by Raine Miller
I knew what that white plastic stick was, but I still didn’t know its secret. The test indicator window was facing the floor.
9
♥ I opened my eyes to find Ethan dozing in the comfortable chair next to the bed. He had his arms folded in tight and his long legs stretched out on the matching ottoman. He was so beautiful to me it almost hurt to look at him for very long. I was still amazed that he’d come to find me. How could he want this? How was it possible? Why wasn’t he running for the hills?
My left arm felt funny and I figured out why when I saw the tube taped to it, which led straight up to the IV bag hanging on one of those poles on wheels.
I sat up in the bed, looking for the clock to check the time. How long had I been asleep? The clock read just after ten-thirty. The afternoon’s events came crashing back in a blasting wave and I braced myself for more pain and suffering, but it never came. I guess all the running and crying and puking had sucked all of the reacting out of me. Instead, I was warm in a soft bed with Ethan watching over me with an IV in my arm. Okay, that was a little scary. I must have been in terrible shape when Ethan brought me here if I needed intravenous liquids.
I settled back down into the covers and indulged in watching him sleeping in the chair. It couldn’t be very comfortable for him. Poor guy. He had to be exhausted from everything that had happened, and everything we had done in the last day and a half.
I wasn’t ready to face it all yet, but I did feel much better than I had in hours, and . . . safe. Very safe in Ethan’s care, the way he’d made me feel since the night I’d met him and he took me home in his car. I let myself drift back to sleep again, content with the knowledge that, at least for now, I wasn’t alone.
When I woke the next time, Ethan’s chair was empty. The bedside clock read a little after one-fifteen in the morning, so I surmised he must have gone to bed. Another bed. Somewhere else. I took a deep breath and tried to suck it up. Turning into a puddle of jelly wouldn’t help me a bit. But it sure felt good to fall apart sometimes, especially when you had someone to catch you. Like Ethan . . .
I realized I needed the bathroom, so I flicked the covers back and gingerly crawled out of bed. Feet were a little shaky and muscles very sore, especially my legs and abdominals, but I had to smile at the socks on my feet. Ethan must have put them on me. He really has to love me. I truly believed that he did, but I guess I was afraid that a pregnancy would kill that love, in all its newness and fragility. We were moving way too fast for this to possibly work. Right?
The IV pole had to be rolled along with me, or I would risk ripping out the needle imbedded in my wrist. I shuddered at the look of the ugly thing, glad I didn’t remember getting stuck with it in the first place. The pole was a little awkward, but I managed to get in and take care of business.
The first thing I did afterward was brush my teeth. I actually moaned at the divine taste of toothpaste and the feel of a clean minty mouth after far too many revolting spells of barfing. It’s the little things . . .
Next I tackled my hair, which I have to say looked pretty damn horrific. I didn’t even want to think about what might be dried in there. I really wanted a shower, but I knew there was no way to navigate it out by myself when I was still hooked up to an IV. Brushing and braiding my hair into one long rope on the side improved things somewhat, but I still looked like hell. I eyeballed the bathtub.
“What are you doing out of bed?” Ethan barked from the doorway, a heavy scowl on his beautiful face.
“I had to go to the bathroom.”
“And are you finished?”
I nodded and looked longingly at the magnificent marble bath.
His eyes followed mine to the bathtub. “Don’t even think about it. You’re getting back into bed.” He pointed, still glaring.
I raised both brows. “Are you telling me where to go by pointing?”
“Yup. And it’s thataway.” He jerked his thumb for emphasis and stalked over, lifting me off my feet with no trouble. “Grab onto the pole, baby, it’s coming too.”
I squeaked and grabbed the pole. His clothes felt cold as he pressed me against him.
Ethan wasted no time in getting me back into bed and my IV organized. “Why do I need this, anyway?” I asked.
He leaned in, bringing his lips very close to mine. “Because according to Fred you were so severely dehydrated you would’ve been admitted to hospital in your condition when I found you.” His eyes were hard and his voice was soft as he told me the brutal truth.
“Oh . . .” I didn’t know how else to respond and was beginning to feel emotions rising up that threatened to overtake my fragile grip on keeping it together. I brought my unfettered hand up to the side of his face and touched him, the stubble of his beard a mixture of soft and rough, well familiar to me by now. Ethan closed his eyes as if he was savoring my touch, and that made me sad. He needed some comfort too.
“You were outside smoking, weren’t you?”
He nodded and I saw something flicker in his eyes like regret and maybe even shame. I felt even worse. He certainly didn’t need my judgment right now. I’d put this poor man through the ringer in the last day and night, and he was still here by my side. He’d come to get me, and told me he loved me, and took care of me when I was sick. He’d done all of that and what had I done? I’d run off in self-pity and gotten myself so ill I would be in a hospital right now if not for Freddy being a licensed physician.
“I’m so sorry . . .” I whispered. “I hurt you again . . . and I’m so, so sorry for doing it.”
“Hush.” He brought his lips to mine and kissed me sweetly, smelling of mint and spice, and letting me know he was still right with me. My rock of strength.
“I’m glad you’re here—I woke up before and saw you sleeping in the chair . . . and then the next time you were gone . . .”
“Where else would I want to be, baby?” He brushed his thumb over my lips.
“Away from me?”
He shook his head slowly. “Never.”
“But I still don’t know what the test says, because I never looked.” I started to crumble.
“Neither do I,” he said right back, smoothing my hair.
“How can you not know?”
“I don’t,” he answered softly. “When I pulled your jeans off you it fell out onto the floor.”
“And you didn’t look at it?” I asked incredulously.
He shook his head and smiled. “Nope. I wanted to wait for you and do it together.”
I flung my arms around his neck and lost it. I tried to be quiet about it at least. Ethan just held me and stroked my back. He really was too good for me and I did honestly wonder what I’d ever done to deserve someone like him.
“Get in bed with me,” I said against his shoulder.
“Are you sure that’s what you want?”
“Yes, I’m sure that’s what I want!” I answered, blubbering through more sappy tears.
Ethan must have liked my answer, because he wasted no time getting ready to join me.
I worked on drying my eyes as Ethan slipped out of his jeans. He kept his boxers on, though. Not that they ever were much of a deterrent when we wanted to be naked, but I don’t think either of us were capable of much more than sleep right now. We were both treading on ground that seemed entirely made of eggshells.
Ethan slipped under the blankets and put his arm beneath me as he did often. I settled on my side and tucked in all along his body so I could rest partially on his chest. My left hand was the one with the IV, which forced me to keep it on top, but I still rubbed circles over his chest through his shirt. I burrowed into him and breathed in his delicious scent.
“You smell so good. I must smell like pig slop.”
“Well, I really couldn’t say, my beauty, because I’ve never been close enough to pig slop to know how it smells.” I could tell he was smirking. “When were you?”
I grinned and mumbled. “It’s metaphorical pig slop I’m talking ab
out, and that works just as well. Even better, probably.”
“I agree with you on that one. I’ll take the metaphorical pig slop over the real stuff any day.” He massaged the back of my neck and teased me. “If you do smell like pig slop then it’s pretty nice, actually. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I fucking love the smell of pig slop.”
It worked. He got me to laugh a little at least and that helped me find the courage to tell him I was ready to face up to what fate had in store for me.
“Ethan?”
“Yeah, baby?”
“How did you know I would go back there—to the mermaid angel?”
“I set up GPS on your mobile a while ago.” His muscles flexed around me a little tighter. “Even though I didn’t like seeing ‘Waterloo’ in that text,” he said, pausing to take a breath, “I’m glad you did what you needed to do.” He kissed my forehead. “And that you had your mobile on you and powered up. I’m going to have to insist you always keep it on you when we are apart. We need to talk about the security again too.”
“Why? What happened?”
He dismissed my questions with more kisses, then murmured a very firm “Later” against my lips.
I could tell he meant business by his tone and let it go. He was right anyway. We had other stuff to deal with first.
“I—I want to look at the test now.”
“Before you do, I need to say something.” Now Ethan was the one who sounded anxious. I could feel him tensing his body and I didn’t like the change one little bit. It scared me what he might say. And if he did say what I feared, then I knew it would be the end of us. There was one thing that I simply couldn’t do. I knew I wouldn’t be able to. I’d had been down that road before and I couldn’t go there again and survive.
“All right. Tell me.” I felt my stomach clench in a bundle of nerves but was determined to listen. I had to know. I closed my eyes.
“Look at me.” He traced his finger all along the side of my face and ended at my lips. “I need you to look me in the eyes for this.”
I opened them to find his full attention focused on me. The intensity of the way he conveyed his needs to me was almost blinding..
“Brynne, I want you to know—no, I need you to believe—that whatever the test reads, it won’t change my feelings. It may not be the plan I had in mind with you, but if it is the path . . . then I’m not veering off it. I know where I want to go and who I want with me.” He put his hand on my belly and held it there. “You. And anyone else we might have made together are coming with me.” His expression showed so much determination, but I could see some vulnerability in his eyes too, almost fear.
His words were so certain, even a little hard. I thought I understood what he was telling me, but wanted to make sure. A flicker of hope started burning inside my heart and I dug deep, deeper than I ever had before, to find the courage to ask him the next part.
“So . . . so you wouldn’t ask me to have an abor—”
“Fuck no!” He cut me off. “I can’t do a termination, Brynne. It would feel wrong to me . . . and I really hope you feel the same.”
I shuddered out a long deep sigh. “Oh, thank God!” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. “Because I know I couldn’t go through with an abortion, even if you demanded one. My mom tried that on me before and it just—it just sent me over the edge. I know I wouldn’t be able to . . .”
He kissed the rest of my response away and then rested his forehead on mine. “Thank you,” he whispered, with soft lips caressing my face.
I just breathed for a bit and let him hold me close up against his body. I needed to take it all in and understand his feelings; and I was so very relieved. “So you would be . . . glad?”
He didn’t even hesitate. “I don’t know if ‘glad’ is a word I would use to describe how I feel about the possibility of us becoming parents, but I do know what my conscience tells me, and if we are pregnant . . . then I guess it was fate for it to happen like this, and we just have to do it.”
Ethan’s eyes looked so blue right then I was sure I could drown in them. “Do you believe in fate?”
He just nodded. No words; instead he offered a gesture that felt more intimate than if he’d spoken it.
“Okay, where is it?”
“Where’s what?”
“My test. It was in my front pocket of my jeans.”
He got a blank look for an instant and then started to laugh. It was pretty uncharacteristic even for Ethan, considering the circumstances.
“What’s so funny?” I demanded.
“I just realized I don’t have it anymore. Freddy knows. He’s the only one who knows the truth.”
“How does he know and not you?”
“Well, he had to go to his clinic to get all the supplies needed for your IV and while he was gone, that’s when I found it had fallen on the floor.” He kissed the side of my temple. “I was just staring at it on the floor when Fred walked in. He asked me if I would look at it. I told him to read it, but not to tell me. And that’s what he did. He looked at the test and then put it in his shirt pocket, I think. He was really focused on getting some fluids into you, and quite frankly so was I. You were completely out of it. You never woke up even when I undressed you. You scared me to death.” He squeezed me a little. “Don’t ever do that again, please.”
“Trust me, I don’t want to feel that sick again, thank you very much. It’s awful . . .” I trailed off, realizing we still were without an answer to a question that really needed one.
“Wait, the second test—” I reminded him.
“Yeah, I was just thinking that myself. I wonder if it’s still downstairs in the powder room.” Ethan sat up in bed and reached for his jeans. “I really hope so for Fred’s sake, because I doubt he’ll appreciate being woken up at two in the morning to give us the first one.”
“Are you going down to see if you can find it?”
“Mmm-hmm,” he said, “I’ve been waiting for hours to know the truth and I don’t want to wait any longer.” He gave me another intense look as he pulled on his pants. “Okay with you?”
I nodded and took another deep breath. “I want to know too.”
He stood up and checked my IV bag before dropping down to kiss me quickly on the lips. “Don’t go anywhere, baby.”
“Oh, I won’t,” I said sarcastically, “I want this out of me.” I indicated to my wrist.
“In the morning, he said. He’ll remove it then.” He smoothed my hair in that gentle and soothing way he had. “The drip is going in very slowly now.” He gave me a really nice smile. I loved seeing it. I loved when Ethan smiled, period. Because it changed his whole face to where he really looked . . . happy.
“I’ll be right here waiting, then.” I nodded.
He lost the smile and got serious again but turned back at the door, in his jeans and bare feet, his hair in disarray from dragging his fingers through it, his beard looking scruffy.
He took my breath away.
♥ Heading down the grand staircase, I was able to take my first relaxed breath in hours. Well, maybe relaxed is not accurate, but the dread that had been crushing me like an anvil on my chest had lifted enough that I could breathe without physical pain.
She was back in the land of the living, for one thing. We were on the same page with unplanned pregnancies for another. The rest of it would have to be dealt with one step at a time.
First step was to find the unused test kit.
It wasn’t in the powder room where I’d last seen it, and that made sense as this house was a working hotel most of the time. Hannah wouldn’t leave something like that out in a room where guests might find it. I hadn’t expected it to still be there anyway.
I hit the kitchen next. I had an idea where she might have put it and went to switch on the lights. The pantry was huge, with one whole wall devoted to nonfood items and supplies for the business. I scanned each shelf, and then bingo, there it was. The box I’d purchased in the Kil
ve chemist’s shop earlier in the day sitting on the shelf with the soaps. I read the package again. “Over 99% accurate” and “As accurate as a doctor’s test” had to mean something, right?
As I went back through to leave the kitchen I passed the shelf with the photograph on it of my mum with Hannah and me. I stopped and picked it up. As I studied the picture, I realized this was the way I imagined her always. Her beauty captured in this photo for the final time before she went away and became something else. I looked at image of me at four, at how I leaned into her and how she was touching me, my hand on her leg, and wondered if I’d ever told her I loved her. I had in my dreams and prayers of course, but wondered if I’d ever said the words to her so she heard them coming from me. There was nobody I could ask, though. Even if there was, I don’t think I could ask them the question. It would be cruel to make my dad or Hannah try to remember something like that.
I thought about where I was headed and what Brynne and I would be doing a few minutes from now, and wished so badly that my mother could have known about us. That I could ring her up and say, “I have some news, Mum, and I hope you’ll be pleased to hear it.”
I brushed my finger over the image of her lovely face and set it back on the shelf, somehow feeling the connection was there and that it was possible for her to know about me. I held that hope close to my heart as I turned out the light and went back upstairs to my girl.
Brynne was sitting up in bed looking beautiful and anxious, and the protective urge that flowed from me was so incredibly intense, it made me pause. And I realized something important. I knew in that moment that anyone who dared to try to hurt her or our potential child would have to kill me first to get to them. Wow. I shrugged it off because it didn’t matter about me, anyway. If anything ever happened to her, I’d be finished.
This was my truth.
“You found it?” she asked in her sweet voice.
I waved the package in front of me as I came forward. “One missing test.”
