by Jenny Wood
It was because I had the chat window up that night, which I’d seen the incoming text from Finn.
Finn: Please answer me. Just let me know you’re okay.
That surprised me; I honestly didn’t think he’d care. Exhausted beyond any realm of sanity, I decided to text him back.
Me: My Dad’s organs are shutting down. They suspect he’s only got a couple of days left. I’ll need to be here for a while, but, I’d like to explain if I could when I get some time. I’m sorry how things happened. Sorrier than I can tell you. I hope I didn’t mess anything up between you and your friends.
That’s all I could muster up. I wanted to explain then; I wanted to tell him everything and beg him to come to me. I needed him right now, so much. I hated myself for messing things up.
Nurses were in and out, and even though it was against protocol since this wasn’t a regular hospital, Sharon had brought me a fold out a chair like the ones in labor and delivery for the dads to sleep on. I figured since dad was sleeping so much, I could nap when he did and then enjoy the time we had together when he was awake. I wasn’t leaving this place until he did; no matter long or short that time might be. Sliding my hand in his from my cot beside his bed; my eyes closed and I let myself sleep.
Finn
After Jay was outed as being someone who tried to kill Conner, and Jay running out; the room erupted in chaos. Kayson was livid and beyond listening to reason and I just wanted to know what the fuck everyone was talking about. Apparently, some years ago, Jay had gone into Conner’s store and tried to walk out with a tablet, for getting on the internet. He got caught, and Conner tried to confront him, but Jay became hostile, hit Conner and ran away. He was apprehended by King and Jody, and the sheriff was called and everything.
Now, I knew about Jay’s dad. I’d heard stories and knew what Jay was going through right now, so I felt horrible that my friends were so upset, but I was also worried about Jay. I was worried sick, to be honest. After Conner had helped get Kayson calmed down, everyone sat down, and they began to explain. After the scene with Jay, his father thought that Conner had somehow “turned” Jay gay, and in his drunken, delusional brain, he took it out on Conner. What he did to him was unimaginable, and I do not for a second, blame either man for being enraged by it. I’d want to kill someone for wanting to hurt Jay.
In saying all that; I tried to explain to them that it was Jay’s father who they should be mad at, not Jay. I understood where holding a grudge against Jay for hitting Conner and all that, but as far as I knew, he was a scared fucking kid who was living with a live version of the devil.
I explained to the guys about why Jay had come back here and even though it wasn’t my place; I told them about how he was struggling with forgiving his dad and everything he was going through. I didn’t fault him a bit for what he did as a scared kid, and I knew the kind of person he was, now. I told them all about the nights he’d stayed with me and how I.'d gotten to know him over the last couple weeks. I told them how good he was with Lennon and how much she adored him right back. I told them of the night we met and how he’d gone above and beyond his job to comfort my little girl and her worried dad and I told reminded them that he wasn’t the one to be mad at.
I’d tried and tried to text him throughout the night, but it wasn’t until almost seven in the morning that he’d finally text me back. What he knew was going to happen with his father eventually, was unfortunately happening. I couldn’t imagine him going through that alone, and I hated that he was. I knew the institution where he was housed at and first thing this morning, I called to ask what I’d need to gain access to visitation. The woman was very nice, and she seemed to know who Jay was. She put me on the list and told me to bring a picture ID and one other form of identification, and I would be free to visit along with Jay.
Morgan and Kingsley encouraged me to go be with him; both of them knew what he meant to me. It was no secret to any of them, now. Even Kayson, after the initial shock wore off at seeing someone that represented such a terrible time in their lives together, knew that he was blaming the wrong person. They all volunteered to watch Lenny, and I wasted no time this morning following their advice.
“Hi there, I’m here to see Jerold Perry,” I told the woman at the front desk. She gave me a sad smile, and I knew that she knew exactly who he was.
“Jerry is such a nice man. He’s up in room 1204. Take the elevator to the first floor, and he’s right up front. The nurse up front will need to see this pass, so stop there first, ya hear?” She asks. I agree, and she sends me on my way. The nurse at the front desk stamps my pass, and she points out the door with a sad smile. When I walk in, my heart sank to my feet. Curled up in a chair, with his hand extended to his father’s bed, holding his hand; was my Jay.
“Can I help you?” The sick, skinny man asked from his bed. I tiptoed in, quietly and rounded to the other side of his bed.
“You don’t know me, Sir, I’m a friend of Jay’s,” I tell him honestly, never breaking eye contact. He looks down at his son and runs his thumb across the back of his hand. I wondered how long they’d been sitting like that.
“You’re the guy he was seeing? Finn?” He asks me, a knowing look in his yellow tinted eyes. He looked as sick as I suspected he was and my heart hurt for him and Jay.
“I am.”
“He’s had a pretty rough night, I understand. I heard him talking about you and your buddies. You should know that that was my fault. I hope you don’t hold him accountable for my mistakes.” He mildly scolds me, like he expects me to do just that. “He’s had a rough life, thanks to me. The things I put him through are unforgivable. It speaks of the person he is to see him sitting at my bedside in my hour of need; don’t think I don’t know how much it costs him to do it.” He again looks at his boy, who looks almost childlike, curled in on himself like he’s trying to make himself as small as he can to hide from the world.
“He’s an amazing man.” I agree. Understatement. He’s the best man I know, and thanks to the guys at the shop, I know a lot of amazing men.
“He is,” Jerry says, wincing at what I assume is probably an internal pain that he’s gotten quite used to as the disease of his own making ravages his body. “So, what are you going to do?” He asks me.
“Love him.” I don’t hesitate. If he’ll have Lennon and me, we’ll spend the rest of our lives loving him; I already know.
“If I ask you to take care of him.-“ he starts, getting choked up and needing a minute. I stay quiet and let him finish… “He’s a tough kid; he’s had to be. I don’t suspect he needs anyone to take care of him, not really. He’s done a fine job of that himself his whole life. Though, we all need a little care every now and then. He deserves it. He deserves a whole lot that I wish I could give him. I’m sad I won’t get to, not now. I waited too long; it’s too late. Don’t hurt him, okay? He’s had enough hurt.” He stops, his emotion overwhelming him. I put my hand on his shoulder, giving him what little comfort I can.
“Dad, what’s wrong? Are you hurting?” Jay pushes himself up from his makeshift bed, and his attention is zeroed in on his crying dad. “I’ll get a nurse, just hang on.” Jay tries to stand up, but his father’s grip must be must stronger than it looks. Jay stops and turns back, noticing me for the first time.
“Finn.” He whispers, eyes bloodshot and swollen. “What are you doing here?” He looks from me to his dad and back to me, again.
“Wanted to check on you. Make sure you’re okay.” I tell him honestly. We will be talking, but now isn’t the time or place, I just wanted to let him know I was here for him; for whatever he needed, whenever he needed it.
“Where’s Lennon?” He looked around like I could be hiding her somewhere.
“Morgan and King have her,” I tell him. His shoulders sag, and I want to go to him, wrap him up and feel him lean on me.
“Can we talk a minute?” I ask, looking to his dad for permission, “Just in the hall, I won’t take you too far.�
� I smile at them both,
“Go on, now. I need a rest anyway.” Jerry smirks and winks up at me. I can’t speak on the man he was, but the man he is right now is on my side. We step outside the door and Jay has his arms wrapped around his body, so tense he looks about to snap in half.
“Please, come here.” I step towards him, and I watch his body flinch; still, he doesn’t pull away. I pull him into my chest, and it takes him a second to relax. Eventually, he sags into me and puts his arms around me. I feel his body shake with silent tears as I rock him back and forth.
“Thank you for coming here. I can’t- I mean, I know what you must think-“
“No, you don’t know what I think.” I interrupt him, pulling him back so he could see my face. I wipe his tears from his cheeks and watch his eyes close as he melts into me. I lean in, just slightly and touch his lips with mine; “I think Lennon and I can’t live without you, so no matter what happens after we leave this hospital, we’ll need to work it out together. I like it here, this has become my home, but if you can’t see yourself staying here, then we’ll be following you.” I lay my cards on the table, “It’s soon, I know that I also don’t give a shit. You’re it. We want you- no, we need you. We’ll let you figure out where it is that you want to be and like it or not, we’ll be there too.” I barely finish my unplanned but heartfelt speech when he throws his arms around my neck and hugs me. I’m choosing to accept that as his agreement.
“I’m sorry I caused problems with your friends.” He whispers into my neck, not letting go.
“You didn’t. It was a shock, but they’re over it. They convinced me not to give you any time and come after you, now. I’m glad I listened.” I say, shaking him a little back and forth in my arms.
“Really? They don’t hate me?” He stepped back, looking into my eyes.
“They don’t hate you at all. They’d like to meet you officially; maybe we can try that again soon?” I winked, earning the most beautiful smile.
“I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.” He whispers, crushing his mouth to mine. What could I say to that?
The guys gave me the next few days off to be with Jay. I had to get back to Lenny that night, but after introducing myself officially to his father, he asked me question after question about my beautiful daughter. I decided that today, I’d let him meet her. Because things were so up in the air, Jay was determined to not leave his father’s side; because I needed to get back to Lennon, I agreed to come back the following morning. Walking into the room, I could tell that things had gone from bad to worse. He was almost never awake now, and Jay looked downright miserable.
“The guys send their sympathy, and it’s killing Morgan and Cam to not come hover. I told them that it was against the rules and they can bombarded you with their hovering soon enough.” I tried to joke, relaying the messages I’d gotten from the guys this morning before we came.
“Dot-ter!” Lenny said a little too loudly when she noticed Jay was who we were talking to.
“Hey, pretty girl.” He whispered as she reached for him, excitedly. He buried his face in hair and wept, letting her little girl voice sooth him. She jabberd softly like she knew that he was hurting and I sat on the cot beside the bed and held them both.
“Jay, who’s your little lady?” Jerry opened his eyes and rasped, I couldn’t believe the change in just one day. It was like I could see him barely hanging on.
“Dad, this is Lennon. Lennon, this is my daddy.” He told her, tears streaming down his face.
“We never had grandkids, never thought we would. Can I borrow you?” Jerry asks, reaching out to touch Lennon’s little hand with his wrinkly, yellow, shaking finger. She put her hand on his hand, and I was surprised at my girl's gentleness.
“You sure are pretty.” He tells her, and she lays her head on Jay’s shoulder. Jay sits down on the bed beside his dad, and we all listen to Lennon jabber about anything and everything. She’s a regular chatterbox, some words making sense, some not. She seemed to be telling a story about a damn kitty cat again, and I vowed to strangle Conner for always letting her play with Pickles. We stayed a while, and I was surprised that Jerry seemed to be trying to stay awake and talk to Lennon and sometimes Jay, but just before we were set to leave, the nurse came in with more medicine.
“I don’t want that if that’s okay.” He told the nurse with the name tag that read, Sharon. “I think it’s about time I tell you guys, goodbye.”
Jay stood up next to him and grabbed his hand in his. “Dad, don’t say that.” He panicked.
“It’s okay, son. Your mom is here for me.” He smiled. Jay looked over at me, frantically. “She says your girl is beautiful, Finn and she’s trusting you to take care of her boy.” He finished. “I love you, son. I’m sorry.” He finished, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in. We all waited in silence for him to let that breath out, but the breath never came.
“Dad!” Jay called out to him. “Dad, wake up! You have to breathe!” She almost shouted. He didn’t seem to hear the machine on the other side of the bed, beep louder and faster until it was one, long, monotone, beep. He was gone.
“Dad! Stop, you can’t read yet! I love you, too! Dad, did you hear that? I love you, too!” He screamed, lying over his dad, with his face in his dad's motionless face.
“Finn! He’s not waking up!” He screamed, nurses, running in and doing whatever it is that they do when someone passes. Machines are turning off, things being unhooked, alarms being silenced. Jay, however, didn’t seem to know what they were doing.
“What are you doing? He needs that!” He grabbed a chord and plugged it back in. I grabbed my phone and sent an urgent text to Morgan and Kingsley, telling them we needed them. I’d need them to take Lennon; they needed to get here. I had to be there for my guy.
“Sir, can I take her?” Sharon asked, pointing to Lennon. “We have a kids room; it’s right down the hall for when kids do visitation. I can take her there, just for a few minutes and let you get him under control. He needs you right now. “ She tells me, and I reluctantly agree. She sits Lennon on her feet, and they walk hand in hand out the door. I’d been introduced to Sharon, and she seemed very taken with Jerry, so she was in our room, a lot. I trusted her to be okay with Lennon for a few minutes.
“Baby. Hey.” I went to him, grabbing his arm as he frantically tangled and untangled his father’s chords. “Hey, it’s over, let’s stop. Baby, stop.” I hugged him to me, and he collapsed. He clung to me, hard. I whispered to him that I wouldn’t let go; that I promised we wouldn’t let him go. I told him his father was no longer suffering and I reminded him how happy he was that his last days were spent with Jay. “Baby, look,” I tried to get his attention, “look at his face, Jay. Look how peaceful he looks. He’s not hurting anymore, baby. He’s with your mama. She was here for him; he said that. He’s right where he longed to be, remember? Look at his face.” I tried. Eventually, he looked down at his father who was no longer here. I wasn’t lying; his face looked tranquil. He looked at peace, and I could swear I wasn’t seeing things when I saw the slight lilt to the corner of his mouth. Almost a smirk. He was no longer suffering; he was at peace. He probably hadn’t been that way for a good long time.
Jay clung to me while doctors came in and they made arrangements. They were releasing him to a mortuary that Jerry had already picked out and he was to be cremated. They would release his remains to Jay in a few days. They wouldn’t have a funeral service, but Jay wanted a memorial. I told him we could have a small thing at our house, but he didn’t figure anyone would come, though there was no doubt that the whole town would know of his passing.
We asked that they not remove his body until we left; Jay didn’t want to watch him be covered up and wheeled away, so after a long twenty or so minutes, after Jay got to say his goodbyes, we left for the last time. Lennon was quiet and watchful, but she seemed to know that Jay needed love. She sat on his lap and cuddled with him for the rest of the evening. He distracted hi
mself with playing with her and reading her story after story before bed. They sang songs and acted silly, and it was hours after Lennon’s bedtime before she finally crashed out.
Once she was out, I pulled Jay into my room and stripped him of his clothes. I’d turned on the shower, nice and hot and we both stepped under the larger than normal shower head and again, I let him cry. I took my time, washing his body and shampooing his hair; he never took his eyes from me.
When we finally slid into bed, Jay curled into me, so close, we were touching from head to toe. He seemed restless at first, but I reached for his hand that was resting on my chest and placed his fingers in my beard, and he settled. It should’ve been weird, but I loved that he loved it.
We laid together for long quiet hours, sometimes he’d cry and sometimes his body would quake with his emotions, but I quietly held him through it all. When he finally slept, I curled my body around him hoped that even in sleep, he knew I wasn’t letting him go.
It was a tough couple of days; the guys showed up in shifts, and everyone got a chance to meet him. Kayson and Conner were first, Jay cried when they walked in, but Conner rushed him and scooped him up in a bone crushing hug. He whispered words of condolence and told him that the past was the past and he was family now. My guy couldn’t handle it. He apologized profusely, and it wasn’t until Kayson wrapped his arms around both of the hugging men that he accepted it. Kayson also apologized for his blow up and eventually, Conner had him laughing as he hovered like the mother hen that he is. We both appreciated it.
Kingsley and Morgan stopped by in the afternoon, and Morgan cried right along with my guy. Morgan has such a sweet heart and faced with his own mortality at one time; he seemed to have such compassion for what Jay was going through. I loved him for that. Kingsley made inappropriate jokes until everyone quit crying, because as he pointed out; he’s socially awkward and terrible with emotion. It worked. The next time they came, they brought Wade. Kingsley had made it his mission to make the man his BFF, and by the looks of things, it was working. There was something about Wade though, something dark and dangerous; he seemed very sincere with Jay though, so I made a point to get to know him better when everything went back to normal.
