by Rosie Lewis
Copyright
Certain details in this story, including names and places, have been
changed to protect the identities of the individuals concerned.
HarperElement
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
77–85 Fulham Palace Road,
Hammersmith, London W6 8JB
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published by HarperElement 2014
FIRST EDITION
© Rosie Lewis 2014
Cover photograph © Karina Simonsen/Trevillion Images (posed by model)
Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2014
Rosie Lewis asserts the moral right to
be identified as the author of this work
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at
www.harpercollins.co.uk/green
Ebook Edition © December 2014 ISBN: 9780008112998
Version: 2014-11-12
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Two More Sleeps
Exclusive sneak peek: Betrayed by Rosie Lewis
If you liked this, you’ll love …
Rosie Lewis
Moving Memoirs eNewsletter
About the Publisher
Two More Sleeps
Sometimes there’s a fine line between fair and failing parents.
I don’t envy social workers the responsibility of deciding when that threshold has been breached, especially when the lines are blurred. Before I began fostering, my mind would airbrush over shades of grey, preferring the reassuring palette of black and white. I didn’t like to hear that Hitler was a disarming and humorous man of faith who nursed his mother when she was ill – the contradiction was discomforting, at odds with my blueprint of good and evil. When a documentary on the Discovery Channel claimed that the man responsible for the Holocaust was also wonderful with children, I switched the TV off in denial.
The watershed came when I met the birth mother of my second fostering placement, back in 2004. Knowing that Lauren had kept two-year-old Freddie locked in a damp room with no comfort and little to eat, my mind had conjured such a monstrous picture of her that when she turned up at my house for contact, I almost goggled in surprise. Frail and unkempt, she seemed almost as helpless as the little one she had brought into the world.
It was a defining moment, and years later, in December 2010, Lauren’s simultaneous capacity for callousness and vulnerability touched my thoughts as I hurried along the high street for the third time in as many hours. I was on my way to collect Angell, a young boy who had been taken into protective custody by police earlier that day. The four-year-old had been found by a dog walker, half dressed and huddled beneath a park bench in a children’s playground. With fierce blasts of air prickling my skin, it was difficult to comprehend a mother leaving her child alone and unprotected in sub-zero temperatures, but then memories of Lauren resonated in my mind. I reminded myself that, when it came to human nature, there were few certainties or absolutes.
The police station was a sturdy three-storey Victorian building, conspicuous among the shops for its lack of tinsel and festive frills, on the corner of the street. Its wide sash windows blinked beacons of cool white light into the frosty air, as if keeping watch over the town. Sidestepping an icy puddle, I climbed the stone steps towards the entrance and was almost knocked off my feet by a gangly, hooded youth who lumbered through the open door, elbows at bony right-angles, pale face puckered at the lips around a newly lit cigarette.
The grim-faced, suited man in his wake bestowed an apologetic nod in my direction, raising his eyebrows as if to say: I can think of nicer places to spend Christmas Eve. Narrowing my eyes against the smoke, I threw him a quick, sympathetic smile in return, absently wondering whether he was a beleaguered parent, an appropriate adult enlisted to ensure fair-play in interview or perhaps even a fellow foster carer.
The heated reception area offered a welcome sanctuary from the wind and once inside I let out a sigh of relief and stamped my frozen feet, setting my duffel bag on the floor. On the other side of a glass-fronted enquiry desk several telephones demanded attention in shrill tones and a printer suddenly spluttered, coughing itself awake.
With gloved, stiffly frozen fingers I pressed the buzzer for attention then sat down on a wooden bench and waited. Soon a police constable, perhaps somewhere in her mid-forties, weaved her way between the empty desks of the front office, the radio clipped to her chest accompanying each of her steps with loud, crackling hisses. ‘Sorry we messed you around earlier,’ she said through the grille after checking my Bright Heights Fostering Agency security pass. ‘I’m sure you could have done without all the to’ing and fro’ing, today of all days. I’m Jo, by the way.’
‘I didn’t mind, Jo,’ I replied honestly as she joined me in reception. ‘It was good to get out of the house, to tell you the truth.’
She laughed, gently nudging my upper arm with her epauletted shoulder. ‘It’d do my head in being cooped up with my lot for days on end. That’s why I always volunteer for the holiday shift.’
I gave her a complicit smile but, for me, it was more the distraction I was grateful for than an escape from the demands of close family. The initial call about Angell came through from my fostering agency just after lunchtime and since then I had made two aborted trips to collect him. There was lots to do at home but Sarah, a new-born baby I had looked after for six weeks, had moved into her forever home just seven days earlier and my arms were still feeling empty without her nestled there. The drama was just what I needed to stop me fretting about how well she was settling with her new parents.
Besides, I had made good use of the time. Children often come into care with only the clothes they were standing up in and so, in the last few available shopping hours, I had bought some essentials – a waterproof all-in-one coat, thick pyjamas, hat, gloves, tops and trousers – as well as some toys that I thought a four-year-old might like.
My own children, Emily and Jamie, were still busily wrapping the gifts when I left the house for the third time, their grandmother replacing the sparkly curtains in the spare room with a pair featuring Fireman Sam. ‘Red tape was it?’ I asked, reaching down for the duffel bag then following the officer through a security door and down a long, nondescript corridor.
‘Oh no, not this time, for a change,’ Jo said, throwing a wry smile over her shoulder. ‘I mean, they’re running a skeleton staff at social services today so it took a while to get hold of a social worker but the main issue was Mum.’ Jo half-turned towards me again when she reached another door. ‘She needs medical attention but she’s been refusing to go anywhere without the boy.’
Adeptly, the officer punched a four-digit code into an entry system and I followed her through to another corridor, loud shouts filtering through from the floor below. Heightened yells and a clunk followed, presumably the slamming of a viewing hatch or perhaps a lock being secured. ‘She’s refusing to talk to us unless we agree to keep them together. The only way we could calm her down was to promise she could meet you. I hope you don’t mind. She put up a real fight.’
‘Of course I don’t mind,’ I said, shaking my head. Maternal
aggression has always fascinated me: mothers turning fearless and laying down their lives if their offspring are threatened. In the words of Stephen King, ‘There’s no bitch on earth like a mother frightened for her kids.’ Jo sounded personally affronted by what she dismissed as ‘a lot of silly fuss’ but I was happy to talk to Angell’s mother and try to put her mind at rest. Not many parents would be comfortable with sending their child off with a total stranger.
‘This whole building has been sold off. We’re moving into the civic centre in the New Year and the interview rooms are loaded with confidential files so we’ve had to accommodate mother and child in the custody suite. Not ideal,’ she said, glancing back, ‘but with Mum getting a bit feisty it probably wasn’t a bad idea to keep them somewhere secure.’
I was about to answer when the sound of a voice, shrill and unhinged, reached me. Jo charged ahead down a flight of metal stairs and an image popped into my head of an anguished woman, hair wild, face streaked with tears. I wondered whether the screams were coming from Angell’s mother – it sounded as if she wasn’t going to relinquish her child without a fight. My stomach lurched, worried about what sort of state Angell might be in. It was such a stressful situation to be plunged into. I had seen it a few times now – mothers so desperate to keep their babies that they attempted to snatch them during contact, particularly when their final, goodbye forever session loomed.
The act seemed to infuriate some of the contact supervisors. They regarded absconding as an act of selfishness but I knew that if I had found myself in that situation when Emily and Jamie were small, the lioness in me would have stirred. Most attempts fail but there have been cases where young children and even babies have gone missing from care, some never to be found again. It took me a while to realise that even neglectful or abusive mothers have a primordial instinct to hold on to their offspring.
Jo interrupted my thoughts, coming to a halt outside another heavy-looking door, this one armoured like a fortress. She turned to face me, slipping her thumbs into the top of her utility belt. A pair of handcuffs glinted silver in the artificial light. ‘How much have you been told?’
‘Well, not a lot really. I know he’s four. I know Mum was arrested this morning for assaulting a police officer. That’s about it.’
She gave a curt nod. ‘Poor little bugger was scared silly. Nicki, that’s Mum, turned up at the playground twenty minutes after he’d been found, claiming that he’d wandered off.’ Jo signalled her scepticism by making quote marks with her fingers. ‘When we told her we’d be contacting social services she kicked off big style, right in front of him. He’s very timid. Been stuck here all day and we haven’t heard a peep out of him yet, except for all the sobbing.’
My heart squeezed a little but Jo carried on, briskly and unmoved.
‘Anyway, what can you do with them?’ She asked the question with a shrug and then turned her attention back to the security pad. It struck me as a little unfair to pigeonhole Angell’s mother with all the criminals Jo had dealt with over the years, as if they were all equally culpable with no varying degrees or mitigating circumstances.
Jo swiped a security card under a flashing red laser fixed to the wall and after a series of small clicks the light turned green. Inside the custody suite there was a high counter stretching across the length of the space, punctuated at even intervals with computer terminals. Thick plastic shields were fixed to the back of each PC, presumably to protect the technology from rowdy prisoners. A heavy-set officer glanced up from behind one of the desks as I followed Jo towards a row of doors, his look of boredom giving way to one of slight surprise as I passed by.
‘In here,’ Jo said quietly and I took a breath as she opened one of the doors, daunted and faintly embarrassed by the unenviable task ahead. We walked into a small, nondescript room with nothing in it but a desk and two metal chairs. Surprised, I was about to turn and ask Jo where the family were when I noticed a cloudy glass partition in the wall. On the other side of the glass was a room mirroring our own, except there, sprawled on one of the chairs with her legs open, was a young woman. It was a relief to see that she was sitting placidly, her arms around the small boy on her lap. Framing her face in a drab black curtain was her hair, long, tangled and unwashed. Her eyes were heavily shadowed with dark rings, one of them swollen and red, as if she’d been punched. She seemed dazed but calm, her lips moving as if singing. Close to sleep, her son was leaning into her with his mouth slightly open, eyes flickering.
‘We use this room for observing interviews,’ Jo said with a tilt of her head. ‘It’s a one-way mirror so Mum can’t see us. She’s what we call a “reluctant detainee” so I just wanted to give you the heads-up on how we’re going to play it if she kicks off again. You wait by the door. I’ll introduce you and Mum can have a few words. Then I’ll take him,’ she said this with a resolute nod. ‘I’ll need you to leave straight away, no half measures. Any hesitation will only make things worse.’
I nodded but I was only half-listening to Jo, my chest beginning to tighten with anxiety.
‘Right then,’ she said and I followed her out of the room. Jo hesitated outside the next door for a fraction of a second. Rolling her shoulders back, she closed her eyes and took a little breath before bowling ahead, a telling indication of her true feelings. I felt a flash of admiration for her then: she really was quite petite, her stature incongruous with the heavy stab vest and telescopic baton dangling from her waist.
As we entered the room Angell’s eyes wandered over us with detached curiosity but Nicki sat forward in her seat, shoulders stiffening. She was wearing shiny black leggings, a flimsy red top (in spite of the cold) and the highest heels I had ever seen. There were several large bruises on her upper arms and long scratches down her neck, one of them glistening with spots of red. Her cheeks were sunken and there was a slightly wild glint in her eyes as they travelled over me, scrutinising. A few bubbles of adrenaline announced their arrival in my stomach, which performed a small flip in greeting. ‘Hello, Nicki,’ I said, arranging my mouth into a smile. Staying close to the door as instructed, I leaned forwards into a half-crouch and softened my voice. ‘And hello there, Angell. I’m Rosie.’
Angell stared at me blankly but Nicki took a sharp breath in response and continued the unabashed inspection. Her mouth twisted as her eyes ran over me, the silver ring through her bottom lip temporarily disappearing from view. ‘I still don’t understand why you can’t sort somewhere for both of us,’ Nicki barked, eyeing Jo resentfully. Her voice was deep and croaky, as if she’d just woken up.
Jo inhaled and then took a full ten seconds to blow the breath out. I wondered whether she was silently counting to herself, one of my trusty old tricks when patience was running thin. ‘We’ve been through this, Nicki. You need to be seen by a doctor and the on-duty social worker wants to do an assessment before you’re allowed to take Angell home.’
Nicki scowled and muttered something under her breath. She scraped at her teeth with an extraordinarily long fingernail, examined the haul and then snapped her eyes back to me. ‘You got other kids?’ she asked sharply, running a hand roughly across her forehead. It lingered there for a moment before trailing down her face and pulling on her jaw.
Mesmerised by the jazzy decorations stuck to her fingernails, I hesitated for a moment then countered her stare with a steady gaze of my own. ‘Yes, I have a daughter who’s 16,’ I said brightly, hoping to lighten the tension. ‘And then there’s Jamie, he’s 12. They both love younger children so they’ll be thrilled to meet Angell.’
Her demeanour altered slightly, the stubborn slant of her chin softening just a fraction. I put her somewhere in her early twenties, at most, though her wolfish scowl reminded me of a much younger, defensive teenager.
‘Angell don’t like nuffink hot for dinner,’ she warned, ‘nor the dark neither.’
‘I’ll bear that in mind,’ I said softly.
A moment later Angell yawned and then gave a little moan, wri
ggling on his mother’s lap in search of a snug position to sleep. With his roughly chopped but wavy dark hair and big eyes, he was a beautifully delicate-looking child. His Ben 10 tracksuit was rolled back several times at the cuffs and on his feet he wore a pair of black, frayed trainers that looked far too clumpy for him. Beyond tired, his head flopped wearily against his mother’s chest and another small cry escaped his lips. The sight set off an itch in me: a strong desire to give him a hug and make him comfortable.
‘Right,’ Jo said briskly. ‘We need to get this little chap sorted. He’s exhausted. Is there anything else you’d like to ask the foster carer before she leaves?’
Nicki’s eyes flicked towards the door as if considering her options but then she looked back at Jo and her shoulders sagged in defeat. The officer approached but Nicki jerked away and then flinched as if in pain. She took in a sharp breath and rubbed her side.
‘Not yet,’ she snapped, flattening her hand against the air. ‘You lot make me sick, going round taking everyone’s kid off ’em all the time. Baby snatchers, that’s what you are.’
‘We have to have good reason, Nicki,’ Jo said with feigned patience. ‘And we certainly don’t take everyone’s baby. It’s rare for us to remove children actually.’
‘No it ain’t,’ Nicki shouted, adamant. Her chin jutted out aggressively. ‘Everyone I know has ’ad a kid taken off ’em.’
At first her comment struck me as grossly exaggerated, but then I realised that not everyone shares the same version of reality. It was quite possible that, in Nicki’s world, there was a heavy involvement with social services and so, from her perspective, it might not have been such a stretch of the imagination.
Nicki whispered something into Angell’s ear and he pulled back, eyes widening in horror. Pointing in my direction, she nodded and spoke louder, her tone reassuring but insistent. Angell glanced at me and began to cry, clinging tightly to Nicki’s shoulders. She stroked his hair, a loving gesture from someone who seemed so volatile. After cupping his face in her hands and planting a gentle kiss on his nose, she gave Jo a bitter stare. For a moment, as the officer leaned forwards, I thought that Nicki looked dangerously close to lashing out.
