Today she was to meet with the abbess in her study, so she’d decided it was time to emerge from her sanctuary and face everyone. But now that she was here . . .
Footsteps behind her heralded Rose’s arrival; she squeezed Maddy’s arm and said cheerfully, “Glad to see you didn’t back out.”
“And I’m glad you’re here,” Maddy said, bolstered by Rose’s presence. She talked a little too much as they stood in line for their porridge, and fought the urge to cling to Rose when they reached their usual table. Abigail and Nora looked up from their bowls. Maddy searched their faces for pity, but found only curiosity.
Nora’s mouth turned up at the corners. “We’ve missed you at embroidery.” She moved over slightly so Grace could squeeze onto the bench. “Sister Gail threatened to work on your panel, but I managed to hold her off.”
“Thank you,” Maddy said as she and Rose sat down across from them. She lifted the pitcher from the middle of the table and filled a mug with milk. “I would have spent the entire next session pulling out her stitches.”
“So you’ll be there tomorrow?” Nora asked.
Maddy nodded. Someone sat down on her right. She turned to look, then quickly faced forward in dismay. Gwendolyn.
“And I guess you’ll be starting on the abbess’s cassock soon, won’t you?” Rose said brightly.
“I guess so,” Maddy mumbled, embarrassed. Nobody cared about her embroidery; it wasn’t as important as their training with the elements.
“It’s good to know you’ll have plenty to keep yourself busy while we’re all in the training rooms,” Gwendolyn said. Those across from Maddy stared at their porridge. “In fact, I think we all have lessons this afternoon,” Gwendolyn continued, her voice rising. “What will you be doing? Mucking out the stables? Helping the cooks peel potatoes? Oh, but your lessons were always in the evenings, weren’t they.” She snickered. “Your ‘lessons’—right. Now I understand why you’ve latched onto the mistress. One way to make yourself useful, I suppose.”
Maddy shot up as those around her gasped. She yanked Gwendolyn’s spoon from her porridge bowl, picked up the bowl, and tipped it over Gwendolyn’s head.
Gwendolyn’s eyes bulged. “You bitch!” she screeched, leaping to her feet, the bowl balanced on her head and porridge running down her face. The spoon in Maddy’s hand burst into flame. She yelped and dropped it to the table. Abigail quickly doused the fire with milk.
Everyone else was on their feet. “You’re not supposed to draw outside the training room,” Grace hissed.
“What is going on?” a voice cracked out. Mistress Phyllis bustled forward and surveyed the mess in horror. “Who drew fire?” she asked as others in the dining hall crowded around.
The initiates glanced uncertainly at each other. “You can eliminate Sister Maddy,” Gwendolyn said with a sneer.
Mistress Phyllis’s mouth tightened. “Since nobody wants to own up, I’ll take a wild guess and assume it was the one with the bowl on her head.” Everyone except Gwendolyn burst into laughter. “Clean up this mess, Sister Gwendolyn. I shall have a word with your tutor about your inappropriate use of the elements. And take that blasted bowl off your head!”
Gwendolyn lifted the bowl as Mistress Phyllis turned to leave, revealing bits of porridge pasted into her hair. “What about Maddy? She dumped my porridge over me!”
An exasperated sigh escaped Mistress Phyllis’s lips. “I don’t want to see you in the chapel looking like that. Sister Maddy, fetch water and heat it for Sister Gwendolyn. She’ll be bathing before morning prayers.”
“Fill one of the tubs in our tower. And be quick about it!” Gwendolyn snapped when Mistress Phyllis was out of earshot. “I want my water waiting for me when I get there!” As those who’d rushed over to see the show trickled away, she plucked at the oatmeal on her robe, groaning, “Oh, look at this mess.”
“The bowl suited you,” Rose murmured when Gwendolyn passed her, presumably on her way to get a rag.
“You’re as pathetic as your crippled friend,” Gwendolyn retorted without breaking stride.
Crippled. Was that how everyone saw her? “I’d better start on the water.” Maddy downed her milk and picked up her bowl.
Rose touched Maddy’s arm. “Finish your breakfast first. Don’t rush yourself for Gwendolyn.”
No. She’d not only lost her temper, but her appetite too. Plus she wanted to see her squirrels. They were capable of taking care of themselves and probably hadn’t missed her, but she’d missed them. “I’m not.”
“See you at morning prayers?”
Maddy nodded, though she’d prefer to skip them. Her presence might offend Salbine. Uninvited guests were always an intrusion.
*****
Maddy murmured her thanks as she accepted a cup of tea from the abbess. She took a tentative sip. Lemon. Not her favourite, but she hadn’t wanted to refuse it.
Abbess Sophia blew on her tea. “It was nice to see you in the chapel this morning.”
It had been horrible. The sun filtering through the stained glass, the sculpture of Lina in the vestibule, the sisters’ voices rising to Salbine, the tapestry illustrating the founding of the Merrin monastery—everything that normally exhilarated and humbled had left her cold. And when it had come time to pray . . . she’d pressed her palms together, bowed her head, and quietly despaired.
“I heard about what happened in the dining hall, but I don’t know why it happened.” The abbess eyed Maddy over the rim of her cup.
“I’m sorry.” With the heat of the moment long past, her behaviour that morning disappointed and shamed her. “Sister Gwendolyn started going on about how everyone would be busy training except me.”
“And that bothered you enough to dump porridge over her head?”
“It wasn’t just that. She said something about me . . . and Mistress Lillian. That’s when I dumped the porridge over her head.”
“I see.” The abbess set her cup on its saucer. “What did she say?”
Suddenly grateful for the tea she held, Maddy sipped it to give herself time to think. “She implied that my interest in the mistress isn’t genuine, that I spend time with her for other reasons.” Specifically, that she lay with Lillian for other reasons.
“Is that true?”
“No!” Maddy exclaimed, offended that the abbess had to ask. Lillian was the one bright spot in her life, the only light in the oppressive gloom that had hung over her since she’d learned of her condition. Their relationship was as much a surprise to her as it seemed to be to everyone else. A wonderful surprise, one she’d thank Salbine for every day—if Salbine cared. “I spend time with the mistress because I like her.” That felt inadequate; she liked Rose, and Thomas. “I care about her.” In a different way than she did for Rose, but that explanation would have to do.
“Since Lillian is a mistress and you’re an initiate, some sisters are bound to draw the wrong conclusions,” the abbess said. “You’ll have to learn to brush them off.”
Or some sisters, like Gwendolyn, were just cruel and ignorant. “I know, and I have. I guess it got to me this time because . . .” She swallowed. “The other things she said, about what I’ll do while they’re all training. Well, what am I supposed to do?”
The abbess smiled. “That’s why we’re here. To talk about potential areas of study.”
“But should I even be here?” Her teacup rattled against its saucer. She looked around for somewhere to set her tea, then carefully lowered her cup and saucer onto the small round table next to her chair that seemed to be there for that very purpose.
“What do you mean?” the abbess asked, frowning.
“Here, at the monastery.”
“We’ve talked about this already, but perhaps you don’t remember. It was just after you came around. You’re marked by Salbine and you’re serving Her. That’s all we require.”
“But how am I different from a cook or a stable hand? Why isn’t Dora a sister, or Penelope?”
; The abbess folded her hands on her desk. “By serving us, they serve Salbine, but they’re not marked by Salbine. Only those marked by Salbine can be sisters. And only those who answer Her call become sisters. You answered Her call, Maddy. You left your family and your village to come to us.”
But had Salbine’s call been an excuse to escape farm life and a relationship that had become routine? She hadn’t thought so. Her decision to leave Joanna had been heart-wrenching, and she’d always enjoyed her chores around the farm. She would have happily stayed, if not for Salbine’s call, the pull she’d felt ever since she’d discovered she was marked. Had it all been a delusion? Every other sister had her decision to answer the call affirmed when she learned to draw the elements. Every other sister could say with certainty that she belonged, that Salbine wanted her service. “I can’t draw the elements, Abbess. If Salbine called me, why would She deny me Her gifts? Why would She set me apart?” Why would She cripple me?
“I don’t know. Perhaps She has something else in mind for you and doesn’t want you distracted. Perhaps drawing the elements could be dangerous to you in some way and She’s protecting you. Or perhaps She’s simply not all that concerned with who can draw the elements and who can’t.”
Or perhaps only those She’d called could draw the elements. Often the most obvious explanation was the truth.
“You’re not the first malflowed sister, Maddy. We’ve turned away women who claimed to be marked but failed the Test of Salbine, and women whose desire to serve Salbine wasn’t genuine. We’ve never turned away a woman because she can’t draw the elements. In fact, we claimed you long before you entered a training room. You’re marked. You’ve served Salbine admirably during your time here. You’re a sister. Nothing has changed.”
Everything had changed. Last week she’d felt part of a community, imagined herself becoming competent at drawing the elements and eventually becoming a mistress. She’d harboured no doubts about her chosen path, or about Salbine’s love for her. Now she felt like an outsider, with nothing of value to contribute, and wondered if she deserved to be at the monastery. “I have to be honest—I can’t help but wonder if I belong. Nothing sets me apart from those outside. Anything I might contribute, they could too.”
The abbess blinked at her. “Yet Salbine didn’t call them. She called you, and you answered that call.”
Maddy had once believed that; now she wasn’t sure.
“I was going to discuss your interests and afterward speak to the mistresses, but I’ve changed my mind. I’d like you to spend some time researching other sisters who were malflowed. We can discuss other potential areas of study later.” The abbess stood, drained her teacup, and set it back in its saucer on her desk. “Let’s go see Mistress Averill. She can tell you where to start, help you draw up a study plan.”
“Yes, Abbess.” Maddy rose and followed her to the door. When they spoke with Mistress Averill, she wouldn’t have to feign enthusiasm. She wanted to read about the other malflowed sisters, to see if any of them had eventually regained Salbine’s favour and overcome the malflowed condition.
*****
Sophia rotated the sealing wax over the candle, then smeared it onto the folded paper in front of her. She picked up her seal, licked it, and pressed it into the wax. Seconds later, she lifted the seal and grunted in satisfaction.
The door to her study creaked open. Elizabeth bounced in and pushed the door shut. “You’ve been busy,” she said, taking in Sophia’s stained fingers and the pile of sealed messages at her elbow.
“I’ve written to the other monasteries, requesting that they send any material they have on the subject of malflowed sisters. I’ve asked Maddy to learn about others like her, but we don’t have much in our library. Averill suggested I check with the others.”
“How did your meeting with Maddy go?” Elizabeth sank into the chair Maddy had occupied earlier.
“Not well.” Sophia moved the letter aside and clasped her hands on the desk. “When was the last time you drew the elements? Outside the training rooms, I mean.”
“I tested that newcomer a couple of weeks ago, the one that failed.”
“Outside the training rooms, Elizabeth.”
“Oh. Well, um, there was that time last month, when that piece of stone fell from the east archway. It would have hit poor Jacob if I hadn’t been passing by.”
“And before then?”
Elizabeth grimaced. “Oh dear . . . I did help with a horse—when was it, February? No, March. Thomas was desperate.”
“So over six months ago.”
“Yes. Oh, I did help take care of some bandits, but that must have been almost ten years ago.”
“And when was the last time you sensed someone draw the elements outside the training rooms?”
“Is there a purpose to this?” Elizabeth asked, grinning.
Sophia smiled indulgently. “Yes, there is.”
Elizabeth folded her arms. “All right, then. I wasn’t near the dining hall this morning, but I heard about what happened.”
“Gwendolyn doesn’t count. She broke a rule.”
“Okay, then. Lillian’s been drawing lately.”
Sophia snorted. “Lillian’s been showing off, and she’s stopped now. She was already tapering off before we found out that Maddy’s malflowed.”
“Well, I don’t know, then. Just when sisters have been working with the horses, I guess.”
“Exactly.”
Elizabeth’s brow furrowed.
“Drawing the elements is such a small part of our life here. But try telling that to Maddy. She’s convinced that since she’s malflowed, she doesn’t belong here, that Salbine has turned Her back on her.”
“That’s nonsense!”
“Of course it is. The initiates don’t know this yet, but unless there’s a conflict, they’re drawing the elements now more than they ever will. The only difference between Maddy and the rest of us is that she won’t have to spend time in a training room every once in a while.”
“And that we can draw the elements and she can’t,” Elizabeth pointed out, “though that likely won’t ever matter in practice. Anyway, I thought we were going to find Maddy an area of study, something to focus on while the others are training.”
“And which, ironically, will probably lead to her being a more valuable resource than many other sisters. But she doesn’t see it that way. No matter what we find her to do, she’ll feel as if we’re patting her on the head and telling her to go out and play while the adults get down to the important business.” She gazed out the window, watched the clouds float by. “I’m worried about her. She seems so lost. And then there’s Lillian.”
“What about Lillian?” Elizabeth rose and rounded the desk.
Sophia closed her eyes when Elizabeth gently touched her shoulders and worked her fingers into them. “After all this time she finally risks another relationship. I was starting to think it would never happen, that Caroline had done so much damage that she’d never take a chance again. And then all of a sudden she’s with Maddy. Not who I would have guessed and it’s early days, but they seem to enjoy each other’s company.”
“But?”
“Even before we discovered that Maddy’s malflowed, I wondered where it would end up. Maddy’s so young.”
“That doesn’t mean they’re incompatible,” Elizabeth said.
“No, but realistically, what’s going to happen? Almost eighteen years separates them. Will they accept each other as consorts?”
“Consorts!” Elizabeth blurted. “They’ve only just started to see each other.”
“I know, but I’m thinking ahead.” She reached up and patted Elizabeth’s hand. “I can’t help it. After what happened with Caroline . . .” Her eyes welled with tears. She pulled a handkerchief from the desk drawer and dabbed at them. “It’s so silly. I’ve wanted so much for Lillian to find someone, and now that she has, I’m afraid for her. What if Maddy leaves, as Caroline did?”
Eli
zabeth’s fingers stopped moving. “Why would Maddy go to another monastery, especially now?”
“Not leave for another monastery. Leave the Order.”
“But she can’t! The rules forbid it. Not only has Salbine marked her, but we have, too.” Elizabeth reached over Sophia’s shoulder and held her hand in front of Sophia’s face, as if she needed reminding.
“I know we have, but sisters are bound to the Order because they can draw the elements. That’s the agreement. You forfeit your freedom to learn how to draw. Maddy will never be a threat to anyone. If she doesn’t feel she belongs here, if she’s miserable and wants to leave, who am I to deny her request?”
“Her abbess. Someone who sees what she doesn’t see and has faith that she’ll eventually see it.”
“She has to be the one to have faith, Elizabeth. And what if she never sees it?” Sophia rubbed her temples. “If I had been abbess when Caroline was here, I would have searched for a reason to kick her sorry arse out the gates.”
“Lillian would never have forgiven you,” Elizabeth murmured.
“I know, but I would have done it anyway, sent Caroline to another monastery the moment I realized how much she was hurting her. Do you know how dreadful it was to watch and not be able to do anything? Oh, I tried talking to Lillian, but she didn’t want to know. So yes, if I could have prevented Caroline from harming her, I would have, and suffered Lillian’s wrath.” Sophia drew a shuddering breath. “And now I wish I could stop Maddy from leaving, but I don’t think I can, not in good conscience.”
Elizabeth hugged her from behind, pressing her cheek against Sophia’s. “I know how much you love Lillian,” she said softly. “I love her too. But we can’t prevent her from being hurt. All we can do is be there for her.”
The Salbine Sisters Page 6
