by Dana Corbit
He lifted one shoulder and lowered it, but it was obvious that he either wasn’t accepting anything she’d said or that her words only upset him more. From the strange way he was acting today, pulling away from her, she wasn’t sure she would have many more opportunities to tell him, so she wanted to do it now.
“You have to stop blaming yourself.” She waited until he looked over at her to add, “I don’t blame you.”
“You don’t?”
The skepticism in his eyes seemed to battle with belief, and even though she wasn’t certain that she meant it in the deepest part of her heart, she wanted nothing more than to remove his questions. “No, I don’t.”
“Thanks.” He paused, as if considering what she’d said, before continuing. “I wish I could say the same.”
“Don’t you think it’s a little narcissistic to believe you wield that much power or control?”
Joe blinked, signaling she’d surprised him as she’d hoped she would. He watched her with his side vision, his lips lifting.
“If you’re trying to make me feel better, you might want to try a different approach.”
“All I’m saying is that unless you can take full credit for every life you help to save, then you can’t take full responsibility when things don’t go your way.” She held up her hand before he could provide some witty comeback. “And in case you haven’t figured this one out yet, you can’t take full credit because you’re not in control. God is in control.”
She waited, expecting an argument from him, but he only nodded.
“I know I can’t.”
“Trooper Rossetti, sometimes you surprise me. If you understand that, then why are you wasting so much time worrying about what can go wrong?”
“I can’t help it,” he said with a shrug. “I’m not in a field where I can backspace over my mistakes. Mine get zipped up in plastic and sent off to the morgue.”
His words were uncomfortably blunt, inspiring scenes that she still couldn’t produce from memory, but she wouldn’t allow herself to be sidetracked by the thought. Joe needed her support this time, and she was determined to give it to him.
“Listen. You can’t buy trouble like that, waiting for the worst. Don’t you remember, in Matthew 6:34, that Jesus says, ‘Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day.’”
It was Joe’s turn to grin. “Did you know that one off the top of your head, or did you memorize it just for me?”
She elbowed him. “I knew it, but it sounds like one you should memorize, too.”
“I’ll try.”
Lindsay turned to check on Emma through the window, but when she shifted back she found him watching her. Like always, her skin warmed and she just seemed to awaken under his steady gaze.
“What are you looking at?”
“An amazing woman. You might know her. She’s the one who always surprises me with her insights. The one who helps me get my head on straight.”
Her cheeks burned over his compliment, and she didn’t know what to do with her hands, so she gripped them in her lap. Something had changed between them in the past few minutes, something that felt monumental, and all she could do was to sit there and wait for whatever he planned to tell her.
“Did you know that I came over here today to tell you I couldn’t see you anymore because you remind me of the accident where I made my biggest mistake?”
Lindsay swallowed as disappointment buried hope under a pile of rubble. It only made sense that Joe would feel that way because he reminded her of her darkest day as well. She could get past that, but maybe he couldn’t.
Her eyes burning, she blinked back the unfortunate tears that were attempting to make an appearance. “Oh. Is that all? I just figured you were coming here to embarrass me by apologizing for almost—I mean, I thought—”
Joe stilled her words by resting his hand over the two she gripped together so hard that her fingertips reddened. He brushed his thumb back and forth over the back of her hand, his touch feeling so warm and comforting, even if it was only offered in kindness. She stared down at their hands because it was easier than looking into his eyes.
“Please let me explain,” Joe said. “From the beginning, I felt as if I should steer clear of you if I ever wanted to get my head on straight on the force again. I just couldn’t stay away. I told myself we were only friends, even though I could feel that changing. But then, after last night and the incident at the station, I was convinced I had to put space between us, for both of our sakes.”
That he continued to brush her hand with his thumb was beginning to confuse her. Shouldn’t he have pulled away his hand as he was stepping back with his words? Finally, the questions were too much for her.
“Is that what you want? Space…between us?” Although her voice caught, she was surprised that she’d managed to get the question out at all.
“No, I don’t.”
Lindsay blinked. What was he saying? That he didn’t want space, sure, but what did that mean? That his worries about the reminders she gave him weren’t as significant as he’d thought? She couldn’t get her hopes up when he might just be saying he wanted to stick around so he could continue to be a protective figure in Emma’s life. Lifting her head, Lindsay stared into Joe’s eyes. Whatever he said, she was going to take it like a woman, not a child.
“Then what do you want?” she asked.
“You.”
“Oh.” She swallowed as he lifted his free hand to her face and curled his index finger under her chin.
“And this.”
He gently lifted her chin just enough, so they were looking into each other’s eyes, and he leaned toward her by slow, steady steps until there was but a breath between them. Whether by instinct or need, Lindsay helped him close that last distance as her eyes fluttered shut.
Suddenly, his lips were brushing across hers in the most gentle, perfect kiss she couldn’t even have predicted in her best dreams. Her first. From the first and only man she’d ever wanted to kiss her and the only one she hoped ever would.
When he pulled back, her eyes flew open in a moment of misgiving. Had her innocence been terribly obvious in her kiss? Had he decided he’d made a mistake and was bowing out now? But Joe only smiled at her and leaned in again, slanting his mouth over hers and pulling her into the sweet caress of his kiss. Her thoughts and worries fled until there was nothing and no one in her mind but this moment and this man.
Lindsay was awed and breathless when he finally eased his head away. She didn’t even care that her momentous first kiss had taken place on her front porch, where everyone, neighbors and strangers alike, could have witnessed the moment without recognizing its significance. It had been a perfect moment between Joe and her, and that was all that mattered.
So this was what it felt like to be adored. Looking down at her hands, she discovered that she and Joe were still touching as they had been, only somehow their fingers had become entwined.
“Well, that was a surprise,” she said, more than a little shocked that she could find any words at all.
It was a profound moment of discovery, like the sky clearing to pristine perfection following a storm, but now Lindsay had no doubt that she was in love with Joe. Why was it that her heart could so easily comprehend the truth that her mind had not been ready to see?
“A surprise?” Joe answered with a chuckle. “Not to me. Kissing you has been on my mind since I first met—well, way before I thought about it last night. Anyway, I wanted to apologize.”
She was still mulling over his confession that he’d been thinking about kissing her for a while when his last comment sunk in. “Apologize? Why?” Not when all she wanted to do was to gush and thank him.
As she felt his grip loosen on her hand and his fingers pulling away, Lindsay was tempted to hold on tighter, but she resisted. She might not know what to expect from him, but she wouldn’t allow herself to be needy now. Sh
e did have a little self-respect, after all.
“I’ve done things a little out of order here,” Joe said with a sheepish grin. “I was supposed to take you out on a real date and impress you, and then, if I was very well-behaved, you could decide whether to let me give you a good-night kiss.”
“Sounds like a pretty rigid set of rules. You have to realize our friendship—” she paused, unsure how to define their relationship now “—hasn’t ever been by the book. Even the way we met…”
“Even so, out of order or not, I want to take you to dinner. Tonight.” He nodded his head. “I mean, if you’re available.”
She couldn’t help grinning at him. “I am, I guess.”
“Wait. You never told me your news.”
“Oh, that.” Funny, how her shiny news had lost some of its luster in light of recent events. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m starting to remember.”
“Remember? Oh,” he said, as he appeared to realize what she was talking about. An unreadable look fell across his features.
“Just a few details, but it’s something.”
“Well…that’s great.”
He didn’t seem all that enthusiastic, but she didn’t expect him to be after he’d once asked her if she really wanted to know those missing details. Maybe as someone who’d been there, he wished he could protect her from having to remember the things he’d seen.
Pulling his cell phone from the pocket on his belt, he tapped a button and looked at the screen. “I’d better get back to work if I plan to keep my job.”
She hated to see him go, but she still had dinner tonight to look forward to. “You didn’t even get anything to eat for lunch.”
“I have everything I need.” He reached over and rested his hand on hers again. “So I’ll see you tonight, then? And if I impress you and I’m very well-behaved…”
Lindsay didn’t even hesitate as she leaned in and touched her mouth to his in a tiny demonstration of the overwhelming feelings filling her heart to bursting. She could feel Joe smiling against her lips, and the sides of her mouth lifted, as well.
“Why are you kissing Trooper Joe?”
Jerking their heads apart, they both turned to find Emma standing with the glass door cracked open, staring out at them.
Joe was the first to recover. “Hey, Emma, is your movie over?”
Lindsay pulled herself to standing, using the rail, and then held her breath as she waited for her niece to answer. What if Emma asked more questions? How could she explain their relationship to a three-year-old when she and Joe hadn’t even defined it yet?
But Emma only shook her head as she stepped out on the porch and let the door close. “It’s not over. I’m hungry. Can we have lunch?”
Joe and Lindsay exchanged looks and then laughed.
Lindsay cleared her throat. “Lunch. I think that could be arranged.”
Careful not to touch Joe as she passed him and give Emma another reason to ask questions, she rested her hand on the child’s shoulder to lead her inside.
“But remember not to eat too much now,” Joe said.
“Why not?” Emma wanted to know.
“The three of us are going out to dinner at six,” he told her before looking up to Lindsay. “Is six okay?”
She nodded.
“And dress casual. Is pizza okay with everyone?”
“Yay! Pizza!” Emma announced.
He glanced at Lindsay, waiting on her nod. “Then six it is. One romantic dinner for three coming up.”
Joe smiled that grin that still made butterflies dance in Lindsay’s belly, and she knew she would be counting down the minutes until dinnertime. She wondered how she could have been so blessed to find such an amazing man, one who was more than happy to make their first date a trio outing.
She hadn’t reached the point of planning the logistics of a date—who she would find to care for Emma, what she would wear, how she would do her hair—and Joe had taken care of the most important detail. Ever since she’d become Emma’s guardian, she’d felt this need to handle everything, and here Joe had given her the chance to just sit back and enjoy the ride. She couldn’t help feeling relief in that.
But it was more than relief. She knew it was too soon to even be tempted to think it, but Lindsay couldn’t help wondering if God had special plans for her and Joe. As unlikely as it would have seemed from that first day at the Brighton Post, she was beginning to believe that God might have intended all along for them to be a family—Joe, Emma and her.
Somehow, she knew, too, that Delia would understand.
Later that night, Joe stared across the booth at the two people who, in a whirlwind of only a few weeks, had come to mean more to him than anyone else in his life. He didn’t care anymore how that could have happened, how they all could have reached this point, because there was no place he would rather have been.
Sure, his misgivings were still there, scratching at the edges of a perfect picture, but he wouldn’t listen to them. Not now. He wouldn’t allow himself to worry about the words he still hadn’t told her, either. Not tonight.
He’d made a choice to be with Lindsay. He’d chosen her and the child in her care over the career he’d once thought he loved above all things, and he understood that he would have to prepare for the fallout of that decision. Right now, though, he only wanted to think about having a great night with these two special ladies.
Lindsay looked beautiful in her jeans and a sleeveless floral blouse, with her hair falling long about her shoulders. Her soft hands were gripped together in that nervous habit of hers. Lindsay glanced up and caught her watching him, but only looked down again at those wrestling hands.
He liked that he made her nervous now, maybe as much as he had when they’d first met. The rules and boundaries had changed between them today, and whether he’d apologized or not for skewing the order of events with regard to their first kiss, he didn’t want to take any of it back.
Kissing Lindsay Collins had felt like one of the most significant statements in his life, a promise he shouldn’t have been making so quickly but wanted to make anyway. He also wanted to kiss her again and would have done it right now in front of the other patrons and wait staff if he wasn’t worried it would shock Emma.
“How did you say you found this place?” Lindsay said, glancing around at the stark ambiance.
He grinned as he took a good look around at what she had to see. Leonetti’s was just a hole-in-the-wall, mom-and-pop pizza joint, with pitted softwood booths and barely enough light to see faces across the table.
“We check out a lot of restaurants when we’re out on patrol. We especially look for places that are five-oh friendly.” At her questioning look, he explained, “That means they give police a discount.”
“So Leonetti’s passed the litmus test?”
He nodded. “That, and it has great pizza, too. I promised you the best in Oakland County, and this is it.”
“Their breadsticks are already a hit.” She indicated with a nod of her head toward Emma, who was already putting away a second of a pair of fluffy sticks that the proprietor had brought as soon as they were seated.
“So, good place for a first date?” he asked.
“It’s pretty good for a first first date.” She grinned. “If I had a basis for comparison, I might be choosier.”
He shook his head, still not believing. “I thought you were exaggerating about that. Oh, well. Tonight would have been a significant first date, no matter what.” He indicated the child next to her with a tilt of his head.
“You mean, you don’t usually take kids on your dates?”
“Well, I’d always hoped for one like that, but…” He let his words trail away as he watched Emma munching on her bread, too entranced by a football game playing on a flat-screen TV in the corner to pay any attention to the adults around her.
Anyone seeing the three of them together probably would assume that they were a family, even if Emma didn’t really resemble
either of them except that her eyes looked like Lindsay’s. Emotion clogged his throat as he thought of other children who probably took dinners out with their parents for granted while Emma would have no memory of ordinary events like that with her mother and father. All of those memories that combined to form a happy childhood would be provided for Emma by a woman who knew little about children but had learned everything she could for her sake.
“Can we have pizza now?” Emma wanted to know as soon as she’d chewed the last bite of breadstick.
Joe sent a hopeful look toward the kitchen. “I sure hope so because if we get dinner over, we can have dessert.”
Lindsay’s frown turned into a grin. “Don’t even think about dessert until after dinner.” To Emma she added, “They probably have the pizza in the oven right now, but while we’re waiting, we need to show Trooper Joe how to lose at tic-tac-toe.”
She flipped over her place mat and started drawing crisscross pairs of parallel lines to set up the game. Emma hadn’t quite gotten the game down yet, but she got a kick out of drawing all of those X’s and O’s.
By the time he’d allowed himself to be defeated three times and a large hand-tossed pepperoni had arrived, Joe had come to the conclusion that he wanted to be a part of these ordinary moments with Lindsay longterm. If he really wanted that, he needed to tell Lindsay the whole story about the accident. She might never remember more than the glimpses her memory had given her, but she deserved to know it all, no matter what it cost him.
Lindsay once would have said that he only wanted to be with her for her niece’s sake because they came as a package deal, but he would have to tell her that the opposite was true now. He wanted to care for Emma because he was in love with the little girl’s guardian.
Was it all happening too quickly? He couldn’t help but wonder. Was he ready to take a risk like this, to race forward when he’d been content for so long just jogging in place? He’d made a mistake once before by jumping in with his heart instead of taking the time to think. Was he jumping in this time?
