I clutched my hand to my chest. My airway felt constricted and I felt as though if I didn’t hold myself together I would fall to the ground in a jumble of pieces too small to ever be put together again.
He turned his back to me and strolled back through the woods his shoulders tense and his white t-shirt stretched tight to his body and his hands in his pockets. I watched the whiteness of his shirt until it turned into a blur and finally disappeared.
I collapsed onto the ground.
My breath came in short gasps. I clutched my throat trying to force more air through my lungs. I felt like I was dying. I hurt all over. The physical pain I was experiencing was almost as bad as the emotional pain.
“Ky!” Isaac said, sitting down and putting his arms around me.
“Don’t touch me!” I shrieked.
His arms came away from my body so fast that it was as if my words had physically scorched him.
“Ky, I’m sorry.” He whispered softly.
“You’re sorry? Isaac you have nothing to be sorry for. I kissed you. It was my fault. I ruined everything just like I always do. I told you I don’t deserve him. I am such a horrible person! My God, and here you are apologizing to me! You didn’t do anything, Is. I did. I always do!” I screamed at everyone and no one at the same time.
“Kylie, you know that isn’t true,” he whispered.
“Isn’t it?” I choked on my tears.
He said nothing but stared solemnly into the densely thick forest with his knees brought up to his chest and his arms resting on top.
“You know,” he said, his voice light as a moth’s wing, “I’m in the same boat as him.”
“What?” I said.
“No matter what Ky I am always going to love you. I can’t help it. There is something so infectious about you. People can’t help but love you,” He said.
I laughed, “You should talk to my parents, I mean my mom, or – never mind. But the point is they did a very good job of not loving me,” I said staring at the ground and picking at the grass.
“You know that they loved you,” He said and reached his hand out to my shoulder but pulled it quickly back before he touched me.
I chuckled but only so I wouldn’t cry again.
“They did a very good job of proving the opposite,” I said, my fingers digging into the dirt and pulling up gobs of grass in the process.
“Tell me. You’ve never told me much about them,” he said.
“There’s not much to tell.”
“Obviously they hurt you and I’m your best friend. I just want to understand, Ky,” he said, his voice and eyes full of pleading.
I let out a deep breath and decided to plunge.
“We used to be happy, if there is such a thing as being happy. I could talk to my parents and my brothers. We ate meals together and laughed and joked. We had family game night. My mom would never play; she always said she had to referee us because we would cheat if she didn’t. But we were all very respectful of one another. But then my brothers left for college and that perfect façade began to crack. My dad got the wandering eye and began to stay at work later and later. My mom suspected he was cheating but instead of confronting him she resorted to alcohol and drugs. He found someone else and filed for divorce. He promised to always take care of me and my mom so he paid for us to move to Rome. But that wasn’t enough for my mom. She became like a zombie and over dosed on her medication and died. Jonathon and Patrick turned her into a vampire. But don’t you see Isaac she didn’t love me enough to live. She’d rather die than be my mother. I’m unlovable,” I moaned.
“Oh, Ky you know that isn’t true,” he said.
“You didn’t let me finish,” I said.
“Oh.”
“Isaac, Selena kidnapped my father! She used my own father against me! She tormented him just like she did me! And then she made me watch him die! I will always have the image of him being murdered ingrained in my mind. Every time I close my eyes I see it happening all over again!” I yelled and screamed. It felt good to let go for a change. I needed to get this out. I didn’t care who heard or saw my meltdown.
“Do you want to tell me how it happened?” He whispered like he was speaking to a frightened rabbit.
“No, not really… maybe… okay,” I said taking a deep breath.
I took a couple more deep breaths to steady myself so that I wouldn’t start bawling.
He put his arms around me and rubbed my back in soothing motions. I didn’t flinch or yell at him this time. Right now, he was merely Isaac my friend, and I needed his support.
“You already know that Selena went crazy when her soul mate died. She and Jonathon had been best friends but she blamed him for her soul mate’s death. She swore vengeance on him. She said that she would live long enough for him to find his soul mate and then she would kill her, me. She began stalking me. Selena would leave me these cryptic notes. Jonathon and his family left for a hunting trip with my mom and left me by myself at my mother’s house. I didn’t know it at the time but a vampire friend of theirs was keeping a watch on me to make sure nothing bad happened to me. But things didn’t go according to plan. Selena killed the guard and snuck into the house. I- I thought she was going to kill me then. But she left me. She wasn’t done playing with me like a game board pawn.
“As you know Jonathon left me. He thought that if he left, if Selena thought that he didn’t want me or love me, that she would leave me alone. I believed him when he said that he didn’t want me and I must say I gave him good reason. After all, it isn’t every day that a human refuses immortality with their soul mate. His plan worked. For a while at least,” I laughed. “Soon enough though Selena came back for me. You already know that she kidnapped me from the dance. She… she took me to her old house. The place where her soul mate died and I thought I would die as well. I awoke to something I thought I would never see. My father was there. He had already been tortured by her. But suddenly knowing that we were both going to die I was able to forgive him. Oh, how I wish I could have forgiven him sooner! But I’m stubborn and I wouldn’t forgive him until it was too late. She kept us barely alive and once again my stubbornness almost killed me and did kill my father.
“I wouldn’t think any thoughts of Jonathon until I thought I was going to die. If I had been thinking about him sooner he could have located me by my thoughts that were directed towards him. As it is, Selena came for me. My dad tried to save me. He ran at her so the grabbed him by the hair and pulled, just slightly, but with a vampire’s strength his head separated from his body easily. His body landed with a thump on the stone floor and Selena dropped his head onto the floor. It rolled like a ball towards me. My dad’s severed head was only inches from my own his dull, blank, unseeing green eyes, the same color as my own, stared up at me. I ran across the room and threw up. She started scratching me.
“The venom from her fingernail burned my skin. I was on fire. I knew I was going to die so I broke the dam that held back all thoughts of Jonathon and he was able to speak to me through my thoughts. I stalled for time and he was able to save me. I had to drink his blood in order to live. Selena’s venom was acting as a poison in my system I was going to die in minutes. But Jonathon saved me and so here I am today,” I finished breathlessly.
“Wow, Ky. I had no idea.”
“I just wish I hadn’t been so mad at my dad before. I hate that it took knowing that we were both going to die for me to get over my anger. My dad never stopped loving me but I stopped caring.”
“You can’t put that on yourself. He gave you reason to feel the way you did. You’re young. The way you reacted the situation, the divorce, everything, is normal, Kylie.”
“Yeah, maybe, but I can’t help but feel that it’s karma,” I said sadly.
“Life doesn’t work that way,” Isaac said.
“But it does,” I replied.
“You didn’t ask for that, Ky. You are too good of a person for God to punish in such a cruel way. You are go
od and kind. You are the best person I know. You did not do anything to deserve that kind of pain,” he said.
“It doesn’t matter whether or not I did deserve it because it happened and I can’t change it,” I said.
Isaac pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head.
“I’m sorry that you feel that way, Kylie. No one should have to live with that pain. That guilt. I only hope that one day you’ll realize that it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have prevented what happened. You were going to die too, Ky. But you didn’t because it wasn’t your time. Maybe it was your dads’ time to go. Did you ever think of it like that?” He asked.
“I know that you’re right and I know that I shouldn’t wallow in my own self-pity but I can’t help it. I feel like if I stop feeling guilty over my dads’ death it will mean that he isn’t important anymore. I don’t want to forget him,” I said.
“Ky, you don’t have to forget him. It’s important that you remember and honor him but you don’t have to remember the last time you saw him. Do you think he’d want you to remember him that way? Why don’t you remember happier times? Surely you have plenty of good memories of your father?”
“You’re too good for me Isaac,” I sighed.
He chuckled.
“It’s the other way around. You are too good for me, Kylie,” he said.
“I don’t want to break his heart but I don’t want to break your heart either,” I said leaning my head back and looking up at the pale blue sky.
Isaac still had me cradled against his chest and I could feel him stiffen at my change in the subject.
“I’m used to rejection.”
“I don’t want to reject you, Isaac,” I said.
“Then don’t,” he said and hope flooded his eyes.
“I don’t have a choice,” I sighed.
“Yes you do. Did you not hear the bloodsucker?!” He yelled, now standing up. Not waiting for me to answer he continued, “He said that you don’t have to choose him! You do have a choice! Your choice! You don’t have to choose him! If you really and truly want to be with me then you can! But, Ky, I don’t want you unless you are one-hundred percent sure of who you want to be with. I don’t want a part of you. I want all of you. In fact I’d rather have none of you then have some of you,” he said and I flinched.
“But that’s the thing, I’m not one-hundred percent sure about either of you,” I said, still sitting on the ground as Isaac paced in front of me.
He crouched in front of me. “Then take your time. I’m sure your bloodsucker would agree with me. He’d probably rather know that your one-hundred percent sure of what you want. Otherwise there will always be doubt in the back of his head and my head.”
“I shouldn’t even have feelings for you. There shouldn’t even have to be a choice. Jonathon is my soul mate,” I said softly.
“Everyone has a choice, Kylie. Even you.”
Chapter Fifteen: Desperation
I am a horrible person. I really am.
The lowest of the low.
I hate myself. I really do.
No one is as awful as I am.
I make Selena look like a saint.
Ten days have passed since that fateful day that I kissed Isaac. The day I ruined everything.
And I am still miserable and still just as confused.
I haven’t talked to Jonathon or Isaac. They’ve given me my space and quite honestly I’ve been thankful for it. I’m confused, upset, and embarrassed and therefore in no state to be talking to either one of them.
But what has been worse than my own misery is the fact that the Pulmer’s have been avoiding me like I have the plague. Diana conveniently disappears whenever I’m around so I can’t talk to her. Out here in the middle of nowhere, the middle of Russia, I really need someone to talk to and I, unfortunately, have no one to talk to. No one but myself. And with the situation I’ve gotten myself into I’m not exactly the best person to be talking to at the moment.
So, instead I’m cooped up in the tent all by myself.
And I can’t stop thinking.
Thinking about nothing.
Anything.
And everything.
The line, “what was I thinking,” keeps running through my mind. Sitting here I can say to myself with the upmost confidence that I have no romantic feelings for Isaac. But the moment I step out of the tent my thoughts become befuddled.
I know in my heart that Jonathon is the one but that little voice in my head keeps whispering that I have more options.
If I choose Isaac I can stay human.
If I choose Jonathon I feel obligated to become a vampire.
Do I choose convenience or love?
The answer seems simple.
Why not choose the person you love?
But my situation is so much more complicated than choosing the person I love.
My choice means, life or death.
It’s all so confusing. I wish there was some kind of magical button that I could push and turn off that annoying voice in the back of my head. But unfortunately no such button exists.
I want love like every other person in the world but I also want my life. I’m not saying that I view Jonathon and his family as being dead but they are very obviously more than human. I don’t want to let go of my human life. I’ve already given up so much of my life, how much more can I give up?
Choices.
Decisions.
The path you take.
Can make or break the life you live.
The easy way.
The hard way.
Two totally different paths and my choice to make.
Two weeks later…
I unzipped the tent and stepped out into the bright afternoon sunlight.
I blinked and put my hand to my face to shade my eyes. I’m stepping out. I’m going to follow my heart. I’m sick and tired of hurting everyone else and hurting myself in the process.
I spotted him across the clearing from me at the same time that he spotted me.
A smile broke out upon my face.
Seeing my smile he smiled too.
I swallowed and took one step closer to him.
He turned away from the person he was speaking to.
My smile got even bigger.
He took five steps towards me and I took five steps toward him. We were getting closer.
His eyes met mine and even at a distance I could see the question in them.
I nodded.
He smiled so big that I thought his face might break.
He broke into a run towards me and I towards him.
He swept me into his arms.
He showered me with kisses. He kissed the top of my head, my forehead, my nose, my eyes, my cheeks, and finally my lips.
“I love you.” I whispered.
He breathed a sigh of relief and repeated those magical words back to me and my heart sighed with relief.
Chapter Sixteen: Mind Games
“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he kept whispering over and over again.
“I love you,” I sighed into the wind.
“Oh, principessa never put me through that again,” he whispered into my hair.
Tears ran down my face and onto his gray t-shirt.
“I won’t. I won’t,” I said gulping for air.
“Oh God, I love you so much,” Jonathon said.
“I’m so sorry for everything. So, so, sorry. I am so ashamed of myself,” I said sobbing.
His arms felt so good around me. I inhaled the scent of his shirt, the scent of him, paint, citrus, and sage. I had missed this closeness. Missed the sense of having someone that cared so deeply for me. It felt good to have someone hold me and feel their love for me seep from their pores. Children rarely admit that even when they’re older they still miss their parents’ embrace, that’s why we seek someone to hold and be held, an embrace means safety. And safety I have found.
I could stay wrapped in Jonathon’s arms forever. I
wish I could melt into him. We are a part of each other. Forever and Always. One entity. I had strayed, it’s human nature, but I had come home. And I was here to stay.
Finally looking away from Jonathon’s face I noticed that everyone in the clearing had conveniently disappeared. I guessed Isaac must know by now. My heart ached for him. I hated to break his heart or cause him pain but I would only be causing him more pain if I were to continue leading him on.
Jonathon went on murmuring things to me in Italian that I only half understood the meaning.
“Never let me go,” I said into his shirt so quietly that only with his vampire senses was he able to pick up on it.
“Never, principessa, never. Never again,” he said with conviction.
I don’t know how long we had stood there holding each other before the pain began.
The pain quickly accelerated in intensity.
A scream tore through my throat and I dropped to my knees clutching my skull between my hands to keep it together.
Jonathon tried to pull my hands off of my head but I only screamed louder and held on tighter.
He disappeared for no more than three seconds and returned with Patrick and the other Pulmers’ following closely behind.
Even in my state I could make out tears in Jonathon’s eyes. Tears that he could not shed.
I couldn’t stop screaming and the pain would not go away.
I could dimly hear Jonathon explaining to Patrick what had happened. Patrick stood looking puzzled as did the other Pulmers.
“Don’t you see? Her mind is being attacked. From the looks of it a pretty powerful thought persuader,” spoke Gabriel, suddenly appearing as if carried in on the morning mist.
“Thought persuader?” Jonathon and Patrick asked simultaneously.
“You’ve never heard of a thought persuader?” said Gabriel, his trademark smirk prominent.
I continued to scream as the pain intensified. I thought my skull might split open but amazingly I could hear everything that they said with perfect clarity.
“God damn you Gabriel! Just answer the question!” yelled Jonathon attempting to launch himself at Gabriel but was being impeded by his uncle and brother.
Forbidden (Fallen Series Book 2) Page 16
