by Mark Evans
The church’s communion sword.5
I pulled it from the wall and managed to get it into the path of Benevolent’s down-rushing blade. They collided with a great metallic clang, sparking and scraping.
‘Dammit!’
Not only had he lost his chance to kill me, but he was
destined to lose. For strength had flooded into me like muscly water, strength derived from all the injustices I had suffered, all the losses, all the happiness I had been deprived of and, as I had promised him back in my prison cell, now no force on earth could stop me.
I smashed at him again and again, and he backed away, terror on his face.
‘Go on, Pip!’ shouted Pippa and Mr Parsimonious, encouragingly.
‘What, no one shouting for me?’ whined Mr Benevolent.
‘Go on, Mr Benevolent,’ the vicar said, but received such a look from Pippa and Mr Parsimonious that he instantly changed his mind. ‘Go on and lose, I meant. Hurray for Pip!’
My violent assault had pushed Mr Benevolent into a corner of the church that was piled high with prayer-books, hymnals and Bibles, and there was nowhere left for him to go. I smashed the sword from his hand and slashed onwards, my vengeance nearly at hand. Desperately, he picked up a book and threw it at me, but I easily caught it on the point of my sword, skewering it straight down the middle. He threw more and more, and I merrily stabbed them from the air until there were none left.
‘Aha, you are out of books!’ I said, stepping forward to administer a killing blow . . . but there was no fear on his face, not even resignation. Instead he seemed strangely, smugly certain.
‘And you are out of sword, Pip Bin.’
I looked at the weapon in my hand, and discovered that he was correct in his statement: I had caught so many books on the tip that it was now less sword and more word-kebab – there was absolutely no pointy, cutty, stabby bit left.
‘Oh.’
‘Yes, oh.’ He leaped forward, quicker than a startled cheetah or espresso-addicted rattlesnake, and regained his own sword.
Now it was my turn to retreat, my theological library on a stick being useless for fighting.
‘I shall soon be rid of you, Pip Bin, and then my incredibly complicated plan to destroy your family will have succeeded.’
Slash, slash, he went. Stumble backwards, stumble backwards, I went.
‘I have worked on my plan for so long . . .’
Slash, slash, stumble back, stumble back.
‘Since Aunt Lily?’
More slashing, more reverse stumbling.
‘She was just the start of it. You are the end. And that end is . . . now.’
He abruptly stopped slashing as I took another backwards pace and tripped on an unexpected step, falling helplessly to the floor. Mr Benevolent loomed over me, sword in hand, hate on face, murder in mind.
‘Ha! You have tripped over my special step! Many years ago I funded the building of this church and had that step incorporated for just this eventuality. That is how complicated my plan was.’
Though I was about to die, a part of me had to hand it to him: he had played the long game and had clearly really thought things through.
‘Now die, Pip Bin, die!’
He raised his sword and prepared to plunge it into me. I refused to close my eyes and instead stared hard at my evil ex-guardian, determined to meet death openly, bravely and with a manly handshake.
It turned out I had no need to. For at that moment the church doors swung open and with a cry of ‘Mine!’ Aunt Lily hurled herself into the path of the down-rushing blade, taking its full force into her own body, saving me but seemingly mortally wounding herself.
‘Aunt Lily . . . why did you do that?’
‘I wasn’t going to let that swine kill you, Pip Bin.’
‘But he has now killed you instead.’
‘Yes. Bit of a drawback that. But I’d take a sword for you any day, Pip. That said, if I’d known it would hurt this much, I might not actually have done it. Still, all done now. Ow. Really ow. Earn this, Pip. Make it count.’
Then, with a trickle of blood from her mouth and a brief sigh, she collapsed, and was dead.
And I was angry. Worse than angry. I was livid. Enraged. Furious. Incandescent, apoplectic, fuming, seething and incensed.
In short, I was blinking cross.
I stood, pulled the sword from poor Aunt Lily and ran at Mr Benevolent screaming, ‘Take that, you fiend!’
He looked at me, baffled. ‘Take what?’ Then he glanced down and saw what I had given him. ‘Oh. A sword in the guts. Ruddy heck.’
And with those underwhelming last words of mild sweariness, he slumped to the floor in death.
I had finally triumphed over him, but there was no sense of glory or fulfilment, only a sick, empty relief that left me shaky and weak, for at what cost had victory come?
‘Oh, Pip . . .’ Dear Pippa, now safe from Benevolent’s marital attentions, rushed up and threw her arms around me.
‘Good work, young Pip.’ Mr Parsimonious, that most generous of men, shook me heartily by the hand. ‘You must have my thanks, my well dones and my admiration.’ He looked around for more physical gifts. ‘And these wafers . . . this hymnal . . . and this bottle of communion wine.’
He handed me these things, and I gratefully uncorked the last and took a great swig. ‘Thank you, Mr Parsimonious. After all that I need a drink.’
As I glugged down the welcome wine, I heard the doors slam open and then a familiar voice. ‘It’s all right, I’m here! Nobody move!’
It was Harry! Alive and well.
And stark naked.
‘Sorry about my nudiness, everyone, but I hadn’t got any buttons left and so my clothes all fell off as I ran here.’
‘How did you escape the soldiers, Harry?’
‘Bit of luck, actually. There’s been a colonial rebellion somewhere in Africa, and they all got summoned to go and fight that, leaving me to come here and help.’
‘Thankfully, Harry, there is nothing left for you to do.’ I gestured at Mr Benevolent’s body, and swigged at the bottle of wine again, shaky weakness retreating and a calm satisfaction settling upon me.
‘Oh, but there is one thing I must do.’ Harry turned to Pippa and knelt nakedly before her. ‘Pippa Bin . . .’
‘Yes, Harry Biscuit?’ Her voice quivered with anticipation.
‘Will you marry me?’
‘Oh, Harry, of course I will! Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!’
‘Harrumble! I am to marry Pippa!’ Harry danced ecstatically around the church, knocking things over and creating general joyous havoc.
‘And we may all be happy again,’ I said, joining in with his dance – but that merry dance was interrupted by a weak though still distinctly evil voice.
‘Not if I’ve got anything to do with it . . .’
No! Mr Benevolent yet lived! Pale and blood-stained, he raised himself from the floor, in his hand a small flintlock pistol he had clearly had concealed upon his person.
Then he fired, and it was as if time slowed, dramatically and terribly.
Harry was closest to Mr Benevolent and made a desperate lunge for him as the rest of us dived for cover; but it all seemed too little, too late, as the pistol belched fire and sicked up its deadly load.
Then normal speed resumed, and I could see Mr Benevolent no more, for he was buried beneath the colossal, fleshy mass that was Harry.
‘Is everyone all right? Did he hit anyone?’ I asked, hoping that the answers to my two questions were ‘yes’ and ‘no’ respectively.
Fortunately, those were the answers; it seemed we had escaped, both wound and dead-person free. But then I noticed that Pippa was pointing at my chest with a trembling finger, and I looked down to see a great red stain spreading across my shirt.
‘Oh . . . I am hit.’ Yet I felt no pain. Was this the numbness of approaching death? The others ran to me and opened my jacket. Beneath it, all was blood. There was a strange smell
in my nostrils, potent but calming, what I assumed to be the Heavenly smell of the hereafter. I could feel my vision fading and my strength going, but at least I knew I had defeated Mr Benevolent and saved what parts of my family I could; in the end, it had been worth it. ‘Then I must bid you farewell. At least I shall be with dear Flora soon. Promise me that you will live and love well in my name, dear family. For I love you all more than I can say. Goodbye . . .’
I fell back on to the cold stone floor of the church and closed my eyes, ready to be received into Paradise by the angels of the Lord.
I was dead.
‘Hang on,’ said Harry. ‘That isn’t blood . . . it’s wine.’
What? Not blood? Wine? That would explain the smell in my nostrils, for on reflection it was not Heaven’s scent but that of fermented grapes. When Mr Benevolent fired, I had still been clutching the communion wine Mr Parsimonious had given me, and the bullet must have struck that. It was blood, but only symbolic Jesus blood and not the actual blood that ran in my veins.
My strength came back and my vision returned.
I was not dead!
But I was quite embarrassed.
‘Ha, had you going,’ I bluffed, but I need not have done so for people were simply glad I was alive and I was now surrounded by love and hugs and happiness. ‘Are we quite sure Mr Benevolent is dead this time?’
‘Yes,’ replied Harry.
‘Absolutely certain?’
‘Well, I am sitting on him, and I weigh forty-three stone. And I’m naked, so the embarrassment alone would be enough to kill him.’
It seemed as if my vicious ex-guardian was definitely gone this time; and now evil had departed, we needed joy to take its place.
‘Reverend, I am assuming there is still a wedding that has been paid for?’
‘There is.’
‘Then let us see Harry and Pippa married this day!’
Amid cheers, jolliness and harrumbles, we quickly assembled at the altar and the vicar prepared to maritalize.
‘First, I must once more ask whether any persons here know of any lawful reason why these two should not wed?’
I smiled as I remembered that I had recently waited outside the door until after just this sentence, the better to make my entrance, but surely no one would object this time.
I was wrong.
For someone else had a similar dramatic sense of timing to mine as the doors now opened and a deep voice boomed, ‘I know a reason!’
We turned to see who it was, but this person’s next words revealed all before we saw it with our eyes.
‘For no girl should be wed without her father to give her away!’
It was Papa! Alive! And returned! Pippa and I rushed to him and smothered him with embraces, kisses and other affectionments.
‘Oh, Papa! Where have you been?’
‘It is a long story, and one for another time. Suffice to say, Benevolent faked my death and hid me away, keeping me quiet by making me become addicted to opium.’
‘How terrible!’
‘Oh, I don’t know, the opium was pretty good, actually.’ He caught himself and coughed. ‘Um, I mean, yes, it was awful. Really, really awful. But thankfully your aunt Lily found me and set me free.’
We bowed our heads in memory of that marvellous aunt.
‘We all owe her a great debt.’
‘It was my pleasure . . .’ came a weak voice from where Aunt Lily lay dead, somewhat indicating that perhaps she was not as deceased as we had thought. We rushed to her side – she was still alive! ‘Did no one think to check whether I was actually dead or not?’
‘Sorry . . . sort of slipped our minds,’ I admitted.
‘Doesn’t matter. Help me up, someone. If Pippa and Harry are getting married, that’s a family function I’m happy to be at.’
We helped her up and returned to the altar. On the way, Papa stopped and knelt next to his poor mad wife, my poor mad mother, where she had sat in a pew through all these events, trying to iron herself with a Bible.
‘Agnes, dear Agnes, what has happened to you?’
She looked at him with the glassy eyes of madness, but they quickly cleared as if someone had washed them with the soap of sanity.
‘Oh, hello, Thomas. Not dead after all, then.’
‘No, my love. And you are no longer mad.’
‘Gosh, no. I never was. I was just pretending to be mad as part of a very clever plan to defeat Mr Benevolent.’
‘Really? Are you sure?’ He quite reasonably sounded sceptical at this claim.
‘It worked, didn’t it? Unless that’s not him lying dead over there.’
‘Um, right . . .’ He looked as if he did not know what to say in the face of Mama’s patently ludicrous suggestion, but the exigencies of marital harmony won out over the truth. ‘Yes, well done, dearest. You beat him, all right.’
‘Clever me, eh?’ Mama now turned to Pippa and me. ‘Aren’t you going to give me a hug, children?’
‘Of course, Mama!’
We rushed over and hugged her, and I felt the warmth of a restituted family growing inside me, like an expanding loaf of happy bread. For not only was my family as mended as it could be, it was about to be enlarged by the addition of a new brother-in-law.
Our small group of re-happied people gathered before the vicar and he proceeded to join Pippa and Harry in holy and wholly deserved matrimony.
‘Will you, Harry Chocolate Wafer Biscuit, take this woman to be your wife?’
‘I will.’
‘And will you, Pippa Wheelie Bin, take this man to be your husband?’
‘Oh, I will.’
‘Then I declare you to be husband and wife.’
‘Harrumble!’ we all cried delightedly, and as Harry kissed Pippa, the church erupted in joy.
My father was returned; my mother was re-saned; Pippa and Harry were wed; and Mr Benevolent was at last conquered and dead. True, there would be the bumps and scrapes of any life still ahead of us, and me in particular, for this is my book, by me, about me, and there are more tales to tell, more stories to write.
But for now let us leave my younger self in that church all those years ago, with joy and optimism restored; let us come to a happy end, ignoring the tiny detail that on leaving the church for the weeks of happy celebration that ensued, my younger self noticed that Mr Benevolent’s body was suspiciously absent, strongly hinting at the possibility that he was not dead and might one day be back for vengeance; let us leave the woe and misery behind, the betrayals, back-stabbings and front-punchings; and let us shortly set the book aside, take up a bracing glass of post-reading brandy and toast the fact that, at that point in time, all I could see was a clearer, brighter future stretched out ahead of me, like a glorious carpet of happiness, a future of love, family and friendship, a future of rich experience and high adventure, and, above all, a future in which finally all my expectations were far from bleak.
1 Based on either the long-serving chief executioner of England, ‘Noosey’ Nick Nasty, or the infamous amateur vigilante hangman String-them-up Simon Scaffold, both of whom were apparently lovely men who just happened to enjoy hanging their fellow humans.
2 Do I really need to explain this? Because I don’t want to have to write the word ‘testicles’. Though I just have.
3 In those repressed times when men were forbidden to express emotions verbally, a whole language of nods existed. There were over three hundred different ways to nod at another gentleman, from the simple tip of the head, all the way up to incredibly complex manoeuvres that looked more like cranial ballet, or a serious neurological condition.
4 No Englishman of the time – even an evil one – could have said the French ‘en garde’ without arresting himself for mild treason.
5 Since the sixteenth century all Anglican churches had contained considerable amounts of weaponry to fight off potential Catholic assaults. As well as the communion sword there was usually a christening sabre, an anti-Mass musket and an Easter cann
on.
APPENDIX I
There is no Appendix I.1
1 It was removed from the novel after it suffered a bout of book appendicitis.
APPENDIX II
The full name of Pip’s father’s lawyer – which is reputed to contain the author’s acknowledgements hidden in a supposedly uncrackable code – is as follows:
Mr Wickham Post Forberton Fenugreek Chasby Twistleton Montmorency Aurelius Pargordon Jezthisby Cumquatly Pobbleton Tendling Hampton Barderby Flumsome Incoborant Nonwheely Williams Wibbler Crabton Insecuritant Farneilly O’Reilly Q’Veilly Ooh I Have Just Realized That This Might Be An Ideal Chance To Insert The Acknowledgements For The Book So Let Me Now Do That And Here We Go Because There Are Plenty Of People To Thank Probably Starting With The People Who Made It Happen Such As Jo Cantello For Shoving Me In The Direction Of Mister Ben Mason Gentleman Literary Agent Of The Finest Pedigree Who Said He Would Sell The Book And Only Blinking Well Went And Did Just That Indeed Sold It To James Gurbutt Who Took A Crazily Deadlined Chance So Thank You For That James We Seem To Have Done It In Time And Thanks To Everyone Else At Corsair For Their Mighty Efforts And Pleasant Politeness And All Round Excellence Though They Do Not Actually Dress As Corsairs Which I Think They Ought To Given The Company Name Anyway Those Thanks Would Include Sam Evans Clive Hebard Sarah Castleton And Colette Whitehouse And If I Have Missed Anyone Sorry It Might Be Just Because I Had Not Yet Met You When I Wrote This Bit Anyway Moving Outside The Company Itself I Want To Say Thanks To Angela Martin For Making People Aware Of The Thing And Hazel Orme Who Really Knows Her Commas And Saved Me From Some Egregious Errors Of Style Grammar And Punctuation And Then I Would Like To Say Thanks To Nick Ranceford Hadley At Noel Gay For Graciously Letting The Book Head Elsewhere And Also To Everyone At That Fine Agency For Their Lovely Excellence Over The Years With A Particular Shout Out For Charlie Olins And The Now Departed Claire King And Holly Nicholson And Also To Anyone Else There Who Has Helped And Been Great And Whose Names I Have Almost Criminally Excluded By Mistake Honestly And Not On Purpose I Will Buy Anyone Who Objects To Their Omission A Cake To Say Sorry If They Would Like And Now On To Those People Who Helped The Former Incarnation Of The Material The Original Radio Series Bleak Expectations Because Without Them I Would Be Nothing I Tell You Nothing Just A Miserable Hack With Some Unperformed Drivel On My Laptop Not That There Isn’t A Lot Of That Anyway But Here Goes Firstly Thanks To Paul Schlesinger For Much Support And Fighting On The Show’s Behalf Caroline Raphael At Radio Four For Commissioning It And To Mister Paul Mayhew Archer Guru And Supporter Of The Finest Sort And Of Course The Radio Cast Who Are Uniformly Brilliant Richard Johnson Tom Allen Tony Head Sarah Hadland James Bachman Susie Kane Geoffrey Whitehead Are The Ever Presents And The Often And Sometimes Presents Include Laurence Howarth Perdita Weeks And Of Course The Majestic Brilliance That Is Celia Imrie And The People Up In The Box Of Wizard’s Tricks Like Roger Danes And Jill Abram And In Earlier Series Gary Newman Not That One Another One Plus The Wonderful Ann Osborne And Lyndsay Fenner And Tamara Shilham And Sundry Guest Stars Such As Raquel Cassidy And Jane Asher Who Didn’t Bring One Of Her Excellent Cakes But Was Brilliant And Lovely Anyway And Do Not Think I Have Forgotten The Severally Appearing David Mitchell Who Was Always Excellent As The Reverend Ripely Fecund And That Leads Me To Robert Webb Who Was Jedrington Secret Past In The Sadly Cancelled The Bleak Old Shop Of Stuff And The Rest Of The Cast And Crew Of That Deceased Show Who Were All Great And I Am Sorry I Let Them Down By Writing Something That Not Enough People Watched But Go On Everyone Buy It Online Or On DVD Because I Need The Royalties As I Am Having Some Building Work Done At The Moment Oh Hang On No That Is Not The Point The Point Is The Acknowledgements So Let Me Return To Them With A Familial One Which Is Thanks To The Marvellous John And Hilary For All Round Brilliance And Loveliness And For Helping Look After And Distract The Girls While I Was Under Enormous Deadline Pressure And Thanks To All Those Who Have Read The Book Or Parts Thereof At Different Points And Been Encouraging Such As David Wolstencroft For Example Or Will Maclean Or Professor Yes That’s Professor Simon James Who Really Knows His Dickens Or Tim Kevan Who Will Be Knee Deep In Nappies Soon So Good Luck With Working From Home While That Is Going On And That Might Be It But I Am Pretty Sure I Must Have Sent It To Mister Robert Thorogood At Some Point Though I Might Not Because He Has Been Incredibly Busy In Recent Years Doing The Fabulous Death In Paradise For BBC One And It Gets Over Five Million Viewers Blimey That Is Impressive And Way More Than I Have Ever Got And I Might Have Sent It To Toby Davies As Well But I Forget Because I Am Past Forty And Have Two Small Children So The Memory Is Not What It Was And Then I Must Also Include A Thanks For Some Etiquette Advice To Molly Hawn And Yes For Fans Of The Radio Show She Is The Model For Mrs Hawn Of The Cutlery Collecting Society In Series Four Episode One But She Knows It Is Meant Fondly And That Might Be It For Acknowledgements Actually But I Am Sure I Will Have Missed Someone Out For Example In Case Anyone Is Thinking I Have Excluded Gareth Edwards Esquire Then Look At The Dedication At The Beginning Of The Book Because He Is In That Along With Other Folk Not Mentioned Here Not That This Is The Second Division Of Thanks But You Know Gareth Needed To Be Up Front Because Without Him There Would Be No Bleak Expectations And He Is A Brilliant Brilliant Producer Who Has Made Me A Better Writer And Together With The Cast Has Made The Show Better Than I Could Have Imagined So It Turns Out He Is Mentioned Here After All But Anyway Now It Is Time To Say To Everyone I Have Forgotten To Include On This List I Am Sorry And The Cake Offer From Earlier On Still Stands So If You Think You Should Have Been Acknowledged We Will Put It Through An Arbitration Process And Then If It Turns Out You Should Have Had A Thanks You Can Have A Free Cake And If You Really Really Persuade Me An Erratum Slip In The Book Or Maybe Your Name In The Next Edition If There Is One Because You Never Know Do You This Might Only Sell A Copy Or Two But I Really Hope Not Because That Would Make Me Feel Awkward And A Little Embarrassed So Anyway That’s The Acknowledgements Done And I Have Still Got A Couple Of Thousand Words Of Silly Name To Go To Make It Up To The Full Twenty Minutes So Let Me Get Back To Writing The Names By Writing Wasby Grimbleton Spelunkist Robertsina Taylorizer Burton Bisby Von Rasping Ambrose Wispy Beardiness Oh Good Grief Why Did I Saddle Myself With Such A Long Name I Don’t Quite Know How I Will I Fill The Entire Three Thousand Or So Words Of It But I Will Try I Really Will So Let Me Do A Bit More Now With Names Such As Chibberton Frankton Monty Randall Brearley Hendrick Old Botham Boycott Ooh I Seem To Have Slipped Into A Late Seventies Early Eighties Cricketing Name Riff So I Might As Well List Some Of My Favourite Cricketers Starting With Childhood Hero David Gower Followed By In No Particular Order Certainly Not Batting Order Ha Ha Weak Cricket Joke Anyway Here Come Those Names Marcus Trescothick Phil Edmonds Malcolm Marshall Adam Gilchrist Brian Lara Virender Sehwag Shane Warne Andrew Strauss Because What A Good Captain He Was And I Must Not Forget Jeff Dujon The Cricketer Whose Last Name Is Nearest To A Mustard Obviously Apart From Phil Mustard Of Durham Whose Name Actually Is Mustard And Though He Is Not One Of My Favourite Ever Cricketers I Think The England Selectors Were Very Harsh On Him But Then They Often Have Been With Wicketkeepers Such As Chris Read And Particularly Steven Davies Who I Think Has Been Messed Around Chronically Though Who Am I To Question Andy Flower One Of The Great Keeper Batsmen Himself Sorry I Am Digressing A Bit But Hang On Actually This Cricketer Thing Has Got Me Thinking That Maybe I Could Fill Quite A Lot Of This Interminable Name With Lists Of A Few Of My Favourite Things To Go All Sound Of Music For A Bit Which Is Not An Unusual Thing For Me To Do As You Might Have Noticed If You Have Read The Book So Let Me Continue The Sports Theme By Listing A Few Of My Favourite Rugby Players And Obviously I Have To Start With Jonathan Davies That’s The Dual Code Legend From The Nineteen Eighties Not The Current Welsh Centre Though I Am A Big Fan Of His As Well And I Actually Worked On Jiffy’s Welsh Rugby Chat Show A While Back And He Was Great To Work With Where Was I Oh Yes Favourite Rugby Players Ieuan Evans Because As Well As Excellence He Bore Mor
e Than A Passing Resemblance To Bruce Willis In Die Hard Neil Jenkins Because Of His Golden God Full Back Heroics In South Africa In Nineteen Ninety Seven And Because He Bore With Stoicism The Traditional Criticism Of Welsh Fly Halves Who Are Not Barry John Or Phil Bennett And For A Similar Reason I Love Stephen Jones Though I Do Remember In The Grand Slam Of Two Thousand And Five Against France He Made A Clean Break Of About Fifty Yards Ooh Yards That Dates Me Anyway He Made The Break And Looked Round For Support But There Wasn’t Any Because Everyone Else Was Sort Of Startled By Him Having Done It Not Least I Think Himself And Also Ryan Jones Who In Two Thousand And Five In A Midweek Game After His Late Call Up To The Lions Performed The Most Single Handed Winning Of A Match I Think I Have Ever Seen And He Seems To Be Just An Excellent Player And Person Who Even Has A Footnote In The Book Dedicated To Him And Just To Show It Is Not Just Welsh Players I Shall Now Add Jonny Wilkinson Who Is Exactly My Height A Fact I Know Because I Deliberately Backed Myself Into Him At The National Television Awards One Year To Find Out Jeremy Guscott Was Pretty Good To Watch And I Always Enjoyed Michael Lynagh Who Was A Complete Gent When I Met Him Many Years Ago On A Radio Five Sports Quiz Well That Has Got Through A Few More Words So Perhaps It Is Now Time To Include My Favourite Crossword Clue Which Is This Gegs Nine Four Answer Later Though You Might Already Know It Because It Is A Pretty Famous One Oh Good Grief I Have Still Got Loads To Go Though I Suppose I Could Just Now Cut And Paste What I’ve Already Got And That Would Fill The Word Count But That Would Be Cheating Wouldn’t It So I’m Going To Push On With This Silly Long Name With More Actual Name Style Words In Here Such As Bosworth Sinky Westerton Pommel Nesby Van Dismorterton Buswibbler Tranquist O’Condor Esserty Normanside Pushpuller Cooky Biswas Nowparry Colander Basket Sumsplinky Incidentally I Discovered While Working On This Book That I Enjoy Writing In A Hat Not A Special Hat Just A Baseball Cap I Bought On Holiday But One Day When I Was Struggling To Concentrate I Thought If I Put The Hat On It Will Help And It Did Because All Of Us Need A Touch Of Strange Ritual In Our Lives I Think And Sometimes My Writing Ritual Included Starting The Day With A Bit Of Inspirational Music Such As Ron Goodwin’s Main Theme To Where Eagles Dare Or Bruce Springsteen’s Born To Run A Track I Used Many Years Ago As My Start Writing Music When I Did An Unusual Ghost Writing Job Under Great Time Pressure Actually Music While Working Is An Interesting Topic Because Sometimes I Find I Just Can Not Listen To Anything And At Other Times It Is Vital For Example On This Book I Listened To Bach’s Cello Suites A Lot And Quite Often Some Beethoven Symphonies And Also A Lot Of Film Soundtracks Such As Crimson Tide And Jurassic Park And Also The Batman Films By Which I Mean The Recent Hans Zimmer And James Newton Howard Batman Begins And Dark Knight Scores And Not The Still Excellent Danny Elfman Batman Score From Nineteen Eighty Nine Which I Now Realize I Need To Buy Because It Seems To Have Disappeared From My Collection And As We Are In The Area Of Film Perhaps I Should Slip In A List Of Some Of My Favourite Films That Should Fill Some Space So Here We Go With In No Particular Order Back To The Future Raiders Of The Lost Ark The Life And Death Of Colonel Blimp The Shining The Godfather Apocalypse Now Die Hard Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back Where Eagles Dare The Ipcress File Robocop All The Toy Story Films Brazil Airplane Dirty Harry Fight Club Aliens Terminator Two Anchorman Dodgeball The Jerk All The Monty Python Films Casablanca Out Of Sight The Long Kiss Goodnight Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Saving Private Ryan Almost Famous Annie Hall Some Like It Hot It’s A Wonderful Life When Harry Met Sally Jurassic Park Full Metal Jacket Sense And Sensibility Silence Of The Lambs The Good The Bad And The Ugly The Elephant Man Because Of Anthony Hopkins’s Amazing Performance As Dr Frederick Treves In Fact I Have To Say Hopkins Is One Of My Favourite All Time Actors For All Sorts Of Things But As A Standout The Moment In The Remains Of The Day When Emma Thompson Catches Him Reading A Romance Novel And The Look On His Face Breaks Your Heart And Also All The Seventies Films He Did Where He Was Still A Bit Of A Drinker And You Can Play The Is He Pissed In This Scene Game I’m Thinking Specifically Of The Film Of All Creatures Great And Small In Which He Plays Siegfried Farnon To John Alderton’s James Herriot And There’s A Scene Where Alderton Is Getting Something From The Dispensary Probably Something For Tricky Woo If You Get The Reference And Anyway Sir Anthony Leans In To Tell Him Something And Has A Close Up And You Think My Goodness Those Are Drunk Person’s Eyes Though He Is Still Excellent Right Back To Some More Name Style Names Like Huggins Jaffraptor Yellbibby Tamsk Norbington Thompson Frisbeenudge Goshawk Falcon Chaffinch Sparrow Swan Oh I Seem To Have Started Doing Types Of Bird Well Why Not Thrush Bluetit Swallow Swift Marlin Hang On That’s Not A Bird That’s A Fish But I Could Do Some Fish As Well Especially Fish Like Pollock Which Is Both A Fish And Also A Surname As Is Salmon And Of Course John Dory Is A Whole Name In Itself But Back To Other Names Like Retwisty Pease-Watkin Bamfield Baker Barker Cleaver Gallimore Roe Just A Few Teacher Names There For Anyone Who Went To My School Perhaps A Pleasant Reminder Or Perhaps Not Because You Know It Was School Wasn’t It And Some People Don’t Have Fond Memories Hazelhurst Bontempi Squatly Diddlecombe Masterton By The Way The Answer To The Crossword Clue A While Ago Which Was Gegs Is Scrambled Eggs And Blimey I Am Well Over Half Way Now And I Am A Little Tempted To Cheat By Saying That The Lawyer Spoke His Name Very Slowly Making It Much Shorter In Terms Of Words But No I Am Going To Plough On And Do A Full Four Thousand Plus Words Which I Am Taking As The Correct Length For A Name That Would Take Twenty Minutes To Say I Suppose I Could Go Back Into The Text And Edit It So That The Name Only Took Fifteen Or Even Ten Minutes To Say But It Was Always Twenty Minutes In The Radio Version Which Makes It Sort Of Canonical Plus There Is The Fact That Twenty Just Seems The Correct Funny Number For Some Reason Even Though It Is Not A Prime Number And Worse Is An Even Number Because As Everyone Knows In Most Circumstances The Prime Number Is Funniest And Odd Is Always Funnier Than Even For Example Seventeen Is A Funny Number But Eight Is Not Although Now I Write It Down The Blunt Directness Of Eight Is Somehow Amusing So Maybe My Rules Of Comedy Numbers Are All Wrong Oh Well Let Me Think Of What Else I Can Put In Here Maybe Some Namey Name Type Names Like Waspington Splincoln Stopnastington Oh I Know This Is A Book So I Should Maybe Put Some Of My Favourite Books In So I Shall Start By Saying That For A Very Long Time My Favourite Book Of All Was The World According To Garp But I Reread It A Few Years Ago And Discovered It Was A Book Of My Younger Days That While Still Admirable And Excellent I Do Not Quite Love As Much Now Meaning That My Favourite Book As An Adult Is Probably Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy A Book I Think I Have Read Five Times In Eight Years Other Favourite Books Include The Great Gatsby Why Evolution Is True By Jerry Coyne A Slimmer More Elegant Book Than Mr Dawkins’s Equivalent Works Red Storm Rising Day Of The Triffids Great Expectations Adventures In The Screen Trade The Stand And The Quincunx Which I Suppose In A Tiny Way This Book Is A Very Silly Less Clever And Complex Version Of Incidentally For Those Who Are Interested I Didn’t Read English At University As You Might Imagine But Actually Read Classics It’s Just There’s No Real Market For Books In Ancient Greek Or Latin These Days Not That I Could Have Written One Because My Prose Composition Was At Best Decent Just Ask Any Of My Poor Long Suffering Teachers Over The Years To Whom I Would Now Like To Apologize For My Slackness In Their Classes Teachers Such As The Late Great Mr Buckney Mr MacLennan Mr King Mr Barlow Mr Siviter And Later On Dr Patterson Dr Hardie And Dr Sedley Ah That Worked As Some Actual Names Within This Long Name So In An Attempt To Get Even More Names In Let Me Ask If You Have Ever Done That Thing Where You Have To Say Which People From History You Would Most Like To Be Which Is A Longer Term More Personal Version Of The Fantasy Dinner Party Guest Game Well Anyway I Would Most Like To Have Lived The Lives Of The Duke Of Wellington Winston Churchill And Even Though He Is Not Historical Michael Palin Who Is One Of My Comic And All Round Heroes And Possibly I Might Add WG Grace To That List Just Because He Seems To Have Led A Pretty Bonkers Life Full Of Lots And Lots Of Cricket And Ooh I Love Cricket And Do Not Get To Play Anywhere Near As Much As
I Would Like To Any More But You Know It Is A Time Consuming Game And I Have A Young Family To Think Of But I Do Miss It And Will Play Again At Some Point And Try And Get That Elusive Century That I Have Never Made As My Highest Score Remains Ninety Two A Score I Have Actually Got Three Times Would You Believe One Of Them Not Out For Oswestry Under Thirteens Back In The Early Eighties But The Other Two I Was Dismissed At That Score As I Refused To Compromise My Attacking Approach As I Neared The Century Or More Likely Had Simply Lost Count Of How Many Runs I Had Got I Have Also Scored Eighty Six Twice In My Batting Life The First Time Going From Forty Six To Eighty Six In Ten Balls Including Being Out That Was A Good Day And Even Though It Was Nearly Twenty Years Ago I Can Still Remember The Six I Hit Over Long On Off A Relatively Fast Bowler As For Bowling Figures My Personal Best Is Eight For Thirty Four But My Favourite Bowling Figures Were When I Played For My School Under Elevens And My Analysis Read Eighteen Overs Sixteen Maidens Six Wickets For Two Runs Need I Say The Opposition Were Both Bad And Timid Left Arm Spin In Case You Were Wondering And I Also Bat Left Handed So It Is No Wonder My Cricketing Heroes Feature Several Left Handed Batsmen Okay That Has Been A Long Digression So Back To Some Names Such As Jartwell Discusmus Ruction Tarpaulin Lozenge Platyhelminth Warp Oh Dear Now I’m Just Listing Words I Think Sound Nice Like Mattress Concomitant And Splosh Which The Spellchecker Doesn’t Think Is A Real Word Even Though It Is And Here’s A Thought Back In The Nineteenth Century When This Was Supposedly Written Do You Think They Also Had Spellcheckers Who Were People Who Watched You Write Things Down And Then Leaped In With A Red Pen To Underline Anything You Got Wrong Actually I Might Use That In The Fifth Radio Series Which I Was Writing In Parallel With This Book Gosh I Am Getting Along With It And Really Crunching Through This Insanely Long Name Though I Realize Now As I Write Towards My Final Deadline That I Really Should Have Just Done It In Small Bits As I Went Along Rather Than Remembering At The Last Minute That I’d Put In A Footnote Saying The Full Name Can Be Found In Appendix Two And Then Humming And Hawing Thinking I Could Just Ask The Publishers To Take That Footnote Out But Then Deciding That No It Had To Be Done Because I Think It’s A Joke That At Least Shows Commitment And Then Trying To Write It All In One Go Anyway Nearly At The End Of This Ludicrously Long Name Which Isn’t Really A Name At All Now Is It Instead Having Become A Strange Discursive Ramble Through My Subconscious All For The Sake Of A Stupid Joke But Then Sometimes You Just Have To Commit To The Joke And Really See It Through Don’t You And I Jolly Well Am Going To Do That With This Just Keep Typing Until I Get There And Actually Looking At The Word Count I Have Very Nearly Done It So Here Goes Into The Last Few Words Nigelton Crumbarton Mintybitson Spilling Wangerator Tubripley Gonwester Highty Jinstamatic Nurker Habiston Beastworthy Fennelham Jones.
