‘You’ll be fine now,’ said Greta. ‘Go and enjoy it.’
‘Thank you. Come over soon.’
Mariana sat in the front passenger seat, her package tightly held beneath the seat belt. Cerys looked happy and Jimmy looked utterly miserable. Shona smiled as she looked at them before she sat in the driver’s seat.
‘Be kind to the clutch, Shona,’ said Mariana. ‘And no hard braking.’
They dropped Jimmy off first, Mariana and Cerys gasping as Shona pulled into his drive. Once he was inside Mariana gave her seat to the package, safe behind its seat belt, and took over at the wheel. They pulled up close to Shona’s house and Mariana turned to say goodbye through the open car window.
‘Are we OK, Mariana?’ asked Shona.
‘We’re getting there. I will contact you in a couple of weeks, when everything has calmed down. Fernando and I think you should come to dinner. With Jude.’ She looked at Cerys. ‘You would be very welcome, Cerys, but I will not be offended if you have better things to do.’
Shona leaned through the window and kissed Mariana on the cheek. Mariana nodded, pressed the button to close the window and pulled away.
Shona put her arm around Cerys and led her into the house. Cerys cried properly when she saw how her room had been packed up into boxes.
‘I’ve been using your room so Jude could have his own. You can have it back.’
‘No, it’s fine. I’ll have the downstairs room. Dad’s room. I knew things would be different.’ Her voice sounded thick.
‘We’ll get you a new bed. I’ll go back in with Jude until—’
Cerys sat down on the bed. ‘No, it’s OK. I left and I can’t blame you if you changed things.’
‘Maybe I can get hold of a fold-out bed today. The sofa might be better though. I’ll ask around.’ Shona’s alarm went off on her phone. ‘I need to get Jude. Do you want to come with me?’
‘Does he hate me?’
‘No, he misses you terribly.’
‘I’d like to come.’
‘Good.’ Shona put her hand on Cerys’ shoulder. ‘I’m not going to ask, and it’s not because I don’t care. Just tell me what you want when you want.’
‘I missed you,’ said Cerys.
Shona hugged her and kissed her head. ‘Blonde suits you,’ she said.
Cerys and Jude sat at the table as Shona placed the fish and chips in front of them. She’d asked Cerys to choose whatever she liked, was prepared to try to cook anything, but this was her choice. She could barely swallow anything for the tears and the bruise that was forming on her throat, but she tried. They all tried. Jude was too pleased and Cerys was too tired. But they were fine in their way and sat at the table long after the chips were too cold to pick at. Jude jumped up to fetch a present he’d been talking about and then sat back down again, blushing.
‘What’s the matter?’ asked Shona. ‘It’s in your room.’
‘Does Cerys have any presents?’
Shona winced. ‘No. I’m sorry, Cerys. I didn’t want wrapped presents just sitting there. You’ll have to tell me what you want.’
‘It’s OK. I should have told you where I was.’
‘We knew,’ said Jude. ‘We didn’t see you though. London was too big.’
Cerys looked at Shona, who looked away.
‘Where are you sleeping?’ asked Jude. ‘Are you staying?’
‘I’m not sure where I’m sleeping yet.’
‘Have your room. I’ll sleep on the sofa until we sort things out.’ Shona watched Cerys’ face, waiting for a sign of her displeasure, her regret at coming home, but there was nothing. She just seemed smaller, somehow.
The back door opened, making them all turn. Kallu walked in, wrapped in a blanket like a poncho, his hair frosted stiff at the front.
‘I have a date for leaving,’ he said. ‘I’m so pleased to catch you all before I go.’
Cerys looked away from him, listening to Jude’s questions but forming none of her own. Shona had watched his face and she knew that he had known Cerys was here, back at home. Ten days and he’d be gone. Cerys was back and the balance of her life, this endless round of arrivals and departures meant, of course, that someone else had to leave. But he’d said that he’d be taking someone else with him, someone that she would give him. It couldn’t be Cerys, never Jude. Who would be leaving with him?
She breathed in deeply and tried to stay happy, stay calm.
‘We’ll have to have a proper goodbye, Kallu. Next week. Would that be OK? So we have a chance to do this properly?’
‘That would be nice, Shona, but there’s really no need. I’m not leaving many people behind.’
‘You have to. No loose ends, please, Kallu. I need to know. Are you going alone?’
‘I’m not going alone and the person I’m going with doesn’t know it yet. I don’t even have any tickets.’ He laughed. ‘I do have a passport, so that’s a start.’
Shona was stunned. He couldn’t have organised that, could he? She shook her questions away.
‘Are you hungry?’ she asked.
‘Thank you, no. I have to leave now.’
He turned to Cerys, lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it as he stood up so he was bowing. She blushed scarlet and he said nothing else before leaving.
‘He’s weird,’ said Jude. ‘Will he come back?’
‘Who knows?’ said Shona. ‘Let’s get these beds sorted.’
She carried the fresh sheets upstairs and stripped both beds. Something was niggling at her, something she had forgotten. She stood by the window in Cerys’ room and tried to work out what it was. Her head turned to the wall. Amy. She’d forgotten all about Amy. There had been no noise from the house since Kallu was last there.
She left the sheets and ran down the stairs.
‘Be back in a second!’ she shouted, letting the door slam behind her.
She hesitated at Amy’s door before knocking. She could be dead. She knocked loudly.
‘Amy, it’s just Shona!’
The door opened almost immediately. Amy was dressed in tight jeans and an overly large grey T-shirt. Her hair had been cut short around her jaw line and her skin had cleared.
‘Amy, you look great!’
‘I’ve been away for a few days. I’m feeling good. Well, getting there.’
Shona wanted to ask, were you with Kallu, where did you go, what happened? Instead she said, ‘I’m so pleased.’
Amy smiled. ‘I’m not sure how it happened. Sorry for all the stuff.’
‘It’s fine. I’m just glad you’re so well. Do you want to come round? Cerys is back.’
‘No, I’ll leave it thanks. Just having a good clear out before I put the house up for sale.’
Shona gasped. ‘Are you going to Greenland?’
Amy laughed. ‘No! Sussex. I’m going to stay with my sister for a bit.’
‘Brilliant. That’s brilliant.’
Amy shrugged. ‘Better get on then.’
Shona nodded and returned home. No-one was going with Kallu, then. Everyone was back or heading where they should be.
21
The farewell meal was only supposed to be small, Shona, Cerys, Jude and Kallu. Then her mother invited herself. Shona invited Mariana and Fernando, while dreading the inevitable questions from Jude and Cerys. In the end, Mariana said they couldn’t come. She emailed a photo from a Belgian local paper of a priest and the long-lost icon, reunited at last.
Jimmy was still ignoring all phone calls and messages. He’d come around.
Thea brought Callum and Asha, who never left her side now.
Shona had sold more of Maynard’s pieces of silver and spent a good portion on food for this goodbye. She’d filled up the freezer as well, and the cupboards had a great deal of pasta. She had to make the most of it and spend time preparing for her new job as a junior in Mariana’s office. She knew that the subject of fatherhood would come up again, but she was ready to deal with it now. She’d see how it went, anywa
y.
Cerys and Jude came in first. Cerys, not quite installed back at school, had collected Jude from his. Greta arrived next, followed by Thea, Callum and Asha.
‘Is Kallu still out there?’ asked Shona.
‘Yes.’ Greta put her suitcase inside the doorway to the back room.
‘Mum, what’s the suitcase for?’
Greta looked around evasively. ‘Ah, I do need to have a chat with you, Shona.’
Shona’s heart sank. She didn’t want to think about where to squeeze in her mother, not just after they’d all nearly got used to their new rooms. There was always the shed, now Kallu was officially leaving. She opened her mouth to say something, but then Kallu came in and she busied herself at the table again.
He stood next to Jude and put a hand on Cerys’ shoulder.
‘Amy said she might come, but I don’t think she will. She’s much better though.’
Kallu gently took his hand from Cerys and sat next to her. Jude and Callum were in the back room. Greta sat down opposite Kallu, next to Thea, who had her hand in Asha’s. Shona handed everyone a plate.
‘Help yourselves.’
She left them to it and went to finish off icing Kallu’s cake. She watched the way Cerys didn’t look at Kallu and froze whenever he brushed against her. She was still very much in love with him and Shona’s heart ached for her. Kallu was going and Shona knew he wouldn’t ever be back. At that age love was all about destiny and waiting, because only sacrifice made you worthy.
And her mother, what was wrong with her? She was trying to catch Kallu’s eye to mouth things at him. Jude and Kallu were the only ones eating.
Shona dipped her knife back into the boiling water to smooth down the icing and pushed the cake to one side. She filled the kettle and switched it on.
‘I’ll help,’ said Greta, and got the mugs from the cupboard.
Shona folded her arms and waited for her to finally spill whatever it was that needed to be said. Greta filled mugs with tea bags, and then tapped her fingers as she watched the steam build as it escaped from the kettle. Then she nodded her head, fetched an envelope from her bag and handed it to Shona.
‘What’s this?’
‘It’s the money from all the stuff from the house, except the little we need to get on our way.’
‘We?’ Shona looked at the envelope and back at her mother. ‘Oh my God. You’re going with Kallu? How did you arrange that?’
‘I was leaving anyway. I was packing up before you knew that he was going. We’ve spent a lot of time talking. He didn’t need convincing, like some people.’ She smiled. ‘He’s going to Greenland. I couldn’t have thought of anywhere so perfect. I was only going to go to Scotland,’ she laughed.
‘This can’t work, Mum. You and Kallu? In Greenland?’
‘I haven’t gone mad. He knows what to do. He understands more of it than I do.’
‘Are you sure?’ Shona turned her mother towards her so she could whisper and the children couldn’t hear as well. ‘Are you sure this isn’t to do with all that devil stuff?’
‘It is absolutely to do with it.’ Greta pressed her lips together and exhaled through her nose. ‘Kallu explained it. While I’m alive he’s stuck to me, and while I’m near you it strengthens those bonds to let him make the leap. I’ve long thought that I can lead him away from you and, if I could go a really, really long way, I should. Kallu and I, we can do this.’
‘You don’t even know him.’
‘I do now.’
‘But, seriously?’
‘I can believe what I like and, Shona, if I believe that going to the snow saves you and your children from having to go mad in your turn then I’m going to do that.’ Greta took out the tea bags and added the milk.
‘Does Kallu know what to do?’
‘Of course. I’ve paid for the tickets and got some warm clothes, obviously. He says he’ll cover everything else.’
‘You’re just taking that suitcase? There can’t be much in there.’
‘It’s enough to get there. Most things I’ll buy when we arrive. It’s always best to buy things for a particular climate in the place where people understand it. The snow, Shona. Imagine it.’
Greta’s eyes were shining. Shona turned to the window.
‘Has everything else gone?’
‘There’s still the garage. I didn’t sell that. It didn’t seem to be mine to sell. Here’s the key.’ She passed it across.
Shona looked down at it, a silver Yale key, holder of her mother’s best-kept secret and scene of her only triumph.
‘Sell it, keep it, I don’t mind.’
‘You’re not coming back, are you?’
‘No.’
Greta went back to the table and started to eat. Shona could see the reflection of all of them in the window. Occasionally one would look at her, but there would be no more private talks. Everything else would take place in public, between all of them. Kallu went into the back room and brought in a fifth chair and placed it between Cerys and Greta. She sat in it and put some food on her plate.
Thea and Asha were sharing a chair and a plate and as close to each other as they could get. Shona saw Kallu watching them too.
‘The goddess of the seven stars,’ he said. ‘Look after her. And Mariana is important too. She needs you.’
‘Not that she’d ever admit it.’
‘That’s exactly why it’s down to you.’
Shona dipped a carrot stick into an onion dip and bit off the end.
Kallu leaned over and spoke quietly to Shona. ‘Can I ask you a favour?’
‘Of course.’
‘Upstairs.’
She followed him up to the bathroom. He knelt on the floor and handed her a pair of scissors. She didn’t ask but silently began to cut his hair, which hung just below his shoulders, short to the neck, the scalp, letting it curl into the bath. It was such a ritual that she didn’t dare speak. She was releasing him, voluntarily and willingly. It was the end and the beginning. The final lock fell and she knelt beside him, looking at the pile of hair.
A husk, thought Shona as she shivered. ‘What should I do with it?’
‘Whatever you like. It’s not important.’ He leaned back on his heels. ‘Shona, Meghan says, “Look at me. I’m right here. Watch me shine.”’
Shona closed her eyes. Another message she didn’t understand.
‘Meghan came back for you. He is sitting in your kitchen right now. He adores you. There are many states of being, Shona. Ever since he arrived, you’ve been ready to be whole again. Don’t fight it any more.’
Shona opened her eyes. Jude.
Kallu ran both hands over the roughness of his choppy hair. ‘Bit mad, cutting my insulation off before I head into the dark north.’
‘Will you take care of Mum? She’s not going to last long. She’s barely been out of the house in decades.’
‘She’s been saving herself for this. Her life force is poised. She’s ready and she’ll love it. And of course I’ll take care of her. I promise.’
Shona thought, If it was ever going to happen I would have to kiss him now – but had no urge to. He was a hack-haired boy, a weird child whisking her mother into the wilderness, and she envied them both without desiring either their journey or him.
It was so dark in the kitchen. Only the fairy lights around the rubber tree were on and a couple of candles which hadn’t burned down. Winter needs special lighting, she thought, pricks in the darkness to follow.
Kallu was looking at Jude but talking to them all. ‘We will chase the wolves into the dark forest, like the child wearing a cat mask. Guided by a fairy, the child pulled the sword from the end of the rainbow, where the skull was buried. They flew into the dark to challenge the witch who turned into a wolf.’
There was something happening that Shona couldn’t describe. A feeling of completion. The tents of St Paul’s were still there, another light in the darkness. People would still fight their way through.
&nb
sp; Kallu was hypnotising. She didn’t care about where the truth lay. Her mother had hope for the first time ever. Cerys shuddered and turned away, turning her phone in her hand. Thea and Asha whispered to each other. Jude and Callum listened, as if to any fairy tale, eyes sparkling in the lights. Shona gazed at Kallu and then at Greta. She put her arm around Cerys, who sank back against her, and they all listened to completely different stories made from the same words.
The house she had fought for was only a house now. She knew that she could move too, away from Maynard and Rob and away from death. Meghan was a memory come back to find her, and Jude and Cerys were with her for as long as she deserved them. Mariana and Thea and Amy would be there, in one way or another. Fernando too. Her mother and Kallu wouldn’t be because they had their own futures and deaths to chase. Shona would forge their tales in the way Greta had adapted the tales of her childhood and keep them alive for her children.
Greta
February 2012
The snow is astonishing. Nothing else is as I expected.
Five hours’ flight from Copenhagen and we are nowhere near. It takes more flights, more boats, to get where we are heading. We aren’t there yet. I am tired. I think of my great-grandparents and try to be glad that I’m not pulling all my worldly goods behind me. I have a small backpack, which replaced the suitcase I had packed. Kallu showed up with this bag and selected the few things I would need. He was brutal, but I trust him. He made me put on all my clothes, so I could hardly squeeze into my plane seat. The first plane I’ve taken since I went to Paris with the devil, and my last flight.
Who accompanies me this time? I don’t know. I neither know nor understand this half-boy, half-man with his short choppy hair and eyes which reflect what he sees. When I first looked in his eyes, I could see Larry standing behind me. When I told him, Kallu bought a pair of sunglasses and, for some reason, in them I only see myself. There’s snow here but he says that it is nothing compared to the snow that awaits us, with no gaps to see cars and houses, roads and streetlights. I felt bubbles in my stomach when he said that and realised I haven’t felt excited in over a decade. Not since Shona had Meghan.
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