April missed William more than she ever thought possible. Had she known living without him at all would be this difficult, she would have chosen to continue to share him with his wife. She had picked up her phone to dial him on his cell or at his office on several occasions, but she always changed her mind before she entered the final digit of his phone number. She loved him. She missed him. She wanted him, even now, but she would not grovel or beg for him to come back to her. Her only option was to endure the horrific pain and learn to live without him—but live with the cancer she knew would be her fate.
Dr. Palmer entered while April had her eyes closed.
“Hello, April. It looks like you fell asleep. I’m sorry I took so long,” she said apologetically.
“I wasn’t sleeping, Dr. Palmer, just . . . thinking, trying to prepare myself for what it is we have to discuss regarding my test results.” April almost said she was praying, which would have only been a half truth. She was indeed at least thinking about God and how, she rationalized, He was not happy with her.
Dr. Valencia Palmer had been April’s primary care physician since she moved to Phoenix. All of April’s professional contacts for personal care were female. Her dentist was a woman. Her gynecologist was a woman. Her hair stylist was a woman. She only allowed women to do her manicure and pedicure. If she ever found herself in need of an attorney, she would be seeking a woman. April did not trust men. William was one of the first men she allowed to get close to her. After the way things turned out between them, she was more certain than ever that she was correct in her mistrust of them.
“Well, I can imagine sitting in a doctor’s office not knowing what he or she might say can be a little unnerving. And, April, I am not going to lie to you. What I’ve found is not so pretty.”
April almost lost the contents of her nearly empty stomach. She had not eaten much since her breakup with William, but something threatened to come up and out of her mouth. She visibly fought hard to extinguish the feeling. She wanted to hear how bad Dr. Palmer’s report was in its entirety before she wasted any time throwing up.
Dr. Palmer immediately noticed April’s distress, but recognized it as normal under the circumstances. Since it was not extreme, she decided to press on with her report.
“April, your tests show that you have the human papillomavirus, which is a virus that can cause cervical cancer.”
April gasped loudly as she felt her worst fears had been confirmed. She was going to die a painful and horrific death, a death that would be her punishment for sleeping with so many men, married and single.
“I knew it. I just knew it. I am going to die, and I brought it all on myself.” April sobbed as she sat clutching her stomach in the chair.
This time Dr. Palmer did emerge from the chair behind her desk. She sat in the chair next to April and reached for one of her hands.
“April, this virus does not have to be a death sentence.” Dr. Palmer pulled on April’s arm a bit aggressively in hopes of pulling her out of her state of despair so that she could talk to her more effectively.
“April, look at me.” Dr. Palmer put her free hand under April’s chin to lift her face. “I said this does not have to be a death sentence. This is a very treatable disease.”
April became embarrassed as she looked at Dr. Palmer in the face. She had never been one to show weakness in the presence of others. She was a private person, a person who always strived to be the epitome of control and class, even in the face of difficult circumstances. She pulled herself together. She pulled her arm from Dr. Palmer’s grasp and began quickly wiping the tears from her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Palmer. You words just caught me off guard. I apologize for making a spectacle of myself.”
Dr. Palmer handed April several tissues from her desk. She remained seated next to April versus returning to the chair behind her desk.
“April, there is no need to apologize or be embarrassed. I told you it was not going to be pretty, but as I said, this is a very treatable disease. Human papillomavirus, or HPV as it is commonly referred to, is a sexually transmitted disease. It is very common, and it has virtually no symptoms or side effects. Most times it usually clears itself up without a person even knowing they have been infected; however, there are more extreme cases where various cancers can occur. Unfortunately for you, April, your case is one of those.”
Again April felt the effects of karma kicking in like a big dog, but she managed to hold herself together as she continued to listen to Dr. Palmer give her the facts.
“There are a couple more tests we need to run in order to determine the complete diagnosis and treatment. The first thing we need to do is called a colposcopy to confirm the presence of the abnormal cells. The next thing we do is called cryosurgery. This procedure allows us to freeze and hopefully destroy the cells. Neither of these procedures is painful. In fact, they are done right in the office, and you are free to go home the same day,” Dr. Palmer said calmly.
“Will this cure the cancer?” April asked curiously and hopefully.
“Well, we have to first determine that there is cancer to cure. The first two procedures I mentioned will help determine that. All we know for sure is that you are infected with HPV. The fact that you are not experiencing any abnormal symptoms is a very good sign.”
April visibly relaxed. The breath she released could have fanned Saudi Arabia. She still wanted to know as much as possible, just in case cancer was found.
“Dr. Palmer, if cancer is found, how curable is it? How can it be treated?”
“April, cervical cancer is a pretty curable cancer, but as with any other cancer, it all depends on how far advanced the cancer is. If cancer is found, it could be treated with radiation and/or a partial hysterectomy to remove the uterus, which is connected to the cervix. Chemotherapy may be necessary in more extreme cases.”
“And you say my case is more than likely not that extreme since I have no symptoms, right?”
“That is what I said, yes.” Dr. Palmer smiled at April optimistically.
April however found it hard to receive the doctor’s enthusiasm, because she remembered something else Dr. Palmer said.
“You also said this is a sexually transmitted disease, right?” April’s nervousness began to show again as she asked that question.
“Yes. Yes, April, it is. Because we cannot specifically determine how long you have been infected, I recommend that you inform any sexual partners you have had in at least the past two years so they can be examined.”
April knew exactly who she had been sexually active with in the past two years: Jordan Mitchell and William Rucker. She started seeing William after breaking up with Jordan because he wanted to take their relationship to the next level and consider marriage. She was not interested. April considered asking the doctor to repeat the part about the disease curing itself, but she did not want to arouse Dr. Palmer’s suspicion to her possibly not contacting either of the men in her history.
Then a terrifying thought struck her. What if William did have it and had passed it to his wife? April wanted to find out from Dr. Palmer what she needed to do next and get out of the office before she became unglued again.
“Dr. Palmer, what do I need to do now?” April asked anxiously.
“I need you to stop at the receptionist’s desk and schedule the appointment for the colposcopy. Then we will go from there. We will take this one step at a time. The appointment should be scheduled as soon as possible.”
April stood from her chair and made ready to leave. “I will do that, Dr. Palmer. Is there anything else I need to know right now?”
“I think we have covered everything for now. Please don’t hesitate to call me or my nurse if you have any other questions or concerns. Otherwise, I will see you when you come in for the next procedure.”
April shook Dr. Palmer’s hand and left the office. She went to the receptionist’s desk as instructed and made her next appointment for ten days later. She then went to he
r car.
April would normally listen to her radio or a CD when she drove, but this time she decided she needed complete silence as she thought about all she learned today from Dr. Palmer. She was grateful that she was not given an immediate death sentence. In fact, she felt very optimistic about her prognosis, but there was still the thought of having to inform William about her diagnosis, and he in turn having to tell his wife.
April had not spoken to William since they stopped seeing each other a week ago, so she had no idea whether Aujanae knew anything about their affair. She just assumed William left her apartment on that early afternoon and returned to the life he had before he met her.
Before hearing of today’s news from her doctor, April’s only desire for Aujanae finding out about her and William had been so that William would leave his wife and be hers and hers alone. She was not spiteful or vindictive enough for his wife to find out just for the sake of knowing and hurting her.
Now she was faced with the daunting task of having to not only face William again, but face him to tell him she may have given him an STD that he probably passed on to his wife. April seriously considered just letting this thing ride itself out in hopes that William and Aujanae were in the high percentage of people who never even knew they had the disease because it usually cured itself; but the more she thought of doing that, the closer the bile in her stomach came to rising up and spilling over. She knew, even in her usually selfish and uncaring mindset, that she would feel terrible if she somehow learned in the future that William’s wife died from cervical cancer.
April knew she had to tell William the truth. Her only question now was if she should tell him now, like in the next day or two, or if she should wait until after she got the results from the colposcopy in ten days, when she would have more information to share.
Chapter Fourteen
William sat at his desk staring out of his office window, totally unable to concentrate on anything. This was day seven of his separation from both Aujanae and April. He was miserable, lonely, and confused. His confusion came because he realized he missed each woman equally. The only advantages Aujanae had over April were that she was his legal wife and the mother of his son, whom he also missed.
While he cared deeply for April, he knew the right thing for him to do would be to work to make things right between him and his wife to reconcile himself to his family. He had called Aujanae several times since he was kicked out of his home to make his new temporary dwelling at the Residence Inn. For the first four days, she would not answer either her cell or the house phone, but on day five she finally picked up the phone at the house.
“What do you want, William?” she answered and asked indignantly.
“You know what I want. I want my family back, Aujanae,” William said solidly.
He did not whine or even beg. He understood his mistake, but he had to be strong in order to make his wife understand that he was sorry and wanted another chance to make things right between them.
“William, you had your family, completely intact and devoted to you, but it wasn’t enough for you. You had to go out and get someone, something you thought was better than what you had at home. You had to go and get some hoochie tramp to satisfy something that you never bothered to communicate to me, your wife, was missing. So what has changed so much in the last five days? Why now are we suddenly all that you ever wanted?” Aujanae yelled.
William knew his first conversation with Aujanae would be difficult, but he was not prepared for the hardcore attitude of this new woman on the other end of the telephone. He did not even have an answer for her very basic question of why. Surprised and even a little stung by Aujanae’s tone and demeanor, William responded defensively.
“Look, Aujanae, I know you still love me, and I would not be calling you, practically begging you to allow me to come home, if I did not love you. I could hang up this phone, call April right now and tell her that you and I have split up, and be back with her in fifteen minutes. But I’m not doing that, am I? No! In fact, I have not made one phone call to April; however, I have been calling you all week only to be ignored. I am on this phone with you, trying to get you to listen to reason and put our marriage back together.”
“Guess what, William? I don’t need you to do me any favors. I will be just fine without you. I don’t want to be tied to anyone who doesn’t think I am enough for him, so you can just stop beating yourself up about not calling April and give her a call. Then you can find yourself an additional whore, since one woman no longer seems to satisfy you.”
William realized Aujanae may have meant every word of what she was saying. He knew it was still early in their separation, but she truly sounded like a woman who had grown stronger in the mere five days they had been apart. His defensive posture quickly changed to one of respect and perhaps even fear about how she may try to stick it to him in a separation or divorce proceeding. He rapidly quieted his stance as he continued to speak.
“Aujanae, what about our son? Where does he fit into all of this?”
Aujanae recognized the swift change in her husband. That attitude adjustment and the mention of their child also caused her to let go of some of her own hostility.
“William, Billy Jr. will always be your son. I would never do anything to intentionally ruin that relationship between the two of you,” she said softly.
But then, with a little more flavor, she added, “I hope Ms. April has good maternal instincts. I would not want my child around a woman who does not want him around and only tolerates him because of you. So you be sure to be careful where my son is concerned, William Rucker.”
Now William was completely afraid. From all the horror stories he had heard from his friends and coworkers, the one piece of bait a woman will hold onto as leverage is the children.
“When a woman plays games with you with regards to the kids, it’s usually because she wants you back, but she wants to make you suffer for the way you have hurt her. She knows that getting another man might bother you, but only if you still want her. But if you are a good father, she knows she is guaranteed to hit you below the belt if she plays silly games with the kids.” This was a paraphrased version of some of the things he had heard from his male associates and colleagues with regards to various levels of breakups with women.
Here, pretty much out of the starting gate, Aujanae had conceded that she would not attempt to keep B.J. away from him. She did not even bother to threaten him not to take B.J. around the other woman. She really did not care if he did. Her only concern was for her child. This had to mean she was truly done with him. William knew it was silly for him to rely on generalized information for his specific state of affairs, but he was a man in a desperate situation, not clearly thinking with his rational mind intact.
William sat silently holding the cell phone, totally confused. He almost wished Aujanae had continued to ignore him. That way he would still be clueless as to how she really felt. After speaking with her, he began to wish he could still hold on to the “no news is good news” theory. She seemed to have totally given up calling him Billy, the name no one aside from her ever called him.
“William, are you still there?” he remembered her asking.
“Uh, yeah. I’m here. Okay, Aujanae, thanks for not playing games with my son. Um, I’ll call you a little later to arrange some kind of schedule for him.” He then disconnected the call and tried to collect his thoughts and make some sort of sense out of the mess he had made.
That was two days ago. He was still no closer to making heads or tails of anything. All he knew for certain was that he had made a huge mistake in taking for granted Aujanae’s goodness and hurting her the way that he had. He also knew that the conviction of the Holy Spirit was heavy upon his heart for his mistake. He prayed every night for forgiveness, knowing that God heard him each time, but each morning the guilt would return, weighing on him like a medicine ball.
William intentionally skipped church that Sunday. He just did not hav
e the heart or the energy to go. He was pretty certain April would not be there, since her only reason for attending had been to be near him. He was not so sure if Aujanae went. If he had to say, he would assume that she did not, simply to avoid running into him.
The finality of the conversation William had had with Aujanae the other day gave him an excuse to think more and more about calling April. If he were entirely honest with himself, he would admit that she had never been far from his thoughts. Before his talk with his wife, he just worked harder at focusing on pushing those thoughts to the back of his mind. For the past couple of days, contacting April had been a constant, bombarding consideration.
William picked up the phone to call Aujanae to arrange to pick up B.J. after work tomorrow. He dialed the number, and after several rings, the voice mail picked up. When the beep sounded, he left a message.
“Hi, sweetie. I miss you, but that’s not the real reason for my call. I actually wanted to arrange to pick up B.J. tomorrow after work. I should be at the house about five thirty. I’ll bring him back about eight thirty. If this is a problem, please call me on my cell phone and let me know. Otherwise I will see you tomorrow. I love you, Aujanae.”
William ended the call and began dialing again. This time the call’s recipient answered.
“Well, well, well. I am really surprised to hear from you. The funny thing is I was just thinking about contacting you,” April said seductively.
William initially could not pull himself together enough to speak. He had not heard April’s voice in seven days. Because he had refrained from contacting her altogether, he had not even heard her speak on her voice mail. The impact her intonation had on his heart and his libido was startling. After several seconds of basking in the euphoria of it all, he finally found the ability to speak.
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