The interview with the Mayhews, husband and wife, went rather more smoothly than Dodger had dared hope, especially since he carefully told them how someone was clearly looking for Simplicity – the kind of person, he said, that he would not like to come knocking at their door.
‘And so,’ he concluded, ‘if you would be so kind, help Miss Simplicity with such packing as she has, help us find a growler and I will take her forthwith to Charlie, where we will be safe enough to discuss the next move. And please, Mrs Mayhew, Mister Mayhew, we will not need a chaperone.’
‘I feel I must object,’ said Mrs Mayhew. ‘It is hardly seemly . . .’
Dodger opened his mouth to answer, but Simplicity stepped forward, gave Mrs Mayhew a kiss and said, ‘Jane, I’m a married woman and I can stand up and say that my husband wants me as a slave or otherwise dead. I will go with Dodger. The choice or blame is mine, and I would not like to think that any harm came to this household because of me.’
They stared at her as one might stare at a dog that has just sung a song, and then suddenly common sense blossomed and Mister Mayhew said, ‘Dear Mrs Sharples, can you please get a cab while you, dear, help our guest – her baggage is rather spartan – and be ready for the coach to come.’
Now it seemed to Dodger that the coach could not come too soon. And indeed when one did rattle up, without any bidding Mister Mayhew pressed a half crown into Dodger’s hand.
‘Well done, sir, very well done!’
When the cab was rattling its way to Fleet Street, Simplicity said, ‘My dear Dodger, why did you rescue me in the rain?’
This bowled him over, but he managed to say, ‘Because I don’t like people who bash up other people who ain’t got anybody to bash back on their behalf. I had too much of that when I was a kid, and besides, you were a girl.’
The tone of her voice changed as she said, ‘In fact, a woman, Dodger. Did you know that I lost my baby?’
This flustered Dodger, who managed, ‘Yes, miss, I mean missus. Very sorry not to have been there earlier.’
‘Dodger, you came out of the drain like a god. Who could have come up any faster?’ And this time the kiss didn’t need to be blown. She delivered it directly, as it were.
Charlie was not at the Chronicle, but inside his office there was a boy, one of the numerous boys employed by the paper to run around with other bits of paper, looking very important as they did so. This one, though, stared at Dodger as if he was the Angel Gabriel and whispered hoarsely, ‘Is it true that you throttled the monster with his own necktie? Oh, can you write down your name on this bit of paper for me, please? I am making a scrapbook.’
Dodger stared at the boy’s slightly grubby face which, like his clothes, made it perfectly clear that this was a building with a lot of ink on the premises. He was at a loss and therefore took refuge in the truth, saying, ‘Look, kid, he was just a very sick old man, right? He thought he was killing dead men who were coming back to haunt him, and I never laid a finger on him, right? I just took the razor off him and the peelers took him away and that is that, do you hear?’
The lad backed away a little, and then said, ‘You are only saying that because you are modest, sir, I am sure. And Mister Dickens says that if you was to turn up here again today, looking for him, you could find him in the Houses of Parliament, on account of the fact that he is doing a bit of court reporting today. Mister Dodger, he said he’d tell the man on the door to let you in if you ask for him, and if there is any trouble to say you’ve come from the Chronicle, and will you sign this piece of paper for me anyway?’ The boy almost pushed a pencil up Dodger’s nostril, so Dodger relented, and the boy got a squiggle and Dodger got the boy’s pencil.
The boy said, ‘I don’t quite know exactly where Mister Charlie will be right now, but you could always ask the peelers.’ He smiled. ‘You can be sure that there will be a lot of them about.’
Ask a peeler! Dodger? But surely that was the old Dodger saying that, he thought. After all, because of two admittedly total misunderstandings he was a hero, at least to some kid with blobs of ink in his hair, and therefore a hero should be able to stand up and talk to a peeler man to man, shouldn’t he? Because a hero would look the peelers directly in the eye and, besides, Simplicity had kissed him, and for another one of the same he would kick a peeler in the arse. All he had to do was keep on the square, life would get better, and it might be better still if he could enlist the help of Mister Dickens.
He looked at Simplicity and said, ‘Sorry, but it looks like we’ve got another journey to make.’
Then there was nothing for it but to pick up another growler amongst the plenty outside and head for Parliament Square.
CHAPTER 9
Dodger takes a cut-throat razor to Parliament, and meets a man who wants to be on the right side
THE MEN WHO guarded what was left of the Houses of Parliament, in uniform or otherwise, were not very happy about letting them in, possibly because they could be French spies, or even Russian ones. Dodger wasn’t either, but instead of telling them to go to blazes, which he would have done once upon a time before he had Simplicity hanging on his arm, he simply stood there, making himself look as tall as he could, and said, ‘I am Mister Dodger and I am here to see Mister Charlie Dickens.’
This caused a certain amount of chuckling, but he stood straight and stared at them and then somebody said, ‘Dodger? Isn’t he the man who wrestled the Demon Barber to the ground this morning, right down there in Fleet Street?’ The first man who had spoken came closer and said, ‘Yes, the peelers were frightened to go in there, so people say! I heard that people have already subscribed nearly ten guineas for him!’
Now there was another crowd, and the only thing Dodger could do was to keep saying, ‘I am here to see Mister Dickens on a very important matter.’ Then he told himself that all he would have to do would be to hang on, stand up, shake the hands that were proffered, nod and smile and wait until somebody came back with Charlie.
That worked, and a man – a very smart, very dapper man – suddenly appeared and said, with withering scorn, ‘If this is the Hero – twice the Hero of Fleet Street according to the newspapers – then what kind of service are we giving him when he comes to see us, yes, what do you think?’
There was a kind of little hum on that last ‘think’, and people started clapping and a couple of them said things like, ‘Well said, Mister Disraeli, well done; where are our manners, after all?’ And finally one of them said, ‘Well, I don’t know about you, gentlemen, but it seems to me that a hero like that is just the kind of person to have that dreadful cut-throat razor about his person even now!’ A statement which made Dodger’s heart whine as his mind flashed through images of the repercussions of being caught with it, until the very man who had said that burst out laughing, and added, ‘The very thought, indeed.’
‘The very thought,’ Dodger murmured in response, matching the man’s laugh with one of his own.
And that was how Dodger and Simplicity got into Parliament, indeed with the cut-throat razor – and with a lie, which was fine, considering that’s how so many people got into Parliament. Dodger still wasn’t quite sure why he had taken Mr Todd’s razor in all the confusion, but he had a feeling that the best place for it to be right now was close to him. Anyway, before he could do anything about it, Mister Dickens was called for and arrived shortly afterwards, taking good care to shake Dodger very theatrically by the hand and then looking at Simplicity and saying, ‘You are surely not the young lady I last saw fair beaten up three nights ago?’ Then he said that he had urgent business with the young cavalier, whatever that meant.
They were escorted along carpeted halls and poured into a small room with a table in it. While Dickens was sorting out chairs and getting Simplicity settled, Dodger kept his eye on Mister Disraeli. He reminded Dodger somewhat of a much younger Solomon, and he also looked like a cat who had found a saucer of milk and had enjoyed every last bit. He was, yes, that was it: he was a dodger –
not a dodger like Dodger, but another kind of dodger, and it took one to know one. He looked sharp as a knife, but probably the knife was his tongue; he was that kind of bloke – a smart person, but a definite geezer.
He looked at Disraeli and caught his eye, and Mister Disraeli winked – a tribute from one dodger to another dodger, perhaps. Dodger let himself smile, but didn’t wink back, because a young man could get into trouble winking at gentlemen, and up until then this place – all these statues, all these soundless carpets, all these pictures on the walls of elderly men with white hair and an expression of acute constipation – had been preying on his nerves, pushing him away, telling him he was small, insignificant, a worm. That wink had broken the spell and told him that this place was just another rookery: bigger, warmer, certainly richer, definitely better fed to judge by the stomachs and the redness of the noses, but after that wink just another street where people jostled for advantage and power and a better life for themselves if not for everybody else.
Dodger couldn’t stop grinning as he clutched this thought to himself, like a magic ring that gave you power and no one knew you had it. Then after this high came the low; this rookery was full of words, the place was full of books, and right now he could find no words at all.
At this moment there was a hand on his shoulder and Charlie said, ‘We, my friend, well, we have business to attend to. You can speak freely to me in front of my good friend Mister Disraeli, an up-and-coming politician of whom we have great hopes and who is aware of the certain current problem that we have. How are you, by the way? Would you like some refreshments?’ As Dodger struggled for words, Simplicity nodded her head politely and Charlie walked over to the door and pressed a bell pull. Almost immediately a man came in, had a whispered conversation with Charlie and went out again.
Charlie sat down in a big comfy chair, and so did Disraeli. Disraeli fascinated Dodger; there was no two ways about it. Dodger didn’t know the word ‘insinuated’, but he knew the thought, and Mister Disraeli insinuated himself, in some way never leaving anywhere until he was entirely somewhere else, whereupon he instantly became everywhere. This, of course, would make him dangerous, thought Dodger, and then he remembered what it was he had stuffed up his shirt.
With the servant off fetching drinks, Charlie said, ‘For heaven’s sake, sit down, young man, the chairs don’t bite! I am extremely glad to see that our young lady is progressing slowly but surely, which is very good news.’
Disraeli said, ‘Excuse me, but who exactly is the young lady? Is she . . .? Would someone please introduce me?’
He rose to his feet and Charlie stood up and piloted Disraeli towards Simplicity, saying, ‘Miss . . . Simplicity, may I introduce Mister Benjamin Disraeli.’
Dodger watched this from the edge of his seat with a certain incredulity. You never did things like that in Seven Dials. Then Charlie said, ‘Ben, Miss Simplicity is the lady who has been discussed.’
And, very sweetly, Simplicity said, ‘What has been discussed about me, pray?’
Dodger almost leaped back to his feet, ready to defend Simplicity if necessary, but quite sharply Charlie said, ‘Sit back down, Dodger. Best if you let me handle this, if you don’t mind, but feel free to break in.’ He looked across to Simplicity and said, ‘May I say that you can do the same.’ He cleared his throat and said, ‘The facts of the matter, as understood here in England, are that you lived out of the country with your mother – an English teacher, we believe, working abroad. Following her sad demise, sometime in the recent past you went through a form of marriage with a prince from one of the Germanys.’ Charlie looked at the girl as if fearing an explosion, but she just nodded so he continued, ‘We also understand that a short time later, you, miss, fled the country and landed up here in England – where we understand your mother was born.’
Glaring at him, Simplicity said, ‘Yes. And I left, gentlemen, because my husband became, as soon as we were married, a snivelling wretch of a man. He even tried to put the blame for our so-called marriage onto me, a trick, as you gentlemen must know, which is as old as Eden.’
Dodger looked at Disraeli, who had turned his eyes up to Heaven. Even Charlie himself seemed somewhat awkward, saying nothing more about that, but continuing, ‘Subsequently, we have learned by means which I shall not disclose here that two farm workers who were witness to the marriage have been found dead, and the priest who conducted the ceremony apparently lost his footing one day while inspecting the roof of his church and plunged to his death.’
Her face pale, Simplicity said, ‘That would be Father Jacob, a decent man, and I would say not a man who easily falls off roofs. The witnesses were Heinrich and Gerta. I was told about them by the maid who brought my meals. You seem, sir, to be lost for words, but I suspect that what you are going to try to tell me now in your long-winded British way is that my husband wants his wife back. Apart from the priest, Heinrich and Gerta were the only people who had knowledge of our wedding and I know they are gone. Now this’ – she slipped off her ring and held it up – ‘is the only evidence of the marriage. I believe, sir, that what you are trying to tell me is that my husband – that is to say, his father – wants to see this ring back, come what may.’
Glances passed between Disraeli and Charlie, and Disraeli said, ‘Yes, madam, so we understand.’
‘But you see, sir, there is more evidence of the marriage. That, sir, is myself. But I will not go back there because I know full well that I could simply vanish. And that is if I even survived the journey – a journey by boat, gentlemen. Because, you see, if I am now the only evidence left, how difficult would it be for me to disappear along with the other evidence?’
She slipped the ring back on her finger and glared at them. ‘Two very nice people here in England, gentlemen,’ she continued, ‘not knowing my real name, called me “Simplicity”, but I am rather more complicated. I know that my father-in-law got very angry when he found that his son and heir had married, he said for love, a girl who was not even fit to be a lady-in-waiting, let alone a princess. Well, sirs, that’s what the fairy tales tell us, and I had thought I was in a fairy tale when I first met my husband. But in truth, I have learned that princes and princesses in the politics of Europe have a certain value when it comes to matters of state. People feel somehow that because “our” princess has married “your” prince, then two countries that were likely to wage war on each other now might not do so. And my vain and stupid husband – and my stupid self for believing him – ruined a perfectly good opportunity for bargaining flesh for a treaty.’
Dodger was staring at Simplicity with his mouth open. A princess!? You had to be a knight or something even to rescue one, didn’t you? Charlie and Disraeli shuffled uncomfortably in their seats. And at this moment there was a discreet knock on the door and a man appeared with cups of coffee and plates of small cakes.
‘I believe, sir,’ Simplicity continued when they were alone once more, ‘that I am what is called “a displaced person”, and that there are those who wish me harm in this country. They have twice tried to abduct me since my arrival in England and it is only thanks to Dodger and, I believe, to you, Mister Dickens, that I am here today and not on some boat back to my husband. My mother, who – yes – was English, said that in England everybody is free. I would be very happy to stay here, sir, though even here I fear for my safety now I appear to be a person of some value. But if I should go back, I dread what might befall me. I am at a loss, gentlemen – safe nowhere. Not even in England, where no man, I am told, can be a slave. I trust, gentlemen, that this applies to ladies as well.’
Charlie walked over and leaned on a mantelpiece and said, ‘What do you think about this, Ben?’
Mister Disraeli looked like a man after someone had thrown a very large rock at his head and seemed, if only for a little while, at a loss for words. Finally he managed, ‘Well, madam, I am very sorry to hear of your situation but we, that is to say the British government, have been assured that if you go back y
ou won’t be harmed.’
At this point Dodger rose out of his chair at speed and said, ‘Would you trust them? Besides, not being harmed is one thing, being locked up where no one can see you is something else. I mean, you coves know about words. There’s a lot of bad things lurking around “won’t be harmed”.’
‘But how,’ said Disraeli, ‘could we be expected to guarantee Miss Simplicity’s safety while she remains on our shores? We all understand how neither the government of which we speak nor our own can be seen to be . . . interfering in this matter. But this does not mean that either party might not consider employing others to, let us say, act on their behalf. Now if Miss Simplicity should suffer harm whilst in our country, it might not bode well for . . . affairs between the two governments.’ He swallowed, as though fearing he had said too much.
Dodger turned to Charlie. ‘That, sir, is why I – I mean, we – have taken the liberty of removing Simplicity from the house of Mister and Mrs Mayhew, kind though they have been to her, simply so that no harm befalls them. Whoever the people looking for Simplicity are, I don’t think they’re very nice. And you can trust me, sir, not to give up on this. If I can find those villains what treated her so cruel and make them pay, she won’t have to go back, will she? I can protect her.’
Mister Disraeli squirmed a little in his chair and looked knowingly over at Charlie before replying, ‘Well, you see, my dear sir, it is all rather complicated. Right now the government of which we speak is demanding the return of this lady, who is, after all, married and therefore the rightful property of her husband. There are indeed people, even here, who think it quite sensible to send her back for the sake of peace between nations.’ He saw Dodger open his mouth to protest. ‘Mister Dodger, be aware that we have had enough of wars lately – I believe you know this rather well after your run-in with our Mister Todd – and all too many of them started over trivial things. I am sure you can see why this matter is so difficult.’
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