by Harlow Brown
One thing was for sure, I never had to wonder where I stood with her. I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't say a thing and let her storm off. Seems that might the smartest thing I could’ve done.
I milled around the kitchen wasting time. I wanted to give her plenty of time to get where she was going without seeing me. Finally, it felt like it had been long enough, so I headed upstairs for bed. When I passed her room, I overheard her talking to Raige and Haze.
"He is so moody, like, worse than a girl. I realize he has a good reason, or so he says. I am beginning to think he wasn’t burned, and he is just an asshole by nature. Gah, why can't I find a normal guy to talk to? Is that too much to ask?"
"Rumor, why are you wanting to talk to him anyway? You know how he is. Honey, I love you, with all my heart, but if you keep going back after he treats you like shit, baby, that’s on you. People get away with what you let them get away with."
"I never thought I would say this, but Haze is right. He has shown you who he really is, and he isn't worth your time. I mean, why are you tore up about him in the first place? You don’t even know him." Raige mentioned.
On a long sigh out, "I don’t know. It's hard to explain. When he isn't captain cranky pants, he is really cool to talk to. I like him when he is normal. It is proving to be a chore to figure out when CCP is going to make a surprise return."
They had gotten out of her what I hoped I would and would never hear all at the same time. I liked her too, but I really felt this was dangerous for us both. Neither of us were capable of any kind of relationship. The thought of this made me nauseous and made my head spin. I turned and headed to my room. As I was about to reach for the light switch, I heard, "What is your problem?" from across the hall.
I looked at Chief and rolled my eyes. He knew good and well my problem was Rumor.
"So, you still haven't let shit go and just talked to her, I see."
"You know it ain't that easy." I say as I walk into his room instead of mine.
"Why isn't it? Huh? You say that you’ve already lost everything, so what do you have to lose? Nothing."
I looked at him and let his words sink in for a minute, but I still wasn't having any part of it.
"I have my sanity and past to lose."
"Lose your past huh? Explain that to me, would you? I’m intrigued to find out how the hell that is possible. As for your sanity, Fury, you haven't been sane since I met you. You have always been somewhat off. I can't tell you what exactly isn't quite right, but you ain't like the rest of us. We love you all the same, but you are definitely different."
"I have to be closed off and you know that."
"Yes, you’re right. However, you are using that as a crutch. Damn it Legend, that girl likes you, and I can tell you like her. You’re going to fuck up and run her off if you aren't careful. Pull your head out of your ass." He roared.
He called me Legend. He never calls me Legend. It's as if I am an errant child that is being scolded.
"Chief, I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I’m not ready to face this shit yet, and I don’t know if I ever want to be. I do know that I am drawn to Rumor, and I enjoy her company. I know I can't stop thinking about her, and it makes me crazy. This can't happen.”
"Fury," he sighed, "If you let yourself, you might just have a good time, that’s if she lets you talk to her again. It sounds like you really pissed her off this time. Here’s to hoping you haven’t screwed up to the point that you are nothing to her.”
Nothing to her. Could I handle being someone else's nothing? I am nothing to Daisy, nothing more than a memory and a sperm donor. There was no question, Rumor would never be put in that position. I would see to that. Rumor needed to stay away from me, and I had to prove my asshole ways, or go away for a week. With the poker game coming up and Jay coming over, getting away was nixed.
"Chief, I have made up my mind. It’s best for everyone if this doesn’t get any farther. It wouldn’t be fair to her. I can't give her what she deserves."
"Fury, you're so goddamned dense sometimes, you make me want to throat punch you. Aren't you forgetting that there isn't a relationship? There is nothing between you two. You think she is hot, and she seems to like you for whatever unknown reason. There are no vows being said, no mortgages to pay, no parents to meet. You are a guy she seems to have something in common with, and she is a girl that has caught your eye. Stop thinking about the future that doesn’t exist. Why can't you just take the girl to dinner and talk, or walk down the beach, or take her on a ride? None of those things I just mentioned involved vows, mortgages, or parents."
He had a point. I feel sure that if I did that, Rumor would be that much harder to let go at the end of the week. I would still feel like I was deceiving her. The way I am drawn to her is so strong that it scares me. I can easily see myself falling for her, but I can't let that happen. I needed to be alone. There was so much in my head that I had to sort, and clearly Chief didn't see things the way I did.
"Night Chief." I got up and stormed out of the room only to pop back in and tell him we are hosting a poker game tomorrow night, so he needed to have Riddick stock up.
I reached my room, the room that has been my home since I started over. Maybe it would give me a good quiet place to think. I slammed my door like it was the door’s fault that I was in this predicament. I ripped off my shirt and flung my old, faded, holy jeans across the room. That didn’t help my mood either. I did the same thing with my socks. I stood in my boxers and breathed heavily and angrily. I’m not sure who I am mad at. Not Rumor. She didn’t do anything wrong. I suppose I was mad at myself. I was pissed off that I wanted to talk to her, but I couldn’t. No one deserves what I potentially bring to the table. I couldn’t afford for any information about me to be leaked. I hated not being able to talk about it. I often wondered if I ever did find another person, what harm would come of telling her about my past. If I was with someone and trusted them enough to commit to them and them to me, I could trust them with everything, right? I felt the need to talk to someone about it. Not my brothers. I still am not sure about a couple of them. I might tell Magnum and Whiskey someday, but that is it, and even that is very doubtful. Briar, I don’t know that well, and Riddick pisses me off by just looking at him. I just wasn’t risking it.
It was time that I stopped the spinning in my head, the back and forth of wanting to talk to her, and then being pissed off because she tried to talk to me. The constant tugging of the yes and no was exhausting. I climbed into bed and shut my eyes. Still unable to calm down, I decided I needed to smoke. I put on pants and went outside on the deck and sat in the chair that Rumor usually occupied. I was lost in thought as I puffed on my smoke. I laid back and relaxed a bit after I snuffed it out, and just listened to the sounds of the night. Before I drifted off, I saw Daisy and Rumor vividly in my mind. Daisy was with the kid and her new man, and Rumor was alone. Daisy didn’t have a care in the world, and Rumor held the world on her shoulders. Was it a sign? Or was I wanting it to be a sign? Was it just a crazy story I saw play out in that crazy place when you are stuck between sleep and consciousness? Only time would tell.
Chapter 10
Rumor
I HATED THAT I was the early riser. I stirred around and felt for my slippers, so I could head out to the deck. Peace and quiet awaited me there. I gently moved about, got to the door, softly opened it, and slipped out, careful not to wake the other girls.
Once I made it down stairs, I headed straight for the coffee. I was trying to be quiet, so I opened the cupboards to find a big mug, then went to the fridge for the half and half. I made my coffee and headed out to the deck. I was headed to the same chair I had been in yesterday, and I stopped and took in the sunrise. It really was gorgeous. The displays of different shades of oranges and yellows were a sight to see. The sunrises on the beach were far different from the mountainous ones we have back home.
I walked over to the chair and found a sleeping Fury. The thought cros
sed my mind to dump my coffee on him, but I refrained. I went to another chair and refused to let that cranky bastard ruin my sunrise. Last night I did some soul searching, thanks to Haze, and decided that I wasn't going to get myself in a tizzy and get my feelings hurt over him. He didn't get to have that kind of power over me. I was here to enjoy the beach and the company of my girls, and that was what I would do. It was a shame, too. I think we could have been good friends. I guess the part of me that isn’t pissed off at him still wishes that we could be friends. I think he could be really fun, just not at the expense of my sanity.
I wiped my mind clean and forced myself to stop thinking about him. I found peace within myself, as I enjoyed the sights in front of me, as the colors of the morning became more vivid. Rolling with situations as they came has begun to be my new strong suit.
I sipped from my cup and relished in the serenity of the morning. I was completely in another world, when I was brought back by Fury getting my attention. Nerves started to buzz about, but I didn’t let him know it.
"Rumor, I…", he paused and hung his head. Clearly the battle wasn’t an easy one to fight.
"Don't. Just don't, okay? This is what it is, you are who you are, and I won't be here long anyhow, yeah?" I cut him off and stood to walk back into the house for a refill.
"I don’t know how to do this."
I froze dead in my tracks. After the shock of what he said wore off slightly, I turned around with a fed-up tone said, "Do what, Fury? Huh? You can't talk? You can't figure out how to not be an asshole? What can't you do?"
"Look, I like hanging out with you. You're fun to be with and I think we could really be good friends, but no one deserves the kind of baggage that I carry. I don't want that on you."
"Huh, last time I checked, I was a big girl, remember? And could decide what I could and couldn't handle. I don’t recall having a man make that decision for me, but thanks for having faith in me. It means a lot." I spun around and stormed off to the kitchen.
Only, little did I know, he followed me. He didn’t even give me a chance to stop his words. He just lit right in with, "Oddly enough, I have all the faith in the world that you don’t need a guy. There are just certain things that I can't discuss, and it's not fair to you for me not be honest, especially when you have shared so much with me. Had I known ahead of time that we were going to fight or bicker or whatever the hell this is, I would have gladly left and stayed at a hotel while y’all were here."
"You don't get to judge what is fair for me, so stop. You don’t get to decide what I think is fair. Here is what I think. I think you are a coward and are scared of the unknown. You are afraid of risks, and you are afraid of feeling something. Fury, whatever happened in your past, you are using as a crutch, a cop-out. You could care about someone and not give your heart to them, you know? I would love to have a friend to talk to or hang out with that had something in common with me. Why couldn’t that be us, huh? I don’t need protecting from whatever it is you think you are protecting me from. It is going to be a lonely life for you if you don’t open up to someone and get over yourself. Whatever happened to you is in your past, so fuckin' leave it there. You aren't that person anymore. None of that matters now. You have yourself a pretty decent thing going on here in PCB and there is no reason for you to be such an asshole to everyone. No one here deserves the way you treat them. You, sir, need to get some shit worked out in your head. I can promise you that I am done making the effort to reach out to you. Whatever you choose to do is fine by me, but you are done treating me the way you have. If having me here is such a big deal for you and ruining your life, I will gladly leave and go to a hotel. Just say the word and I'm out."
I was proud of the way I stood up for myself and put the ball back in his court. I wanted to be friends, but it was truly up to him. I wasn’t going to beg to be a part of his life. I am better than that.
"You’re right, okay? There are so many things going on in my head, and it's just hard."
"It's hard? Newsflash, life is hard. Life isn't fair, and it isn’t easy. You, Fury, ain't special. Seriously, get over yourself." I stopped long enough to breathe and fix more coffee, and then I started heading back outside.
"I have never had someone stand up to me like you do. I don’t really know how to act. You call me out and it pisses me off. You don't understand what I have been through, so you don’t know why it's so difficult for me to make friends."
"Right, I understand. The reason I don’t get it is because you won't tell me. Maybe, one day you will. I am not asking you to right now. I’m only stating a fact and making a point that this is still all on you. You are the reason your life is the way it is. If you want it different, then change it. You are the only one that can. Now, I want peace and quiet. Is that something you can handle, or do I need to go for a walk?"
He looked at me as if he wanted to say something, but he didn’t say a word. He sat down in the chair that I was in last night. His silence gave me a chance to let my mind catch up from the conversation we just had. It’s a waiting game now. Does he stop being a childish asshole, or do I forget this crazy notion that the fucker has the capability to have a real friend?
As I watched the sun rise over the horizon, my brain took over and I reached a place of contentment. I realized, and came to terms with the fact that, he might not be capable of any of this. Not everyone is cut out for human interaction, clearly, he was one of those types.
I looked over at him and he gazed at the same sky with a different scowl on his face. I could almost hear the words he was tossing around in his head. He scrunched his nose up, squeezed his eyes shut, and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I’m sorry. I was wrong, and I have no right treating you like I have. You’ve done nothing wrong. Will you forgive me? Can we start over…again?"
I turned and looked back at him with my mouth gaped open. I searched his face and could see the worry etched in his profile. Did I want to forget and forgive? Or did I want to just be done and go my own way and enjoy the beach? Either were fine with me honestly.
"That is up to you. It seems as if we are getting good at starting over. If you can be a decent human, then yes I would love to."
"I mean, all the way over?"
"What are you talking about, Fury?"
"I mean, you have made it clear that you like me, and I have told you that I like you, too. I don’t kiss just anyone, and I don’t keep putting myself through this mental clusterfuck for anyone, either. Why don’t we go out for breakfast and coffee, yeah?” He swallowed. “Chief better be right about this." I heard him mumble under his breath.
"Are you asking me out on a date?"
"I think that’s what this is. It’s been so long since I have done it though, so I'm not sure I did it right." He only half joked.
"I am kind of hungry, and a breakfast date sounds nice. I will go get dressed. Be back in a few minutes."
"I'll change myself and be ready when you are."
I walked to the top of the stairs and looked back down. I saw Fury taking in a big sigh of relief. For a moment, all of my worry and nervousness washed away.
I changed my clothes, brushed my teeth, and put my hair in a top knot. When I got to the top of the stairs, I overheard Chief and Fury talking.
"Yeah, we are going out for breakfast and coffee."
"Don't screw this up. You have a tendency to sabotage yourself.”
Thoughts of this intense man flew through my head. What is he hiding? Or was that what he was protecting me from? Whatever it is, I wanted to know. I was intrigued by this man, and the life he had prior to the one here after hearing that statement. I know that I can’t know, as he shared with me several times before. However, the interest is still there. I will be good and not hound him for info, like I said I wouldn’t.
I made my way down stairs and stared out at the ocean. The seagulls swooped down for breakfast and entertained me until Fury came back.
"You ready?"
"I think so."
"Not dressed like that, you ain't."
"What’s wrong with how I'm dressed?"
"Nothing, if we were taking a car."
"You want to take the bike?"
He looked at me long and hard, "I don't often ride in cars if I can avoid it. Hence, biker." He pointed to himself and to the bike.
"I deserved that. I will go throw on some pants."
"And tennis shoes or boots. No flip flops or sandals."
"Is there anything else I should know about the dress attire? Perhaps when I come back down, I will meet your criteria?" I said with a grin and a wink as I went back up stairs.
We took a short drive to a local diner and sat in a booth at the back. He took one side and I took the other. He strategically sat in the seat that faced the door so he could see everyone that came in. It seems as if he has trust issues with the world.
"My name is Pearl, and I will be taking care of you this morning. What can I get you to drink?"
"Water and black coffee for me. Rumor, what do you want?"
