Once again she’d let her dreams and fantasies rule her better sense. What she knew about men would fit on the head of a pin.
“So…did you come to any conclusions?” She poured two cups of coffee and added cream and sugar in hers. She held the spoon tightly so he wouldn’t see her shaking hands.
“Sort of. What about you?” His expression was guarded as if he was afraid she was going to stomp her feet and yell.
Totally not her style. She had a temper but it was usually a small, contained explosion followed by remorse. As she’d come down the stairs this morning she’d vowed to hold on to any anger he might ignite. There was too much riding on this. It wasn’t just about her, it was about Amelia and how happy and settled she’d become.
Myra wrapped her hands around the mug and sat down at the kitchen island. “I did a lot of thinking last night and I came to one conclusion. The most important thing to me is my daughter. Everything else comes in a distant second. If she’s happy and healthy, then any other problems are minor.”
Holt still stood, his gaze directed out of the window to the empty backyard. “Am I in the pro or con column when it comes to Amelia? I care for your daughter very much.”
A lump formed in Myra’s throat as she remembered Holt with Amelia last night. She had given him a hug and a kiss, her little face alight with love for this man. But Myra’s own feelings weren’t as clear. It was too soon to call what she felt for Holt love. But it was something and she wanted to continue to explore those emotions if given the chance.
“I know you do, and she adores you as well. As far as Amelia is concerned you’re her brand new hero.”
His shoulders stiffening was the only sign that he’d heard her. “I’m no hero. I think this really comes down to whether we can navigate a relationship and continue to work and live together. Do you disagree?”
“No, I don’t disagree. What we’re talking about isn’t easy but it’s not impossible either.”
This time he did turn around, his expression bleak.
“You’re a wonderful woman, Myra. Beautiful, warm, and giving,” he began, staring into his coffee cup.
Here we go. The big brush off. Will I ever learn?
“But,” she prompted, her heart aching and tears pricking the back of her eyes. “But you don’t think this is a good idea.”
Holt’s gaze captured her own and what she saw in his face almost made her forget everything and run to him. He looked…sad. And tired. Resigned.
“I’m so fucking broken, Myra. You deserve someone who isn’t as damaged as I am.”
Pressing her lips together to keep them from trembling, she nodded. “I don’t care about your scars.”
“I believe that you believe that. But what happens when you want to take Amelia to the beach? I can’t go along. Kids would run in horror from me.” He shook his head. “It’s better if we end this now before either one of us has any expectations. I can’t live a normal, everyday life because…I’m not normal.”
She slammed down her coffee mug on the island, the anger she’d promised to harness burning inside and bubbling out of control. He was so full of shit.
“God, when will you get it through your head that you’re not that bad?” She was yelling now but she couldn’t seem to stop. “You use those scars like a shield to keep everyone at bay—well, congratulations. You’re all alone. Happy now? Amelia doesn’t care about those scars and neither do I. This is about you. About what you see when you look in the mirror because I see someone completely different.”
“I see reality.” Holt stood ramrod straight, his expression carved from stone. “As wonderful as last night was – and it was amazing – I think it was a mistake. We got carried away and we didn’t use good judgment. I want us to be able to continue working together and I think having a relationship will put too much strain on us.”
“You mean on you,” Myra retorted. She jumped up from her chair and headed for the door to the backyard and the horse barn. She’d had more than enough of this discussion. “I’ll just go see what Amelia is doing. And we’ll try and stay out of your way so you can be alone.”
Slamming the door behind her, Myra strode away from the house that had become a home and the man that had become so important too quickly. Tears blinded her sight and instead of heading for the barn, she walked the other direction. She needed to go somewhere to pull herself together and lick her wounds.
When it came to men, she was an idiot. She’d actually believed that Holt felt something for her last night. If he did he was too scared to be with her.
And she was too scared to call him on his bullshit.
They were quite a pair.
*
Holt watched Myra’s retreating figure until she disappeared into the distance. Physically painful was the only way he could describe the feeling of pushing her away after last night. For a while as he’d lain in his own bed afterward he’d fooled himself into thinking that it might work out, that they could have a relationship like everyone else. Maybe fall in love. Get married. Have a family.
Then when the sun had come up he’d risen like he did every single day and looked in the mirror. The sheer ugliness of what he’d become slammed into him like a speeding train. He couldn’t ask her to accept less than she deserved. She ought to have someone whole, someone who didn’t have all the fucking neurosis that he did.
Someone who would love her and Amelia more than anything in the world.
That was something he could do but he wasn’t convinced it was something he should do.
Myra was infinitely lovable and if Holt allowed himself he could fall in love with her. He’d kept his emotions on a tight leash until last night. Nothing on heaven or earth could have stopped him from making love to her – tasting her, touching her. It was something he’d remember for the rest of his life.
It couldn’t happen again.
He needed to keep his distance, if not literally, at least emotionally. He’d spent the last few years cut off from the kind of relationships others took for granted. It made life…easier. Simpler.
But there was still one thing he could do for Myra. He strode into the office and picked up the phone, punching in a number he knew by heart.
“Stan? This is Holt. I have a job for you. I need you to find someone.” Holt picked up the paper Myra had scribbled on. “His name is Robert Kisslett. His friends call him Bobby. He’s an over the road trucker who was last heard of in Vegas.”
Holt waited while the PI took down the particulars.
“What do you want me to do when I find him, Holt? Bring him back? Or just get the details?”
“Details for now. Eventually I’ll need you to serve him child support papers.”
“He’s one of your deadbeat dads? I’ll give you the usual discount then. I love bringing these guys in. Give me a few days and I’ll have something.”
Stan Moseley sounded completely confident and for good reason. He’d never let Holt down yet.
“Call me,” Holt rang off, placing the phone back in its cradle before sitting down at the desk. He had a mountain of work waiting since he’d taken the day off yesterday. It would keep his mind firmly on the present and not drifting off to might-have-beens.
Some things never would be, no matter how much he wanted it.
Chapter Nine
‡
“So you just have to go,” Lily exclaimed as they sat by her pool sipping mimosas and enjoying brunch. She and Dane had invited Myra and Amelia over and eating, swimming, and relaxing were the order of the day.
The last week had been pretty miserable for Myra. Since that morning when Holt had given her the brush off they’d been tiptoeing around each other. Holt had invented several reasons to be out of the office and she was simply trying to keep her head down and not show how incredibly heartbroken she was by his rejection.
“A charity ball? Why would I go? I won’t know anyone there.”
“You’ll know me,” Lily countered. “You�
�ll know Dane. Plus Holt will be there. This is his favorite charity. His brother Beck will probably be there too since he’s back in the States.”
If Holt was going to be there she definitely wasn’t going. Although she was shocked he was attending. Almost every party invitation he received she declined on his behalf. This charity must be something special for him to break his usual habit and venture out with people who weren’t his closest friends.
“It’s not a good idea. Besides, I don’t have anything to wear.”
At least that was the truth. She wasn’t exactly awash in ball gowns nor places to wear them. It wasn’t practical to buy a dress to only wear once.
Unless it was a wedding dress. That was completely different.
“We’ll get you something to wear. In fact, we’ll make a day of it. Hair, nails, the whole enchilada.” Lily wore her usual bright smile and was practically bouncing in the chair with excitement. “This is going to be so much fun. Dane hates these things so the more friends we have going, the better.”
“I can’t let you do that. You have better things to spend your money on.”
“Name one thing,” Lily snorted. “It’s totally worth it not to be the only normal person there. So many of those rich people all in one place? It gives me the willies.”
Myra laughed as Lily delicately shuddered. “The willies? You’re probably richer than all of them. Combined.”
“I wasn’t born with money.” Lily shrugged as if she didn’t care and she probably didn’t. She’d never been about money and things in all the time Myra had known her. “Please say you’ll come. You’ll be doing us a big favor.”
“Do those puppy dog eyes work on Dane?” Myra sipped her mimosa and made a snap decision. Lily was her best friend in the world. It was time to come clean. “Listen, I didn’t mention this before but I think I need to say something now. The job is becoming difficult. There’s a lot of tension between Holt and I. I think I need to look for another job. That’s why I don’t think it’s a good idea to go to this ball if Holt will be there. The less time we spend together the better.”
Lily sat straight up, her mouth falling open. “Another job? Tension? What the hell happened? I thought everything was going great. Did you two have some sort of falling out?”
Dane, who was playing with Amelia and Nicky in the pool, stopped what he was doing and frowned at Lily. He’d obviously heard what she’d asked. Lily waved to her husband and shook her head.
“Everything’s fine, honey. It’s okay.”
Dane nodded and went back to splashing with the kids but Myra could tell he had one eye on Lily.
She leaned forward, her voice low. “So tell me what happened.”
Myra gripped the stem of her glass and braced herself for Lily’s reaction. “We didn’t have so much a falling out as I kind of fell out of my clothes… If you know what I mean.”
Lily’s eyes went wide and then she grinned. “That’s wonderful. That’s what we hoped would happen.” Her smiled fell abruptly. “Wait, was it not good? Was the sex bad?”
“Of course not. It was great. But then it wasn’t.” Myra sighed and took a fortifying gulp of her drink. “The next morning Holt said it shouldn’t have happened and that he got carried away. He started in on this whole line about how he’s damaged and he can’t go to the beach or something. Like he’s fucking Quasimodo. Anyway he pushed me away and now we can hardly stand to be in the same room with one another. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Everyone has noticed, even Amelia. She asked me yesterday why Holt is so mad.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I said he wasn’t angry, that he was just busy and overworked. It’s not a lie. He’s been working fifteen hours a day all week. I think he’s working today as well.”
The pain in her heart had only grown this week as she and Holt had drifted further apart. Even now with the decision to look for another job made, all she could feel was a sad despair for Holt. She could move on. Find someone new. But Holt was stuck with the mindset that there was something deeply wrong with him and that he wasn’t good enough.
Lily perched her chin on her hand. “So that’s it? You’re just going to give up and walk away? Get another job and don’t look back? What a coward you are.”
Myra jumped to her feet, stung by her best friend’s words. “I’m not a coward. I just know when I’m not wanted. And believe me he’d made it clear this week that my mere presence makes him uncomfortable. He needs to work through whatever crap keeps him from being happy. I need to find someone else. It would have never worked.” Myra’s temper simmered. “And I can’t believe you and Dane were matchmaking. Manipulating me and Holt. I think I’m more mad about that, if you want the truth. It’s a crappy thing to do to a friend.”
Lily hopped to her feet as well. “Crappy? You think what I did was crappy? I was trying to make you happy, as happy as I am. Finding you a job with a handsome and sexy billionaire is a bad thing to do? Well, lock me up and throw away the key. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Even with all his issues, Holt Winslow is a thousand times the man that Bobby is or could ever be. You’re just scared to go after Holt. Make him listen to you.”
Dane was suddenly insinuating himself between them, Amelia and Nicky playing on the swingset and ignoring the adults.
“Both of you stop this.” He turned to his wife who was currently wearing an indignant expression. “What are you two arguing about?”
“We’re not arguing—we’re discussing.”
“Fine, then what are you discussing?” Dane had crossed his arms over his chest, one eyebrow lifted in question.
“It’s my fault,” Myra interjected. “I’ve had a really bad week and I took it out on Lily. I’m sorry.”
Lily threw up her hands and groaned. “No, it is not all your fault. I’m no angel. This is what you do, Myra. You let people off the hook too easily. Bobby, your mother, your future mother-in-law, Holt, and now me. It’s okay to hold someone’s feet to the fire. If Holt gave you a bucket of bullshit about why you two shouldn’t be together, then call him on it.”
“You and Holt?” A smile was playing on Dane’s lips. “Lily thought you would be good for him and him for you. She’s a smart cookie.”
Lily elbowed her handsome husband. “Holt had a few morning after regrets.”
“If he’s broken your heart, I’ll put a hurt on him,” vowed Dane with a grin. “In fact, I’ll go over there right now and punch him in the nose for you. I just need my car keys.”
Not sure if he was serious or joking but fearing the former, Myra grabbed his arm and vigorously shook her head. “Don’t you dare, Dane Braxton. I can handle this.”
Dane stroked his chin and nodded. “Fine, I’ll hold off on decking him. Just what are you doing to handle this?”
“I’m going to look for another job. I think it’s best.” Myra choked a little on the words as her throat clogged with emotion. Leaving Holt wasn’t going to be easy.
“If you’re looking for a new job you need to network more,” Dane offered. “That’s why you should definitely go with us to the charity ball. Lots of people to meet and greet. Lots of opportunities to talk to influential people who could really open doors for you.”
Myra had effectively been cornered with logic. Getting a good job was all about connections and she didn’t have any unless you counted the guy at the pizza place who always gave her extra cheese and didn’t charge her for it.
“I’ll go,” she sighed in resignation. She wasn’t going to win anyway. Not with Lily grinding away at the subject. “But I won’t let you buy my dress. I mean it.”
Lily and Dane smiled and nodded in agreement, not that Myra actually believed they agreed. They were placating her for later. Lily especially was sneaky but Myra adored her friend anyway. Lily was only trying to help. She was so happy with Dane she wanted everyone around her to be that happy too.
Dane left them to return to the children who wanted someone to
push them on the swings. Lily wrapped her arms around Myra and gave her a big hug.
“I know I’m a pain in the ass but I just want you to find a man like Dane. Someone who will really love you and put you and Amelia first for a change. Bobby was nice but you were never a priority with him.”
“I know. I made a lot of excuses for him for a long time. Maybe it’s all for the best with Holt though. Honestly, I need to make some changes in my life. You’re right about me not demanding respect from people. I didn’t with Bobby and now I’ve let Holt throw out some lame ass excuse as to why we can’t be together. I have to find a backbone. I don’t want to be this pathetic forever.”
“You’re not pathetic, you’re just nice. Too nice. For someone with a temper to match her hair you don’t let it fly near enough. Let it go once in a while.”
That wasn’t bad advice. The letting go part. She needed to let go of the tension and resentment she’d been holding onto this week. When next she saw Holt she was going to be a whole new woman.
A calm, cool, rational woman that could take rejection.
*
“What are we going to do?” Lily asked Dane as Myra’s car disappeared into the horizon later that day. “They’re perfect for each other.”
Dane put his arm around Lily’s shoulders and guided her into the house. His normally down-to-earth wife was acting out of character when it came to Holt and Myra. It was important to Lily that her friend be happy, but she was going to have to lay off a little bit.
“You’re pushing too much. When you push people it’s their instinct to push back. Especially Holt. He’s one stubborn son of a bitch. He had to be to recover from injuries the way he did. Myra’s getting there, sweetheart. She sees what needs to be done. You’ve got to trust that we’ve planted the seeds. But if something is going to grow it’s up to them.”
Emeralds, Rubies, and Camouflage Page 7
