“Silly! We’re having pizza tonight. That’s all. Is that okay with youuuuu?” Claire drew out the last word in mock sarcasm.
“I love pizza!” Noah nodded his approval and rushed to the cookie jar.
Elizabeth, Rex, and Michael came as early as they could, and once the food arrived, everyone relaxed. Pizza never tasted so good, life never felt so good, and miracles such as theirs didn’t happen every day.
On the way home, Paul seemed particularly energized. “I feel useful. I don’t like that Lily is hurting, but I feel like I have a purpose, and a reason to keep going. Is that selfish?”
Was it a rhetorical question or was he waiting for an answer? Elizabeth wasn’t sure. “If that makes you selfish, then I must be selfish beyond measure. I’ve been keeping quiet, but seeing you guide our little girl through this painful journey, and seeing the light come back in your eyes at the same time has brought me peace and calm for the first time in decades. This ship is yours, Paul. You’re a good captain.”
She managed a quick kiss on his cheek as she helped him to the front door. She wished she could go inside and stay the night, curled up beside him one more time, but instead reminded herself to be happy with what they had, and got back behind the wheel to drive home.
Chapter 41
“One more visit to physical therapy and I’m done.” There was no hiding Lily’s excitement and anticipation as she told her parents the news they had been waiting for.
“It’s been almost one year . . . one very long year, and I can’t believe it’s finally over. Michael and I have been talking about how we should celebrate, and we thought it might be fun to take a family trip to Hawaii.” She looked around her mother’s small apartment, scattered with a collection of memories from her childhood, but understood that most were at the house with her father—his treasures. Wistful and sad, she found a spot on the couch next to her father, and he pushed aside his daily magazines and newspapers to make room. She rested her hand on his, and with high hopes, asked, “Daddy, what do you think? Could you and Mama join us? It would be such a special treat.”
“I’ll think about it. I’m not sure I can make the plane ride or even enjoy all the activities. I would end up staying in the hotel room all day and ruining it for everyone.”
Elizabeth interjected, “I think it sounds like a wonderful idea. Your father and I will talk about it tonight.”
Elizabeth didn’t want to worry her children and ruin the celebratory mood, but after his daily visits with Lily ended, Paul had reverted back to the thick fog that surrounded his days and nights. It was taking him much longer to get ready every morning, and most days, when Elizabeth came by on her lunch hour, Paul was still in his sweat pants and T-shirt from the night before. As much as she wanted to help him shower and dress, he insisted he could do it himself and refused to ask anyone for assistance. He was brightest when surrounded by his family, and even Elizabeth was thinking how beneficial a trip like this might be for his emotional well-being.
“Always wanted to go to Hawaii.” Paul became more animated and turned to Lily. “Did I ever tell you I taught guys from my squad how to surf right before we left for Vietnam? Right here in Oceanside. Did you know that, my girl?”
“I think you mentioned you taught those boys from Oklahoma and Montana to surf.”
“True story.” Paul’s eyes brightened as he recalled the memory. “We’ll try. But you and Michael, and Julia and Rex and the grandkids should plan the trip, no matter what. I think it’s a solid idea.”
“I have to run. I love you, Mama, I love you, Daddy.” Lily hugged them and waved once more from the car.
“Be careful,” Paul muttered after she had already pulled out of the driveway and headed home. He took a deep breath and lowered himself back into a comfortable position on the couch. “I can’t do it. You know I can’t. But why don’t you take a much-needed break and join the kids.”
Elizabeth, too, knew that it was an impossible dream. “I wouldn’t think of going anywhere without you. I would be just as happy resuming our walks at the sea wall and having a hot coffee drink while we watch the sun go down. I’ve always thought we lived in paradise, and I can’t imagine any place being more beautiful than our own backyard.”
“Well, keep an open mind. If you want to go, that’s fine with me.”
“Quiet, no more discussion. I’ll call Lily tomorrow and let her know the timing’s not right for us, but that they should go.”
Paul nodded and Elizabeth changed the subject. Paul’s natural ruddy complexion had turned yellow and waxy over the last few weeks, and Elizabeth was spending too much time trying to convince him to see the doctor for a full physical. The combination of medications doled out in high dosages decreased his energy during the day, but at least there were no more night traumas and his sleep pattern had become somewhat normal. Still, she feared something was very wrong and made an appointment for Paul, whether he agreed or not.
“Paul, I made a doctor’s appointment for you tomorrow at one o’clock. You don’t look good.” There, she said it, brutal, but honest. “I know you don’t want to, but please go for me. That’s all I ask. Just humor me and let me pick you up around noon. I’ve arranged for the afternoon off, and I’ll have the rest of the day to spend with you.”
Paul wasn’t in the mood to argue or disagree. “Do I have a choice? I’ll be ready.” Already appearing tired and exhausted from his everyday routine, Paul lifted his legs onto the sofa and stretched out without removing his shoes. Lowering his head on the firm armrest, he turned to Elizabeth, “I’m going to take a quick nap. Do you mind?”
“Of course not. I’ll start dinner and wake you when it’s ready.” Her eyes welled with tears. A feeling of dread rolled over her like an obscure omen as she stood in the doorway and watched Paul’s chest rise and fall. She memorized every hair on his head and line in his face, and studied his sleeping countenance, now peacefully at rest.
“Whatever it is, I’m not ready to hear it,” she thought, knowing his physical would show something irreversible and life threatening. “I’m not ready to say goodbye.” She tried to halt her thoughts as her throat tightened and she realized how much strength and resolve it took to hold back the watershed of emotion that was about to erupt. This is not how it was supposed to be. We never had a chance to be anything but broken, together or apart. What happened to the wonderful life we hoped to share? I’ve missed you for such a long time, my sweet Paul.
Practiced in the art of waking Paul from a sound sleep, she knew better than to approach him from behind, or get close to him until he was awake and functioning. Because he startled easily and was constantly on high alert, the entire family knew to be cautious when rousing him. Elizabeth spoke quietly as she made her way from the kitchen to the living room. “Paul, dinner’s ready.” As she approached, she continued to watch his steady breathing, while trying to stir him. “Paul?”
“Mmm . . . what?” His eyes fluttered, then opened wide, darting from one corner of the room to another. He focused on Elizabeth and realized where he was. “Did you say dinner was ready?”
Reaching out with a steady arm, Elizabeth helped him from the couch and made sure his chair was far enough away from the table so that he could settle in and adjust without falling. As painful as it was to watch, she wasn’t ready to see his chair empty in her little apartment, or at the little house up the street where a lifetime of memories had been made.
“Smells wonderful, meat loaf?”
Smiling and appreciative that he still had an appetite, she patted his shoulder on the way to the stove, returning with a plate of meat loaf, steaming mashed potatoes, and fresh green beans. She had already poured the tall glass of milk, and put the bread and butter on the table, just in case. Elizabeth hated the white bread Paul insisted upon, but he said it was one of the fondest memories he had of his parents before his mother died. She always bought white, Wonder Bread for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and
even though he sometimes didn’t touch it, he knew it was there at every meal.
Cutting his meatloaf into bite-sized pieces, Paul sat up straight. “I want you to cancel the doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I know I’m sick, and at this point, it doesn’t make any difference what the tests say, or how many more drugs they want to pump into me.”
Elizabeth’s face fell as she felt his resolve. She was terrified at the thought of him leaving too soon. “Are you sure? Maybe it’s just an infection or something. Maybe you only need a dose of antibiotics?” She felt like she was begging. “Just one, initial visit?” She didn’t even want to discuss anything worse than a cold, but Paul insisted.
“I’m a tough Marine. Please let me do this by myself. I know my body and I feel it falling deeper into a state of disrepair every day. I’m like an ancient car that needs to be taken off the road.”
In spite of the gravity of the conversation, they smiled at the analogy and Elizabeth knew there was nothing she could do but resign herself to whatever the near future had in store.
“One more thing, Paul. While the kids are in Hawaii, could I help you unclutter the living room and kitchen? The refrigerator needs to be cleaned, there’s so much old food. And if we could put some of the papers in boxes and throw out a few things, we could have them over for Mother’s Day dinner, at the house, at their home where they grew up.” Paul caved, knowing how important it was to Elizabeth, and nodded his head.
“We can work all weekend and I promise I won’t touch anything. I’ll let you handle the living room, and I’ll take care of the refrigerator if you don’t mind. I can’t believe some of that food is ten years old. I saw that old ice cream cone with my name on it in the back of the freezer the other day. I’m sure it’s nothing but dust by now. Would you please throw that old thing out?”
“No, don’t touch it Elizabeth. I’ll take care of it. Let me do it.”
“Okay, okay. I was only asking. I won’t touch it. Just so you throw that nasty thing in the trash.”
With an appetite Elizabeth hadn’t seen in months, she watched Paul savor his favorite meal, Wonder Bread and all.
“Best dinner ever.”
Chapter 42
“Thank you for the wonderful Mother’s Day, Paul.” Even though it was Elizabeth’s day, she went about making sure the preparations were in order. Salads chilling, a large jar of pink lemonade beckoning on the aged, redwood picnic table, plenty of plates, napkins, and hot dogs. She made a family favorite baked bean recipe at her apartment the day before, but other than that, Paul had kept his promise, and the living area of the little beach house was tidy, dusted, and warm. Absent from the freezer was the ice cream cone, along with the freezer-burned meats and vegetables.
They compromised during clean up, and while Elizabeth wanted all the yellowed papers and unopened mail tossed immediately, Paul convinced her he would sort through it one day if she would be okay with a stack of cardboard boxes in the corner.
“At least they’ll be contained. I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable, Paul. But I want to have a beautiful, memorable, family dinner. And some place to sit.”
In spite of his failing health, Paul managed to summon enough strength to mow the lawn, and without asking, Rex and Michael stopped by to offer their assistance in the garden. They cleared an area large enough for a few outdoor pieces of furniture and filled in enough gopher holes so the children wouldn’t twist an ankle. The difference was measurable, and the mood of the house shifted from dark and foreboding to alive and welcoming. This was Elizabeth’s chance to capture one more, memorable morsel of joy for Paul and the family. She didn’t divulge a word, as she had promised, or speak to Rex or Lily about her suspicions. She only knew she had very little time to create one more unforgettable experience for Paul and their family.
“Wow! Pretty, Mama!” Lily was delighted when she arrived and could tell how hard her parents worked to make this day special. “I can see the floor, and the coffee table . . . and the kitchen counter!” She gave her mother an enthusiastic hug.
“I know it will revert back within a month, but today it had to be just right.” Elizabeth willed herself to not think about her uncertain future. All that mattered was the present.
Lily went overboard when Elizabeth asked her to bring the ice cream, and had picked four flavors. “Here, let me take that from you. There’s room in the freezer, now that your dad threw out all the outdated, inedible food.”
She had three types of ice cream cones, plus waffle bowls, and at least a dozen toppings, from coconut to chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and cherries. “I thought it would be more fun to make a sundae bar, and Noah has been begging me ever since his teacher treated the class the day before spring break. He’s been so excited about putting it together, and let me know that ice cream cones are so boring.”
Elizabeth chuckled, envisioning her little grandson’s eyes roll, expounding on the virtues of more is much better than less, especially when it came to ice cream.
“Delightful. Sounds like you have a real party planner on your hands.” Elizabeth quickly finished loading the dishwasher and gave her daughter another hug. “Happy Mother’s Day, my girl.”
“And Happy Mother’s Day to you, Mama. It feels good to be back home. Let me put this stuff down and we can go outside with the rest of the family. Julia texted me and said they were getting off the freeway. They should be here any minute.”
Michael and Paul were already engrossed in conversation, and Noah was helping himself to a glass of the sugary, pink lemonade, ice cubes already starting to melt in the afternoon sun. Paul made certain the radio was adequately filling the air with music, as he adjusted the sound level with the speakers he had found in the garage. He placed them on either end of the patio, and familiar favorites brought the mood back to twenty years earlier, to summers filled with children, family, and neighbors. The air was a perfect blend of warmth and brilliance. Still spring, it hadn’t yet reached the intensity of summer, when everyone complained about how hot it was. Elizabeth thought about their luck and cast her negative thoughts aside.
“Claire!” Noah raced to greet his cousin as soon as he heard their car turn in the driveway. “You should see what Mommy brought! After dinner, we’re going to have a sundae bar.”
“What’s a sundae bar? Is it because it’s Sunday? Or Mother’s Day?”
“No.” Noah sounded annoyed. “It’s a bunch of stuff you can put on top of your ice cream and make your own sundae. It’s neat. We put everything on the counter and call it a bar. Then we scoop the ice cream in bowls made of waffles and you can put anything on it you want. Like nuts, and gummy bears, fruit, candy bars, and whipped cream.”
“And a cherry on top. Don’t forget the cherry,” Lily reminded him.
“Oh yeah, I forgot. The best part. And a cherry on top.”
“Sounds gross. Can I just have an ice cream cone?” Claire was not impressed.
Noah wanted to go into more detail, but Claire spied her grandfather on the patio and broke away from Noah’s verbal grip.
“Grandpa Santa!” Rushing, as always, to be by his side, the greeting was returned, as Paul bent down to hug his granddaughter, and found himself being enveloped by Noah as well. One grandchild under each arm, he held them close, until they’d had enough.
“Go play. No one’s going anywhere. We have a long, beautiful day to celebrate the mommies.”
“And make ice cream sundaes,” Noah commanded, as he chased Claire into the yard.
Rex and Julia appeared then, carrying a bag of assorted outdoor games for the children. After Rex deposited the package, he went back once more to the car and returned with a bottle of champagne in each hand.
“Would you see if there is room in the refrigerator for these when you go inside? We’ll need them later. ” He winked at Julia as she took the bottles and walked toward the house.
“Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.” Julia made sure to hug Eliz
abeth first, then Lily. Elizabeth returned the sentiment with a genuine embrace, then stood back to rest her eyes on her beautiful daughter and daughter-in-law. She couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of love.
“Three mommies under one roof. Which by the way, begs the question, what are we doing in the kitchen? Aren’t the men supposed to be waiting on us?” Julia laughed as she found space in the over-crowded refrigerator for the champagne.
They glanced at each other, knowing that was never true, that being together was the only gift they required. They joined the men on the patio. Noah and Claire climbed on a variety of available laps throughout the day, chased each other until breathless, blew bubbles over the barbecue to see if they would fill with smoke, and danced around the gopher holes, but only if a Rolling Stones song was playing.
“Ahh,” signed Paul at the sight of his grandchildren hand picking songs from the ’70s. “Third generation of quality-music listeners. Makes me proud.”
As the last plate was removed from the table and everyone was about to retreat inside for ice cream, Rex begged for a few more minutes and summoned the group back together. “Don’t go away. I’ll be right back.” Within moments, he returned with the two bottles of champagne and enough plastic champagne glasses for the adults, as well as the children, which they could fill with the last drops of lemonade, now diluted to a lukewarm, pink confection.
“If everyone would have a seat, I have an announcement to make.” He uncorked the bottles and Julia helped pour. Elizabeth thought Lily must already know whatever Rex was about to say, and Lily thought Elizabeth probably had some inside information. Michael and Paul glanced at each other and shrugged as Rex started to speak.
“Twenty-five years ago, we took our first family vacation to Washington DC, and although I didn’t know it at the time, it was a trip that would change my life. It set me on a path I never felt I planned, but was destined to take.” Rex cleared his throat. “I was a bit of a screwup in high school and barely made it into college.”
Keep Forever Page 22
