“Well, my goodness. Well. This is a development.”
It was a development, all right. Now that she was looking at it, she was startled. She had not felt anything of this sort in a long time. After her failure with Monte, her passion for anything had pretty much dried out, and she had believed this was for the best. When one did not feel deeply, one could not be hurt deeply.
“Do you think you might marry him?” Charlene was saying, although it took a few seconds for her question to penetrate.
“No—good grief, Charlene. I’ve only known him for a few days.” The impression of her family seemed to be that she was flighty and irresponsible. Freddy had called her a dingbat, and Charlene had used the term free spirit.
“That’s long enough to get married. Joey’s cousin Mel got married to a girl he knew for just a week.”
“Well, with my track record, I don’t think I have any business thinking about gettin’ married again.”
She sat up, bending her legs. The puppy, who was now lying on her boots, turned and looked at her, as if seeking a cue to get on his feet. She thought that she didn’t have any business keeping a dog, either, and she was pretty certain Charlene was going to be annoyed when she brought him home.
She said, “It’s just that my vow of celibacy seems to be slipping.”
“Celibacy? When did you come up with that?”
“When I got divorced from Monte. It seemed the thing to do, with my record. And I wasn’t much interested in men, anyway.”
The line hummed, and then Charlene said, “Oh, my gosh, then this one—Harry, isn’t it? He’s the first since Monte?”
Rainey nodded, as if her sister could see her. “Yes…and, Charlene, this is so stupid.”
“Feelings are never stupid,” Charlene said in a scolding manner. “Feelings just are, neither good or bad of themselves, just troublesome. Are you sleepin’ with him? Is he there now?” She dropped her voice to a wild whisper, like that mattered over the telephone.
“Of course not. I wouldn’t call you if he was.” She looked over to the empty side of the bed, and Harry’s image swept through her mind. “But I wish he was. Oh, Lord, Charlene…I never thought I’d feel this way again. I know that sounds a little silly, but since I haven’t felt like this all these years, I figured I was beyond it. Now…oh, I’m just so confused. I don’t want to turn into a woman like Lila Hicks and have a path worn to my back door by men comin’ for a sample, and giving away so many pieces of myself until all I have is this horrible bleached hair and desperate eyes with bright-blue shadow.”
“No, you don’t want that,” Charlene agreed readily. “Even though I don’t think I should criticize poor Lila. And I think you are a far ways from it, since you haven’t been with anyone since Monte.” She sounded as if she were still mesmerized by that fact.
“Lila Hicks probably started because she kept thinking she was in love,” Rainey said. “That’s how I got married twice.”
“I think if he is the first to get you in this state since Monte, you can be certain you feel something genuine for this man.”
Rainey considered that. “Yes…but I don’t see that it makes a difference. I felt genuine love for Robert and Monte, and look how that turned out.”
“I see your point. And you really haven’t slept with anyone else?”
“No,” Rainey said. She was a little annoyed that her sister kept belaboring that particular point. “What do you think of me, Charlene? I have never slept with anyone but my husbands, which is probably my entire problem. I am hung up on feeling such a commitment about sex.”
“I didn’t think anything, except that you are thirty-four and really pretty and healthy, and it just seemed natural that you’d have a man now and again.”
The line hummed.
“I never really thought about it at first,” Rainey said. “I was just so upset at messing up with Monte, knowin’ the reason I had gotten tangled up with him was because I had let myself go in regards to sex. I’d just been so needy in that department. Later, I would feel needy sometimes, but mostly I’ve just cried myself to sleep, or gone driving or riding. Really, there hasn’t been much temptation. I don’t meet lots of eligible men.”
“No, Valentine does not contain an abundance of available men,” Charlene agreed with a sigh. Then, “Oh, Rainey, you must have been so frustrated. Sometimes I’ve gotten so worried about what I might do if I lost Joey. I haven’t ever admitted it, but I just can’t imagine goin’ for years without sex. I do believe the teachings of the Bible—it is practical advice to have restraint—but a healthy woman going without sex is one thing that seems beyond me. Maybe if one loves God so much, sex with a human doesn’t matter. I can understand that, and I can understand gettin’ old and outgrowing the need for sex, or maybe goin’ crazy and not needing it, but by and large, most healthy women need it. I love Joey so much that sometimes I can’t keep my hands off him, and sometimes at night I’ve gotten so scared at the thought of what would happen if he died that I’ve woken him up to make love to me.”
For a minute Rainey had a bit of panic, thinking that her sister was going to go on with details, which would not help her at all, but thankfully, Charlene stopped.
Rainey said, “Charlene, time just gets by, and finally you come to see that you don’t want a man for just physical things, and you can make it without one for almost anything else.”
Charlene said, “I guess. But it seems that if you’ve met a man who sparks your heart, I believe it is a blessing. He could be the one you have been longing for.”
“No. He’s just passin’ time, passin’ through.” Her heart didn’t want to accept that, she thought, which was the entire problem.
“Well…I guess you might end up being glad you let it all go right by you,” Charlene said. “A good rule of thumb is always to do nothing until you are certain. And I would say that I’ve heard a lot of people say they had regrets about havin’ an affair, but I’ve hardly heard anyone say they regret not havin’ an affair.”
“How many people do you know who have had affairs?”
“A few,” Charlene said in a knowing manner. “And look at all those people on the soap operas. If a person has half a brain she can sure learn from a soap—those people are hardly ever happy, and what they do most is jump from one affair to the next.
“Oh, my gosh, someone is pullin’ up…it’s Mary Lynn’s car…and she’s brought Jojo home…I wonder what’s happened, Jojo was goin’ to spend the night with Sarah over at their house. Mary Lynn looks serious…and she’s carryin’ somethin’. I’ve got to hang up now.”
Charlene’s voice had been steadily rising until it vibrated with high agitation. Rainey said, “Goodbye,” quickly in order to give her sister freedom, but as she went to hang up, she heard Charlene yell.
“Rainey, wait! Thanks for calling me, honey. And you are not like Lila Hicks and never will be. Trust yourself. Don’t be afraid of your feelings. Don’t be afraid of yourself.”
She rather startled Rainey with her hurried stream of words, and it was several seconds before she got out, “Thanks, Charlene.” She didn’t know, though, if her sister heard, because quite quickly there came the hard click of the phone being hung up.
As she replaced the receiver, she wondered about Jojo. Her niece was the sweetest little girl, but she could do unpredictable things. One time she had taken twenty dollars from the jar in the kitchen, money Charlene was saving for Joey’s birthday party, and bought ice cream for all the neighborhood kids, and another time she had hidden a little neighbor boy under her bed for an entire night.
Rainey supposed it was this little quirky bent of Jojo’s that made her one of Rainey’s favorite people.
Slipping down in the bed, she rolled over and closed her eyes, feeling relaxation wash over her. She mused that the talking hadn’t settled anything, but at least it had gotten her jumbled emotions out. As she fell asleep, she thought of how she could be unpredictable, too, like Jojo. But she w
as all she had. And she was tired of being afraid of herself.
A knock sounded on the door while she was using the curling iron on her hair. Her heartbeat did a little jump. She whipped open the door, and there was Harry, as she had known he would be. But she was surprised to see him holding a small arrangement of flowers toward her.
When she just stood there staring, he pushed them closer, saying, “These are for you.”
“Oh.” She took the vase of flowers. “Thank you.”
She realized she needed to step backward to let him in.
“Where did you get these?” she thought to ask. The flowers were in fall colors, mums, little lilies, carnations, all her favorites.
“Florists deliver. So does the pizza parlor, and I hope you like yours with mushrooms. It should be arriving any minute. I thought we could have pizza in and avoid rushing and the crowd, and after the rodeo, we could go over to this restaurant the clerk told me about and get dinner. I didn’t think you’d be able to go much longer than four hours without food.”
He went over and sat himself down in the blue upholstered chair. Sat all the way back in it.
Rainey set the vase on the table and thanked him again.
He said, “I wanted to show you I appreciate what you’ve done for me.”
“I haven’t done anything special. I’ve appreciated your company.” Then she turned quickly, saying, “I just have to finish with my hair.” She was going to pull it back in a ponytail at her neck, but the ends needed to be controlled.
Looking into the mirror, she heard him click on the television, and then her gaze drifted to see his reflection in the glass. He had the remote in his hand as he watched CNN.
She kept glancing at him in the mirror, quick little glances that she didn’t think he could see, and she saw him glance at her, but they each went on pretending as if neither felt the pull between them. It was a magnetic pull, one that suddenly was so strong that she imagined if someone tried to walk between them, they would get bounced right off the magnetic waves.
She would glance at him and then at the vase of flowers. She told herself that the magnetic pull was probably her imagination, but then she saw him repeatedly looking at the floor in her direction, and she realized he was looking at her feet, which were bare.
This caused her to became inordinately aware of her bare feet. She felt naked. The pull continued between them, so strong that she could not meet his gaze for fear that a blaze might occur in midair.
She began to think that maybe she should bring it out in the open, say something like, “Listen, we have got to get this settled. Are we going to make love?”
Or maybe she would simply turn around and go to him and kiss him.
But of course she couldn’t do that. There wasn’t time, for one thing. She had to get herself together and get over to race Lulu around barrels.
She was all wrapped up in these thoughts while Harry watched television and looked at her feet, and then she dropped her earring as she pulled it from her jewelry pouch.
It was her habit to wear the silver disks with Indian designs when she rode; she felt they were her lucky earrings, even though she didn’t really believe in luck but in God. Maybe she believed mostly in her mother, because it had been Mama who had given her these earrings.
When she dropped the earring, it bounced in a most peculiar way, and she didn’t see it anywhere. The carpet was a gunmetal color, and her earring was antiqued silver. She went down on her hands and knees, and then Harry came over to help her look. He got down, too.
“I don’t see how I could lose it in this little space.”
“Maybe it bounced into the bathroom…I don’t see it.”
“Well, it couldn’t have disappeared.”
“Here it is.” He had moved the trash can and found it lying next to the baseboard.
“Well, that is strange…bet I couldn’t do that again.”
Then he was looking at her ear and saying he would put it in for her. She stood stock-still with anticipation. His hands were gentle, and he knotted his brows in concentration. She tingled from her ear down her neck at his touch. Then the magnetic force took hold of both of them and brought their eyes together. There really was no need for words, because they were both asking the same question.
Rainey looked at his lips, and the memory of when he had kissed her flashed across her mind. The next instant, she said, “Thank you,” and turned away and began throwing all her cosmetics and brushes back into their case, clinging to ignoring him for all she was worth.
Then the young man arrived with the pizza. Rainey hurried to get into her purse for money, but it turned out that Harry had cash. He said he’d found an ATM at the convenience store half a mile down the road. Apparently he had been getting around while she’d been sleeping.
CHAPTER 20
Rodeo Gals
Rainey almost missed the grand entry.
It took more time than she had imagined to stop and get a collar and leash for the puppy, and she felt that had to be done, since he was going to be left tied to the trailer while they attended the rodeo. They selected the collar and leash quickly enough, but then had to stand in a long checkout line, made longer because the cash register decided to get confused. Pretty soon three people had to work it over. Rainey might have just left the collar and leash, but she worried that because of her procrastination in getting a proper leash and collar, and then her impatience, the puppy might get hurt.
Then she discovered Lulu had thrown a shoe. She found it in her stall. The mare had probably kicked the stall wall, in the way she had of doing when she got annoyed at being confined. The only farrier was backed up with serious difficulties with two roping horses, and slowed by a handy bottle of Jim Beam, too. If Lulu had thrown the shoe right before the race, Rainey would have raced with it like that, but since it had happened early enough to get corrected, she felt it her duty to do so, even if it meant she could possibly miss the grand entry.
As she awaited her turn, not wanting to miss her place in line, feeling disappointed because she wanted to ride out in front of Harry, who had gone off to get them box seats and would be looking for her, might even worry about what had happened to her, Leanne came by, saw her predicament and said she would ask Clay to fix it.
“Clay’s daddy was a farrier, and he’s shod horses since he was a boy. He does all my horseshoeing. I won’t let anyone else touch them.”
Rainey appreciated Leanne’s generosity. Her cousin obviously was confident that there was no way Rainey was going to come close to being competition for her.
Leanne went off and came back with Clay, who was terribly handsome and likely looked great bare-chested on a calendar. Her next impression, however, was of a surly individual.
“Come on over to the trailer,” he said in a gruff voice, directly after Leanne had made the introductions.
Pivoting, he started away in long rapid strides. He might not have been overly tall, but he had long legs. Leanne, tugging along her horse, ran to catch up to him, and Rainey tugged Lulu and broke into a jog to follow, going out into the twilight, leaving the riders gathering for the entry and the music pouring out of the arena. They had to pass right by her own rig, and the puppy wagged and barked, and she felt mean not stopping, but she hurried on, having the sense that if she so much as slowed down, Clay was going to whirl on her and yell, “Come on.”
Clay reset Lulu’s shoe in the manner of a man who could do it in his sleep. While Rainey could not fault his ability, she did not approve of his impatient manner toward Lulu. Rainey stood there paying attention in a way that let him know she was paying attention, ready to jump in if he got too rough with her horse. Leanne ducked into the trailer and came back out and stood nearby, and she and Rainey chatted, the sort of talk you have when you really aren’t paying attention.
“Lulu is pretty as ever,” Leanne said.
“She’s reached her prime.”
“I have a gelding you might be interested in, if
you want to keep racing and get somewhere with it.”
“I don’t know. I’m goin’ home on Sunday.” It occurred to her that going home had nothing to do with it, but it seemed to.
Leanne said, “Oh, well, maybe when I get back there I’ll give you a call.”
Then they both fell silent. Leanne seemed to fade inside herself. Although she didn’t say anything to Clay, it was like she was listening to him. She stood watching him with her arms sort of wrapped around herself. There was something about the two of them that made Rainey nervous. Of course, Leanne usually made her a little nervous.
Clay finished and dropped Lulu’s foot, saying, “You’d better get her shod all around pretty quick. That’ll be thirty dollars.”
She was so surprised that at first she wondered if she’d heard him correctly.
“Oh, Clay, don’t be silly,” Leanne said in a surprised and annoyed tone. “This is my cousin…no, Rainey, do not worry about it.”
“I think all I have is a twenty,” Rainey said, digging into her pocket.
“I said don’t worry about it,” Leanne said, her voice sharp. “I’ll cover it.”
Clay hadn’t said anything. He was putting his tools away. Leanne had her eyes glued on him, while giving Rainey a dismissing wave.
Rainey, uncertain, held out the twenty, and Clay took it with a nod, and then the three of them started back to the arena, Clay again walking quickly and Leanne double stepping to keep up with him. Rainey was just as happy to follow more slowly with Lulu, to put a distance between herself and them. She could hear Leanne’s angry whispers and Clay’s deeper ones. She was a little embarrassed to think she was the cause of them arguing.
Thirty bucks for ten minutes work, she thought. It was the expertise that cost, not the time, she supposed, mulling over the fact that back home she could have had Lulu completely shod all the way around for a top price of forty-five dollars. But she wasn’t back home, and this had been an emergency, so she supposed she should be grateful. A man was worthy of his hire. And he wasn’t a relative of hers. Thank heaven.
Lost Highways (A Valentine Novel) Page 18
