by Nikki Logan
‘And what do you do then?’
‘I just navigate my way through it.’
‘You don’t ever want to just offload on someone? Share the burdens of life?’
Oh, my God...did she ever. She used to do that with her mum. ‘That would be a bad reason to commence a relationship. Just to have someone to decompress with.’
His lips twisted. ‘There are worse reasons.’
‘What do you know about sharing?’ she asked, her curiosity well and truly piqued by the strangeness of his expression. ‘You’re the most island-like of men that I know.’
‘We were talking about you.’
‘We might as well have been talking about you; we’re quite similar,’ she mused.
Without warning, he reached out and caressed a single lock of her hair with his index finger. Tash forced herself not to flinch. ‘We are. I’ve noticed that. Not in the detail, but in the essential things.’
There’s a reason we’re so similar, she wanted to scream. Instead, she leaned forward and placed her glass on the small table in front of their sofa, subtly dislodging his touch. Or at least effectively. ‘I have my aunt Karen. And friends.’
‘You have friends?’
Her laugh was immediate. ‘Of course I do. Did you imagine I just inflate a few minutes before you walk in the room? I have a lot of art friends, and a couple of school friends I’m still close to.’
‘Why don’t you ever talk about them?’
‘Because we don’t talk about ordinary things like friends. We only talk about safe things.’ Or dangerous things.
‘We talked tonight.’
Yes, and the timing was exquisite irony. ‘Even that had an agenda.’
‘What agenda?’
‘You’re buttering me up. Making up for bringing me out this evening.’
‘From your deathbed?’
‘Okay, I possibly wasn’t as sick as I made out, but this has hardly been casual conversation. Are you trying to lull me into a false sense of security?’
His eyes grew serious. ‘I’m trying to get to know you, Tash.’
‘In Braille?’ He had to know all that touching was getting heavy-handed.
A tiny splotch of red appeared halfway up his tanned throat. ‘Was it that bad?’
‘It’s not bad.’ Though it couldn’t be good, now. ‘It’s just obvious.’
‘I confess I’m not usually in this position.’ The words were grudging and Tash got the sense that they’d never crossed his lips before. ‘Having to work at keeping the conversation going. The women I date usually take care of the chat. Or they just don’t bother.’
Her chest squeezed. ‘Is this a date?’
‘I don’t know what this is. It’s a mystery.’
It grew impossible to remember the difference between the two folders. ‘A pleasing mystery or a count-the-minutes-until-it’s-over mystery?’ she breathed, hypnotised by the way his eyes turned smoky.
‘Do you see me looking at my watch?’
‘Consider me an education, then. Maybe this is how the real people do it.’
‘As opposed to the fake people?’
‘You’re not fake, you just don’t move on the same plane as everyone else. Or by the same rules.’
‘And you don’t like that?’
She couldn’t afford to. ‘I do like that, actually. But I don’t trust it.’
‘You mean you don’t trust me.’
‘I don’t trust anyone.’
‘Why not?’
‘Experience. But I trust you more than most, so that’s something.’
‘You trusted me the other day, lying on the edge of the water.’
It was impossible not to be honest with him. Despite the ‘other’ folder. That day was one of the nicest she’d had in ages. ‘I saw the real you that day.’
‘Did you like what you saw?’
It was there, sheltering right at the back of his eyes behind all the arrogance.
Uncertainty.
But she wasn’t about to kick a man on his way to being down. Besides, hope had a place in both folders. And she was the first to acknowledge that even the perpetually positive had their demons. ‘You are an amazing man, Aiden Moore. Handsome and rich and available.’ Until the next sure thing came along. ‘I’d be a fool not to recognise it.’
His eyes narrowed.
‘But I like you best when you’re not trying so hard. When I don’t feel like part of the latest angle you’re playing. Or, worse, part of some kind of set-up I don’t yet understand.’
His long, silent stare graduated into a slow, appreciative nod. ‘I’m amazed Jardine came away able to function at all. I would have expected that kind of insight to neuter a man like him.’
Her breath twisted into a painful ball in her chest. But he saw the flare of her nostrils and hurried to continue. ‘Don’t get me wrong. That’s very definitely his failing, not yours. You’ve said nothing that isn’t true—to my shame—and you said it very carefully. But it’s not an easy thing being so transparent when you’re more accustomed to obsequiousness.’
Tash curled her fingers into her lap. ‘If I had such great insight then I should know what this play is.’ But she didn’t. What was he doing now? ‘I can’t read you.’
‘Maybe because I’m being genuine. I was playing you this evening. I wanted to stroke you into submission, ease the nerves I assumed you were feeling.’
‘Feeling about what?’
‘About us. Tonight. About where we were going. But that was just wishful thinking on my part. We weren’t going there at all, were we?’
She stared at him and gave two answers. One for each folder.
‘No. But that’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed your company or our conversation.’ That was for the potential brother she didn’t want to wound. ‘And it’s not to say I mightn’t have chosen differently earlier in the week.’ And that was because she had to be true to herself. Although she protected herself by being safely cryptic.
‘You want the bad news?’ Aiden said after a long, awkward silence. Tash shrugged. ‘This candour isn’t making me want you any less.’
He couldn’t want her. It was that simple. If—no, when!—he found out why, he’d look back at all these moments with humiliated fury. But he didn’t have to remember her making it worse. Or making a scene.
She flattened her skirt and stood decisively. ‘Apparently unattainability is part of my charm.’
He joined her on his feet. ‘You think you’re charming? That’s sweet.’
It was still flirting, but everything had shifted gear these past few minutes. Into safer territory. As if the shark were increasing the diameter of its circles. Giving her room to breathe. Respectful, kind room.
‘You know what else is sweet?’ he murmured, guiding her to rejoin the other guests.
She cast him a curious look.
‘You think this is over, too.’
This was over. It had to be. Otherwise the hurt was going to be too profound.
Tash glanced at her watch. Ten o’clock. She spun on him. ‘You said your father got back today?’
‘Back at work Monday.’
‘We need to see him.’
That stopped him in his tracks. ‘What?’
‘We need to speak with your father. Now.’
‘Why?’
‘When we speak to him, you’ll understand. This has gone on long enough.’ She gathered her handbag closer to her—like armour—shaking but determined. ‘Can you call him?’
‘Are you okay, Tash? You’ve lost all your colour. Please don’t tell me you were sick all along....’
‘I’m fine.’
‘Maybe I should take you home—’
�
��Call your father, Aiden. Get him to meet us at MooreCo.’ The offices would be abandoned this time on a Friday night. They’d have total privacy.
He reached for his phone. ‘Tash. What’s going on?’
‘I’ll explain when we get there.’ She took his arm a smidge more forcefully than she meant and steered him towards the door. ‘Come on.’
Time to end this.
TEN
‘I’m what?’
Aiden’s incredulous rasp cut across the top of Nathaniel’s astonished gasp. ‘Tash—’
‘Half-brother, really,’ she rushed, holding Aiden’s blue eyes. It was hard to tell which man was the palest.
‘Natasha—’ Nathaniel croaked.
She turned to him. ‘I’m sorry if this makes things more difficult for you, Nathaniel. But he had to know.’
Nathaniel’s eyes dropped and he murmured, ‘Oh, God...’
‘Do you have any idea what it was like for me, growing up with him?’ she begged, unable to hold it in any longer. ‘Believing my own father hated me?’ Yet that thought was painfully validating. She’d never believed that a true father could possibly loathe his own offspring. It had to be biologically impossible. ‘And all along...’
She didn’t need to finish. She needed to stop talking, let the men process.
Aiden’s horrified stare moved between the two of them, but his accusations finally landed on his father. ‘Your affair started before I was even born?’
Tash’s breath puffed out of her in an angry hiss. ‘Seriously? That’s what you’re taking from this?’
I’m your sister!
‘It wasn’t an affair then,’ Nathaniel defended, his focus entirely on Aiden.
‘Semantics,’ Aiden barked.
Nathaniel’s mouth flattened in a way that was so like his son’s. ‘No. Not when you’re casting judgement as you are. Your mother and I had parted when I got back together with Adele.’
‘After you got Mum pregnant?’
‘Yes, as it turns out.’
‘And then you got Porter pregnant, too?’ Aiden cut in.
Nathaniel paused, and then turned to Tash, his eyes full of grief. ‘No.’
‘Yes!’
He curled a creased hand around her wrist and just held it. As if his skin over her pulse would help lessen the impact of what he was saying. ‘No, Tash. I am not your father.’
Grief such as she hadn’t felt since losing her mother welled up and voiced in her croak. ‘Yes...you are.’
He didn’t deny it again, he just slid his fingers lower, to thread through hers.
‘You were together,’ she wobbled. ‘You slept with Laura to get back at Mum. You were angry at her.’
Aiden’s gasp was audible. ‘Is that true?’ He came around to Tash’s other side so he could see his father’s face.
Nathaniel’s eyes fell shut. ‘It’s true. Adele and I had fought and I went with Laura to get back at her. To make a point.’
Aiden’s entire body froze up.
‘But then you were with her again,’ Tash urged. ‘After Laura.’
‘Yes, but we never...’ Nathaniel took a long deep breath. ‘We were never together, Tash. Physically.’
Aiden snorted.
Nathaniel rounded on him. ‘Well might you scoff, Aiden. With the choices you make and the women you seek out, it wouldn’t occur to you that two people could be desperately in love and never consummate it.’
‘Bull.’
‘Not everyone lives their life quite as fast as you do, son.’ Then he turned away again, dismissing his own flesh, and focused on Tash. ‘Your mother was wild and crazy in some ways, but she was traditional in one way that really counted.’
‘You never slept together?’ Tash croaked.
‘It’s why we broke up in the first place.’
Tash lifted her lashes. Her eyes burned with unshed tears. ‘Because she wouldn’t sleep with you?’
Shame etched into his handsome features. ‘I was young. Stupid. And I made a beeline for the first person I knew would. To hurt Adele as much as I was hurting.’
‘You son of a bitch.’ The insult spewed from Aiden and Nathaniel spun on him again.
‘You know what, son? I’ve lived with your judgement for twenty years. From the moment you got old enough to form an opinion, you’ve held one of me—a bad one—without knowing any of the facts. I’ve let that ride because you didn’t have the facts and because I could see how much validation you got from being your mother’s champion and how much of her world revolved around your good opinion. But I’ve more than done my time. I walked away from the woman I loved to do the right thing by your mother when I got her pregnant. I stood by her even knowing that she—’
The sudden silence drew Tash’s eyes up again.
‘Even knowing what?’
Nathaniel’s lips pressed impossibly harder. ‘Even knowing that I’d never see Adele again.’
‘Why did you?’
‘Because whatever I chose I was going to ruin someone’s life. It might as well have been my own.’
Aiden blanched as pale as the ivory trim of his expensive tie. He flopped into the nearest chair. ‘Right.’
‘No,’ Nathaniel sighed, seeing immediately which way Aiden’s mind was going. ‘I never blamed you and I never felt that way about you. I had a son, the only consolation in an otherwise miserable period. But choosing your mother over Adele had nothing to do with my feelings for her and everything to do with penance for what a bastard I’d been, pressuring Adele for more than she was ready for.’
‘Does Laura know?’ Tash whispered, her first pang of sympathy for her mother’s rival.
‘She knew in her heart at the time. And she knew for sure after...’ His eyes found the horizon out of the window. ‘But I’d never fully committed to her until the truth was exposed.’
‘Why didn’t you go with Mum when she was finally free?’
His hands rose to his side and then fell, defeated. ‘Because I’d committed to Laura. And I realised I’d kept her in stasis for eight years. I couldn’t then abandon her.’
‘A bit late for chivalry, wasn’t it?’ Aiden snorted, and his father locked eyes with him.
‘I chose your mother, Aiden. Freely. Twice. But I will not lie to you that I loved her the way I loved Tash’s mother. Adele Porter was—and will always be—my heart.’
Nathaniel’s voice cracked and Tash’s tears spilled over. It took them both a moment to get their emotion under control.
‘Think it through, Tash,’ Nathaniel said gently, stroking her hair. ‘Adele would have told you, if she thought you were mine. Before she died. Wouldn’t she?’
The sense of that filtered through her confusion. Yeah. She would have. She had a long, lingering death to share the most important information in the world. A detail like that would certainly have qualified.
But she wasn’t ready to nod. Not just yet. She was still grieving.
‘I would be the proudest man on earth to say I was the father to two such amazing children and I would have given anything to know that my child was growing in Adele’s body. And to have saved you the misery of your childhood with Eric.’ He bent to engage her lowered eyes. ‘But I give you my absolute word, we never had sex and so you cannot be mine.’
There really was no doubt in his tone. No room for misunderstanding. But still she hoped in a tiny voice, ‘But we’re so similar.’
‘We are. I’ve noticed it too. I wonder whether it’s your mother’s traits you have and maybe she picked some of them up from me all those years ago.’
‘I have your eyes.’ Desperation was such a terrible optimist.
His laugh was gentle. ‘You have brown eyes, Tash. Along with half the planet. Including your aunt Karen, if
I remember rightly.’
She made a desperate, final-ditch plea. ‘You warned me off Aiden...’
‘Because he’s so damaged—’
‘Hey!’ Aiden’s head snapped up from where he was lost in the plush carpet at their feet.
‘I would give my life for yours, son, but you’re the product of my dysfunctional relationship with your mother. You learned your values about love and trust from a very imperfect example. I see the legacy of that every single day.’
Aiden’s nostrils flared, but respect kept him silent.
‘I so wanted to be your daughter,’ Tash whispered.
He turned back to her. Pulled her to him, right up into his shoulder, and murmured, ‘I know.’
‘But I was torn,’ she whispered against his ear. ‘Because of Aiden.’
His arms tightened. ‘Please be careful, Tash.’
She let his words sink in. She thought back to her own family, how much damage her parents’ dysfunctional relationship had done. But how much more might have been done if they had stayed together. And Aiden had grown up in that environment. Long, impressionable years. Empathy washed through her.
She pulled back. ‘Thank you for validating her,’ she murmured.
‘I wish it could have been more.’
Aiden pushed to his feet. ‘I need to...some air. I’m going home.’
‘You’re my ride,’ she stammered, needing escape but needing to not be alone just yet. And more than a little bit worried for Aiden. This was all a massive shock to him, once again.
‘I’ll work with Max to cover your appointments,’ Nathaniel volunteered, concerned brown eyes on his son. ‘Take a few days off.’
Aiden spun back and if he was going to say something sharper, he changed his mind. ‘Thank you,’ he simply murmured instead.
‘You’re welcome.’
God, so painfully polite. She thought back to all those altercations with her cold, cutting father the few times she’d had to see him as an adult. Moments rather like this one.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked Aiden as they waited for the elevator, wanting to touch him but not daring.
He didn’t even look at her. ‘My head feels like it’s going to explode.’
