by Croix, J. H.
Jared’s truck pulled into the driveway. As he walked to the deck, she soaked in the sight of him. His black curls were windblown. His stride long and loose. He wore faded black jeans and a t-shirt, practically a uniform for him. The way they molded to his fit body started a fluttery heat in her belly and moisture between her thighs. His teeth flashed in a grin, his dimple winking at her. He walked up to her side and leaned over to kiss her. Just a quick kiss and her heart started pounding so hard she was surprised he couldn’t hear it.
“Hey,” he said simply.
“Hey yourself.”
He leaned against the railing and looked out at the view. When he turned back, his green eyes locked on hers. He looked serious, which made her nervous.
He started to speak and paused. He cleared his throat. “I told Luke and Hannah about us. Before you get pissed at me about it, I was looking for advice. I don’t know what’s happening here, but I don’t want it to stop. But I have no idea what you want…”
“How come you didn’t ask me?” she asked, irritation flaring.
He threw his hands up. “I’m asking you now, okay? Look, we’ve been friends for a few years now. It’s not like you don’t know that I didn’t plan on having a relationship. But…” he paused, his face reddening “…I’m not so sure anymore. I’m not ready to put the brakes on this, but we haven’t really talked at all.”
When he paused for a breath, she opened her mouth, but he held his hand up. “Let me finish.”
She bit her lip and leaned back in her chair.
His eyes traveled over her face, searching for what she didn’t know. He looked so serious. Anxiety beat its wings in her chest.
“I don’t know how to say this without it being awkward, so I’ll just say it. Something happened and I don’t know what it is. It has something to do with why you’ve never dated ever since I’ve known you and why you were a virgin. Before you go thinking I care about whether or not you were experienced, I don’t. I was confused because you didn’t bother to tell me. If you’re wondering, proposing a one-night stand creates a different impression. Something doesn’t fit. And if you’re gonna let me be the guy who takes your virginity and claim it was an accident, you could at least explain a little more.”
Susie’s heart was about to fly out of her chest and her head hurt. She did not want to explain this to Jared. But she knew he would keep asking. She wondered if he’d tried to talk to Hannah. “Did you ask Hannah about this?”
Jared nodded. “Don’t go thinking she gave anything away. She told me to talk to you. She was downright bossy about it, so I figured I might as well.”
Susie nodded and sighed. Of course, Hannah didn’t say anything. Susie knew if she didn’t tell Jared the whole story, Hannah would also tell her she needed to tell the truth. Though she’d convinced herself it didn’t matter, she figured she might as well spit it out. Jared definitely had a stubborn streak, so he’d keep asking.
Par for the course, she decided blurting it out was the quickest way. “Not long after you guys moved here, I almost got date raped…” She paused long enough to gauge Jared’s reaction thus far. His eyes were dark and focused intently on her. A muscle ticked in his jaw, but he was silent. “It was in Anchorage. I met some guy at a bar. He must have slipped something in my drink. Next thing I knew, I woke up and he was on top of me trying to take my clothes off. That’s as far as it went. I might have been out of it, but I was pissed.” The memory made her anxious, her throat was tight, tension slid stealthily through every muscle. She gave herself a shake to break it. “He took off with a few scratches and bruises, leaving me with a few myself. Before then, I’d decided it was high time to get rid of the whole virginity thing. But I’m kind of picky. After that, I don’t know. I haven’t dated anyone since. I suppose trust might be a bit of an issue.”
Jared’s eyes remained trained on her. His hand was curled on the edge of the railing. His fingers clenched the railing so tightly his knuckles were white. His shoulders rose and fell with a measured breath. “Do you have the asshole’s name?” he asked, his voice dark and low.
“Tim. That’s it. I don’t have his last name. I’d just met him at the bar. I don’t even remember leaving.” Her pulse pounded in her ears. “Jared, I’m fine. It was almost four years ago. He didn’t actually rape me. He just tried.”
“Susie, the guy drugged you. I don’t care if he didn’t actually rape you, attempted rape is kind of a big deal, not to mention that he definitely assaulted you.”
Susie wasn’t sure what she’d expected, but this protectiveness from Jared was definitely not it. As exposed as she felt telling him this, it was strangely comforting to sense his concern for her. She searched his face. His eyes were dark, his mouth tight, his hand still clenched on the railing. She stood up from her chair and walked to the railing, leaning against it beside him.
“I’m not saying what he did was okay. But it was years ago, and there’s nothing to do about it now. He was from out of state, just another tourist. We can’t do anything with a first name, so let it go. I have.”
“You can’t act like this had no effect on you. You haven’t dated anyone since then. You’ve practically lived like a nun. There’s got to be something you can do about it. Did you talk to the cops? I can call Darren and ask him about it.”
Susie’s throat was tight, and emotion welled inside. Jared’s wish to make this right meant so much, she was utterly overwhelmed. She shook her head and turned to face him, knuckling tears out of her eyes. “It means a lot to me that you want to fix this. But it’s not worth it to me. Even if, and that’s a huge if, we could track Tim down, it would be my word against his about something that almost happened. I may not have talked much about it, but I did look into it. This kind of thing almost never leads to any kind of legal charges. Dredging it up this many years later won’t go anywhere, and it will make me miserable.”
Jared looked skeptical though the tight lines around his mouth eased, if only a little bit. He lifted his hand from the railing and brushed a few loose curls away from her cheek, tucking them behind her ear. The gesture was unexpected and so intimate it shot straight through to her heart.
“Are you going to get mad at me if I look into it myself?” he asked softly.
Susie thought about it for a long moment and shook her head. “Not as long as you don’t mention my name. Hannah knows about it, and she probably mentioned it to Luke, but I’d prefer not to tell the free world.”
Jared nodded slowly. “Okay. No names.”
He grasped her hand and tugged her in front of him, pulling her into his arms. During their brief conversation, weariness had fallen over her. She leaned into his embrace, resting her head against his shoulder with a sigh. One of his hands threaded into her curls while the other moved in slow circles on her back. They stayed like that for several long moments. She felt relieved and vulnerable at once.
The sound of Jasmine’s purring made her giggle. Jared leaned back, and she lifted her head to look at him. “It’s Jasmine, can’t you hear her?”
He glanced to where Jasmine had sidled over and was rubbing her head against his side. He chuckled. “Hard not to.”
Jared met her eyes again. His gaze had softened, the hard edge gone. Her stomach growled. “Dinner?”
Susie nodded and stepped out of his embrace, missing the warmth and certainty immediately. As she walked into the house, she remembered that she’d planned to tell Jared they needed to end whatever it was they were doing. But she couldn’t bring herself to, not right now.
***
Susie awoke with Jared curled beside her, his arm thrown across her waist. His breathing was slow and even. Sun splashed across the bed. She’d forgotten to close the shades last night. She lay still, savoring the feel of Jared’s body against hers. A soft breeze coasted through the window, ruffling the edge of the sheet. The quiet was broken by magpies chattering outside. Jared shifted and rolled away from her. She glanced
at the clock. It wasn’t quite six yet. She silently cheered. Jared hadn’t overslept, which meant he wouldn’t be grumbling about being behind schedule.
She thought back to last night. It had been a simple night. After she’d blurted out what happened, Jared hadn’t brought it up again. He’d insisted on making dinner, which consisted of grilled salmon burgers. They’d watched television afterwards. It was the first night they’d spent together when they didn’t have sex. It had been…comfortable. Now in the bright light of morning, the anxiety she’d kept at bay fluttered inside. She felt vulnerable and exposed. Jared was starting to see parts of her she didn’t want anyone to see. Much less a man who elicited feelings she’d never experienced before. Even contemplating what it meant hiked her anxiety. She liked to feel in control, and it seemed every day her control on her own emotions floated further and further away. Restless, she rolled over and climbed out of bed.
One hot shower later, she toweled off and slipped her robe on. When she turned to leave the bathroom, Jared was leaning inside the door. His curls were tousled, his green eyes sleepy. Even rumpled with sleep, he set sparks alight in her. His boxers hung low on his hips. His sculpted body was a sight to behold. He ran his hand through his hair and tugged her into a sleepy embrace.
“You beat me out of bed,” he mumbled into her hair. She could feel his grin against her curls.
She leaned back and looked up at him. “I usually get up early, but you’ve been keeping me up too late so you haven’t noticed it yet,” she said with a shrug and a smile. “Coffee?”
Jared nodded, his arms falling as he stepped to the shower and kicked his boxers off. She forced herself to turn and walk downstairs.
Later that day, Susie pulled up at Glacier Pizza. Hannah was meeting her here for lunch. Susie figured it was high time she talked to her about what was going on. When she walked in, Hannah was already waiting at a booth. Glacier Pizza was a utilitarian restaurant, low on frills and with amazing pizza. The brick oven stove sat center stage with an open kitchen surrounding it. A counter with stools circled the cooking area and booths lined the walls. Decorations consisted of photos from locals and tourists alike lining the walls, along with various license plates from all over the country.
Susie waved her greetings to the kitchen crew and slid into the booth across from Hannah. “How long have you been waiting?”
“Not long. Just got here a few minutes ago. I already ordered for us – got the Greek pizza because it’s your favorite. How’s it going?”
Susie tried to smile, but it wobbled.
“Hey, are you okay?” Hannah asked, concern lacing her voice.
Susie brushed her curls away from her face and sighed. “I don’t know. Jared told me he told you and Luke about us.”
Hannah nodded slowly. “Just yesterday. I guess I thought it was a good thing?”
Susie sighed. “Yes and no.” She paused, trying to gather her thoughts. “Okay…the sex is phenomenal,” she said, unable to repress a grin. “I mean, I don’t have anything to compare it with, but I had gotten really close to the finish line before and trust me, it’s good.”
Hannah shook her head and smiled. “Well, well. That does not surprise me. You two have been circling each other like cats for the last year or so.”
Susie blushed so hard she was surprised her hair didn’t turn red. But this was Hannah, her best friend for forever, and if she was going to tell it the way it was, she had to give her the whole story. “So there’s that. And then, there’s the rest. You know Jared. He said for years he didn’t want a relationship. And like I told you before, I didn’t think we’d be a good couple because he drives my batshit crazy with how organized he is. That’s still driving me nuts, though the sex helps. But now things are getting…I don’t know…intense. He’s acting like he wants to try to actually have a relationship. Then he wanted to know how come I haven’t dated anyone in years and how come I was a virgin. So I told him and now I’m freaking out.”
Hannah was quiet for a moment, which had the effect of cranking up Susie’s anxiety. “Would you say something please?” Susie demanded.
“I was just thinking. Let me start at the beginning. So the sex is amazing, Jared is still uptight and annoys you, and he asked you how come you hadn’t dated in a while. Have I got it right so far?”
Susie nodded.
Hannah took a breath. “Jared stopped by yesterday, and Luke wanted him to talk to me. He was wondering how come you were a virgin and didn’t bother to tell him. I think he was worried it was a big deal and you weren’t talking to him about it. I didn’t tell him anything, just told him to talk to you. What did you tell him?”
Susie sighed. “Same thing I told you. I didn’t want to, but you know him, he’s like a dog with a bone. He was great about it, honestly. He was sweet and supportive and all that. He also wants to ask Darren if there’s anything he can do about it. I tried to tell him there’s not because I looked into it, but you know him. He likes to solve problems. He promised me he wouldn’t give my name, so I figure let him find out himself what I already know. Date rape almost never goes anywhere, especially when it didn’t actually happen. It almost happened.”
Hannah gave her a long look. “I get that it would be hard for anything to be done, so I’m not going to push. But don’t pretend like it was nothing. You were drugged and assaulted. Don’t think I’m trying to dredge this up and make it worse, but you’re making it seem like it was nothing. I don’t blame Jared for wanting to do something about it. Let him ask his questions and come to his own conclusions. How did it feel to talk to him? When he was over yesterday, he said he didn’t know what you wanted. To be honest, he seemed kind of lost. I felt bad for him.”
Susie’s throat felt tight, and her head felt like it was going to explode. She didn’t know how to make sense of what she felt, but she felt more vulnerable than she ever had in her life and she could hardly tolerate it. “It was okay to talk to him. I just…” she shifted in her seat, crossing and uncrossing her legs. “I don’t know what to do. I didn’t really talk about it, but I was okay being alone. I had come to terms with that. And then Jared just had to get under my skin. It’s confusing and I can’t think straight.”
Their waitress walked over and efficiently set the pizza down and filled their water. The break allowed Susie to gather herself. A few bites of pizza, and she felt more grounded.
She looked over at Hannah. “I’m not sure I’m ready for this. You know me, I’m the romantic. It’s nice that Jared says he wants to maybe try a relationship, but that’s not quite enough for me. If I’m going to be all muddled and freaked out, I need to feel like he’s in it for more than a ‘maybe’ kind of thing.” Her words held far more confidence than she felt.
Hannah set her slice of pizza down and leaned her elbows on the table. “So you get to lecture me, Tess, and Emma and just about anyone else who crosses your path that we need to give love a chance and put up with the fact that it’s kind of messy and not so easy—and you’re going to cop out this fast?” Hannah’s blue eyes flashed.
Susie was taken aback and uncomfortable with how close Hannah’s words hit home. Her feelings for Jared were messy and overwhelming, and she didn’t want to deal with it. Not when she couldn’t be sure of where he stood. But to hear Hannah put it like that…
“I can see why you might say that, but I’m not copping out. I’m just saying I’m not sure.”
Hannah took another bite of pizza and leaned back. After she finished chewing, she spoke again. “Of course you’re not sure. That’s part of how this works. Just don’t go thinking you can try to slink out of this without us calling you out. You’re my best friend, and you deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. Even if you won’t admit it, I think you and Jared have a lot more going for you than most. I’m not going to sit by and be quiet because it’s more comfortable for you.”
Susie nodded, abashed. “I’m not going to slink out of it.” S
he paused and sighed. “I wish I had a better sense of what Jared wanted. That would help.”
Hannah tilted her head, a small smile tipping the corners of her mouth. “I don’t think that’s all that’s going on with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh I’m sure it would help if Jared hadn’t said for as long as you’ve known him that he didn’t want a relationship. But I think it’s hard for you not to be in control. Relationships, the ones that matter, make it hard to feel in control, especially at the beginning.”
Susie grabbed onto the one thing that was making her feel the most uncertain. “That’s just it. I don’t know if Jared can even get past how much he needs things to be a certain way.” Saying the words out loud sent her doubts screaming. It was precisely what she feared most with him—that she’d open her heart and start to hope for something, but when things began to get serious, he’d try to box her back into a tidy friend corner. A corner she didn’t know if she could ever inhabit again with him.
Hannah was quiet for a moment. “Okay, I don’t doubt that’s something he’s got to figure out. But control is a thing for you too. It’s hard for you to let go, and it’s definitely hard for Jared. So maybe think about that,” Hannah said softly.
Susie felt herself flushing again. She knew Hannah was right, and it annoyed the hell out of her. She wrinkled her nose. “Fine. I’ll think about it. In the meantime, could we talk about something else now? I’ve fessed up way more than I ever wanted to, so cut me some slack. How’s John?”
Hannah grinned and instantly shifted topic. Precisely why they’d stayed friends as long as they had.
Chapter 15
A few days later, Susie decided to stop by Jared’s house on her way home and surprise him. Once again, she’d tumbled into seeing him every night despite how unsettled she felt whenever she allowed herself to think about it. She knocked quickly on his door and stepped inside. Jared was sitting on a stool at the counter, focused intently on his laptop. He didn’t appear to have heard her come in.
