Strolling on towards the main shopping arcade, Kitty had to admit, “It wouldn’t surprise me either. That fella of hers is bad news…always was.” Even with Mildred around, and Jack forever standing at her shoulder, there were times when Kitty felt so alone it was like a physical pain in her heart.
“I wouldn’t have minded if Georgie didn’t want to come to the party, but I wish she’d replied to my letter. I worry when I don’t hear from her.” She couldn’t help feeling her friend was in some kind of trouble. Until she knew for certain, she wouldn’t be able to rest.
“You’re surely not thinking of going all the way to Liverpool after her?”
“If I have to. But I’ll write again and give her a chance to answer before I make my mind up.” The last letter she’d had from Georgie was too bright, too cheerful, and too full of nothing that mattered.
“It’s funny she never mentioned why she and Mac moved from Weymouth.”
“I thought you and Jack had plans for next weekend?”
“Jack had plans,” Kitty corrected. “He wants me to spend a weekend in London with him, go to a show, see the sights, that kind of thing. A ‘birthday treat’, he says.”
“Very nice too.”
“I haven’t agreed yet.”
Slowing her steps, Mildred linked her arm through Kitty’s.
“You’ve been on edge this last week,” she remarked softly. “Is it because of Jack? Is he bullying you again?”
She sighed.
“I don’t know why you don’t just say yes and put the poor bugger out of his misery.”
“He doesn’t give me time to think, that’s why. Everywhere I turn he’s there. He’s keeping to his promise not to ask me to marry him, but he might as well ask, because it’s in his eyes every time he looks at me.” She gave a little laugh.
“I’m beginning to think he wants to drive me crazy, or wear me out so I won’t have the strength to argue when he carries me down the aisle.”
“Oh? So you’re expecting him to carry you down the aisle?” Mildred could hardly hide her relief.
Sensing anxiety in her aunt’s comment, Kitty answered, “There you go again, trying to marry me off. Jack’s got you on his side, has he?”
Mildred realised her mistake.
“Sorry.” Squeezing Kitty’s arm by way of apology, she admitted, “I shouldn’t poke my nose in.”
“No, you shouldn’t,” Kitty gently chided.
“I’ve got enough problems at the minute without you trying to organise my life as well. I need you on my side, not on Jack’s.” Reaching into her coat pocket, she took out the shopping list and quickly ran her eyes down it.
“We need another four bottles of plonk, some nibbles, and at least two packets of paper napkins.” Pointing to Woolworth’s, she suggested, “We can get the napkins there.”
“And the nibbles from Marks and Spencers,” Mildred declared, turning right towards the stores.
“As for the plonk, we’ll have to shop around. Oh, and we mustn’t forget the cake. I want to have a look at it before they deliver.”
As they rushed round the shops, buying this and that and spending more than they had planned. Kitty was glad the talk of Jack and marriage had been put on hold. She knew it would raise its ugly head again. But for now at least, she was safe. A little voice in the back of her mind kept saying, “Harry’s out of your reach now. He’s got a wife, so why shouldn’t you marry Jack? Be safe, be mollycoddled. Make him happy at least, because there’s no use dreaming any more.”
It was a funny thing though. Dreams have a life of then-own, and when you have cherished them for as long as Kitty had, they will not die easily.
It was almost midday when the two of them ran from a sudden downpour, into the nearest cafe. Two milky coffees and a cheese sandwich,” Kitty told the woman behind the counter; a busy homely body, with sharp blue eyes and spectacles perched on the end of her little nose.
“Is that a cheese sandwich for one or a cheese sandwich for two?” she asked with a grin.
Turning to Mildred who was arranging their many shopping bags on the floor beside the table, Kitty asked, “Are you sure you want nothing to eat?”
Mildred nodded. Taking off her coat, she gently shook the rain from it, then sat down, more than once glancing at her watch, fidgeting and nervous, as though she might be late for an appointment.
Bringing the tray, Kitty set the drinks and plate on to the table before sliding the tray into the slot beneath.
“Is there something we’ve forgotten?” she asked, her brows knitted in a frown as she took off her own coat and almost fell into her seat.
“I saw you looking at your watch just now. You seemed anxious, as though you were in a hurry to get away.” Mildred had been like that a lot lately. Sometimes in the evening she would pace the floor, like a wild cat in a cage waiting to get out.
Taking a grateful sip of her coffee, Mildred waited a moment before revealing in a soft, almost childish voice, “Well…there is something I’d quite like to do before I go back to the house. You don’t have to come with me though. I’ll be fine.” A rising blush suffused her face.
“You don’t mind do you, Kitty?” Knowing what she planned to do made it difficult for her to look her niece in the eye.
Kitty was puzzled.
“Of course I don’t mind,” she said with an encouraging smile.
“Go ahead and do what you’ve got to do. Anyway, there’s more than enough to keep me busy until you get home.”
“That’s just it. I don’t want you getting everything ready on your own. It doesn’t seem right.”
Kitty sighed impatiently.
“Whose party is it anyway? Look, you’ve done more than your fair share already, and besides it’ll do me good to get stuck in.” She giggled.
“It might even take my mind off Jack and his puppy-dog eyes.”
“You’re sure?” Mildred was still anxious.
“I won’t be gone long, I promise.”
“You be gone as long as you want.” There were times when Kitty felt like the adult and Mildred acted like an eighteen year old.
“Honestly! Anyone would think you have to answer to me for your every move.”
They finished and went their separate ways.
“Tell them to be careful with the cake,” Mildred pleaded before she rushed off.
“Tell them it’s to go on the dresser. It’ll be safer there until we arrange the buffet table.”
“Stop worrying, I’ll see to it,” Kitty promised. A twinkle came into her eyes as she ordered with a smile, “You’d best get going. After all, you don’t want to keep him waiting.”
An expression of horror crossed Mildred’s face, then guilt, then a quizzical look and a smile that said, “You don’t know. You can’t know.” Then she was gone, leaving Kitty with handfuls of shopping bags and an intriguing little mystery.
“What if you have got a fellow?” she muttered as she made her way home.
“Good luck to you, that’s what I say. You don’t need to concern yourself about what I think. After all, what does it matter?”
But it did matter. Before the night was over, Kitty would discover how Mildred’s plans were about to alter all their lives.
Emptying the bags on to the kitchen table, Kitty left them where they fell.
“Tea first,” she sighed.
“A minute to get my breath, then we’ll see.” She took off her wet things, went upstairs and rubbed her damp hair with a towel before combing it; she rinsed her face, took off her stockings, put on her flat ties and returned downstairs to the kitchen.
Here she made herself a mug of tea and took it into the lounge where she sat with her feet up for a while.
“That’s wonderful!” she sighed.
Kicking off her shoes, she wriggled her toes. It had been a hectic shopping spree. It was good to be home, in front of a cheery fire.
Leaning back in her chair, she relaxed, enjoying the quiet moment o
f her own company.
“Oh, Jack! Jack! Why can’t you take no for an answer?” she sighed.
“It’s not that I don’t like you, because I do. But if you keep on following me round like a lovesick calf, you’ll only force me to look elsewhere for a job.” She had to laugh though, and did. “And sex!” she muttered.
“You can’t separate one from the other.”
Taking another sip of her tea, she let her thoughts raise everything that had happened in her life. It wasn’t often she allowed that to happen. These days she had learned to shut her memories out. It was less painful that way. Today, however, she had a feeling that things were about to come to a head. There were things going on that she couldn’t quite fathom. Irritating, disturbing things, little things that played on her mind and frayed her nerves:
Mildred and her little secret; Georgie moving from Weymouth to Liverpool, saying less than nothing in the one or two letters from there, and then not answering Kitty’s letters at all.
The feeling of unease was so strong that she was forced to get up from the chair and walk about the room, cup in hand, head down, a sensation in her heart as if a lump of lead had just been planted there.
Her sense of peace dissipated, she put her cup on the mantelpiece and, leaning forward on her hands, she stared into the burning coals. The heat from the fire warmed her face, making her sleepy. She hadn’t slept last night, nor the night before. She hadn’t slept in many a long night. She wondered if she would ever have a good night’s sleep again. She doubted it.
“Damn you, Harry!” she exclaimed.
Throwing herself into the chair, she groaned.
“NO! It’s not your fault. It’s mine! My fault! My decision! My loss!” Closing her eyes, she leaned back in the chair. For what seemed an age she sat there, filled with regrets, angry, empty inside, desperately trying to shut out the teeming images. It was an impossible task. The images were flesh and blood, living and breathing, making her want to laugh, making her want to cry; images of herself and Harry as they were…as they could have been.
The tears rose. She choked them back. So many times she had stifled them, hardened herself against them, but the regrets never really went away.
“You fool, Kitty! YOU BLOODY FOOL!” She took a deep, deep breath, calming herself, loving him so much she could hardly breathe.
“Oh, Harry…” Her voice rose and fell in a whisper, like a long drawn-out sigh that lifted her heart before dashing it again. Opening her eyes, she leaned forward in the chair, her brown eyes dull with pain, her head drooped as though she carried a great crippling weight on her shoulders.
Getting up, she paced the floor once more. After a while she went into the hallway and looked out of the window, watching for Mildred, mesmerised by the new fall of rain. It came down in sheets, silvery dark against a bleak grim sky. Small swirling puddles settled on the path, black and threatening, swilling over the edges on to the lawn, turning green to brown.
Restless, she walked to the other side of the hallway to where Mildred’s small crucifix hung. She spoke to the figure imprisoned there, “If You know everything,” she whispered, “You must know how unhappy I really am.” Fear rippled through her. She had to gather every ounce of her courage to admit her love for Harry.
“If You know what I think, and what I feel…You must know how sorry I am that I sent him away. I can never love anyone but him. You know that too.” She hadn’t realised that when she’d sent Harry away, but she realised it now. And it was a heavy burden to bear all alone.
Strangely she had derived a deal of comfort out of her little conversation with the Lord.
“Jack would think I was mad,” she smiled.
But she didn’t care. Jack could think what he liked.
“Soon, Harry will be standing here in this house, in this room!” The knowledge was thrilling, yet daunting.
“How should I greet them, Harry and his wife?” She didn’t want him to see she still cared for him. She wouldn’t embarrass him like that, or herself. No doubt he had forgotten all those wonderful moments they’d had as children moments she still cherished and would cherish forever.
“Be happy for him,” she told herself.
“Don’t let them see you’re bothered. Make Harry and his wife welcome. Show them how good a host you are.” Of course! Smile and be damned, isn’t that what they said? It was the only way.
Suddenly she was stronger, more at ease with herself, confident to the point of arrogance.
“Hurry up, Mildred,” she cried, staring out of the window again.
“We’ve a lot to do before the guests arrive.”
And that was how she would treat Harry and his wife. As guests, just like the others.
“When he smiles at you, smile back. Congratulate him on getting married. Make friends with the lucky young woman. It’s your eighteenth birthday, Kitty Marsh, you should be making merry.”
Spinning round, she fell into the chair with such force that she sent her skirt up above her head.
“Laugh as though you hadn’t a care in the world,” she told herself.
She laughed now, but it was a hollow sound.
“Atta girl!” she cried, stealing one of Georgie’s phrases.
“Don’t let the buggers get you down!”
Startled by the insistent sound of the phone ringing, she leaped up and grabbed the receiver, “Hello.” She felt dizzy, as though she’d been at the wine.
Jack’s voice answered.
“Is that you, Kitty?”
“Who else would it be?”
“Sorry. It didn’t sound like you, that’s all. You sound breathless, as though you’ve been running.”
“You don’t sound too bright yourself. Is there a problem?” For weeks now she had suspected there was, but Jack was not a man to discuss his personal affairs.
“No problem, sweetheart.” His voice brightened.
“Just checking that everything’s all right for tonight?”
“Everything is perfect.” If only it was. But then nothing in life was ever perfect.
“Got everything you need then?” He was back to his old self.
“You’ve only to ask.”
“Thank you all the same.” Why was he so insistent? So determined to make her reliant on him?
“I rang earlier, but there was no reply.”
“That’s because there was no one in.”
“Where were you?”
There it was again, that certain tone of voice, like a fat hen scolding a naughty child.
“Does it matter?”
“It does to me.” Now he was that hurt little boy again.
“Mildred and I did a bit of last-minute shopping.”
“Oh.”
“Jack?”
“Yes?”
“Are you sure there isn’t a problem?” She eased herself into the nearest chair.
“You sound a bit down.”
“Tired, I expect. I’ve been helping to scrape that old hulk…you know, the one we bought for a song. I’m certain it’ll make us a small fortune when it’s varnished and refitted.”
“Considering the time and effort you’ve put into it, I hope so.” She suddenly remembered something.
“There was a note on my desk asking me to prepare Ben’s wages, holiday pay, week in hand, all his dues in fact.” Ben had been with the firm since the early days.
“Can I ask why he’s been laid off?”
“Because he’s past his best.”
He was lying and Kitty knew it.
“He’s a good man. Works hard, knows his job. And he’s honest.”
“I’m well aware of that.” Before she could say anything else, he pointed out bluntly, “The men are my business, Kitty. I hire and fire who I like. But it’s good to know you take such an interest in the company. Ben is one issue. You’re another.”
“You’re saying he’s dispensable and I’m not?” She liked old Ben.
“I’m just saying I could ne
ver afford to fire you. Unless, of course, you agreed to marry me?” There was a short silence while she could imagine him smiling on the other end of the line.
When he realised she was not rising to the bait, he spoke again.
“Look forward to seeing you later, sweetheart. Make yourself beautiful. Love you.”
The phone went dead.
“Why do I let you get away with it?” she demanded, glaring at the receiver.
“Talking to me as though we have a close relationship going.” Mind you, she deserved it. Hadn’t she let him into her bed? Hadn’t they made love? Wouldn’t any man think he had the right to be intimate after that? Well, of course he would! She was a fool for thinking otherwise.
In the first few weeks after that night, Kitty had been desperately worried she might be pregnant. As time passed and she discovered her fears were groundless, she sent up a prayer of thanks.
After a while, though, she began to worry about something else. Why wasn’t she pregnant? Why hadn’t it happened? Surely it was unnatural?
A man and woman, deep in the throes of lovemaking, with no protection?
She should be pregnant! Oh, she was thankful, there were no two ways about that. But it played on her mind all the same, and the more she thought about it, the more she wondered. There remained only two possibilities. Either Jack was infertile, or she was.
OR SHE WAS!
But how could that be? How could any woman be infertile when she wanted children as much as Kitty wanted them? It had always been her dream; she and Harry, married, with any number of children.
She and Harry. Though the bitterness ran through her, she had to laugh. Without Harry the dream was already broken. Without children?
Dear God! She mentally shook herself. It didn’t even bear thinking about.
Mildred returned two hours later.
“I’m sorry it took so long.”
Breathless and excited, she rushed into the kitchen.
Her cheeks were cherry red and there was an aura about her that put Kitty in mind of Georgie whenever Mac was around.
“Is there a brew going?” she asked. Ripping off her coat and shoes, she dropped into the chair with a loud sigh.
Living a Lie Page 25
