“At one o’clock.” I replied; maybe I was a bit too short with her, but I felt real concern for Nin by now.
“Did he say where he’d go?” Yuki shifted in her seat now; it seemed that for the first time in days something was getting through her armour.
“No. The way I understood, he would just go outside and check the surroundings.” I replied.
We looked at each other, measuring the other’s reaction.
I debated with myself whether I should voice the deep concern I by now felt. He’d said that he would just check our surroundings. And that couldn’t have taken him so long. It wasn’t like Nin to stay longer than he’d said. It seemed wrong. Had something happened to him?
Maybe some of my thoughts showed in my face, because Yuki looked at me suddenly concerned, focused.
“Do you think…,” her voice trailed off.
Even Alice caught the mood. She suddenly looked scared and reached out for Piglet and Malinda, but could only find Piglet.
“But where is Malinda? Lia, did you see her?”
She got up and ran over to her bed, then back to the common room, searched around the sofas and also in the fitness room. Only to emerge seconds later with tears in her eyes. “I can’t find Malinda, Lia! Where is she?”
I didn’t really felt like bothering about Malinda now, really not. Nin was my real concern here. But I had to say something. So I walked over to Alice, knelt down in front of her, caught her by her shoulders.
“When did you last see her? Do you remember? Could it be that you left her outside yesterday? You know, when we walked over to the farm house?”
“I don’t know! Lia, we have to get her! She will be so afraid!!”
I quickly glanced over to Yuki. She sat on the sofa, biting her lips, looking preoccupied.
Getting up and walking toward the fitness room I said. “I am going to check. Not only for Malinda, but mostly for Nin. You both stay here and be careful. Somebody lock the door behind me, will you.”
Alice followed me and let me out.
But I didn’t get far, in fact I hadn’t walked further than four steps when I heard and saw Nin walking up the tunnel toward me.
His face! He had cried! His eyes were very red! But his face was almost stony! What had happened to him!
I quickly stepped back to the door and knocked the signal on it; Alice opened it almost instantaneously.
Only when Nin stepped into the room did I see that he carried Malinda in his hand.
He didn’t say anything and I hesitated to ask questions.
This Nin I didn’t know and he frightened me a bit.
He looked so – so forlorn! I wanted to reach out to him, comfort him in a way, but the look he gave me made me hesitate.
Yuki had come to the fitness room door, too, by now. She looked alarmed, shocked at what she saw.
But before she could say anything, Alice had seen Malinda.
“You got Malinda, Nin! Oh, thank you so much! I was so worried! Where did you find her?”
She reached for her Malinda.
Nin knelt down in front of her and looked at her very seriously. “She lay on the path to the farm house, Alice. She’s gotten all wet and a bit dirty. But mostly, I think, she got a nasty scare. You have to take better care of her, you know.”
“What happened to you, Nin?” Alice asked innocently. “Did you cry? Because of Malinda?”
He gave a short laugh at that, then looked up at Yuki and me.
“No, not because of Malinda. But yes, I did cry …,” he bent his head as if in defeat. “Because I saw more dead people.”
Yuki gave a gasp.
But I butted in before she could say anything. “Where? Anywhere near? Nin, where you hurt? Did anyone see you?”
Nin slowly got up and stood in front of us, looking so terribly vulnerable it was heart-wrenching. He raised his hands, as if to fend off something.
“No, it wasn’t close. And no, no-one saw me.”
Yuki had eyes for him only now. She watched him very closely, but kept a distance. Maybe she was unsure what to say or do.
“But where were you? And what happened exactly? Come over to the common room and tell us.” I urged him.
Yuki still didn’t say a thing, but her eyes were very intent and totally focused on Nin.
He, on the other hand, didn’t look at her, but kept his gaze on the floor, even as he sat down on the sofa and started talking.
“I didn’t mean to go that far. But I needed to think, or, to air out my head. So, I walked further than I realized; through the forest, northward. I wasn’t too careful about where I walked, but just followed the path. It was stupid of me. But as the shots rang out I finally woke up.”
He lifted his head suddenly and looked at Yuki, a strange expression in his eyes. A mixture of despair and questions. As if he wanted to gauge her reaction, her feelings to what he’d said. She held his gaze, for the first time in days, and suddenly a glimmer of hope shun in his.
“It happened near the railway tracks. No single shots but machine gunning. I hid in the bushes as best as I could. And then I waited; maybe an hour because I wanted to be sure that they had left. And, also, because I debated with myself whether to go and look what had happened or not. In the end I convinced myself that for our all safety I needed to go and check. I carefully made my way through the forest direction where I had heard the shots … They … it …” Nin’s voice broke, he bent his head, covered his eyes and whispered after a while. “It was horrible! At least thirty people! At least! And children!”
He suddenly glanced over at Alice, then back to Yuki. “There was a girl, younger than Alice. Holding a teddy bear! That’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. I knelt there and wept like a baby; I am not ashamed to say. That child there, it could have been Alice…,” his voice trailed off.
Yuki made a gesture and moaned. She had tears in her eyes now, as she reached forward, for Nin.
He’d seen her but before she was there with him he continued, “I didn’t stay there long, maybe fifteen minutes. But afterwards, I didn’t feel like returning here straight away.” He shot a quick glance at Yuki. “I went over to the farm house. And just sat there for a long time, thinking, trying hard to come to terms with what I had seen. I kind of forgot about time. Suddenly I realized how late it was and started back this way. And,” here he faced Alice. “On the way I happened onto Malinda. It gave me a total fright, because for a split second I thought that you had gone outside, too, and that they had gotten you all! I stood there for a second, unable to move while my mind raced. Feeling weak with shock! But then I remembered that you, Alice, had been at the farm house yesterday with Lia. And, I assumed that you must have lost Malinda on the way. But anyway, I raced back to the tunnel and my fear only abated when I saw you there, in the door.”
Finally he faced Yuki directly, a question in his eyes, and a lot of tenderness and helplessness.
“Nin! Oh Nin, I am so sorry!”
She didn’t quite know how to bridge the gap between them, but she had finally awaken from her cocoon. She touched Nin’s arm, a bit hesitant, unsure how to proceed.
“Nin. Are you okay?” She pleaded.
“No, certainly not, Yuki! Not after what I saw today!” Nin answered somewhat curtly.
But he looked at her now. And what he saw in her eyes made him relent. He touched her face lovingly and his face softened.
“Are you back with me again, Yuki?”
“Oh, Nin! Nin!”
She fell into his arms, hugging him close just as he tightened his hold on her. She was crying now.
“Nin! I am so sorry! Forgive me, please! That I left you alone! That I shut you out!”
Alice looked at me, a bit helpless, hugging Malinda close to her.
I judged that it was time to leave and took Alice with me to the kitchen. We cleaned Malinda and wrapped her in a kitchen towel to keep her warm. Alice told Malinda at length how sorry she was for leaving her outside. Had i
t been very frightening to be alone out there over night? Was she okay? Would she please, please forgive Alice her stupid and negligent behaviour?
I let her talk. She needed it.
After a while, she finally asked in a small voice. “Lia, why do they kill these people? These Nemesis whatever? Nin said that there was a child, younger than me. Why did they kill her?”
“I don’t know, Alice, I really don’t know. I wish that I could give you an answer. But I just don’t know why they kill everyone who doesn’t belong to them.”
I paused and wrapped my arms around her.
“I am sorry that I can’t give you any better answer, my darling. What Nin experienced today. Just as we did the other day. All of this certainly shows us that we must be very, very vigilant. Alice, do you understand? From now onwards we will have to be very careful whenever we go outside. I am sorry, Alice, that you have to experience all this. But promise me that you will always be extra careful. Promise me!”
She nodded a bit absentmindedly and asked. “Do you think that the mother of this child was there, too, that she was killed, too?”
What was I to say to this? Why did she ask such questions?
I tried carefully. “I don’t know, Alice. But why do you ask? What is bothering you?”
“I don’t know …,” she answered in a whisper. “I am very, very sad about what Nin said. And I thought about how it would be if I were that child. That I would like to have my Mum with me. What happens when we die, Lia?”
Uh! Such difficult questions!
“When we die? I don’t know how it is. But I guess, I would also wish for someone dear to be there with me then. It’s only normal, isn’t it? Afterwards, when one is dead. I don’t know. But I think that’s just that. One is gone and the body will return to the earth, bit by bit. One day, when you are older, I will explain you what our bodies are built of and that some of these building blocks were once created in stars. It’s a beautiful thing to behold. A comforting thought, too, when one sees such horrors as we did. You know, in a way, we are all children of stars. And that’s where we will return to, eventually. But that’s just what I think and believe. Lots of people would disagree. You’ve heard the stories about heaven and paradise and all. So, Alice, if it helps you, there’s no harm in believing that that child Nin saw is there now, up in heaven, in a wonderful, better place without hurt and sadness. Does that answer your question? A little bit maybe?”
She huddled closer and replied. “It’s okay, Lia. I know that there are sometimes no answers. And I like your story about the stars and that you are honest with me. It helps.”
She hugged Malinda closer and asked. “Will you hold me tonight? Close? I might not be able to sleep. And maybe I will have to cry a little. I miss Mum, you know.”
I had to take a deep breath before I could answer.
“But of course, my sweet little darling. And you know I miss Mum, too, very much so. But I promise you that we will soon see her, Nate, Ben and David and everybody else again. Of that I am certain. I know how you feel. I, too, wish they were here. It helps to know that they are with Uncle Phil, though. With him, they are as safe as it gets in this new, scary world, you know.”
Alice nodded. “How many days until we see them?”
“Again, Alice, I don’t know. I am sorry. If everything works as Nin thinks and we will be able to fly across the Mediterranean and even further, we should make it in a few weeks. Once Josh and his friends arrive, that is.”
“It will almost be as if Mum and Nate were here when Josh comes, Lia.” Alice sounded more cheerful now. “I like Josh, you know. I like him very much.”
“Let’s just hope that he will come soon.” I agreed.
We sat for a while in silence, each lost in her thoughts. Alice wriggled closer and I held her tight, resting my chin on her head, gently, without exerting too much pressure.
“Love you, tiger. Did I already tell you that today?” I said after a while.
She smiled and answered. “Love you, too.”
Then she pensively wrinkled her nose and asked. “Can we light a candle for that girl, Lia? To remember her?”
“But of course! What a lovely idea, tiger. Let’s see where we have the candles and which one to choose.”
With that we got up and went over to the shelf where we kept such spares as candles. After some rummaging we found them, Alice chose a little blue star shaped candle and a small saucer to place it on.
“Will we light it after dinner?” She asked. “Together with Yuki and Nin?”
“Of course, just as you wish.”
“Where are they anyway? Can we go and join them?”
I was a bit hesitant to burst in on them. After all, they had a lot to discuss and might need some more time for themselves. But just as I was going to explain to Alice that we had to wait some more, the door opened and Yuki peeped in.
“What are the two of you doing?” She asked as she came in.
Alice explained what we had been doing and about her wish to light a candle for the killed child. Yuki blinked at this and shot me an inquiring glance. I nodded and she started to smile.
“But what a wonderful thought, Alice! Yes, let’s do just that. I will choose a candle, too. We all can light a candle and remember the dead, shall we?”
Alice agreed and showed her where the candles were. They chose three more candles and arranged them on a plate. Yuki carried the plate and Alice her saucer over to the main room and set them down on the table.
Nin, who sat on the sofa having eyes for Yuki only, looked a bit surprised. But before he could say anything, Alice hopped on the sofa beside him and explained him everything. When she repeated my notion about us being children of stars he shot me a hard glance but refrained from commenting. Instead he embraced Alice, kissed her on her front and said. “Tiger, I love you very much. Be careful, will you. Promise me. Out there, it is dangerous now. And you have to stick to us at all times! Promise!”
“I will. I already promised Lia the same.”
She wriggled away from his embrace, shaking her head, she indignantly inquired. “Honestly, do you two think that I am stupid or what?”
“No, Alice.” Yuki replied in our stead. “We are just all very worried. What Nin witnessed today made us all realize how absolutely hare-brained we have been before, when we went out on foot and with the car. That day over at the radio tower. It could have ended really, really badly!”
She paused, then went on, looking at Nin.” We were really stupid, weren’t we, Nin?”
“I don’t know.” He answered. “Maybe, but we couldn’t know what the Nemesis do. Now we know that they are still out there, that they are actively hunting down people and that we have to be super careful. We certainly had a close shave that day, yes. But, on the other hand, we would have gone crazy had we stayed in here all the time. So, I say, yes, we have to be extra careful. But no, we should not hide in here all the time. It’s like Lia said earlier, I think the day we went down to the airport: we have to get used to this new dangerous world. This world where we can’t trust anybody we meet just so. Where we have to be wary of anybody and be prepared to defend ourselves and if necessary kill our enemies. But, I am ready for this. How about you?”
He’d directed that last question at Yuki and me.
I simply nodded. He was right, after all. We would have to prepare for the worst. We would have to learn to fight, to defend ourselves. The day would come when we would have to fight and maybe kill another human being. Looking over at Alice I felt certain that I would be able to do it, in defence of her. But, please, not any time soon.
Yuki, too, nodded and held Nin’s gaze. “Yes. Nin. I am ready, too. But what a horrible thought. And you are right, we will have to be more careful now.”
She turned around to face me.
“I want to apologize, Lia, to you and Alice, too. I have been horrid these last few days. I know. I was scared. For myself as well as the baby. And I was angry at you all
. For no real reason. Just because I felt so helpless. Because I wanted the world to be as it was! But it won’t! Never again. And, I felt that I didn’t want to live in the world as it is now.”
She angrily wiped away a tear in her eyes. Nin looked at her, a mixture of pain and love in his burning eyes. But before he could move or say anything, she went on, still talking to me, but meaning her words as much for Nin as for me.
“I am not a quitter. I am sorry for the anxiety I caused, Lia, but I am ready now. To face the world outside, to fight if need be. And, most importantly, to be with you again. I love you all.”
The tension was getting a bit too much for me, now. All this talking about the dead, fighting the Nemesis, survival. It was all getting too much. But I couldn’t brush Yuki off, not now that she was back with us again.
So I just reached out to her embracing her tightly, without saying anything. She heaved a big sigh and whispered, “Thank you!”
“Love you.” I whispered back.
Alice smiled and Nin looked a lot happier; still tense and shaken, but a lot more at ease than he’d done for many days.
Breaking free from our embrace, I casually said. “Well, since we are now all back to our usual selves, how about dinner?”
That got me a glare from Nin, a giggle from Yuki and a happy smile from Alice.
“You are such a sweet one, Lia!” Yuki laughed. “Forever playing it light, but I know you. And love you all the more for it.”
“Lia and I cooked for all of us!” Alice meanwhile chirped to Nin. They had gotten up and were walking over to the kitchen to fetch everything.
I quickly glanced over to Yuki and squeezed her arm. “Are you all right? Really all right, I mean?”
“Yes, I am fine, Lia, nothing to worry. And, sorry again for all the worry I caused.”
“Ah, you have nothing to apologize for, really. I am just glad that you are back with us. I missed you.”
She laughed gently and we followed Nin and Alice to the kitchen.
We had dinner more or less in silence, everybody lost in their thoughts.
And when we were done with eating and washing the dishes, we assembled around the table by the sofa and let Alice lit the candles.
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