He looked up while slathering jelly on a piece of bread. “Yeah, really.” He slapped another piece of bread on top and stepped onto the back deck, sandwich in hand and went to the railing. She watched him while she played with Kyle. His worn eyes looked out over the yard.
After a minute, he turned and settled his bleary gaze on the baby. “You having fun with Janet?” he asked. The little boy looked up at him and then returned back to his growing pile of blue, yellow, and red blocks stacked around him.
“I think he wants to follow in grandpa’s footsteps,” Janet said. She picked another block up and handed it to Kyle. “How’s Meg?”
“Better.” Neil glanced out over the yard and took a bite of his sandwich. “She has some nerve damage in the right leg that’ll need physical therapy. Other than that, they say she’s fine…”
Janet glanced downward, recalling the difficult months she had gone through with rehab. “And you?”
He shrugged, and she saw him swallow hard. “I’ve been better.” He watched his grandson play at her feet. “They’re gonna discharge her tomorrow. Can you hang out a little longer?”
“Sure.” You have to ask? “Hey, I was about to go in and get a glass of iced tea. You want one to go with that?”
He eyed his half-eaten sandwich. “Sure.” After a deep breath, he drew his lips into a strained smile and went over to Kyle. Setting his sandwich down on a table, he said, “Can I play blocks with you?”
Kyle looked up. A beaming smile spread over his rosy cheeks as Neil lifted him into his arms. Janet watched them coo together then went inside. When she returned, Kyle was standing in Neil’s lap and they were face to face. The little boy squealed and laughed as Neil tickled his ribs. When Neil saw Janet, he set Kyle back down on the deck.
“He’s a good boy,” she said, handing him his drink.
“Well, that’s because he’s easy to love,” Neil said. He took a sip of his iced tea. As he set it beside his sandwich, the smile on his face faded. “I remember when Megan told me she was pregnant with him. I said to myself: Meg, you just got married. What’re you thinking of? But inside, I was jumping up and down. I was going to be a grandpa.”
Janet sat and buttoned her lip.
“I remember the day Meg was born. She was such a peanut. The nurse’s nicknamed her ‘the banshee.’ Didn’t believe them until one day Sharon calls me at work.” He shook his head. “And all I hear is this raging scream with Sharon’s voice somewhere in the background, saying ‘We need formula–now!’ Then a click.”
Janet chuckled.
“My teeth rattled all the way to the store and back home. But this little guy over here … he’s a quiet one.”
They watched Kyle stack blocks. “And a little builder, too,” Janet put in.
“Yeah, he is,” said Neil. “At least I’m able to see him more often now.”
“Meg told me she has a brother, Trevor, is it? Have you called him yet?”
Neil drained the last of his tea and sighed. “Trev and I don’t talk.” He said, getting up and stepping to the railing.
Janet watched his gaze stray out over the yard. “Don’t you think you should let him know?”
Neil turned, and for a moment she thought he might lash out, but he said nothing.
“He’s her brother,” she went on.
“I know that!” Neil snapped, furrowing his brow. “It’s not like I don’t want to. He won’t take my calls.”
“So, try again.”
“No, I don’t think so,” Neil muttered, turning away and running a hand through his hair.
“This is his sister!”
“Yeah, and I’m his father,” he spat back. “I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this, but I’d rather you stay out of it.” He turned his gaze back out over the yard.
Janet took a deep breath, fighting the powerful urge to tell him to grow up, and spun for the door. As she opened it, she heard Neil quake behind her. Turning, she saw his face buried in his hands. She looked upward at the overcast sky then walked to him. Standing with her hands hovering over his back, she debated what to do. Finally, she reached out and put her arms around him.
The next morning, Janet rolled over in bed, rubbed her eyes, and focused on the alarm clock. It was 5:15 AM. The night before had been a long one. Kyle had come down with the croup, and the little guy had been up most of the night keeping his father busy.
Megan was coming home today. That meant it would be the last day Janet would take care of Kyle. Not that she had minded. It just felt uncomfortably, too comfortable. She pushed the feeling away and thought of home and her bed with its nice fluffy pillows and familiar smelling sheets.
Flipping the covers back, she got up and slipped into her robe. As she tiptoed into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea, she saw the faint outline of Neil’s body on the sofa. He hadn’t bothered to pull the sleeper out. She watched him as she waited for the water to boil and pressed her lips together, refusing to compare him with her own father. When the teakettle started to whistle, she whisked it off the burner so it wouldn’t wake anyone.
After fixing her tea, she padded to the sliding glass door and stepped into the first dim light of dawn settling on the valley. Sipping her drink, she went to the back of the deck and watched the approaching sunrise lift the muted grays from the trees.
Several minutes later the glass door behind her swooshed open. She turned, half expecting Neil, but found Brad bare to the waist heading toward her in old tattered blue jeans. She turned and looked back out over the yard. “Couldn’t sleep?”
He stepped up beside her and stretched his arms over his head. “Nope.”
“Long night,” she said.
“That, it was,” he mumbled. “I was thinking some coffee might be in order?”
She ignored the implied order for her to wait on him and eyed him as he reached into his pants pocket. Pulling a pack of cigarettes out, he put one to his mouth and lit it.
“Don’t say nothing to Meg ‘bout this, okay? I promised her I’d quit.” He shook the match, snuffing the flame and dropped it over the rail.
Janet shrugged. “So give it up.”
Brad smiled crookedly. “I will. Just not right now.” He took a drag and blew out a ring of smoke. “She’s different. Barely says a word. It’s so not like her. Like someone came and took her place, someone I don’t know. I keep telling myself she’ll snap out of it. She’ll be back to jabbering. But then I go back up there, and she’s still the same.”
He sucked in another drag and laughed bitterly. “You know, I used to wish she’d shut the hell up and take a breather once in a while. Right now, I’d give my fucking right arm to hear her motor mouth.”
He drew another drag and flicked the ash-head over the rail. “She’s never gonna be the same, is she? I mean, how could she be?” He paused, knotting his brow. “I love her, but I’m not sure I can do this.”
“One step at a time,” Janet said, feeling her radar go up.
“Yeah, I suppose,” Brad said. He took a deep breath.
Meaning what? Janet thought. She suppressed her urge to tell him to be a man, and said, “She needs you. Be there for her.”
His sighed. “I’m trying. It’s hard though. I mean, how do ya deal with being afraid to touch your own wife?”
“You do it by remembering why you married her in the first place,” Janet said, quietly.
“Yeah,” he muttered. His gaze went inward then and Janet could see him debating some unknown thought. At last he cleared his throat, and tossing his cigarette over the rail, said. “Well, guess I better get showered.”
Brad and Neil pulled in the driveway with Megan at noon. Janet scooped up Kyle from his playpen and scurried to the door. When Kyle saw his mother, he put his arms out. Megan smiled while she hobbled up the front walk.
Janet’s heart drummed. This can go really good or really bad.
“Hi baby,” Megan said. She leaned forward, and with a slight grimace, pulled her son out
of Janet’s arms. “Were you a good boy while Mommy was gone?”
Kyle shook his head and coughed.
Megan wrinkled her brow and pushed a lock of Kyle’s hair off his face. “You’re not feeling well, are you pumpkin?” She glanced at Janet.
“He has the croup. Started last night. Brad called the doctor. I took him in this morning.” To Brad, Janet said, “There’s a script on the kitchen table that needs filling.”
“Well, I’m home,” Megan said as though that implied everything would get back to normal. Janet glanced at Brad, but he looked away and went around them through the front door. “Let’s get inside,” Megan said.
9
Janet nibbled on a piece of toast while watching Megan gaze out the sliding glass door. It was just after eight. The steady drizzle pattering the deck since dawn had finally given up. In the distance, an island of blue peeked through a slate gray sky. Brad had left for work an hour ago. Kyle sat in his highchair munching animal crackers while noisily playing with his food.
Megan turned her attention onto him. “Eat your cracker, honey,” she said, wiping a line of drool off his chin. The little boy took a nibble and went back to humming loudly. Megan smiled and looked back out the window, a lock of hair coiled around her finger. “Rained hard last night,” she said.
“Yes, it did,” Janet replied.
“Did it wake you?”
“Once.”
“I couldn’t sleep,” Megan went on, her gaze still fixed on the sliding glass doors. “I used to love listening to the rain and the low rumble of thunder. When I was a kid in Akron, I’d get in my bathing suit and run around in it.”
“I still do,” Janet said, curling her lips into a smile.
Megan was quiet a moment then said, “So, what time you leaving?”
Janet set her cup down. “Around one.”
Megan nodded. “I’m not going back to the Reporter.”
“I know,” Janet said.
“I mean, I just can’t,” Megan whispered. “Just the thought of stepping outside right now scares the hell out of me.” She buried her head in her hands and burst into tears. “I keep seeing his face, his eyes.”
Janet reached across the table and put her hand on Megan’s shoulder. Megan flinched.
“What am I gonna do? I can’t sleep, I can’t take care of Kyle, I can’t even take care of myself,” Megan cried, hunched over. Her trembling fingers groped for Janet’s hand, and when they found it, squeezed tightly. “I’m such a fucking mess.”
Janet bit back tears.
Megan tilted her head up, her bleary eyes desperately seeking answers Janet knew she couldn’t give. “My father, he tried to put his arms around me yesterday, but I pushed him away,” Megan said. “I pushed my father away! What the hell is that all about? What am I gonna do? Everything has gone to shit.”
Kyle dropped his bowl, shattering the moment. Janet leaned over and picked it up. As soon as she put it on his tray, he picked it up and dropped it again.
“Okay, Kyle, up you go,” Janet said. She lifted him out of his highchair and took him into the other room to play in his playpen. When she returned, she pulled Megan up out of her chair. “Come, there’s something I want to share with you.”
Janet pulled the sliding glass door open and led Megan onto the deck. “I never told anybody this until now,” Janet said, “but we now share something together.”
“What?” Megan muttered.
“I was raped,” Janet said, and paused while the words hung between them. “I was thirteen. We, my mother and father and Craig, used to go to my uncle’s farm in Redfield on the weekends. One day my uncle cornered me in the barn.” She took a deep breath and forced herself to go on. “No one knew what happened. I mean, how could I say anything? He was my uncle. No one would believe me. I still remember every second of it.”
“So he got away with it?”
“Not entirely. Life evened things up with a stroke not long afterward.”
“Well, I guess that’s something,” Megan said and chewed her lip. She was quiet a minute then said, “So, you got over it then?”
Janet shook her head. “Get over it? You don’t. You survive it, get a little stronger every day. Beat it back because if you give up, he wins!” There was a long silence between them while they stood looking out into the distance. Somewhere, beyond the patchwork of fences, a dove could be heard cooing.
Megan broke the quiet between them. “I’m not sure I can.”
Janet turned and took Megan’s hands in hers. “Yes, you can! And you will.” Megan shook her head, but Janet lifted her hand, held Megan’s chin and looked deep into her frightened eyes. “Look at me! You’re not alone. I’m here! I know you can’t see the future right now; neither could I, but I made it,” she added, and pulled Megan into her arms and held her fiercely as all the old memories flooded back. “You can, too.”
“I don’t know,” Megan said.
Janet pulled back, looked into Megan’s tragic gaze. She had no magical answers for Megan only that she was going to be there for her. “I want you to know, I love you, Megan. I’ve never had a real best friend before, until now. You are my best friend.”
Megan blinked back tears. “And you are mine.”
After they all ate lunch, Neil went outside. He had been quiet all morning. Janet watched him through the living room window. He sat on the porch steps, elbows on his knees. He lifted a hand, ran it through his hair, and looked down at the steps. She wished there was something she could say to ease his pain, but there weren’t any words nor would there ever be for times like these. She turned away and put her overnight bag next to the door. Megan was in the kitchen, staring out the window. It was time for Janet to go, but how could she take Neil away in a time like this? She thought about leaving him there and coming back for him or maybe Brad could bring him back.
She opened the door, went out, and sat beside him. “I was thinking maybe you’d like to stay a little longer. I have to go, but I could return later on.”
“Thanks, but no. I have to get back for a meeting.”
“Look, I know it’s none of my business, but I think you should stay.”
He looked up and considered her with a bleary gaze. “If she were alone, I’d agree. But Brad’s here. The kids need some time alone.”
She hadn’t thought of it that way. “Then can I make another suggestion?”
“Sure.”
She cleared her throat and screwed up her courage. “I don’t know for sure, but I can almost guarantee it that if you go in and wrap your arms around her, she wouldn’t push you away. She needs to feel safe, Neil. She needs to know there’s someone in the world she can trust again. And that person is you. You’re her father. Be that father. For her!”
Two hours later, they were on the road listening to the murmuring radio. As she drove, Janet could still see Megan’s head buried in her father’s shoulder. She allowed herself a tiny smile as she turned onto Route 22.
Neil looked at her. “I want to thank you.”
“For what?”
“For pushing me to do the right thing. It’s not like I didn’t want to, I just didn’t know how.”
She smiled. “Not many of us do.”
“But you did. So what gave you such insight into my Meg?”
Janet shook her head. “Intuition.”
“You continue to surprise me.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Just when I think I have you pegged, you do something that throws it all out of whack.”
She laughed. “Well, that’s good to know. So, what did you have me pegged for?”
He looked at her sidelong. “You really wanna know?”
“Well … on second thought, no.” She cocked her head and drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as James Taylor’s, ‘Fire and Rain’ came on. An idea had been simmering in her mind for the last hour. He could use some time away from the world and so could I. Why not? “Hey, I just had a thought.”
&nbs
p; “Wow–just one?”
She smacked him on the arm. ”Very funny. Anyway, I’m thinking it might be fun to take a drive out to the coast.”
“Now?”
“Why not?” She glanced at him. He wasn’t frowning, so she pressed ahead. “It’s only an extra hour and a half. And the way I look at it, it’d be good for both of us. Ever been to Depoe Bay?”
“Can’t say as I have.”
“Then it’s time you saw it.”
After they dropped Barney off, along with Janet’s overnight bag, they headed down toward the coast. They came to Lincoln City as traffic was picking up. Her gaze bounced around as she aimed down the four-lane main route bisecting the ocean-side city. Neil’s gaze strayed toward the ocean, which now and then peeked through whitewashed one-story buildings. Parked cars angled up to the curbs as they drove through what her father called a ‘one light town.’ Here and there, a mini mall or a grocery store popped up. Beyond them, steep muted tors ran down to unseen beaches. Their ragged tops lined with naked, wind-blasted cypress.
She pulled up to a stoplight.
“There’s a restaurant ahead,” Neil said. He pointed to a rustic wood shingled building with neon lights in the window.
“You hungry?”
“I could eat.”
She nodded. “Okay, but I’ve another place in mind in that case.”
They followed the road as it wove back and forth along the coastline through Gleneden Beach and past Fogarty State Park until they came to the little harbor town of Depoe Bay. At the north edge of town stood a modest A-frame restaurant overlooking the water. They pulled in next to it and parked. Neil got out and strode to the wooden rail running along the ocean side of the lot. Beyond it was a precipitous drop.
She joined him, her gaze panning the wide sweeping vista. To her right a peninsula of rock dotted with scrub and a few spindly pines ran out to the crashing waves. She followed its outstretched crooked finger to the restless waters. In the past, she’d seen Humpbacks and Rights migrating north off this point. There were none today.
“Shall we?” she said, nodding toward the restaurant behind them.
He glanced at her and they headed for the door. “Sharon would’ve liked this place.”
Loving Neil Page 8
