I phoned down to the concierge and ordered up a bottle of my favorite bourbon. He cleared his throat when he said how much this vintage would cost me.
I told him, “Yeah, I know. Send it up.”
I didn’t have my Sara. I didn’t have my brother. I had never felt more alone in all of my life, so I decided to drink a little. Then a little turned into a lot.
Catholicism wasn’t lost to me. I kept that part of my life separate from the others. I could hear mama now…
“Giovanni, my sweet boy. Pray with me. We say a passage from St. Francis. Oh, my sweet boy! You need peace of mind. You worry too much for me when it’s my job to care for you.”
She recited the prayer by memory, and then kissed my forehead.
“I love you, my son. Now, you sleep.”
My heavy eyelids closed, and I did what I remembered to do…I prayed for peace.
The shrill of my phone was beckoning my eyes to open. My head was pounding, and my mouth tasted like cotton. I’m too old for this shit! I had been drinking too much since Sara left me, and my body was feeling the effects from it. I rolled over and squinted at the clock. Who was calling me at seven am? I reached for it, nearly knocking over the lamp that was next to it. I slid my finger across the screen to hear Max calling out my name.
“Jack, where are you? I’ve been calling you all night. Madonne’! What the fuck?”
I dropped the phone to my bed while Max continued to yell at me in English, Italian, and whatever other languages he would choose when he had reached his limit. I sat up leaning against the headboard and gathered my bearings. When I picked up the phone, he was still cursing.
“Basta! You said what you had to say, so now shut the hell up, Max. What’s got you so upset? The sun has barely risen out here and I’m not awake yet, so you better have a damn good reason for calling me at this hour.”
“What do you want me to say, Jack? You refused to come back with me, and then when I call you last night, you barely say two words to me. I’ve seen you like this before, which makes you very dangerous. You are unprotected out there. You need to get back to Chicago.”
“I can take care of myself, Max. I’m over this conversation already. I’ll call you when I get back.”
“And when might that be? Come on, my friend! Give me something.”
“I don’t know.”
I ended the call and then turned my phone off. Scrubbing my face with my hands, trying to shake off yesterday, my mind drifted back to my dreams. I saw my mother. She was speaking to me in Italian, and we were praying. She looked worried for me and wanted to make it all go away so I could sleep in peace.
When mama was dying, I held her hand to comfort her. She knew her time was coming and was only strong enough to talk in short turns. She would tire easily, and I didn’t want to put her through that stress. Massimo and I told her over and over again how much we loved her. We promised to always be together and work hard every day to make her proud. She smiled because she was already so proud of both her boys.
On the eve of her passing, Massimo said his goodbyes to our mother. He wanted to be left alone in his grieving.
She was a wise woman whose eyes could read through a man’s soul. So when it was my turn, that’s kind of how she looked at me. Did she know my sins? I almost wanted to look away from her, but I kept my eyes on her. She held her beloved rosary tightly in her hands, whispering her prayers, and kissing the beads. Mama held my hands and turned them over to place her rosary in them, folding my fingers to clutch them. She could see the uneasiness in me when I held them. It felt wrong to hold something so beautiful and precious, when I had committed so much ugliness and caused harm to others. It almost felt like it was burning my skin.
With all of her strength and goodness, she whispered a blessing to me in Italian and then told me that I was a good man, I would find my way in time, and love would bless me.
“My Gio, my son,” she whispered before closing her eyes forever, “you are a good man, my son.”
I pulled her lifeless body to my chest. I had never cried so much in all of my life. I was the head of our family now. I knew I had to do better, make mama and papa proud, and show them from Heaven that her prayers and hopes were not lost on me.
Opening my wallet, I retrieved a small tattered picture of my mother. She was smiling with a lace veil that covered her long brown hair. She would always wear it on Sundays for mass. My eyes filled with tears.
“Oh, mama! I miss you so much. You knew, didn’t you? And you never judged me for my sins. You just prayed for me and hoped I would find love in my life and be happy. You were right about the love part. I did find it, and she has been the best part of my life, next to sharing a daughter with Massimo. You would have been so proud to know our daughter was blessed with a piece of you. Massimo always loved your middle name, so when it came time to name his child, he could think of no greater name than Nicolette.”
I let out some calming breaths and secured my mother’s picture back in my wallet. It wasn’t often that I lost myself to remembering the past, but lately, that was all I seemed to do.
Max was right. I should get on the next plane and go home, but I wanted to see my Nickel, hold her in my arms, and tell her that I love her. I could easily slip in and out without my brother discovering I was here. Hell! I’m not even registered under my real name here at the hotel.
“Fuck it! She’s my daughter too, and if I want to spend some time with her, then to hell with my brother. He hasn’t talked to me since Thanksgiving, and who knows when the next time will be? I don’t have to explain my actions to anyone. The decision has been made: I will see Nicolette today!”
After my shower, I ordered up some breakfast with some espresso. Nicolette shared my love of Italian things like coffee, Italian pastries, art, and music. Actually, they were the same things Massimo enjoyed too. Damn! I missed my brother, but I was just not ready to talk to him yet.
I drove my rental out to the CALI Center, my daughter’s foundation that she started for women. I parked out front and contemplated going in. This was stupid, and I didn’t understand why I was putting myself through this bullshit. My Nickel was right inside, and I was sitting out here in a car staring at her place of work.
After another agonizing ten minutes sitting in the car, I finally got out. I had only been here once on the day of the grand opening.
I sat in a packed room surrounded by our family, friends, and women from all walks of life that were there to celebrate the opening of the center and to hear Nicolette speak. She walked out to the podium feeling a little nervous, then took one look over to where Simon was standing, and all was right with her world. She spoke eloquently about her personal story and then shared a few more with us. The only sound in the room was the sound of her voice. All eyes were on my girl. I was so proud of her and the accomplishment she had achieved.
“Sir, may I help you?” I blinked to see a young woman holding a tablet in her hand.
“Um, no thank you, I’m okay. I’m actually here to see Nicolette Paulson. Is she here?”
The woman smiled and laughed.
“She’s always here. This is her home away from home.”
Now that made me smile, knowing my daughter was happy.
“She’s in a meeting right now, but if you tell me your name, I can step in to tell her you’re here waiting for her.”
“That’s okay. I’ll just go take a seat in the reception area, and when she’s through with her meeting, come find me.”
“Very good, sir. Help yourself to a refreshment. We have cookies too, courtesy of the boss. She’s become quite the baker since she announced her pregnancy. Wow! Listen to me go on and on. I don’t even know your name, and here I am telling you personal information about my boss. I hope you’re not a serial killer or anything.”
I like this girl! Any second guessing coming here today was now gone after talking to her for a few minutes. I had to hold my stomach on account of how much I was la
ughing. I needed this laugh in more ways than I could ever explain.
I smiled back and said to her, “Not today, I’m not a killer. You’re safe with me. I’m Nicolette’s Uncle Jack.”
She smiled and turned to go back to her desk.
I was waiting close to an hour when her assistant stepped out to tell me that it shouldn’t be too much longer. I waved her off and went back to checking my phone.
I had not heard a word from Sara. I missed her so much and needed her back home with me. But then again, I wasn’t home either. It was against my better judgment to yield to anyone, but this was Sara. She gets a free pass. I dialed her number and of course got her voicemail. I wasn’t great at expressing my feelings to her in person, let alone pouring my heart out over a phone message.
“Hi, Sara. I miss you so much. Come back to me. I need to tell you so much more than time will allow me on this phone, so come home so I can say the words to your beautiful face. I’m just a shell of a man without you baby, and every day you’re gone, I die a little bit more. I’m sorry I hurt you, but you hurt me too, and we need to talk about that. Don’t call me back, just come home. I love you.”
A few minutes later, I saw Nicolette walking out with a group of men and women. They were all carrying laptop bags, looking like whatever their meeting was about was successful. She shook their hands and then turned back to her assistant, who pointed in my direction.
Nicolette finally noticed me, and a smile graced her beautiful face. She practically ran toward me, but I put my hands out for her to slow her down. She was wearing very high heels, and I didn’t want her to fall. Two more strides, and she was in my arms.
“Uncle Jack! What a wonderful surprise. I’m so happy to see you! Is Aunt Sara with you?”
“Not this trip, love. I’m only here for the day. Can you get out of here for a little while?”
“Say no more. Of course I can. This is my place, and I can do anything I want.”
She looked down to her watch and then turned to her assistant, who I now knew as Patty. The remaining appointments on her calendar today were not as pressing as her earlier one, so Patty cancelled the rest of her day.
This was her city, not mine, so Nicolette was my guide. We went down to the beach club and had lunch out on the patio that overlooked the marina down below. All through lunch she talked about her plans for the New Year. She was feeling great with her pregnancy and was soon leaving for a trip with Simon. He was going on a research trip and would be taking Nicolette with him.
I tried very hard to keep up with the animated conversation, but I couldn’t ignore the fact at where we were dining. After lunch, we kicked off our shoes and took a walk down the beach.
“Are you okay, Uncle Jack? You were pretty quiet at lunch. Did I talk too much? I’m sorry for monopolizing the conversation. I swear, it’s this pregnancy. I am so hyper, I feel like I could do an hour of spin class and then Zumba too!”
“You are so adorable, my sweet girl. I love you so much, and any time I get to hear your voice is welcomed. You can talk my ear off all you want. Remember, I came to you this time.”
“So you did! Now, talk to me. You look tired, Uncle Jack. I can see it all over your face, and it saddens me to know that you may be hurting. Please let me in and help you. You’ve always been there for me when I needed you, so now it’s my turn for you.”
“I wasn’t there every time, Nicolette.”
The words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself. She blinked, not understanding what I meant, but she didn’t have to. I dropped my chin to my chest and just let it out, all my tears, pain, and deprecating thoughts I had running through my mind and heart. It all came at me like a freaking speeding train with no breaks.
“Oh, Uncle Jack! Where is this coming from? You were so happy at Thanksgiving. What’s happened to change all of that?”
I wiped away my tears and picked up a few shells to throw back into the ocean. She waited for me to answer her question.
“Nicolette, why did you bring me here today? Of all the places here in Los Angeles, you pick the place that you were ra…”
“It’s okay, you can finish that sentence. To where I was…raped? Is that what you were going to say?”
“Yes, dammit! That’s exactly what I was going to say. Why, Nicolette? Why this place? This beach? This marina? Tell me why!”
My anger was boiling over, and taking it out on her was the last thing I wanted to do.
“Walk with me?” she asked as she held out her hand.
“I’m so sorry for yelling, sweet girl.”
She said nothing but nodded. We joined our hands and walked down the beach.
“I’m happy, Uncle Jack, and I eat at the beach club because I like the food. I like to walk around the marina, because it makes me smile to see the fishermen come in with the catch of the day. And I love this beach, because it’s the same beach where I fell in love with Simon. I have so many memories here spent with Simon, our friends, and even you, when you flew out here to surprise me for my eighteenth birthday. Simon still drives up and down this coast on his Harley with me hanging on tight. From watching him surf those waves out there, to down that stretch of beach playing volleyball with our friends, I cherish the moments I spent here, and when I returned home from Switzerland to win back Simon’s heart, I made a promise to myself almost right where we are standing. God healed me. I survived Michael and what he did to me. Why would I give him power to take away all my happy memories of this place with just one bad one? I have been blessed with so much in my life. I have Simon, who’s an amazing husband, friend, and soon will be a father to our twins.”
“Twins!?! That’s fantastic. When did you find out?”
“Just recently, but I was keeping it private until reaching a safe point in my pregnancy. After everything we’ve been through, we didn’t want to take anything to chance.”
“But you’re okay, right?”
“Better than okay! I’m wonderful, and my babies are growing every day. Uncle Jack, you just made a new memory, right here on this beach. Now you will always remember this as the place I told you that I’m carrying twins. You see…it’s a happy place! And he can never take that away from me. This is why I brought you here today, to show you that I am okay and that he didn’t break me. I took that one bad memory, and I turned it into strength. I tell that to every single woman that walks through my door seeking help.”
“I would have been there for you had I known. I’m so sorry I wasn’t, sweet girl.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I chose not to tell my parents, or you, and even Simon. I thought I could handle him on my own and no one would ever know, but I was wrong. Does that make it my fault for what happened to me? No, it doesn’t. Michael made that decision to hurt me, and something inside of him just drove him to believe in an unreal fantasy. I made my peace with what happened, and after I watched him get led away, I found my closure. He cried for what he did to me. He said all the right things, but it’s not for me to know if he was truthful or not. He will be judged someday; it just won’t be by me. That part of my life is over, and it should be over for you too.”
“Please, Uncle Jack, for your own peace of mind, let Michael St. Clair go, and never think of him again. Mend your fences with my father, and just be happy with Aunt Sara. Don’t even try to defend what I just said, because then you would be lying. I saw you with my father and how you treated each other. It broke my heart to witness that much tension between you. He loves and misses you. He just doesn’t understand you, but who cares! Just be brothers again.”
“Nicolette, you are amazing, our greatest gift. I would do anything for you without question, but my love, there are just some things in my life that I will never explain to you. I’ve done things in my life that I’m not proud of but accepted them a very long time ago. I know what I am, and what still rages on through my mind. I am not the man you think I am, and for that, I am truly sorry for ever disappointing you. I love you,
but some things in life just can’t be undone.”
“That’s not true!” she said as she held my hands. “You are a good man. You’re my hero, remember? Please, Uncle Jack, promise me you will stay true to your heart. It’s a good one. Trust it with everything you have, and when you’re ready, close the door to the darkness. The light is bright, welcoming, and can shine a thousand colors on you. That’s what you deserve.”
“I love you, Nickel. Next to Sara, you are my moral compass. I know I made many promises back then that I have tried very hard to keep, but things have changed, and it doesn’t leave me in a great place. All I can say is that I will try, but please don’t hold me to any more promises.”
“Okay. A girl can hope, right?”
“You always need that.”
I gave my girl a big swooping hug, and then we drove back in silence to her office.
“When will we see you?”
“I’m always here for you, Nickel, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“It was really good seeing you, Uncle Jack. I can’t wait to tell Simon.”
“Sweetheart, I would never ask you to keep anything from your husband, but I really don’t want anyone to know I was here.”
“How about I tell Simon but not mention it to my father. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, that’s fine. I have to go, Nicolette. I’m so proud of you. Take care of those babies.”
She tried to smile, but I saw some tears threatening to fall.
“What is it sweet girl? Why the tears?”
“Why do I get the feeling that this was goodbye? You seem like you are a thousand miles away. Please, Uncle Jack, forget about Michael St. Clair. No matter what happens, he can’t hurt me anymore. I let him go a long time ago, so you need to do the same. I have never asked you about your past, nor do I believe you owed me any explanation. Your past is yours to own. We’ve all made choices that we have had to live with, and I know firsthand what that feels like. I have never asked you for anything, but I’m asking now. Forget him. Go back to Chicago, and be happy knowing that I’m okay. Can you do that for me?”
An Unfinished Life Page 17
