"You've built a relationship with him," she said, watching him pace. Her mouth felt stiff and her voice sounded unfamiliar. Her heart ached for him, for his situation, but she refused to think about what he'd asked her. "You're the one spending time with him. He's living with you, for heaven's sake. Doesn't that count for anything?"
"Apparently not. They're not going to dispute my temporary custody because they know I'd raise a hell of a stink. Rafael has just begun to come out of his shell and trust me. They don't want the kind of publicity that moving him would cause. But permanent adoption is another matter. Rafael has become high profile, and that means that everything has to be perfect. If he was just another lost kid, they'd be glad to let me adopt him. He's eight years old, and he suffered a lot in San Rafael. Most people want perfect babies, not troubled children. But now Rafael is a celebrity. No social service agency is going to take a chance on giving him to a single father with the whole country watching."
"If you marry now, won't the judge realize you did it only to get custody of him?" She had to concentrate on the practical, the details. It's what she had become good at, these last three years. There was no room for emotion in her life anymore, no room for feelings.
He stopped pacing and came over to sit next to her again. His dark gaze bored into hers with an intensity that made her heart begin to pound again. She wanted to move away, but forced herself to remain motionless. "Not if I marry you, Janie."
She heard the reluctance in his voice, and although her heart twisted painfully, her mind told her to rejoice. He didn't want to marry her, not really. He was only concerned with Rafael. Forcing herself to try and think logically, she asked, "Why me? There are other single women in town around my age."
"Not many. And most of them already have children. I don't want to involve any other children. I don't want to take a chance on hurting a child." He spoke too quickly, and didn't quite meet her eyes.
"I can name several women who are single with no children. Have you already asked them?"
He didn't answer for a long time. Finally he looked directly at her and slowly shook his head. "It has to be you, Janie."
"Why me?" she whispered. Emotions churned through her in a chaotic swirl. Fear, disappointment, curiosity and pain chased themselves through her mind. And underlying all of them, a deep, insidious pleasure.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes again, he stared at her steadily. "I suppose because of what happened. We made a mistake, Janie, one that I've regretted bitterly, but everyone in Cameron must suspect what happened."
He swallowed, and she watched the ripple of muscles in his neck. "We've avoided each other since, but that hasn't stopped the people in Cameron. In fact, it's just made things worse. Hell, the gossip mill has been in overdrive ever since that night. There are too many people with too much time on their hands around here, and 'Ben and Janie's non-romance' has taken on a life of its own."
He still watched her steadily, and she tried to hide the pain that engulfed her. He was right, of course. What had happened between them had been a mistake, a huge one. She'd known that from the beginning. But hearing him say so in such blunt, brutal terms made something shrivel up and die inside her.
"We both know that there's nothing to the gossip, but no one wants to believe that." He took a deep breath. "I need to make it plain to you that the last thing I want in this life is a wife. But now I have no choice. If I need a wife to adopt Rafael, I'll get married. And too many people in this town have been talking about us, even though we've been avoiding each other. If I marry anyone else, no one's going to buy it. Hell, I don't know if the child welfare authorities will buy it, anyway. But you're my only chance."
His face hardened. "Do you have any idea what Rafael has gone through?"
She shook her head.
"Neither do I. He won't talk about it. But it was bad enough to force an eight-year-old boy to run from his country, to try and get as far away as possible." He glared at her. "Do you know that Rafael isn't even his real name?"
"No, I didn't know that," she whispered.
His eyes turned to flat, opaque stones. "No one knows what his real name is. He wouldn't tell the courier, or Shea, or even me. The courier named him Rafael, after the country. He's too scared to tell anyone his real name. So I don't care if you think what I'm doing is unethical. Someone has to save that boy. And right now, it looks as if that person is me. I'll do whatever it takes."
He paused, and his eyes glittered at her. "And if it took doing something that was illegal, I'd do that, too. I just wouldn't involve anyone else."
"Surely the judge will understand that," she said, and she heard the desperation in her voice. "I can't believe they'd take him away from you, if he's already attached to you."
He gave a derisive snort. "Don't you read the papers? Every day there's another couple holding a press conference, saying what good parents they'd make for Rafael. Parents who could give him what I can't, who could give him every material advantage. Families where he'd have a mother and a father. There's not a judge in this country who would turn them down and give him to me, a single father."
"You don't know that. There must be judges who could see what you can give him."
"I'm not willing to take that chance," he said flatly. "I can't gamble with Rafael's future."
She stared at him for a moment, then looked down at her hands. "I'm sorry, Ben. I can't do it. I can't marry you, even for Rafael's sake."
"Don't say that yet, Janie." He came over and sat beside her, but he didn't touch her again. "I know you have no reason to help me out with this. It sounds like there's nothing in it for you. But I'll give you whatever you want. Just name it, and it's yours."
She couldn't bear to meet his eyes. He couldn't give her the only thing she wanted—a normal life, and he'd already told her he couldn't give her a normal relationship. And even if he could, she couldn't allow herself to take it. "I'm sorry. But there's nothing that I want."
"Is it money?" he asked. "Is that what you need?"
At that she looked up at him, fury crackling through her. "Is that why you think I said no? Do you think I'd risk a child's future for money? Is that the kind of person you think I am?"
"I have no idea what kind of person you are," he said quietly. "I haven't wanted to find out. That's why I don't know what to offer you. I'm sorry if I've offended you, but right now, I only care about Rafael."
Her anger dissipated without a trace, leaving only an aching loneliness behind. How could she fault Ben for wanting to protect a child?
A fist grabbed her heart and squeezed and Janie fought against the lump that swelled in her throat. "I'm sorry, Ben. I wish I could help you, but I can't."
"At least tell me why." He ran his hand through his hair again, and one silky black lock fell over his forehead. "You owe me that, at least."
She closed her eyes, reluctant to look at his pain, and unwilling to let him see hers. "I can't."
She didn't open her eyes, but she felt him staring down at her. "I can't accept that answer, Janie. I'm sorry, but I'll be back. Just remember, time is running short. I have to get married soon, or Rafael will be lost."
He let himself out of the house. Janie stood on trembling legs and walked to the door, securing the locks. Then she leaned against the wail and let the pain wash over her.
Why did Ben have to ask her to marry him? All the memories from that one night came roaring back, memories she'd tried every day to forget. The images danced in front of her, taunting her with their impossibility. Why did Ben have to offer her the one thing that she wanted in all the world, the one thing that she couldn't have?
* * *
Chapter 2
«^»
Ben took a firm hold on Rafael's hand and looked around the park. People were milling everywhere, setting up blankets and opening picnic baskets, and he felt the tension running through the boy.
"It's okay. Rafael," he murmured. "I know it
seems like a lot of people, but just about everyone in Cameron comes to the town picnic. It's the last big party before school starts." He paused. "Are you looking forward to starting school?"
The boy gave a small nod. "Yes."
His English was almost perfect, and Ben knew he had to have learned it in San Rafael. But Rafael wouldn't talk about anything connected with his former home.
"What do you say we pick out a spot for our picnic?" Ben asked, turning to look at the child.
Rafael stared back at him with solemn, dark eyes. "All right."
"Where do you want to sit?"
Rafael looked around, then pointed to a spot near a tree. "There."
A family with three boys had set up their picnic not far away, and Ben wondered if that was why Rafael had picked the spot. He hoped so. He wanted to see Rafael playing and having fun with other kids his age.
As he laid a blanket on the ground and opened the picnic basket, he saw Rafael watching the three boys. After a moment, he walked over to the boy's father. "Hey, Tom, how's it going?"
Tom Jessup, one of the local ranchers, turned and saw Ben and smiled. They talked for a moment, then Ben said quietly, "Would you mind if I introduced Rafael to your boys?"
Tom look startled. "Of course not." He looked over to where his kids were chasing each other and yelled, "Come over here, guys."
The Jessup boys galloped toward their father, and Tom smiled at them. "There's someone I'd like you to meet," he said.
Ben looked over at Rafael, who was watching him with unreadable eyes. "Come on over, Rafael."
The boy approached slowly, watching the three Jessup boys. One of them was older, and one was barely more than a toddler. But the middle boy looked about the same age as Rafael.
"Rafael, these are the Jessup boys." Ben casually laid his arm across Rafael's shoulder. "That's TJ, Stevie and Chuck. Boys, this is Rafael."
TJ, the oldest Jessup boy, grinned and said, "Hi, Rafael. You want to play a Power Rangers game with us?"
Rafael looked up at Ben, his eyes hopeful. Ben's heart moved inside his chest, urging him to scoop the boy up and fold his arms around him, but instead he squeezed his shoulder and said, "That's fine with me, Rafe. Go ahead. I'll be right here."
Rafael watched him for a second, then turned and stepped toward the Jessup boys. They immediately took off, running and yelling, and after only a moment's hesitation, Rafael followed them.
Ben leaned against the tree, watching Rafael run and play. Right now, he looked like a normal boy, a child with nothing more to worry about than the game he was playing. A fierce determination burned inside Ben. He would make sure that this boy was always safe.
A movement caught his attention behind the boys, and he saw that Janie Murphy had arrived at the picnic. Even in a crowd, he always seemed to notice her. His heart sped up as he watched her move through the crowd, just as it did every time he saw Janie. And he ignored it, just as he always did.
Three of the teenage boys from the town followed her, hauling large containers that he knew contained beverages for the picnic. Janie always supplied beverages for the town picnic, and as Ben watched, the teens set the containers on a large table.
They wandered off, and Janie fussed with the stacks of cups for a moment. Then she shoved her hands into the pockets of the loose dress she wore, and turned to survey the crowds.
Even from across the park, Ben felt her tension vibrating in the air. She scanned the crowd continuously, watching everyone around her. He'd bet anything that her hands hidden in her pockets were clenched into fists. Several people came up to speak to her, and she smiled and answered them, but her air of watchfulness never relaxed.
Janie was a mystery. She always had been, but after that one night, she'd been a puzzle that Ben went out of his way to avoid. She'd touched a part of him that he wanted to keep buried, and he'd been determined not to let it happen again.
Now things had changed. He glanced over at Rafael, but the boy was still playing with the Jessup kids. Janie had refused his proposal, but as far as he was concerned, the siege had just begun. He hadn't been too shocked that she'd refused his request the other night, but he had been surprised that she wouldn't give him a reason.
And he'd been stunned at the pain in her eyes, pain that she'd done her best to hide. What she hadn't known was that Ben was a master at hiding pain. He'd done it so often that he had no trouble spotting it in someone else.
Pushing away from the tree, he sauntered over to Tom Jessup. "Would you keep an eye on Rafael for a few minutes, Tom? I need to talk to someone."
"Sure thing."
Ben gave the rancher a casual wave as he headed toward Janie. Her red-gold hair was loose around her shoulders today, curling around her face, and the subtle breeze that blew through the park molded her dress to her slight frame. His throat tightened at the sight of the curves she usually kept hidden behind shapeless clothes, and his heart began to pound. Every inch of her body was imprinted on his memory.
It didn't matter. His body might react at the sight of Janie, but he wasn't interested in her for any reason other than a marriage of convenience. For Rafael's sake. In order to keep Rafael, he had to convince her to marry him. But that was as far as his interest went.
His body called him a liar, but he put the mocking voice out of his mind. Ignoring his hormones was a matter of self-control. Asking Janie to marry him had been the logical choice. It had nothing to do with the way she made him feel.
"Hello, Janie," he said, stopping in front of her.
She jerked once, in surprise, then managed to hide her reaction. "Hi, Ben." Her dark blue eyes lingered on him for a moment, then she looked away.
"Are you looking for someone?" he asked.
Her gaze flew back to him. "No. Why do you ask?"
"You've been scanning the crowd ever since you got here."
If he hadn't been watching her carefully, he wouldn't have noticed her tense even more. "How do you know that?"
"It's my job to notice all kinds of things," he said, trying to keep his voice light.
She shrugged and forced a smile. "I was just trying to figure out if I brought enough iced tea and lemonade."
"Looks good to me," he said, glancing at the huge yellow containers. "Did you bring a picnic with you?"
"No. I have a lot to do at the restaurant today."
"Isn't Heaven on Seventh closed because of the picnic?"
"Yes." She gave him a level look. "That means I can get through a lot of paperwork."
"Why don't you at least stay and have something to eat? I brought enough food to feed an army."
"Thanks, but I need to get back to the restaurant." He moved closer, ignoring the fireworks exploding inside him as her scent surrounded him. "Running away, Janie?"
She held her ground, although he saw her eyes darken. "What would I be running away from?"
"I haven't forgotten what I asked you the other night." She swallowed once but didn't let her gaze drop. "I have. There's nothing to run away from. I already told you, the answer is no."
"Then come and have lunch with me. Enjoy the picnic and the games." He gave her a bland gaze. "You're as much a part of Cameron as anyone else. If you don't have anything to run away from, stay and prove it."
He saw all her emotions chasing themselves across her face. She wanted to tell him to go to hell, but she didn't want him to think she was afraid to stay and face him. Finally she gave a curt nod. "All right. I'll have something to eat with you."
"Great. Our stuff is over there." He pointed to the tree. "Rafael is playing with the Jessup boys."
He touched her arm to guide her toward his picnic spot, and felt the current jump between them. He also felt her flinch, and wondered if it was because she felt the connection, too. Dropping his hand to his side, he deliberately moved a step away from her. He might want her help with Rafael, but he had no intention of playing with fire.
She sat down on the blanket with him, but edged as far
away from him as she could. "What do you have in there?"
For a while, neither of them spoke as they ate cold chicken and potato salad. Most of the people who walked by his blanket gave them a considering look, but Ben pretended not to notice. Janie continued to scan the picnic area, and again he wondered why.
She wouldn't tell him. He knew her well enough to realize that. He'd just have to bide his time. Sooner or later, he'd figure it out.
"Hey, Ben. How're you doing, Janie?" His boss, Devlin McAllister, dropped down on his blanket and pulled his wife, Carly, down with him.
"Hi, Dev. Carly." He watched as Dev reached for his wife and twined their fingers together. He couldn't help the sharp stab of envy and loneliness. Since they'd gotten married the previous winter, the sheriff and his wife had been deliriously happy. No one could miss the glow that surrounded them.
His marriage had never been like that.
They talked for a few minutes, the conversation casual, but Ben didn't miss the sharp look that Dev had given him when he spotted Janie sharing his picnic.
After Dev and Carly had sauntered away, Janie said, "You asked me to share your picnic deliberately, didn't you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I saw that look the sheriff gave you." She tossed her fork onto the picnic basket. "And all the other people who have been staring at us. It just took me a while to put everything together."
Janie jumped to her feet, poised to flee. He uncoiled himself to stand next to her. He touched her elbow again, ignoring the heat that flashed between them. "I need your help, Janie."
Her eyes sparked and she opened her mouth to answer him, but before she could speak, Rafael appeared at his side. Janie abruptly closed her mouth.
"Can we eat now, Ben?"
"Of course, Rafe." He settled his hands on the boy's shoulders and turned him to face Janie. "Do you know Ms. Murphy? She owns the restaurant in town, Heaven on Seventh."
Rafael nodded once. "She has pretty hair. I saw her when we went there to eat."
THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM Page 2
