by Russo, Jessa
“That’s bullshit. Why would he say something like that to you?”
“He wasn’t telling me so I’d be upset, but there were parts of that night that didn’t make sense, questions I had that he’d never answered. So I asked. And now I know the truth. I was supposed to die that night, Frankie. Not my dad.”
“You? What do you mean?”
“I guess that they hadn’t come here for just your soul. Mine was on the list, too.”
“You’re kidding.”
“No. Toby took me away from the house that night thinking he could protect me if he just changed the plans, changed fate. But it didn’t work. Someone else died in my place.”
“Your dad.”
“Yeah,” I whispered, tears beginning to slip out again.
“It’s not your fault, Ever. You can’t believe that it is. Toby saved you. He kept you alive, and now you have to—”
“Now I have to run, Frankie! Now I’m branded or something, and soul Seekers, or whatever, are after me. And I’m going to die when I’m nineteen anyway, if they don’t find me first, so what does it matter? What was the point in saving me if I’m just going to die this year anyway? What did it even matter?”
“Don’t look at it that way. Your dad would never blame you for his death, and you can’t blame yourself either. You have to let this go.”
I kissed him. He let me. I’d let it go by not talking about it anymore. He could just assume the subject had been dropped. I’d never forgive myself for the simple fact that had I died that day instead of my dad, he’d still be alive, and my mom would have only lost one person she loved.
Now she was about to lose two.
Frankie tangled a hand in my hair and rested the other in the dip between my hip and rib cage, underneath my shirt, skin to skin. His kiss was deep once more, penetrating, as though his mind spun with the concept that I should have died that night.
Maybe he was soaking me in, tasting me, not because I should have died, but because I was going to in the very near future. This kiss felt like possession and goodbye all at once, and I didn’t know how to feel, how to respond, so I just kept kissing him back.
He squeezed my side, his fingers digging hungrily into my flesh, and I wasn’t shy or embarrassed about his grip on my soft stomach. It felt so natural to be with Frankie. So comfortable. So safe.
Briefly, my mind flitted to Toby. I’d never felt quite so natural with him. It was exciting and new, my first real relationship, and there was something dangerous and thrilling always lurking in the shadows. His touch was pure adrenaline to my system.
I squeezed my eyes tighter to the memory of Toby sweeping through my mind all uninvited and unwelcomed. While I’m making out with Frankie. I really am a jerk.
A tap at my window made us both freeze. My eyes popped open wide, as I pulled my mouth away from Frankie’s. His eyes held none of the shock I felt. Instead, I saw anger. His face tightened, the set of his jaw hard.
He knew as well as I did who waited outside my window.
Frankie stood, pushing me not-so-gently aside. He headed to my window and pulled back the curtains. Shit.
Sure enough, Toby stood at my window, eyes wide. The expression on his face was as shocked as Frankie’s was angry. Clearly, he’d not been expecting anyone but me to come to the window, though why Toby was here I had no idea.
Frankie slid the window up. The screen was still missing. I hadn’t realized. I just never got around to replacing it after Toby left.
Toby’s eyes searched the room, landing on me and causing an intense heat to flood my cheeks. What a time for him to show up at my window! Luckily, we were both fully clothed. Not like Toby hadn’t seen it all before, but still—
“What are you doing here? You can’t just knock on her window anymore, Toby.”
Toby looked stunned, though he knew I was with Frankie, so he shouldn’t be shocked to find us together. He also shouldn’t think he could just waltz back into my life and start knocking on my window at night like he used to. It wasn’t okay.
“Hey, I’m…” Toby looked at me as he spoke to Frankie. “I’m sorry, bro. I shouldn’t be here. I just wanted to see if she was doing okay, or…or if she needed anything.” He pulled his eyes away from mine and looked up at Frankie. “I’m sorry, man. I was way out of line in coming here like this.”
“Yeah. You were. You can’t just come back into her life like nothing happened.”
“I know, I—”
“Just go, Toby,” I said. I was annoyed that they were talking about me and my life like I wasn’t even in the room, but I didn’t really have any other words to say. Frankie had pretty much covered the part I would have said already.
And I’d never openly admit to the spark of joy I felt seeing Toby’s face at my window again.
A few moments after Toby disappeared from sight, Frankie walked to the bedroom door. He turned the knob, then paused to look back at me. “You really should talk to your mom, Doll. Think about what she’s going through, not just how shocked you are by all of this.” He sighed, his eyes downcast as he left the room. “Good night, Ever.”
Ihated today.
I’d been awake for all of ten seconds and I already really hated today.
Today was ‘confront mom about not-actually-dead sister’ day for me, as well as ‘leave everyone you love and go into hiding’ day. Both of which totally sucked. Both of which involved conversations with people that I didn’t want to have. I had no idea what my mom would say to me about this huge lie she’d been harboring all my life, and God only knew what Toby would say when I told him I wanted him to collect on my soul’s branding. Or whatever.
I couldn’t see either convo ending very happily, honestly.
On top of what today meant for me, I awoke with this horrible sinking feeling in my gut and a desperate need to see Frankie. Something was off, and it wasn’t just Toby’s unwanted appearance in the middle of our make-out session last night. Though I can’t imagine much else cooling a guy’s sex drive quite as sufficiently as seeing the girl’s ex-boyfriend show up in the middle of making out.
Yes, Ever, this is your life.
I headed into the bathroom to brush my teeth, the sick feeling in my stomach refusing to abate. I’d tossed and turned all night. Hell, my mind tossed and turned all night. Toby and Frankie. Frankie and Toby. I’d become that girl again. I hated that girl. I swear I’d thought I was past all this, but now I wasn’t so sure. Toby’s sudden appearance back in my life had thrown my heart for a loop. Combine that with Frankie’s distance—real or perceived, I hadn’t yet figured out—and I was a regular pinball, bouncing back and forth between the two of them in my mind.
Ugh. Ariadne was right.
What was wrong with me? I had everything I wanted. I finally had Frankie. Toby was a brief part of my past. All subsequent thoughts of him should have remained there as well. I should have been focusing on this time with Frankie. Especially since I only had a limited amount of time until I’d have to tell Toby my plan and leave all of the people I loved behind forever.
And I had to spend part of that time confronting my mom and the plethora of lies she’d been feeding me for the past eighteen years.
I hated this ugly day and my ugly sister.
Okay, fine. Ariadne wasn’t actually ugly, per se, but her heart was. If she even had one. My evil, conniving, merciless half-sister, just might be half-devil on her other side.
Maybe Ted was the devil. Hmm.
When I finished in the bathroom, I headed back into my room, pulling off my sleep shirt as I went. Frankie stood in front of my bed, a suitcase near his feet. His contacts had been replaced with his old, familiar black frames.
“Shit! Frankie!”
His eyes widened at my near-nakedness, and I scrambled to get my shirt back on. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it before, but for whatever reason, maybe just from being startled, we were both shocked by my exposed chest.
“I’m sorry, Doll. I should
have let you know I was in here. The door was open a bit, and I just…”
There was something off about his voice. Holy crap, this was it. Maybe I should sit down. The initial shock of walking out topless slowly dissipated, as a sense of foreboding replaced it. Something was wrong. As much as I’d seen this coming, even before the trip to Mexico, I’d tried to convince myself I imagined the distance in his eyes. My heart crumpled now as I gauged his somber expression.
I briefly wondered if he’d figured out my plan, if he knew I was going to leave him. If he knew I was saying goodbye to him soon so I could let Toby collect on my soul. I’d always joked about Frankie’s ability to follow along with my thoughts, but could he actually do it?
I slowly approached him, somehow knowing as I did so that this would be the last time. What the hell? Where had that thought come from?
He glanced down, and I followed his gaze to the object at his feet. I didn’t need the suitcase to tell me what was coming, though it made its point very well. Sitting next to Frankie’s black Converse, that unassuming navy blue suitcase spoke volumes. It told me everything I needed to know, so I knew what he was going to say before he even said it.
Truthfully, suitcase or no suitcase, I’d known this moment was coming. Maybe I hadn’t admitted it to myself, but deep down I’d known. It’d only been a matter of time.
I think maybe that was why I’d been able to come to my decision so easily in the first place.
Leaving Frankie would be one of the hardest things I’d ever have to do. But if he left me, I’d have that much less to cling to when I went on the run with Toby, and eventually allowed him to turn in my soul for its increased value, instead of someone else.
Frankie was leaving me.
I sighed and leaned into him, wrapping my arms around his waist. He wrapped his long arms around me, pulling me tightly to him, smashing my face into his chest. I loved that chest. He was comfort and love and safety.
Three things I no longer had a use for, really.
“I have to leave for a while, Doll.”
“I know.” The words came out muffled against his white t-shirt.
“I figured you did. I just… I can’t stay here anymore. I shouldn’t have stayed all this time, but you needed me and…and I guess I needed you, too. I finally had you. Could finally hold you and kiss you. Could finally call you mine.” His words were wistful and sad, and my heart clenched in response. “But I don’t think this is where I’m supposed to be.”
“Frankie, I—”
“No, Ever, don’t. Please don’t say anything. I wouldn’t trade these last few months for anything in the world, but I can’t let you talk me into staying. One word from you and I’d probably never leave this house again. I’ve been given a second chance at life, and I stayed here longer than I should have. Even if it was only for a short time, I wouldn’t take it back. And I still love you, Ever, I always will. But—”
“But you don’t love me like that anymore.”
“I don’t really know. I do love you, so much, it’s just…it’s like there’s a piece of me missing. And I think I have to leave to figure out what it is.”
My eyes tingled, the tears I’d been holding in threatening to flow. A sob escaped my lips as I realized we really were saying goodbye. I’d never been without him.
Frankie pulled me even tighter. “Don’t cry, Ever. I love you. I will always love you. But I can’t keep you from following your heart, and I can’t keep myself from my own path either. I have to leave. And I think you know that you have to leave, too. You have to go with Toby. I can’t protect you from all of this.”
I knew he couldn’t, but hearing his words mimic my thoughts made the statement all the more true.
“Where will you go?”
“I’m going to find my dad.”
“Oh. So Chicago, then?” Really far away from me. I don’t know where I’d thought he’d go, but hearing that it would be so far away upset me. But he was right to leave. I hadn’t fully been his since Toby returned. Possibly even before then. I couldn’t tell. And he’d been pulling away from me for a little while now, too.
“Yeah, he’s in Chicago, last I heard. I have an aunt there, so I’ll try her place first. I don’t know. I have to at least try.”
“Are you sure? You don’t have to leave. You can—”
My words were interrupted by his fingers on my chin. He pulled my face up to look me in the eyes and kissed me. His soft lips pressed to mine in a familiar, loving way, though he made no attempt to deepen the kiss, and there was no passion behind it.
I’d been trying to fight it, trying to ignore the feeling, but the distant look in his eyes had been mirroring my own feelings with eerie precision. We’d been each other’s first friends. We’d been each other’s first loves. He would always be the first boy I gave my heart to. The first boy I gave myself to. It would always be Frankie, and no one could take that spot away from him.
He stopped and pulled back, releasing my chin and kissing me quickly on the nose. His smile almost hid his pain, but I’d known Frankie too long for him to hide his emotions from me. And vice versa. Which was what brought us to this point. He’d known all along that my feelings were conflicted because he knew me. And I’d known he was pulling away from me for the same reason.
“I know you better than you know yourself, Doll.” There he goes, reading my thoughts again. He took a long deep breath. “We’ve both tried to ignore this, tried to hold onto the idea that we were meant to be…but I think we both know the truth. You don’t belong with me, Ever. There’s just something that…isn’t there the way it should be.”
I started to shake my head, wanting so badly to argue, even though his words rang true. I hadn’t stopped loving Toby, and I hadn’t stopped loving Frankie, but I could see in his eyes our love was of a different kind. It was forever. It was strong. It would be there always. No doubt. But it wasn’t the kind of love you devote your life to. It wasn’t deeply-rooted passion, or a can’t-live-without-it ache, regardless of how many times we’d been intimate.
I would never stop loving Frankie for who he was to me, who he had always been. He was my life, my childhood, my memories. I couldn’t remember a memory without him in it. You don’t stop loving someone who is that connected to your life story.
“It will always be you, Doll.”
I smiled up at him; his uncanny ability to mirror my thoughts, just one more indication of how in tune we were with each other. It was also what made me realize right then that no matter where life took us, together or apart, Frankie would be in my heart forever, and I in his.
“I love you, Franklyn Davis.”
“I know.”
He kissed me once more on the nose, then grabbed his suitcase. Without another word, he walked out the door. I briefly wondered how he was getting where he was going without a valid ID card or Driver’s License—since he was technically dead—and I thought about running after him and offering him a ride somewhere, but I knew he wouldn’t take it.
I also knew he wouldn’t want to see me again after walking away. We had our goodbye, and that’s what Frankie wanted. I knew him well enough to know that much. I followed him as far as the front door and watched him walk down the street until he was no longer in view.
As my first love walked out of my life, I wondered about our futures. With a countdown on my soul and the decision made to let Toby turn me in, I doubted our paths would ever reconvene.
Would I see him again? Logically, I didn’t think so.
But my heart swelled with a resounding yes.
Sometime later, I remained at the window, though Frankie was long gone. Tears still occasionally flowed, a varied combination of feelings fueling them. I was scared, and sad, and something inside me felt…content. Like everything had fallen into place as it was supposed to. Even though it meant Frankie had to leave, and that broke my heart, I knew it was right.
I knew he’d find his dad—it was what he needed to do—and
I would never keep him from that, so I had to focus on me now, and what I needed to do.
My mom cleared her throat behind me, pulling me out of my thoughts. I guess this meant it was time to confront my demons. Pun intended.
What the hell am I even going to say to her?
I turned to look at her, noticing that her tear-streaked cheeks probably matched mine. She’d been crying—all night long by the look of her swollen eyes. Shit. All of my resolve slipped away after one look at her, and suddenly I was in her arms, crying right along with her. I’d always been such a baby when it came to my mom, especially since my dad’s death, and this time was no exception.
I’d tried to be such a hard-ass, ignoring her all day and night, and here I was, crying in Mommy’s arms.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” Her words were muffled into my hair. The one word held so much—sorry for Frankie’s sudden departure, sorry for the secrets Mom had kept from me, sorry for everything she and I had been through in our lives.
“I know, Mom,” I sobbed, my words muffled as well.
“I’m sorry about Frankie.”
“He’s gone to find his dad,” I told her, in case she wasn’t aware.
“I know, baby. I helped him get travel arrangements taken care of. I also called his Aunt. She’s expecting him.”
“She is?” I wondered how that conversation went.
“Yeah,” my mom said with a smile, “It wasn’t easy, but once she heard the entire story, she believed me. Or at least wanted to. And really, that’s all it takes. Her need for the story to be true made however farfetched it was pale in comparison to the idea that her dead nephew could be coming to see her soon. She’s going to be there waiting for him, and she promised to help him find his dad.”
“Yeah. He’ll need all the help he can get in that department.” I remembered back to my conversations with his dad when I’d tried to convince him Frankie was a ghost in my home. It hadn’t gone well.
“I know, honey. That’s why I had to do what I could to help him, and taking a chance on his aunt, and hoping she had some maternal heartstrings I could pull on—it was the only thing I could think of. Toby helped too, you know.”
