by Shey Stahl
There’s a girl I used to know
Under the stars I gave her light
We sparked a fire in the night
When I heard his voice, I was reminded of what we were.
We were two hearts.
Two souls.
Devastated by the same loss.
My heart ached when I saw him on that stage, in front of thousands. I didn’t want his voice to be one I used to know.
I wanted it to be everlasting, like our love.
The tears I’d been so desperately holding onto broke free.
She took my breath with that kiss, gave me her heart
Maybe I’m to blame
His face was pure agony belting out the lyrics with force, as if when this song was written, he was ready to give up.
Because, honey, somehow that smile’s
One I used to know, one I’ll never let go
Hearing him sing with such raw emotion that he couldn’t keep his voice from shaking, made me understand that he, too, had gone through the same pain. There was beauty in his imperfections, displayed only in these lyrics. He’d captured everything we were.
A fire burns all around us
Headlights dancing in the dust
We’re whiskey-lit and holdin’ on
I turn to you and whisper, don’t be afraid
Baby, look up and get lost, take in the night
Make a wish on everlasting light
His brow scrunched, his eyes glossy as he sucked in a breath and belted out the bridge. I felt the air sucked from my lungs right then as a strangled cry fell from my lips, my hand over my mouth.
Baby, I wonder if you think of me now
Tell me, can you hear these words
They own my soul
I can’t let go, I want you so bad
When he looked down, it was as if at any moment his knees would give out and he’d fall to the ground and beg me to never leave.
Maybe we were blind
I know our love was one of a kind
Trust me this one last time
Open your eyes
Give me a chance to right the lies
A fire burns all around us
Headlights dancing in the dust
Whiskey-lit and holdin’ on
I turn to you and whisper, don’t be afraid
Baby, look up and get lost, take in the night
Make a wish on everlasting light
Beau’s eyes found mine again, but now, here right now, they told a different story from the one I knew when he left. It was a story that split my chest and bared my own soul for him to see the hope, adoration, happiness, trust, belonging, softness, love, and forgiveness.
Sometimes, I felt like we were pulling a rope, but neither one of us was pulling the rope at the same time. Now we were both fighting for what we wanted, at the same time.
I thought loving someone was doing what was right, but also doing everything wrong. For a long time, I struggled with how to do that, because before Beau, I had never loved anyone like that.
Looking at Beau now, it was all there.
It was in every word being spoken.
It was the guilt behind his eyes and the purple below them.
It explained the way he wouldn’t give up on me and the way he wasn’t running from anything.
It was in the way he held his smile at bay when he was teasing.
It was in how he always knew what to say to me, even when he didn’t say anything.
It was in the way he kissed me the night we met.
It was in the life he would have thrown away for me.
And it was in the way his heart was beating for me.
Beau’s voice broke, and I knew there were tears he wouldn’t let go of, holding them back.
His head hung as he sang the next verse.
Baby, please, just look up, make a wish
Give me something
Hide the sun
I’ll take the rain
Give me your pain
I’ll do anything, just let me explain
Don’t be afraid, look up, take in the night
Make a wish on everlasting light
Baby, please, just look up
I was looking up, at him, at our lives, at Dixie, all of it for the first time.
When the song was over, Beau gave me one last look and turned, walking off stage.
I wanted to go back to the moment he first noticed me, that first wink.
I wanted to go back to him scooting me closer and begging for a kiss under silver-sequin stars.
I wanted to go back to that night just for a split second.
And that song did it for me. Hearing his words, I was trapped like fireflies in a jar, reliving every beautiful moment I had with him, surrounded by his broken raspy voice.
I wasn’t sure what tomorrow would bring, or even later tonight, but I knew one thing. I wouldn’t push Beau away. I never would again.
His manager, David, approached me during the intermission. “He’s backstage. Would you like to see him?”
I nodded, eagerly, though I wasn’t sure.
With David’s help, I was able to get backstage to see him face to face. I never thought I would be next to him like this. I assumed I didn’t deserve to. Especially after letting him walk away, again, at Blaine’s wedding.
When I made my way backstage, I was met with the man who held my beating heart in the palm of his hands. It was everything I could do right then not to cover my mouth with my hand, admiring the way he looked, up close, as he leaned into the wall twenty feet from me, a slow smirk tugging at his beautiful lips, holding a Grammy.
We looked at each other as he ran his hands through his hair and tugged at his tie.
The moment between us, the stillness, the bloodshot eyes and the bleary stare hurt so badly.
He glanced at me, and my heart soared. I knew then, for sure, I would only ever love Beau Ryland.
Walking to me now, a slow stride I remembered. He was nervous, I knew that much. I could hear my heart in my ears when he approached me.
He was eyeing me and the nervousness ran up my spine wildly causing me to shiver, maybe in anticipation of being this close to him.
And I itched. Fucking itched to no end just like seeing him at the wedding. Maybe from the dress, or maybe, my nerves again.
“Hi,” he whispered, waiting for my reaction. My stare was drawn to his, framed by thick dark lashes as he spoke.
I sighed, my palms sweating, my armpits feeling itchy, waiting, wondering what I should say to him after all this time. “That song was…just amazing, and I can’t believe I didn’t listen to it sooner. I’m so sorry…” brushing my hands over my cheeks, I knew my make-up was smeared. “And I can’t stop crying, or sweating.” I fanned myself, feeling the heat rising. “And this dress is way too tight. I can’t breathe.”
Stop talking!
I could barely contain my crying when Beau gave an emotional chuckle, pulling me into his arms. “You’re still my same girl.” He smiled, his own eyes teary as his chin quivered. Nodding, he tried to compose himself. “And you came. That’s all that matters right now. On the biggest night of my life, you came for me.”
He said the words as if he didn’t believe them, as though he was stunned, but appreciated that I made the effort, finally.
“Is it too late? Am I too late?” My voice was exactly how I felt, awkward, timid, and wavering as I cried into his chest.
Beau exhaled loudly, drawing back, forcing a smile. “I wanted to let you go. I told myself that a lot and even tried to a few times. But there was always something that kept me hanging on.” His eyes lifted to mine, watching my reaction to his words. “I believe it was Dixie, and then Blaine who gave me those letters and I saw you were still holding on.”
Blaine what?
My brain scrambled back to my conversation with her in the car. “Don’t be mad at me after you talk to him.”
So that’s what she was hiding.
I panicked, my heart in my throat, palms sweating all over again as I recalled what I wrote in there, all the detailed feelings surrounding Beau and my love for him.
How could she do that? She knew I thought they were going to Dixie and she let me believe it?
“Don’t be mad at her,” Beau mumbled, staring at his feet as he buried his hands in his pockets. “She was only trying to help us.”
“That jerk.” My eyes fell to the floor.
I should have been mad at her for it, but then again, Blaine was trying to help me. And she knew exactly how to. She let me believe those letters were going to Heaven and it helped me. If it hadn’t been for writing to her, and believing with all my heart she had those letters, I would have stayed in bed longer, smiled less, and never laughed again.
She gave them to Beau, and in turn, it gave him hope I was still holding on to him.
“I thought you were fine. You had moved on and was on the road. I really did feel all alone, like I shouldn’t have been so sad. And then I overheard Payton talking, and she questioned how I could be so upset over losing Dixie when we barely even had a chance to see her.”
When I didn’t say anything else, Beau moved closer, sadness rolling down his cheeks, his jaw clenching in what could have been anger. “I was never fine.” Our eyes met and I was shocked at what I saw. He was, one, crying, and, two, angry. Probably because I never considered how he felt until now. “I wasn’t fine. I didn’t think I could make you happy if you were incapable of being happy.”
He was absolutely right. He couldn’t make me happy when I wasn’t ready to be.
“I’m sorry I never considered how you felt, and that you were struggling too. All I focused on was my pain, and it was selfish of me.”
When I looked at Beau now, in this light, I didn’t see the boy who winked at me and I fell hopelessly for someone I didn’t know. I didn’t see the man I met later and tripped into.
I saw the man who struggled to tell the truth in his lyrics and accept his father would never approve of his career choice.
I saw the man who loved a woman so deeply he never gave up on her, even when she gave up on herself.
I saw the man who opened up to me in a song for the world to hear, and fought to get me back. There was something about his determination to be more that made him who he was.
His hand raised, the backs of his fingers brushing against my tear-soaked cheek. “It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to the song sooner,” I said feeling like it needed to be said.
“I’m kinda glad you didn’t. I like that you heard it the way you did.”
He was right. Somehow, hearing it this way, in person when his eyes never left mine had a far greater meaning than it would have had I heard it on the radio.
“Beau?”
A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Yeah?”
“I love you.”
Beau heaved in a heavy breath and then crushed me to his chest, holding on so tight I could barely breathe. “I love you too…God, so fucking much.”
“YOU WANT to come back to my hotel room with me?”
“I just want to be alone with you,” I breathed, feeling like no amount of time with him would ever be enough. I wanted to be alone with him more than anything right then.
Beau made the faintest groan when I pressed my body into his side as we walked, leaning in to kiss the hollow spot just below my ear. “Me too.”
He couldn’t leave just yet, but after interviews and photographs, which he made me take with him, we were finally alone.
He smiled, again, his hands in his pockets as we walked to the limo. “Bentley?”
My heart beat faster, so fast I had to draw in a deep breath. “Yeah?”
His smile grew wider, into the one I missed, the one that made my heart beat in my ears when he spoke like this. “That song was pretty charming, wasn’t it?”
I rolled my eyes, trying to play hard to get, even just for a second. “Maybe.”
He raised an eyebrow, running his hand down his jaw. “Maybe, she says.”
I remember thinking at one time, when I was at my lowest, that Beau would have moved on.
Sometimes I wondered why he hadn’t. Why did he wait for me for so long when I couldn’t give him anything in return?
And sometimes, I was thankful he did hold on, because I was here now, with him because of it.
City lights brightened the car, my heart thudding in my chest as we reached the hotel, the moon lighting up my eyes. The limo pulled up to the hotel, near the entrance where the driver opened my door and reached for my hand.
Outside the limo, Beau stared at my hand now in his. Bringing it to his mouth, giving me the lightest kiss.
I couldn’t process all of this, the feeling settling in my bones that I had him, here, now. I might have only had the smallest slivers of time with him and I was going to enjoy it.
If losing Dixie taught me anything, it was that nothing in life was guaranteed and if you had the chance to say something, you should say it, be it, and believe in it.
Once inside the room, Beau whirled me to face him before I had a chance to set down my purse. His rock-hard body pressed to mine, his hands running up the length of my torso and to my neck where he angled it, and then kissed me. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t wait any longer to kiss you.”
I said nothing audible, lust and emotion I’d kept buried for so long overwhelmed me and I wasn’t sure how to process it.
Beau sighed against my lips, shaking his head slowly. His breath against my skin felt scorching, yet the feeling was so familiar. “You want me to tell you a secret?”
I nodded, I wanted his secrets and I wanted anything he’d give me.
His face buried in my neck as he gave me another kiss and then drew back. “You’ve healed me.”
Bentley’s hands rose to my face as I crawled up her body, pressing my weight into her. The touch sent a jolt straight to my groin, my need stirring immediately. I think she knew by the soft groan that fell from my lips as they parted over hers where my mind was heading.
My hands were trembling, nervous she would either push me away or tell me to stop. She could at any moment and I would stop for her. The way I explored her body was evident of our time apart.
“I can’t believe how amazing you sounded tonight.”
I wanted to cry, overcome with such emotion that she heard my heartache for the first time. I didn’t know how to respond.
When I read those letters from her to Dixie, she talked about me like I was a man who changed her life, but left her when she needed me the most.
How could I have ever…well, left her like that? I know she told me to leave, but I did. I could have stayed and worked harder, made her see I wanted to be there.
I didn’t.
“It was all for you, baby.” I kissed her temple, my lips lingering, afraid to pull away from her. Touching her skin now stirred thoughts inside of me I desperately tried to ignore. Surely she noticed the reaction I was having to her being this close. “I love you.”
Nothing physical, Beau. Don’t push your luck.
“I thought you moved on,” she whispered, her eyes on me when I laid next to her, her smile laced with sadness I finally understood as she threaded our hands together.
How could she have ever thought I moved on?
The answer was simple. I never told her and she never listened to the song.
Reaching across my body, I touched my palm to her warm cheek. “Now you know, my heart was breaking along with yours.”
I watched her face contort with the emotions overwhelming her, eyes closing. Feelings and memories rushed to the surface. Her skin, her smile, her scent overwhelmed me. With sadness falling from the corners of midnight stars, she admitted, “I never stopped loving you, Beau.”
You will never have to doubt my love.
I wanted to hold her and promise I would never let anything happen to her, but I knew I couldn’t. A pr
omise was nothing.
I knew I was going to take my time with her, become reacquainted slowly. Maybe we wouldn’t necessarily make love, but she was going to understand my love for her tonight. A love that soothed the rough edges of this broken life and the ache inside of us. Or maybe she didn’t want anything sexual, and I would be okay with that too.
It’s been nearly ten months. You’re not okay with it.
But I would be, for her.
The last thing I wanted to do was to expect anything would happen tonight outside of talking, despite the kissing on the way to the hotel room.
I hadn’t been with anyone since Bentley, and to say I was ready for it to go beyond talking was an understatement.
My lips lowered to hers. She didn’t move or try to stop me, so I pressed them to hers once, and then pulled away. Her eyes were tired and I realized she had to have been exhausted, only she wasn’t pushing me away.
I never wanted this to end.
“You can sleep.”
“Beau?”
“Yeah?” I hummed against lips I couldn’t pry myself from.
“I was kinda hoping for more.”
“Really? I didn’t want to push it, but I’m all for more.” She nodded and I rolled the two of us, pressing my weight into her. That was all the encouragement I needed. Believe me when I say I didn’t need much encouragement any more. “Thank God,” I mumbled, deepening the kiss.
Legs spread, bodies tangled, our clothes were carelessly discarded. My soul and my heart were laid bare for her.
My hands grasped, needed, moved, tugged, and gave way. It took me a while to get the condom on, and then I was fumbling, like some kind of kid and not a man.
“Beau?”
“Yeah?”
“That’s, uh, the wrong um…you…that’s the wrong hole.” She giggled, her body shaking against mine as she tried to help me out.
Laughing, I moved, positioning myself. “Sorry, it’s been so long I must’ve forgot.”
My body screamed in approval. Entering her, I knew then I was still the only one. Something told me. Her movements, her gasps, her eagerness told me it’d been just as long. Reeling at the thought, my hips moved on their own, pounding into her.
