by Leia Shaw
Heidi shook his arm. “Levi! Are you listening?”
“What?” He snapped out of the memory then looked at the passenger seat. For a split second, he expected to find Em sitting there.
Instead, Heidi pouted up at him.
“Oh. Sorry. I spaced out for a sec.” He gave her a small smile. “Tired from the long trip I guess.”
“I had no idea you were such a daydreamer. Must be a musician thing.”
Musician. Crap. He’d completely forgotten he’d written her a song. He’d been waiting forever to sing it to her. He stared through the window, willing himself to want to sing for her, but he just didn’t feel it. With Emerson, there’d been a spark of inspiration. It’d been a goofy song but it felt natural. He’d written a beautiful song about Hope, but this wasn’t her. This was Heidi, who was turning out to be an entirely different person.
He forced himself to focus, to feel again. She was staring up at him, her lips parted. Her eyes closed halfway and she leaned toward him.
What? He inched away.
Her lips puckered a bit and she closed her eyes.
Shit. She was going to kiss him.
He should give it a try. It was what he came here for. Just a few days ago, he’d wanted to fuck her. Now it seemed too weird, but he could try kissing her at least. Maybe there’d be a spark.
He leaned in and let their lips touch. She was a timid kisser. Softly, she moved her mouth against his, letting her tongue tease his lips.
He felt nothing. Not even a flutter of emotion.
When she pulled away, she blinked up at him sweetly, and his only thought was that he’d just cheated on Emerson.
Chapter 22
Emerson spent most of the second morning wandering around the show floor, looking half-heartedly at the displays. Hacker conventions were known to be one of the most dangerous places in the world. About one third of the attendees were black hats – hackers who used their powers for evil, so to speak. They didn’t care about ethics or legality. They ran scams, stole money, and generally created chaos.
This made the rest of the attendees high risk of becoming victims if they weren’t careful. Emerson, who was naturally paranoid, was as careful as one could get. But the last two days of having to stay on alert were starting to take their toll. Scared of her recent lack of focus, she was extra paranoid, and checked all her security settings a dozen times over again. She’d also stayed up late last night. Her intent had been to work on another contest but really she agonized about the job offer with ALV Tech.
No. If she were being honest with herself, she’d admit that really she’d agonized over missing Levi. The fucker had lodged himself into her brain and wouldn’t leave. When she saw him again, she was going to drop kick him off a cliff.
She chuckled at the imagery.
The urge to check on him was strong. She’d been fighting it for the last twelve hours. He’d have talked to Heidi by now, broken up with her. Was he hurting? She couldn’t text him now even if she worked up the courage, not in the convention hall.
Suddenly uninterested in the rest of the program, she made her way back to her hotel room. This really wasn’t like her at all. Normally she’d have been eager to soak up everything she could. Today, she felt like moping around in misery. But what did she have the right to be miserable about? She’d been offered a job with a starting salary of over a hundred thousand dollars. That was insane. She knew hackers had the potential to make income like that, but she was only twenty three. She barely felt like an adult. Letting her loose with that kind of money made her worry she’d go a little nuts. Money changed people.
But when had she been interested in financial gain anyway? Since living on Ramen noodles and ketchup sandwiches, maybe.
In the sort of security of her hotel room, she set up her laptop, checked on her firewall, then opened her email. Maybe she’d tell Jess about the job offer, get a second opinion.
She typed out an email quickly then sent it. Right away, an automated reply came.
I’m away on a spontaneous kayaking trip with my girlfriend. Don’t know when I’ll be back. Maybe never! Mwuahahahaha!
Seriously, I’m out of electronic range so don’t try calling either.
Jess.
What? Why wouldn’t she have told her that before she’d left? Ugh. Some roommate.
Pacing the room, she tried to work out why she was so anxious. It was as if she’d suddenly turned into a girl – a girl that needed to…talk. What the hell was wrong with her?
She eyed her phone on the desk. What would Levi be doing now? He’d have broken things off with Heidi last night so that meant he was probably just sitting around bored, right?
She chewed on her bottom lip a moment then finally came to a decision. She grabbed the new phone and dialed his number quickly before she changed her mind.
It rang twice then stopped. “Hey, Emmy.”
Growling a little, she wondered if this had been a bad idea after all.
His chuckle came through the phone loud and clear. “Sorry. Couldn’t resist. How’s the conference?”
Terrible. Scary. Lonely. “Good.”
“Good. Are you calling to plan when to meet up?”
That sounded a lot better than the truth – that she was calling to hear his voice. “Um. Yeah. And to check, you know, how things went for you.”
Silence. Uh oh. That didn’t seem good. She regretted asking. Maybe dredging up that topic had been bad.
“Well, it’s been…interesting.” He cleared his throat. “Turns out we were wrong about the whole cheating thing. Mika is her cousin from Sweden. He’s here visiting. With his wife.”
She felt the blood drain from her face. Her stomach twisted. She plopped down on the bed and stared at the wall in front of her. “Well fuck.”
“Yeah.” He chuckled without humor. “That’s what I said.”
Her head swam. So many thoughts swirled about. So many fears. She’d led him wrong. Not only in the assumption Heidi was cheating, but then she’d gone and let Levi fuck her. She’d always known her job had ramifications, that she was changing people’s lives, but she never thought she would fuck it up this bad.
Guilt ate at her first. Then worry. What did this mean for him? For them? Was he staying there with Heidi? Did he never want to speak to Emerson again?
No, he wouldn’t do that. He didn’t sound mad. But how was she going to spend eight hours in the car with him in two days?
“I’m so sorry, Levi,” she forced out. “It’s my fault. I should’ve double checked my information. We shouldn’t have… God. I’m so sorry.” This just sucked. Had he told Heidi yet? Did she hate him? Were things ruined for him and his dream girl?
“It’s not your fault. I should’ve been more careful.”
“Did you tell her?”
He sighed heavily. “Not yet. I’m trying but…” An awkward pause. “I don’t know what I want anymore.”
What did that mean? He wanted Heidi still, didn’t he? Before she’d left that morning, she’d wondered, briefly, if after the whole mess with Heidi, maybe Levi would want to try dating her. As in a real relationship, not a rebound fuck then staying friends. For a moment, she’d even believed that a guy like him could love a girl like her. Deep down inside, she’d let herself hope. Hope that an escape from loneliness could be in her future. Hope that she wasn’t doomed to become a crazy numbers lady, or an old spinster. For an insane minute, she’d even dreamt of a family with Levi.
But Heidi was real, and not a cheater, and maybe loved him. And maybe he loved her.
Her throat closed up. it was hard to breathe around the feeling of her heart shattering.
Muffled voices sounded in the background. “I gotta go,” he said, rushed.
“Okay.” She didn’t even get to tell him about the job.
“Text me when you’re leaving. I’ll meet you at your parents’ place.”
“Okay.”
Silence again, and she thought maybe he’
d hung up already.
Then he whispered, “Bye, Em.”
With the phone resting in her hand, she stared at the wall, mouth hanging open. It took a few minutes before she could think through what just happened. She’d rather avoid thinking about it at all but if she was going to see him in two days, that wouldn’t work. She had to face him, what they’d done, eventually.
But maybe not right now.
Her stomach rumbled. Ice cream sounded good now, not mental agony. Ice cream. With lots and lots of chocolate.
Chapter 23
Tears filled her eyes, but didn’t spill over. Holding her shoulders in his hands, Levi leaned down and kissed her forehead. He couldn’t think of anything to say, but then, they’d already said everything they needed to the night before. There was nothing left.
With a small smile, he let her go then turned on his heel.
He breathed in deep then exhaled slowly as he walked to the Prius, keys in hand. The sun was shining, the morning air smelled like spring – it was a brand new day.
As he drove out of the condo parking lot, he spared one last glance at Heidi in the rearview mirror. Standing alone on the sidewalk in her pink pajamas, she gave him a small wave. He waved back until she was out of his view.
A new adventure awaited and he had no idea what to expect. For now, he just drove.
Chapter 24
She had to get up eventually. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and brooding was a stupid waste of time. This was the last day of the convention and Emerson had vowed to get her money’s worth. She’d moped around enough yesterday. Today, she had to move her ass.
Groaning, she rolled out of bed and searched the messy room for something decent to wear. She pulled on jeans and the t-shirt she hadn’t worn yet that read There’s no such thing as anonymous. Levi would’ve made fun of it if he were here.
Her stomach rumbled. Priorities: Food. Coffee. Convention.
She checked her email quickly, noting Levi had asked for her parents’ address. He’d probably spent the night at Heidi’s house. The idea disgusted her, though she didn’t understand why. Heidi hadn’t cheated after all. Other than the lying, she might be a good person.
Emerson scoffed. Nobody was good enough for Levi.
Whoa. Where did that come from? That errant thought plus the intense jealousy she felt toward Heidi was more than disturbing. Must be lack of coffee.
Yeah. Let’s go with that.
After packing up her stuff, she headed downstairs and straight to the Starbucks attached to the hotel. Minutes later she was caffeinated, fed, and ready for a day of learning and avoiding Michael Chen, who was no doubt looking for an answer from her.
Join the club. She’d like some answers too.
At the convention, she decided to play a game to stay occupied. A war game – where entrants attack and defend software – would be fun but enough of a challenge to keep a certain someone out of her mind. Hopefully.
Glued to a screen, she tuned out the sounds around her. Time passed as she let herself get immersed in the game. It wasn’t until her stomach started growling again and she had to pee that she bowed out and left the area.
After using the bathroom, she made her way toward the exit where a slew of restaurant options sat on the main road. The morning had flown by, which was exactly what happened when she got lost in her work. Maybe she’d go to a panel or lecture after lunch, just to slow things down.
Tomorrow brought dread and excitement. The paradoxical reaction was annoying – especially the excitement part. She didn’t want to want to see him. Dread was better, more right. Why spend eight hours in a car with a guy who was over the moon for someone else? A guy who bought her candy, smelled good, and made her laugh. Whose voice lulled her at night when she couldn’t sleep. Whose sexy body and charming smile haunted her dreams.
Yeah. This was gonna suck.
He’d sing Heidi’s praises and Emerson would have to repress her gag reflex while stewing in her unexplained jealousy.
Pushing through the heavy door to get outside, she readied herself for the cold blast of Chicago air.
“Emerson!”
She froze. Huh? Slowly, she turned to face the direction of the voice. She took three steps back in, letting the door close behind her. Did she imagine someone calling her name? Or maybe there was another Emerson in the crowd.
She scanned the people streaming in and out of the busy hotel foyer. The owner of the voice eluded her.
Sighing, she turned away. Crazy much, Emerson?
“Em!”
That was definitely real. She spun back around and spotted him. From across the lobby, Levi stood on his tiptoes, waving madly. A smile found its way onto her lips. Her muscles tightened, poised to run to him.
Whoa. Simmer down.
This was not a cheesy romance movie. She did not need to go leaping into his arms like a fucking Hallmark commercial either. Questions needed to be answered. Like, what the hell was he doing here?
Still, it was hard to slow her feet as she tried to casually stroll toward him. Grinning, he walked to her and they met in the middle of the entrance, underneath a grand chandelier.
“What the hell are you doing here?” she demanded, realizing after how rude she sounded.
But he only stared at her, wearing a ridiculous sappy smile. “I missed that too,” he said more to himself.
Missed? He was on crack. What else could explain this? “What are you talking about? Where’s Heidi?”
“At home. We broke up.”
She eyed him curiously. He didn’t seem sad about it. No, he was still grinning at her. His thumbs hooked in his pockets and he rocked back on his heels.
Her heart was skipping beats inside her chest. She’d never been so happy to see someone, but letting on meant risking her heart. It was better to stay reserved, cynical even, than to hope he was there for her.
“Why?” she asked.
He considered her for a moment then stepped in. Cupping her face in his hands, he kissed her. Every nerve awakened. The heat from his mouth seemed to shoot through her body like an electric current. Her muscles softened, making her want to melt against him. His familiar scent comforted her, chased the feelings of loneliness away until all she felt was him, filling her up with warmth and love and wholeness.
Just then, she did feel like she was in a romance movie, but as a secondary character. And somehow, the sexy lead wanted her, the flat-chested nerd. She didn’t turn hot and popular as soon as her glasses came off either. He knew that, yet he wanted her anyway.
Maybe.
She pulled his hands off of where he held her face. “Are you fucking with me?” She had to fight hard to keep control, to hold the tears back. This wasn’t a game to her. Messing with her emotions was just cruel. She’d fallen for him days ago, but had been telling herself over and over that she couldn’t have him, he wasn’t hers. This flip flopping was going to break her heart.
“I’m not fucking with you,” he said, rolling his eyes. “I love you, Emerson.” The conviction in his voice sent a shudder through her. He meant it. “I love your sarcasm, your crazy ambition, your hair...” He chuckled and shook his head. “I never knew I could love a girl’s hair. I even love your obsession with prime fucking numbers. And that scowl. The one you’re wearing now. I especially love that.”
Tears pushed and threatened to roll down her cheeks. But why, she wanted to demand. There had to be a better answer than that. Love just didn’t make sense. It didn’t fit. It felt right and good to her, but he wasn’t supposed to love her. He was supposed to love Hope.
“But…” She sniffled, held it together, suddenly self-conscious of the people walking by. “But what about Heidi?”
He shook his head. “She wasn’t for me. Look, I know you think love equals three x y z and some silly math equation but…love doesn’t have to just take time away. It can give it too. You and I…” he paused like he was trying to find the right words, “you and I have something
most people don’t. We can give each other balance. I understand how important work is to you. I would never want to get in the way of that. But love gives back. While you’re caught in your crazy web of math problems, I can go grocery shopping so you’re eating more than just ketchup and sour milk all the time.” He looked at the floor then back to her. “I have things to offer, if you’re willing to give me just a little bit of your time. X can equal something small, can’t it?” His pleading smile awoke something inside her. “And sometimes doesn’t the sum of small numbers equal something big? Well, that could be us too. Love is bigger than the sacrifice to get it.”
For the last few years, she’d put aside her heart, her human needs as much as possible and focused on her intellect. The last week had gradually opened that side of her, like a door that had been nailed shut to keep out intruders that would compromise her work. Levi had chipped away slowly at that door and, now, as he bared the truth of his feelings, and laid it all out there in front of her, the wall around her heart came crashing down.
She couldn’t do much more than stare without completely losing her shit. She was scrambling to close the door, put herself back together, box it all in where it was safe and contained. But it was far too late to go back. Levi had uncovered her heart. He’d opened her up and made her vulnerable. If he hurt her now, she was going to be so pissed.
As she stared, silently, he frowned. His forehead wrinkled and shoulders sagged. “I just bared my soul to you. Aren’t you going to say something?”
She thought for a moment, trying to calm her buzzing nerves, and think of something remotely as romantic or meaningful to say. She looked up into his worried eyes, feeling her bottom lip quiver. “I think my heart just lagged.”
His furrowed brow relaxed as amusement hit. He smiled. “Is that like the geek version of I love you?”
Nodding, she threw herself into his arms. Stupid betraying tears poured down her face where he probably felt them on his neck.
“What about your love equation?” he rasped. “Are you sure I’m worth it?”
