The abbess raised her hand. “We can talk about this tomorrow.”
“Thank you, Abbess.”
“You’ll have to learn to call me Sophia when we’re together socially, which I expect will be a lot more often now.”
“To be honest, I’ll find that difficult.”
“We’ll be family, Maddy. Well, we’re already family, but soon we’ll be family through blood, not only through spirit. I’ll see you at the service.” Maddy bobbed and left.
As she crossed the courtyard, she told everyone who stopped her that she’d chat with them after evening prayers. Hopefully Mistress Elizabeth would bring something to do while she minded Emmey.
At the stables, Rose was leaning over the fence, watching Thomas lead Emmey around the yard on a white horse.
“I can see she’s already charmed Thomas,” Maddy said, stopping next to her.
Rose nodded. “I’m surprised she wants to ride. She must be sick of it by now.”
“She’s never ridden by herself. She’s doing well,” Maddy said proudly.
Rose pushed away from the fence and held out her arms. “I didn’t think I’d see you again,” she said, hugging Maddy. “We were all on tenterhooks until Barnabus came back. Every time I heard that someone was approaching the gates, I’d rush out to look. To be honest, I still rushed out, even after he was back,” she said sheepishly.
Maddy hugged her tightly. “I missed you.”
“And I missed you.” Rose stepped back. “Are you all right?” She glanced at Maddy’s arm. “I couldn’t believe it when I heard.”
“It was that, or Salbine’s realm.” Yes, Salbine’s realm. She had to have faith.
“I want to hear all about it,” Rose breathed. “Everything!”
“We have a lot of catching up to do.”
“We do! I . . . uh, should tell you something, before someone else does.”
Rose’s hesitation piqued Maddy’s curiosity. “What?”
“It’s about me and Nora. We’ve grown close.”
“You mean—you and Nora?”
Rose nodded. “You’re sort of to blame.”
“Me?”
“I was worried sick about you. Nora was always willing to listen to me fret. It’s funny, she’d been across the hall from you all that time, but I never really knew her that well.”
“I’m glad I was out of the way for a while, then,” Maddy said, meaning it. She liked Nora.
“What about you and the mistress? Are you still together? When you left without her, I did wonder,” Rose lowered her voice, “if you were trying to get away from her.”
“No. I definitely wasn’t.” Maddy drew a deep breath. “You’ll probably think me mad, but Lillian asked me to be her consort, and I agreed.”
Rose’s eyes widened. “No, I don’t think you’re mad. Perhaps in the beginning I didn’t quite understand it—the two of you—but I can see she cares about you. When she went riding off after you . . . oh dear,” Rose placed her hand against her chest and finished in a husky voice, “so romantic.”
Maddy bit back a laugh. “I don’t think she sees it that way.”
“But you love her?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Aw . . .” Rose’s face scrunched up. “I’m happy for you.”
The chapel bells pealed in the distance. Maddy turned to yell, “Thomas!” When he looked at her, she beckoned him over.
He led Emmey to the fence and inclined his head. “Good to see you back, Sister.”
“And I’m pleased to see you. I’m afraid I’ll have to take Emmey away from you, though. We have things to do before evening prayers.”
“She’s welcome to come again.”
Maddy smiled as she watched Thomas lead Emmey to the gate. Emmey ran toward her and stopped a few feet away. “Do I have to go now?” she asked, her fingers in her mouth.
“No. You’re going to stay with me.”
Emmey’s face lit up. Maddy crouched to look into her eyes. “Only until the abbess finds you somewhere to live. Remember what we talked about.”
“I know, Miss,” she said mournfully, then glanced around. “Where’s Lillian?”
“Lillian’s busy.”
“Will we see her later?”
Maddy would, but Emmey wouldn’t. “Probably not. You’ll see her tomorrow, though.”
Rose ruffled Emmey’s hair. “Shall we walk to the Initiates Tower together?”
“Yes, let’s,” Maddy said, straightening.
“You’re the Miss’s friend,” Emmey declared, grabbing Maddy’s left hand.
Rose looked at Maddy. “Are you the Miss?”
Maddy nodded.
“Then yes, I am her friend.” Rose hesitated, then gently slipped her arm through Maddy’s right arm. “Glad we can still do this,” she said with a smile.
A lump formed in Maddy’s throat. Rose’s simple gesture had put to rest any lingering doubt she may have had about reaffirming her commitment to the Order. She belonged here. If not for the little girl clutching her hand, she’d regret ever leaving.
Chapter Twenty-One
Lillian stopped at the door to her chambers and turned to Maddy. “Now—”
Mistress Meredith emerged from the nearest stairwell. “Oh, thought it might be you two ahead of me.” She gripped Maddy and Lillian’s arms. “I’m so pleased for you. And I’m glad you’re back, Lillian. Dorothy’s tinctures just aren’t the same. Think you can prepare me another one soon?”
Fortunately for Lillian, Dorothy had anticipated Meredith’s request. “I’ll bring you one tomorrow.”
“Oh, good. Well, I won’t get in the way.” She released their arms and carried on up the hall.
Lillian leaned closer to Maddy. “I bet she’ll tell me how much better it is than Dorothy’s, even though it’ll be Dorothy’s,” she murmured, then smiled when Maddy smiled. She pushed the door open. “Let’s get this over with, then.”
Maddy raised her brows. “Should I cover my eyes?”
“No, no.” Lillian entered her chambers and held her breath. “Wait a minute. Let me light the fire and a couple of lamps.” Her hands trembled as she knelt in front of the fireplace and struck the flint. She had butterflies! Fortunately the amadou caught the spark. Lillian blew carefully on the dry fungus and used it to light the lamps, then the fire. She straightened and faced the door. “Come in.”
Maddy stepped into the chambers and surveyed the room, her gaze homing in on the horse carving sitting on a shelf. “What’s that? Can I look at it?”
Her stomach churning, Lillian nodded.
Maddy crossed to the carving and lifted it. “It’s lovely,” she breathed. “Such detail. And there’s another one!” After carefully setting the horse down, she picked up the bird at the other end of the shelf. “It’s beautiful.”
“It’s something to do when I’m sitting in front of the fire,” Lillian said quietly.
Maddy gaped at her. “You did them! Why haven’t you ever shown me one before? They’re gorgeous.”
Probably because she’d proudly given one to Caroline, a fox she’d lovingly slaved over until it was perfect, and received a disinterested “thank you.” She’d expected it to be on display in Caroline’s chambers, but had never seen it again. Caroline had probably tossed it down one of the latrines.
“And I can see you do this in front of the fire,” Maddy said, eyeing the dusty shavings around the chair, then smiling when she spotted her birthday gift. She looked at Lillian. “We’ll need another chair.”
Lillian’s throat tightened. “Yes, we will.”
“Are you working on one now?” Maddy gestured toward the bird carving.
“No, I wasn’t sure what to do next.”
Maddy raised her arms and covered her stump with her hand, something she did when she was excited. “Can I choose?”
“I suppose that would be fitting, since these will soon be your chambers too.” Something Lillian could hardly believe, though she seemed to
be the only one who felt that way. Had everyone expected them to become consorts except her? Few eyebrows had risen when Maddy sat next to Lillian during evening prayers, and shocked gasps hadn’t filled the chapel when Sophia announced that Mistress Lillian and Sister Maddy would pledge.
“I’ll think about it,” Maddy said, breaking into Lillian’s thoughts. She swept her left arm through the air several times.
“What are you doing?”
“Wondering how effectively I can sweep. I wonder if a shorter handle would help. Another thing to discuss with the carpenters.” Maddy glanced around. “We’ll have to add a bit of colour.”
“Colour?”
“It’s a bit austere in here, isn’t it? A few hangings will help, and perhaps new cushions, to go with the one I gave you.”
She’d never thought of her chambers as drab.
“Let’s have a look at the bedchamber.”
“This would be yours.” Lillian pushed open one of the doors on the chamber’s east wall.
“Oh yes, I forgot that you mistresses have two bedchambers.”
“Most of us do take consorts,” Lillian mumbled.
Maddy peered into the gloomy room and sneezed. She carefully picked up one of the lamps and used it to illuminate the piles of tomes and scrolls covering every inch of the floor. “Lillian! Does Mistress Averill know you have half the library in here?”
“I wouldn’t say it’s half the library,” Lillian said faintly.
“I can see I’ll be busy,” Maddy said, her tone brisk. “Can I come in when you’re not here?”
“Why? What are you planning to do?”
“Sweep.” Maddy waved her hand into the room. “Take all this back to the library.”
“What? I need these.”
Maddy sighed. “Lillian, the tomes in the back are so covered in dust, it’s clear you haven’t touched them in years. If you do need them, they’ll be in the library. Or are you expecting me to sleep on them?”
“I’m hoping you’ll be with me in my bedchamber.” Lillian cleared her throat. “Most nights.”
“I’ll still want my own bedchamber.”
“I know,” she said, wincing at the resignation she heard in her voice.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Maddy asked.
“Yes! I’m just not used to someone else . . .” She searched for a way to express herself that would be less inflammatory than “taking over my chambers” and finished triumphantly with, “Organizing my chambers!”
“Soon to be our chambers.”
“I know, I know!”
Maddy’s forehead creased. “I’ll try not to charge in here like a bull. But I’d like to keep myself busy, especially after Emmey’s gone.”
It wouldn’t work. Lillian had done the same when Maddy was away. No matter how many chores Maddy found to distract herself, the second she had a quiet moment, her thoughts would turn to Emmey. But she wouldn’t be lonely. Lillian would see to that.
“What’s yours like?” Maddy asked, moving to the other door but waiting for Lillian to push it open. She peered inside and grunted. “Neater than I’d expected.”
“I don’t spend much time in there.”
Maddy waggled her eyebrows. “I wonder if that will change now.”
Lillian cursed her hot cheeks. “I wish you could stay tonight.”
“I don’t.”
“What?”
“That didn’t come out right,” Maddy said with a chuckle. “I do wish we could spend the night together, but not here. I want to save that until we’ve pledged.”
Lillian’s blood stopped pounding in her ears.
“I’d better get back, otherwise Mistress Elizabeth will have a fit.”
“We told her we’d come here after evening prayers,” Lillian reminded her.
“We said for a few minutes.”
Disappointed, Lillian nodded. “So we did.”
Maddy bit her lip. “Emmey was asking after you. I told her she’ll see you tomorrow. Will we?”
“Yes.” Going a day without seeing Maddy was now unimaginable.
“I know you’ll have things to do, but perhaps you’ll watch Emmey while I attend morning prayers, and then we can all go for a walk together.”
“All right. If you like, I’ll bring you breakfast after early morning prayers. You should be up by then, with Emmey around.”
Maddy set the lamp down and pinched Lillian’s cheek. “I’d like that very much.” She pressed her lips against Lillian’s, but pulled away when Lillian parted her lips. “No. If we start that, I won’t be able to tear myself away. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She darted into the hall before Lillian could respond.
Lillian shook her head and pushed the door shut. She swallowed at the sight of the one chair in front of the fire. Her chambers had never felt empty before, but Maddy’s absence was palpable. Lillian couldn’t wait for the colourful tapestries, the new cushions, and, most especially, the second chair by the fire.
Perhaps love wasn’t so bad after all.
*****
Maddy knocked at the abbess’s study door and opened it in response to the muffled, “Come in.”
“Please sit, Maddy.” The abbess looked more drawn than usual.
“No, thank you,” Maddy said when the abbess offered her a cup of tea. The air felt heavy; holding a cup might not be a good idea. She smoothed her robe and tried to relax as the abbess poured her own tea and blew on it. Her apprehension grew when the abbess gazed at her and sighed.
“I’ve summoned you here to tell you that I’ve found a home for Emmey,” the abbess said.
Already? It had only been four days.
“The Carmichaels are willing to take her.”
Maddy’s heart sank. She knew of the Carmichaels; a constant stream of children passed through their farm, helping with the harvests and livestock and sleeping in the barns. Still, it would be better than the alleys.
The abbess’s mouth pinched in sympathy. “She’ll have a full belly and a roof.”
But not love.
“It’s the best we can do. She’s not a babe.”
“I know.” Expecting a family to welcome Emmey as a daughter hadn’t been realistic, but Maddy had hoped for it anyway. Merrin was no different from any other town; orphans roamed its streets, searching for scraps and begging for coin. Few families could afford an extra mouth to feed, nor did they have the room for another bed and the time to nurture another tiny soul. Was it so bad that Emmey would spend her days in the fields and with farm animals? Maddy had grown up on a farm—but among those who loved and cherished her, not as someone akin to a hired farmhand. “She’ll have my visits.”
The abbess tensed. “No.”
Maddy’s breath caught in her throat. “What?”
“No, Maddy. Visiting Emmey wouldn’t be a good idea.”
“But . . .” Maddy pressed her lips together to stop their trembling.
“I know you care about her,” the abbess said gently, “but you’re a Salbine Sister. Your place is here, and you have much work to do regarding your spiritual life. I can’t have half of you here and half of you out there. When we join the Order, we don’t cut off our families, but we do leave them behind. You’re too involved with this girl, Maddy. You have to let go now.”
Knowing the abbess was right, Maddy didn’t protest, but tears spilled onto her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help but care for her,” she said tremulously.
The abbess rose and rounded the desk. “I’m not criticizing you,” she said, crouching next to Maddy and taking her hand. “Of course you couldn’t help but care. You went through a terrible ordeal together, and you were each other’s only friend for months. Only someone with a heart of stone wouldn’t have cared. And you always reach out, Maddy. It’s one of the things I admire about you. But you can’t continue your relationship with Emmey. You have to return to your calling, find that purpose you seek.” She let go of Maddy’s hand to return to her desk and pull a handk
erchief from a drawer.
“Thank you,” Maddy murmured, accepting it and wiping her eyes. “When are the Carmichaels taking her?”
The abbess settled back into her chair. “Wednesday. I wanted to give you some time with her before she goes.”
Two days away. “Thank you.”
“Bring her here about eleven o’clock. I’ll have one of the defenders take her to the farm.”
“Yes, Abbess.” On the verge of losing her composure again, she pressed the handkerchief against her mouth.
The abbess swallowed. “I am sorry.”
“May I go now?” Maddy managed to say. “I’d like to tell Emmey.”
“Of course. Salbine go with you.”
She rose and bobbed, then fled the study. But she didn’t head to the Initiates Tower, where Emmey was helping Rose sew—or probably vice versa. Instead, she went to the chapel.
Two sisters sat praying to the left of the centre aisle. Maddy chose a bench on the right, lowered her head, and pressed her left hand against her heart, her way of praying, now that she didn’t have two hands to press together.
No words came, nor did she seek any. She wept, wanting to purge herself before she saw Emmey. Except for Lillian, everything was a mess. Maddy couldn’t seem to do anything right and didn’t know what Salbine wanted from her. She’d answered Salbine’s call, only to be denied Her gifts. She’d left the monastery to seek answers, only to be thrown into prison. And she’d been placed in a situation that could only ever have led to grief and a tremendous sense of loss. She’d even lost her hand! Was there a reason behind everything that had happened to her? Would she ever understand it? Was Salbine punishing her, trying to teach her, laughing at her? Did Salbine care?
“Are you all right, Sister?” someone asked softly.
Maddy raised her head.
Sister Elouise peered at her. “Would you like me to fetch Mistress Lillian?”
“No. I’m fine, thank you.” She didn’t want Lillian to see her like this. “It doesn’t have anything to do with the mistress,” Maddy quickly added, in case Sister Elouise jumped to the conclusion that she was having second thoughts about pledging. “Thank you for your concern.”
The Salbine Sisters Page 28
