by John Braine
"No. I'll be honest with you. I can't bear it. Neither could you if you were me."
"Why should it be worse for you than for me?"
I felt angry. She was lucky, she'd always been lucky, she'd never known the reality of the cold bedroom and the stuffy living room with the blaring radio, she'd never had to worry about exams or a job or the price of new clothes, even her way of speaking with its touchingly childish affectations was a luxury no one of the working classes could afford. I wanted to blurt all this out; but she wouldn't have understood and, in any case, I must transform myself into a different person for her. She had, I felt instinctively, a conception of Joe Lampton which I'd never to depart from in the smallest detail. Self-pity and class-consciousness weren't included in that conception. Alice, would accept these things, though she'd play the devil with me for my stupidity. Alice was old enough to understand that men aren't all of a piece, old enough to take me as I was and not as she'd like me to be. I was taking Susan not as Susan, but as a Grade A lovely, as the daughter of a factory owner, as the means of obtaining the key to the Aladdin's cave of my ambitions; and she was taking me as the perfect lover and delightful companion, passionate and tender and exciting and infinitely wise; Susan might of course be prepared to take me with all my faults because she loved me so wholeheartedly -- indeed, to behave badly might be a sure way of holding her. But I couldn't afford to take any risks.
"I'm horribly shy," I said. "I know it sounds funny, but I can never believe that any woman could possibly like me well enough to let me kiss her." I took her hand. "Darling, I know it sounds funny, but there it is. And perhaps -- well, perhaps I'm a little conceited too. Masculine bumptiousness -- in an odd way I think not only that I'm most unattractive but that I'm wonderful too. Too wonderful to be rebuffed." I moved away a little from her and lit a cigarette. "Oh God, I'm sick of myself. I'm afraid you've mixed yourself up with a very queer type."
As the words came from my lips I felt that they had nothing to do with me. And they hadn't: a part of me felt a great tenderness for her -- she was as trustful as a baby -- but the most important part of me was continuing the operation according to plan.
She kissed my hand. "They're beautiful. Square and strong."
"They're wicked hands. When they're with Susan they always want to go where they've no business to be."
"Oh, wicked Joe. Wicked hands. So warm too, warm as hot muffins. Oh, you are wonderful, you're the wonderfullest man in the whole world. Do you know, you're not queer a little bit? Most men are like that."
"Not like me."
"Silly billy, of course like you. Now you make me feel awfully old."
Her hands were icy. "We'd better go," I said. "You're cold."
" Not cold," she said. "Never cold with Joekins."
"Dearest Susan," I said. "I'll always keep you warm. But it isn't summer yet, you know."
"I'm not cold, so there."
"Don't argue. Or I'll beat you black and blue."
"I'd like that."
I helped her up to her feet. She put her cheek against mine, standing on her toes. "Joe, do you really love me?"
"You know I do."
"How much?"
"A hundred thousand pounds' worth," I said. "A hundred thousand pounds' worth."
17
Hoylake showed all his dentures in a dazzling smile. "Sit down, won't you, Joe? Cigarette?"
The slight unease which had accompanied me into his office evaporated; obviously he hadn't found out about me and Alice. I had been a little scared of that; local government officials are by no means free to behave as they like in their spare time. There's always the shadow of the Town Hall looming over one; I've known of married officials who've been told either to stop committing adultery or give in their notice. However, I didn't seriously consider the possibility of anything unpleasant happening that morning; I was in far too happy a mood, good fortune seemed to be following me like a huge affectionate dog. I'd been going out with Susan about a month now, and the memory of what had happened last night when baby-sitting at the Storrs' still left a haze of pleasure over my common sense -- a world that could hold such pleasure, I reasoned, couldn't possibly be unkind to me in the slightest way.
"It's a miserable day," I said.
Hoylake stopped doodling on his blotter and looked through the window. The sound of the rain filled the room, a sort of rhythmic silence. "The valley's a raintrap," he said. He shuffled the papers on his desk in an undecided yet intent kind of way, as if there were some way of arranging them which would say all he had to say for him. "You've picked up the work here very quickly," he said.
"Thank you, sir."
"Six months now, isn't it?"
"That's right," I said, wondering what the devil he was trying to say.
June came in with a cup of tea. "Ah," he said, "welcome refreshment. Bring Mr. Lampton one, will you, dear?" He sipped his tea as if it tasted bitter. June came in with my own cup, a blue and white Worcester. "That's a very pretty cup," he said. "Does June especially like you?"
"It belongs to me."
"Ah. Quite the sybarite, aren't you?" He put out his cigarette and lit another. "Well," he said, clearing his throat, "I'll give you a little autobiography, Joe. I was born here in Warley. I've lived here all my life. So have all my family. I married a local girl, and I must say that I've never regretted it. I know Warley like the palm of my hand. In fact, much better, because I don't know the palm of my hand. And I know all the councillors. Especially Councillor Brown. We went to school together."
He paused. The haze in my mind cleared suddenly, and my heart started to pound uncomfortably.
"You've done remarkably well here, Joe. And I'm most gratified to see that you're acquiring the qualifications to do even better. There's plenty of room for promotion here, you know. People rarely stay for long in Warley. They move on to bigger places. They receive more salary, but it costs them far more to live; they generally are presented with the alternative of living either in a scruffy back street or an expensive suburb. It's much more agreeable here -- you can live next door to your work and still be, as it were, in the country. You like it here, don't you?"
"Very much."
"Ah. You're a sensible young man." He cleared his throat again. "It's highly likely that you may resent what I'm going to say now. In a sense you're entitled to."
Now it comes, I thought. I kept my face still and expressionless.
"What you do in your spare time is your own business, Joe. Within limits, of course, and I needn't tell you what those limits are."
"Have there been any complaints?"
He lifted up his hand as if warding off attack. "I don't mean that at all, Joe. For heaven's sake don't misunderstand me. Whatever the limits of -- of decorum -- are, you haven't, I do assure you, transgressed them."
"What's wrong, then?" I looked at him angrily, but his eyes refused to meet mine; the two holes in his skull behind his spectacles were directed at me but I had the impression that his real eyes were somewhere else, scampering round the dark cramped office like mice.
"I'm going to tell you what is wrong. Not that there is, properly speaking anything wrong. Let me put it this way: I'm giving you some advice about living in Warley. I'm speaking as man to man. For your benefit. And because I'm your superior" -- he treated me to one of his apologetic twinkles -- "you have to listen to the old bore. Well. To continue, you have, I'm sure, some notion of the workings of local government. The most important cog in the machine is, theoretically, the councillor. In practice, however, it is the senior official who runs the show. The councillor can be removed from his post; the official, unless he is dishonest, unbelievably dissolute, or incompetent to the point of idiocy, is abolutely secure. No one can touch him if he does his work properly. If he does his work as well as you do, Joe, no one will attempt to touch him. For their own sakes, not just for his."
The phone rang. "Excuse me, Joe. Hoylake speaking. Yes. Yes. Of course. In about fifteen mi
nutes. I'm engaged now. I'll ring you back. Goodbye." He turned back to me. "As I was saying, for their own sakes. The official is quite safe. But that is all. Promotion is another thing. Promotion, whatever the head of a department may recommend, is dependent upon the majority vote of the Establishments Committee. Then the full council. And, you know, councillors are like sheep. If one powerful personality declares himself unalterably opposed to an official's promotion, the majority will follow him. They'd follow him to curry favour, or because they're indebted to him in some way, or simply because they feel that, since the wise Councillor So-and-So is against the man, there must be something wrong with him. And, of course, there's always the last resort of offering some solid inducement to anyone likely to upset the plans of our hypothetical councillor . . ."
"You mean that Councillor Brown -- "
He cut in quickly. "I mean nothing of the sort. I'm not discussing Councillor Brown. I said that we went to school together and that I had more than a casual acquaintanceship with him. The only connection you have with Councillor Brown is that you meet him at your interview and that you've met him here once or twice."
"I remember him. A cheerful type. Overplays the part of the blunt Yorkshire businessman, rather."
Hoylake tittered. "Between ourselves, he does. But he's no fool. He rose from nothing, absolutely nothing. I have talked about you with him on several occasions. I said that you were a very promising young man. Highly intelligent. Intelligent enough to seize the point straightaway without any wearisome emotionalism." He offered me another cigarette. I noticed that his case was silver.
"I wouldn't know my exact intelligence rating, Mr. Hoylake," I said. "But I understand you very clearly." I forced a smile.
"Splendid, splendid. We'll say, then, that I'm talking in general terms. Imagine me, if you like, as a lecturer at a summer school . . . Councillor Brown, since you mention his name, is a very wealthy man. He has a great deal of influence. He is also a self-willed man. He is, as you know, the chairman of the Establishments Committee. He's an engineer; he likes everything about him to run with the smoothness of first-class machinery. He has his whole life, and the life of all his family, arranged in detail for the next twenty years. If anyone got in his way he'd be utterly ruthless . . ."
It was very dark in the room; Hoylake switched on his table lamp. The little yellow puddle of light made his mahogany desk look larger, big enough for an operation table. His skin looked dry as paper, and there were Commissar-harsh lines ruled from his nostrils to the corners of his mouth. I felt small and frightened, then suddenly, refreshingly, angry.
"Perhaps I'd better apply for a job elsewhere," I said.
"Good God, my dear chap, whatever gave you that idea?" He wagged his finger playfully at me. "I'm afraid that you haven't been giving me your undivided attention. Surely I've been at great pains to emphasise -- in the strongest possible terms -- the excellence of your work, though, as I've also emphasised, the question of promotion doesn't arise at present. If your immediate senior, Mr. Harrod, were to obtain another post, that would be a different matter . . . That's our little secret, though, we'll just see what happens . . ."
I was remembering the supercilious look on Mrs. Brown's face, the big house on Poplar Avenue blazing with light and music, Jack Wales's shiny red M.G., his genuine public school accent -- I was on the outside again, my grubby little face pressed against the window, I'd lost the wherewithal to buy what I hankered for and the shopkeeper was chasing me away.
"You haven't a girl in Warley, have you, Joe? You're not, as we say in these parts, courting ?"
"There's plenty of time," I said.
"Um. You're attractive to women. It's sometimes a curse. It can lead you into awkward situations. Of course, you should really be thinking of marriage by now. Nothing like an early marriage. Gives a man a sense of responsibility, something concrete to work for."
"That's very true," I said, fighting to keep the anger out of my voice. "It also makes a man easier to handle."
"You sound a little bitter," he said reprovingly. "By the way, you're going to the Civic Ball, aren't you?"
"I hope so," I said. "Providing that I can hire an evening suit."
"There are some very pretty girls going to the Civic Ball." He achieved a genteel leer. "I'll introduce you to some."
"I was thinking of taking someone."
"The Spring Term ends on the fifteenth," he said. "The ball takes place on the twenty-fifth."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Come, come." He was smiling, but not with his eyes. "I'm sure that you do, Joe. I want you to save yourself a guinea. You don't take a bottle of beer into a pub with you, do you?" He looked at his empty cup. "I think I'll have some more tea."
I rose. "I'll ask June to bring you some."
"I'll phone for two more cups," he said. "Don't go yet, Joe. I haven't quite finished."
I needed the second cup; my mouth was bone-dry and my tongue seemed too big for it.
"Like Chekhov, isn't it?" he said surprisingly. "We sit here drinking tea and talking about life . . . Without an audience, unfortunately. You do see my point, don't you?"
I laughed. It sounded hoarse and strained, and I abandoned it halfway. "I do indeed. I've enjoyed our little private talk, Mr. Hoylake. And I'll remember what you said: there are some pretty girls going to the Civic Ball."
"That's right," he said approvingly, "that's right. I don't often say it, Joe, but you've a great future ahead of you."
"You've been a long time with Der Fuehrer," Teddy Soames said when I returned. "Hasn't been tearing you off a strip, has he?"
"Positively not," I said. "There was an atmosphere of great cordiality." I yawned; I felt so tired that I could have gone to sleep on the floor.
"Come off it," he said. 'He didn't have you in there for twenty-five minutes just to be cordial. Sometimes I don't trust you, Joseph. What were you talking about?"
"Sex," I said.
18
Going home that evening I called at the chemist's for some razor blades. The owner of the shop, a tall thin man with an angry sergeant major's face, was talking politics with a customer, a fat woolman type. The chemist knew that I worked at the Town Hall, and greeted me by name. (He greeted most of his customers by name, which was one of the reasons for his prosperity.)
"'Evening, Mr. Lampton, and how are the town's finances?"
"We're solvent," I said.
"A damned sight more than can said for the country," said the woolman heavily.
"By God, but you never spoke a truer word, Tom." The chemist's face was nearly purple with anger. "Every damned thing rationed, not one promise kept. You might think that they were deliberately trying to ruin the businessman. Where's our freedom? Winnie was right, we're under a Gestapo."
The chemist's assistant finished wrapping a large parcel for the woolman. "That's right, Mr. Robbins," he said. "And look at the income tax . . ." He was a big man, as tall as me, on the verge of forty. I remembered him telling me once that he'd been at Robbins's for twenty years. He was obviously the unqualified general mug who did all the rough work and worked the most awkward hours. His pale face was set in a fixed smile; the habit of submissiveness had rounded what had once been a fine pair of shoulders. "You're right, Mr. Robbins," he repeated. "Dead right." His smile widened, and he nodded his head to underline the point. The other two took no notice of him at all, though they were standing cheek-to-jowl.
I left the shop feeling a bit sick. How on earth did the assistant stand it? He'd sold himself, and what price had he got? Perhaps seven pounds a week, and not even any assurance of security; he was dependent for his daily bread on one man, and that man was ignorant, ill-mannered, and mean. Then I remembered my interview with Hoylake, and wondered how much difference there was between me and the assistant. True, I had more money, better working conditions, and security; but essentially our positions were the same. My master was better-mannered than Robbins, and had less power over m
e; but he was still my master. My price was a shade higher, that was all.
It was still raining; I caught the bus at the station. It smelled of wet clothes and stale tobacco, and there wasn't a seat vacant. I went to the front of the bus, and while I was thinking about all this, didn't notice the awkwardness of my position until we were nearly at Eagle Road. By the time I'd squeezed my way out of the bus I was breathless and ruffled. I walked up Eagle Road, turning my collar up and holding my hat against the wind and the rain, and saw Bob Storr's Austin disappear along St. Clair Road.
After tea I rang him up. "Want a baby-sitter again tomorrow, Bob?"
"I'm not sure . . . Wait a moment, Joe." His voice was noncommittal.
"You said you did last week."
"Yes, of course. I'll have a word with Eva."
