An Unfinished Life

by Wasowski, Mary

  I took the stairs two at a time and rapped on the double French doors. Their cars were here, and I saw lights coming off the kitchen that led to the back deck. I waited another beat, then walked around. I didn’t want to frighten them, or heaven forbid walk in on them in a compromising position. Yeah, they do that with the shades open. Living out here gives them lots of privacy.

  Where the heck are they? I thought as I continued to look around the house. I couldn’t access anything else without a key, so I just took a minute to take in the amazing view. The sun had set for the night, leaving hues of beautiful colors bouncing off the waves. I’m not all that religious, but taking in all of this beauty, I almost felt God’s presence here. It was no wonder why Simon was so passionate about what he did. He worked so hard preserving what most of us took for granted.

  Just then I heard laughter coming up the stairs and a loud thud to the deck.

  “Those waves were spectacular, Simon, but I’m still afraid of the sharks. Next time, you can do the night surfing, while I just watch safely from the shore,” I heard Nicolette tell my brother.

  “Baby, how many times do I have to tell you? It’s perfectly safe out there. I’ve taken on the waters of Australia and South Africa, and nothing has ever happened,” Simon reassured her.

  “Yeah, yeah, husband, but our children are not going out there anytime soon.”

  “Wrong again, baby. Our babies were just out there, because my baby mama was out there, so your statement is squashed.”

  “Oh, Simon! I wasn’t really surfing. It was more like sitting.”

  “You stood up once, and you glided in, so that counts my love. I’m starving! Let’s put the steaks on.”

  I was tucked in the corner, and just as they passed me—hand in hand, of course—I popped out and said, “I’ll take mine medium well.”

  “Oh my God! Jacob!?! What are you doing here?” Nicolette asked after the shock wore off.

  She immediately let go of Simon’s hand and jumped into my arms. It felt so good at this moment to be with her and my brother, who was staring at me as if he was looking at a ghost. My fault, this I know. It just reaffirmed once again that I’d been away from my family for more time than I ever expected to.

  “It is so good to see you, Nicolette. You look beautiful. And congratulations to you, Mommy-to-be. I can’t wait to meet my nephew or niece.”

  “Oh, thank you, Jacob. I’m sure that…” Nicolette hesitated and turned to look over to Simon. “Can we tell him, honey?”

  Simon, who still was not talking, simply nodded and smiled back to his wife. Nicolette’s cheeks reddened. She was glowing.

  “Like I was about to say, I’m sure that our children will love their Uncle Jacob.”

  “Children? Plural? Twins? That’s amazing news! Does the family know?”

  “No, not yet. We wanted to wait to make sure I could even hold the pregnancy, and so far everything is going great. I’m in my second trimester now, and my doctor says there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to carry our twins to nearly full-term. They hope for me to make it to 36 weeks with my health history.”

  “Sorry for asking, sis, but should you really be surfing in your condition? I hate to sound sexist, but is it safe?”

  “You’re not being sexist. You’re being the concerned big brother who we love very much. I wasn’t really doing anything physical out there. I’ve been through a lot, but I’m healthy and strong, and I know our babies will be too.”

  “I’m so happy for you both. I can’t wait to meet them.”

  I hugged her again and didn’t miss my brother scowling at me. Nicolette excused herself to go tend to dinner, giving me some time with Simon.

  After she was a safe distance away, I started to say something to him, but he walked by me and said, “Not here. Follow me down to the beach.”

  I could do nothing but follow. He was angry at me, and I really couldn’t blame him. We were always very close, and then I simply just checked out and fell off the grid. My father certainly told me how he felt about my non-presence in our family, so now I was ready to hear it from Simon.

  We walked a bit with Simon not saying anything, and I continued to follow until he turned around to look at me.

  “You asshole!” he screamed, and then I was stunned and knocked on my ass with a punch to my jaw.

  What the hell! I knew he was mad at me and had every right to be, but to hit me? I never saw that coming, and that blow fucking hurt. How did my scrawny kid brother deliver such a powerhouse punch to a guy like me? It was almost humorous, but I didn’t want to tell him that and risk getting punched again.

  Simon was standing over me, almost breathing fire. The only time I have ever seen him look like this was when Nicolette left him years ago, and he thought he lost her forever. It took me and our two brothers to hold him tightly in our hold. He was completely devastated.

  “Can I get up now? Or are you going to hit me again?”

  I wiped the blood from my lip and slowly stood up.

  “That depends on you, big brother. Why are you here after all of this time? Where were you all the times I needed you? You weren’t the only one going through a tough time. Yes, I had Andrew and Cameron when time allowed them to come out here, but it was you who I really needed. Where was my big brother to talk me down, tell me that everything is going to be okay? You weren’t here, not for me, not for anyone. So why are you here now? Why are you back?”

  Every word Simon said was absolutely spot on. I could do nothing to defend myself. I abandoned my family and chose to hide behind my shield while grieving for Minela. I shut all my friends out and just walked away. I turned to look at Simon, who was still clearly upset with me just showing up here without warning. This was not how I saw our reunion playing out.

  “Simon, you will never know how sorry I am for not being here for you. Dad told me about the miscarriages. I can’t even begin to understand what you and Nicolette have been through. All I’m asking is that you take a second to also understand what I’ve been through. These last few years have been the hardest ones in my life, and after all this time, I’m finally coming up for air.”

  “I tried to be there for you Jake, but you shut me out. How many times did I fly out to New York, Washington, or wherever you were working to be there for you? Huh? And you turned away from me at every turn. It was like you exiled yourself to your own private island. An army of one, yeah…that’s you.”

  “I’m sorry, bro. I am so sorry that I hurt you.”

  “Yeah, so you say.”

  “Simon, look at me, dammit! Now, I love you, so don’t stand here and pretend that all our years as brothers have meant nothing to you, because that is simply not true. People make mistakes, little brother. I made mistakes, but I’m here now and am asking you to forgive me for them, please?”

  I took a step back to give him space. I saw his hurt, and then his lip quivered and I knew I was forgiven. He charged at me like a bull—apparently, that’s what we Paulsons do—and I opened my arms to catch him. He hit my back with his fist a few times, never loosening the grip he had on me. He cried and told me how much he missed me, but he wasn’t sorry for punching me. I accepted that, and when he calmed down, we finally talked.

  “How’s your hand?” I asked.

  “It hurts. How’s your face?”

  “It hurts, but I’ll live.”

  “You can’t do this again, Jake.”

  “Do what?”

  “Leave. No matter what, we are a family. We are stronger together than apart, and we need you in our lives. It’s time to come home, and I don’t mean to California, but back to our family. You can’t just check out for months at a time, or years like you’ve been doing. I’m about to become a father…do you even know how scared I am? Every time my beautiful girl up there even sneezes, my heart constricts. We’ve lost two babies already, and she’s never made it this far. I can’t go through that again. It nearly destroyed us. We just went numb and drifted awa
y from each other for a while, and then one day, we had hope again.”

  “I’m sorry, Simon. I had no idea things were that rough for you and Nicolette. I should have been here. Maybe you should hit me again?”

  He smiled, and the easygoing flow we always had as brothers slowly returned. Simon continued to bring me up to speed.

  “Nicolette had asked me to meet her down to the beach. It was our special place, on the same dune I found her at when she had taken off from her parents’ house. That day I vowed to never to leave her, to love her forever, and always take care of her. I begged her not to run and to trust me with her heart. We were drowning in our grief over the loss of our babies, and the thought of us not making it was just incomprehensible. Nicolette had immediately put together a nursery, and she practically slept in that room. She was happier than I had ever seen her, even topping our wedding day. We were picking out names and baby carriages, and then one day, our baby was gone. It was devastating.”

  My brother wiped some tears away from his eyes, and then continued with his story.

  “We went to therapy and tried to come to terms with what the doctors were telling us. ‘Some babies were just not meant to be born.’ I heard that before when Nicolette lost her first child and nearly her life. Fuck! Just talking about it still makes my stomach sick. We got through it, Jake. And after some time, she handed me another white pee stick with two lines on it. We were here again with new hope in our hearts, but also fear. And then that baby went away. Another loss we endured, and it nearly destroyed us. Jake, when I showed up at our spot, I didn’t know what Nicolette would say to me. My heart was bleeding out from our losses, and at the end of the day, all I wanted was my wife. I walked up to the dune, and there she was waiting for me on a blanket, candles lit, and wearing a smile that would bring the toughest men to their knees.”

  Simon talks about his heart bleeding out? How did I not know all of this? Simon wore his heart and feelings on his sleeve for the world to see, where in my case, I hid and shut down. We had a few spaces between us. I could see the anguish on his face as he relived the past. I still hadn’t told him why I was here, and a part of me wanted to never tell him, but I knew I couldn’t do that.

  “Hey Simon, we don’t have to talk about this anymore. Again, I’m just so sorry for not being here when you needed me to.”

  “No, it’s okay Jake. I want to tell you the happy part. It’s good, so listen. So back to the beach. I was completely blown away by her romantic gesture, but then I shouldn’t have been surprised. We knew our love could conquer anything that challenged it, so in the end we put our trust not only in each other, but to God himself. We made love under the moonlight in our special place, where we sealed our love for each other all those years ago back in high school. I had my Nicolette back, and we promised nothing would ever come between us again. And now here we are, big brother. I’m going to be a father to twins. It is truly a miracle. And yes, it’s going to be a surprise. We don’t want to know the sex of the babies.”

  “That’s amazing, Simon. Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  “Thank you. And I’m sorry for yours. We loved Minela, you know that.”

  “I do, and she felt the same way about all of us Paulsons.”

  “Are you okay, Jake? I get that there is no timetable on grief, but have you finally been able to accept her death? Are you seeing anyone? Are you happy?”

  “Yes. Maybe. And I’m getting there. I won’t lie, Simon, my personal life has been a shit storm for the past few years, but I’m fighting my way back to the land of the living, and I promise I will never stray too far away again from our family. I can’t believe I’m going to be an uncle.”

  We talked for what seemed like hours. How did I think I would be able to just quickly stop by and be on my way? I had re-scheduled my flight for first thing in the morning. I still hadn’t told them about Michael, and once dinner was over, I had to find the courage to do so.

  Simon started a fire in the massive pit they had in the corner of the deck. Over the years, they added some upgrades to this amazing beach house. It was going to be a great place to raise their family. We chatted some more about our brothers and how well they were doing on their teams.

  Simon was so animated when he talked about his work and their recent trip on the discovery. He was diving off the reefs and collecting samples for his latest research. Nicolette just smiled with pride at her husband. They were so much in love, which made it hard for me to say what I needed to say.

  Hearing Simon relive parts of his past that caused him so much pain was difficult to listen to, but now time had run out and I had no choice. My face had fallen a bit, and I knew they could tell that something was weighing heavily on my mind.

  “What’s on your mind, Jake?”

  Simon leaned down onto his knees and looked at me with seriousness in his eyes. None of us Paulsons ever could hide anything from the other. It was our connection as brothers.

  I needed a little liquid courage to get through this conversation. I cleared my throat and took the last gulp of my drink. Simon was still staring at me, and then Nicolette rubbed her hand on her belly. Fuck! This was going to be hard.

  “I’m actually out here for work. After I wrapped up my case in New York, I was excited to know that my next assignment was here in California. The thought of seeing my family made me very happy. It was my intention to surprise all of you, and to make amends for time lost, but then plans changed. Next to you, I’ve only seen dad, and I’m asking you both not to tell mom that I was here. I’ve already delayed my flight, and I have to leave in the morning. I have no time to see her, unfortunately.”

  “What’s going on, Jake? Why did your plans change with this assignment?”

  “This case is different from anything else I’ve ever taken on. Typically, I can keep my personal feelings out of my work life. It’s how I’m able to do what I do so well and stay focused. But this case…it’s very complicated and personal. This case involves someone directly connected to you, Nicolette, and I’ve been asked to take the lead on this investigation—well, more like it’s being forced onto me with no out clauses.”

  “Who, Jake? I can’t imagine anyone I know could be in trouble,” she asked, and then her eyes shifted and her hold tightened in Simon’s hand. “No! It can’t be.”

  She began to cry, as if she already knew what I was going to say.

  Simon jumped in, “Baby, calm down right now. You don’t even know what’s going on, and you getting excited is not good for our babies. Take a deep breath, and focus on your breathing.”

  After a few moments, she was calmer, and then Simon turned back to me and asked me to explain.

  “Simon, Nicolette, there is no easy way to say this, and I am sorry for any pain it will cause you…Michael St. Clair is dead.”

  I watched Simon and then Nicolette for some kind of sign, but they just remained silent where they sat and stared blankly back at me. There was nothing…absolutely no reaction. Were they in shock? Did they even care?

  “Did you hear what I said? Michael St. Clair is dead.”

  “Oh for fuck sakes, Jacob! We heard you the first time. You don’t have to say it again,” Nicolette screamed out, taking me by surprise. “I’m sorry, but what do you expect me to say? I would never wish this on anyone, and I’m sure his father is grieving over the loss of his son, but believe me, Jake, I have had my share of grief and I am so over it. I put him and what he did to me away and buried them deep into my past. I will not allow him to hurt me again, not even from the grave.”

  Simon took Nicolette into his arms and just held her as she cried, calming her the best way he knew how, while I just sat here with many questions.

  “Nicolette, I’m not here to hurt you, although I knew the news would. Your reaction to the news surprised me, as well as the outburst that followed. I can understand that this is painful, but this case involves someone else connected to you.”


  “Back off, Jake. I’m warning you.”

  Simon gritted his teeth, but I wasn’t a brother right now. I had to be a cop if I was going to protect them, and right now I needed information.

  “Nicolette, because this crime was committed in prison, it has caught the attention of the FBI, and they have a suspect in mind. It’s your Uncle Jack. Although they don’t have anything on him yet, they do have a timeline—one that matches up to when Michael was murdered. Jack was here in California at the time of the murder.”

  She stepped out of my brother’s protective embrace and walked over to the railing, looking out to the ocean.

  “What are you saying, Jacob? Because my uncle was here in California, he had to be the one who killed Michael? His entire family lives out here, so he has a perfectly good reason to visit. How could he have known that Michael would be killed at the same time he was here?”

  “That may be true, but I still have to investigate it.”

  “He didn’t do it, Jake!” she shouted at me.

  “And what makes you so sure, Nicolette?” I countered.

  “He promised me, that’s how I know. God! I can’t believe this is happening.”

  I watched her pace the room. Something in her eyes shifted from confidence to doubt. Does she know more? She covered her mouth to stifle her cries. I looked back to Simon, who wasn’t doing a great job at hiding his contempt for me at the moment. His fists were balled at his sides, and he looked ready to pounce if necessary to protect his wife.

  I chose my life when I became a cop and accepted that sometimes I would have to do what was necessary to seek the truth, but I never wanted this right here, seeing my family hurt by my profession. Although she was a cop and fully aware of the risks of the job, Minela became collateral damage with a bullet that was meant for me, and I could do nothing to save her. Here I was again, putting my family in a precarious position because of my job, and hurting my brother and his wife. Nicolette looked pained, and Simon wasn’t calming down. He and I already went one round tonight. I didn’t want a repeat of what happened between us on the beach.