by Karen Clarke
A pulse ticked in Liv’s jaw, her mug poised close to her lips, eyes intent on mine. I felt a ripple of unease.
‘I have a sister-in-law called Natasha,’ I hurried on, not sure why I felt compelled to fill the weighty silence that had fallen. ‘She’s the one who decorated our house, or should I say “styled” it.’ I made quote marks with my voice, jiggling Finn on my lap. ‘She’s an interior designer, very successful, but she’s moved north, to Cumbria, to be closer to her husband Rory’s family and doesn’t visit often. I think my mother-in-law misses her and Toby. That’s her son, he’s five.’ Shut up, Sophy. ‘Natasha and Dom were very close growing up. He misses her too.’
Liv’s expression was blank. Perhaps I was boring her as much as I was annoying myself.
‘What about you?’ I picked up my mug and took a few quick sips, feeling the milky foam cling to my upper lip. ‘Do you have any siblings?’
It was a moment before she spoke. ‘I had a brother,’ she said at last. ‘Ben.’
Had. I felt a roll of nausea. ‘Is he …?’
‘Dead,’ she said flatly.
‘Oh, God. Liv, I’m so sorry.’
Before I could gather my thoughts and speak again, she began playing peekaboo with Finn from behind her fingers until he chortled happily. Evie joined in, pressing her fingers over her eyes and shouting, ‘Boo!’
Liv seemed to have recovered herself, reaching for Finn to place him on her knees and clap his hands together. As I picked his dummy off the wooden floor where he’d dropped it, I felt a tightness at the back of my throat at how happily he went to her. ‘You’re good with children.’ I forced the words through a smile that felt unnatural. ‘Evie really loves you.’
I was relieved to see Liv relax, as though my praise had pleased her. ‘I do like kids,’ she said, making wide eyes at Finn. ‘I’ll miss Evie when I leave.’
I couldn’t disguise my surprise. ‘You’re leaving?’
She made a face. ‘I haven’t got much choice,’ she said. ‘Gary, Evie’s dad, has made it clear he wants more than babysitting duties from me. I’m sick of fighting him off, and his wife doesn’t do much but spend his money and criticise everything I do.’
‘That’s awful.’ I was appalled, trying to think whether Gary had seemed like a creep when he and Clare came for dinner. I recalled Clare talking about her hair colourist – I’d felt sure she was having a dig at my ‘ginger’ tresses – but I’d barely registered Gary, other than thinking he wasn’t Dom’s kind of person – too full of himself. ‘I had no idea.’
‘Why would you?’
Seeing Kim look over, I thrust Finn’s dummy in my coat pocket. ‘Can’t you talk to Clare about what’s happening with Gary?’
‘I doubt she’d believe me and even if she did, she’d probably blame me and kick me out.’
It was a horrible thought, but hard to argue with Liv’s logic. ‘So, what will you do?’
She puffed out a breath, her shoulders drooping. ‘Look for another job,’ she said, holding Finn high then plopping him down so his hands shot out with delight. ‘I don’t suppose you need any help with this one, do you?’
Her wide grey eyes were beseeching as they looked at me over Finn’s head, and for a second, I felt as if I was looking over a bridge at swirling water below.
‘I could ask Dom,’ I heard myself say. ‘I know he’d like his mum to do more, but she’s there so much already and has her own life, her horses. I’d feel guilty.’ And even more inadequate, I didn’t add, but Liv smiled as though understanding. I thought about the note again. Watch Elizabeth.
‘She won’t need to come round so often if there’s someone else there.’ Liv’s smile grew, her eyes taking on a shine that made me smile back. Maybe she was onto something. Not that I couldn’t trust my mother-in-law, despite what the note would have me believe, but Liv didn’t really know me and had no expectations. Maybe I would be different with her help. I could learn how to be better with Finn; take her lead. I’d be happier, less concerned about failing in front of Elizabeth, get back to work—
‘So?’ Liv prompted, her gaze intent.
My mind was whirling like a merry-go-round at this unexpected turn of events. ‘I’ll have a word with Dom,’ I said. ‘I expect you’ll have to give notice anyway.’
‘Only a week, and I’m not even sure I’ll work that.’
I felt a spasm of pity for Evie, who was obviously attached to Liv. ‘Where will you stay?’ I thought of our spare room, cluttered with unpacked boxes from the apartment that I still hadn’t got round to dealing with. ‘It wouldn’t be a live-in position, I’m afraid.’
‘Not a problem. I can move back to my mum’s in Chells Way.’
My phone began to ring. ‘Sorry,’ I said, taking it out of my bag, not entirely surprised to see Dom’s number. He’d probably tried calling the house and wondered why I hadn’t picked up.
‘Sophy, where are you?’ He sounded frantic.
‘I’m at The Busy Bean with Liv,’ I said. ‘Sorry, I thought you knew I was seeing her.’
‘Are you OK?’
‘What?’ I sensed Liv listening, her arms loosely draped round Finn. His mouth was stained orange with carrot juice. ‘I’m fine,’ I said, pulse leaping. ‘Just having a hot chocolate.’
‘Can you go home? It’s important.’
‘What?’
‘Please, Sophy, just do as I ask.’ He rang off.
I stared at my phone for a moment, goose bumps rippling across my shoulders.
‘Everything OK?’
I started at the sound of Liv’s voice. ‘I have to go.’ I reached to take Finn and his face immediately crumpled. ‘I’ll be in touch,’ I said, feeling her eyes on me as I fumbled Finn into his pushchair, blood roaring in my ears. ‘Thanks for the drink.’
‘You’re welcome.’
As I hurried away, Finn’s piercing cries drawing stares from everyone in the café – especially Kim – I wondered what had prompted Dom to order me home.
It wasn’t until I reached our house and saw the front door standing open, that I remembered I’d left it unlocked.
Chapter 13
Liv
I took a detour to the park on my way back to Lavender Drive, hoping to push Evie on the swing for ten minutes – share some me and her time – but, by the time I’d wheeled the buggy onto the brightly coloured play area, she was asleep, her teddy bear snuggled to her nose.
I sat down on my usual bench, and stroked her soft cheek with my finger. ‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart,’ I said. And as I watched her chest rise and fall, tears were close. I hadn’t bargained on getting so attached, so quickly. I would miss her terribly.
I lifted my gaze and scanned the area. It was warmer than earlier, but there was barely anyone about. Only a woman with a dog in the distance, and two young women sitting on the grass deep in conversation, their little ones racing around, squealing and giggling.
I closed my eyes, and, almost like turning on a TV, her face appeared in my mind’s eye: Sophy Edwards.
She looked just like the beautiful young woman in the photograph Ryan had shown Mum, Dad and me just after Ben’s death, but she was different to how I thought she would be. I suppose I’d conjured up a mental image of a monster when I thought of the woman who caused the death of my brother. But Sophy was no monster. In fact, she was more like a rather sad dormouse.
I thought back to her at The Busy Bean earlier. I’d half expected her to mention the note I’d put through the letterbox, but I supposed it was too much to expect her to confide in me that someone had warned her to watch her mother-in-law. She didn’t see me as a ‘friend’ yet. I hadn’t intended to mention Ben, but when she asked about siblings I had no choice, his name burning a path to my heart as it left my lips. She had shown pity, felt sorry for me that I’d lost my brother, but there had been no real reaction. Surely the name Ben in itself should have stirred emotions, forced a flicker of remorse.
My eyes snapped open, stingin
g with tears, my fists clenched, nails buried in my flesh once more. Anger had brewed in me for so long, corroding my insides, but life would be better soon, once I was inside the walls of Sophy’s perfect home – getting even – balancing the scales.
The sound of female chatter carried on the air, as women headed across the park towards the play area – towards me. Amongst them I spotted Kim with Dougie in his sling, and a couple of other mums pushing buggies. I jumped to my feet and hurried away, unable to face them and their small talk.
Gary and Clare weren’t back from Italy when I returned to Lavender Drive, but they wouldn’t be long. Clare had texted me to say they’d landed and would be home around two. I had already packed my holdall.
I spent the next hour giving Evie her lunch, before disappearing upstairs to the nursery, where I read Evie a story. It’s unusual for her to sleep in the day, but the trip must have made her more sleepy than usual, as she dropped off in my arms.
I was putting her into her cot, when I heard the front door open. ‘Olivia!’ It was Gary – using my full name as he always did in front of Clare. They were back, and I was tempted to keep quiet, pretend I was out with Evie for as long as I could.
‘Olivia!’ It was Clare, and I softened. She would want to see her daughter.
I left the nursery, and made my way downstairs, past photos of Evie that dotted the silver-embossed wallpaper, and into the hallway. Gary and Clare’s cases stood next to the front door, and the sound of water streaming into a kettle came from the kitchen. I made my way across the hall and stood in the doorway to see only Gary.
‘Where’s Clare?’ I said.
He turned to face me, the kettle in his hand. ‘Those tight jeans suit you,’ he said, his tone low and even.
My heartbeat quickened. Thank God I don’t have to be around the creep much longer.
He shoved the kettle onto its base, and flicked it on. ‘In answer to your question, Clare’s gone shopping.’
‘But I heard her. She called out. She hasn’t even seen Evie yet.’
‘What can I say? She’s a shopaholic. Makes me wonder how I put up with her.’ He stepped towards me, and although he was some distance away, I moved backwards, out into the hallway. ‘Are you afraid of me, Liv?’
‘No. You’re an idiot. And I’m out of here now you’re back.’
He stared, not moving. I wanted to run. I was afraid of him. He was the kind of man who thought he could take what he wanted from a woman, without consequence. I looked towards the back door. I needed to get my holdall. But he grabbed my arm.
‘You’re hurting me.’ I attempted to wriggle free from his grip.
‘Can’t you feel the chemistry between us, Liv?’ He thrust his lips against mine, his body pressing against me. How the hell had I ended up alone with him again? I bit down hard on his lip, and he moved away. ‘Bitch!’ he said, blood coating his hand, as he covered his mouth. ‘Fucking bitch.’
I ran past him, across the kitchen. ‘Clare needs to know about you,’ I cried, as I dived through the back door, and sprinted down the garden, looking behind me at every step. But he didn’t follow me.
Once inside the nanny pad, I grabbed my holdall. I would leave now – go to my mum’s.
It was as I went to leave, that Clare barged in. ‘Olivia!’
I grabbed my jacket and slipped it on. ‘I’m leaving.’ There was so much else I wanted to say – but decided to just get out of there.
‘Yes you are,’ she said, folding her arms.
I went to push past her, but she stood firm in the doorway. ‘Gary said you tried it on with him.’
‘What? Gary’s a total dick, Clare.’ Christ I was angry. ‘He’s a letch, always groping me or trying to kiss me.’ My heart thudded. ‘If you’ve got any sense you’ll kick him out. Now for God’s sake get out of my way.’ I went to push past her, but she wouldn’t budge. She was stronger than she looked, all her gym sessions paying off.
‘If you ever go near my husband again, Olivia, I promise you, you’ll wish you hadn’t.’
‘Jeez,’ I yelled. ‘Are you bloody blind?’
She turned and left, heading back to the house with long strides.
Fighting back tears, I ran up the garden towards the side gate. From the kitchen window, Gary smiled.
I pulled up outside Mum’s house, killed the engine, and pulled on the handbrake. It was almost four o’clock, and the school kids, like a sea of red in their uniforms, were making their way home to the modern terraces lining the street, some in groups, messing around, others alone.
My eyes fell on Mum’s house, the yellowing nets, the window frames that needed replacing. I knew she wouldn’t mind me moving in until I had enough money to rent a flat, but the truth was, I struggled whenever I walked through the door.
I was about to get out of the car, when Freya came out through the front door, closing it behind her. She’d done her bit for Mum today.
I watched her scurry up the road, taking quick steps as she made her way to the bus stop. She owned a Volvo Estate, but would often take the bus to and from Little Wymondley – the village where she lived, just outside Stevenage – in an effort to protect the environment. I realised at that moment, as I watched her disappear around the corner, that I knew very little about her personal life. But then her life story had never been of interest to me. She did a good job for Mum, and that was all that mattered.
‘Can I stay a while?’ I said to Mum once I’d let myself into the house. I still had my own key. In fact, it still had a Harry Potter key ring attached to it, from when I was obsessed as a teenager.
‘Of course you can,’ she said, as Sparky jumped up at me, and I tickled his ears. ‘Selfishly, I love you being here.’ She smiled. ‘So I’m guessing you’ve left your job looking after Evie.’
I nodded, and we chatted for a few moments. She seemed to deliberately avoid any talk of Sophy, before saying, ‘You look tired, Liv.’
‘Mmm.’ I realised I was. I hadn’t slept properly since first seeing Sophy, mind spinning into the small hours, memories rising and turning to thoughts of payback. ‘I know I’ve only just arrived, but would you mind if I went to my room?’
‘Of course not, love.’
I lugged my holdall up the stairs, and into my room, and after a few moments of staring from my window in a daze, I bent down and pulled my memory box from under my bed. I settled, cross-legged on the floor, to look through it. There were photos of Dad and me fishing or going to the football, pictures of friends through the years, greeting cards – mainly birthday cards from Dad. But I wasn’t looking for any of those, however distracting they were, I was looking for the picture of Sophy with Ben.
I found it at the bottom of the box. It was of twenty or so university students ready to set off on a skiing trip to France. I recalled how Ben had desperately wanted to go on the trip, how Mum and Dad struggled to help him with the cost. I’d been jealous at the time – had never been abroad, because our parents couldn’t afford to. Dad had been a delivery driver, and Mum only ever worked a few hours in the supermarket, always wanting to be there when I came home from school, so their wages couldn’t stretch to many extras. A surge of guilt that I was such a pain-in-the-arse teenager pulsed through me. I’d moaned that we never went abroad, that my parents couldn’t afford the latest trainers. I couldn’t see that I had everything I could possibly need right there.
I narrowed my eyes, taking in Sophy – so beautiful with her red tumbling hair – standing next to Ben, slightly taller than him. I smiled at Ryan’s playful pose, as he stood the other side of Ben; his arm flopped over my brother’s shoulder. He looked so handsome and carefree back then – laughing into the camera.
It was as I put the photograph back into the box, that I saw Ben’s suicide note. I don’t know why I’d kept it – perhaps I thought one day it would lead me to Sophy. Before I could stop myself, I picked it up, tears rising in my chest – a pain in my heart.
It was folded – just as he�
�d left it the day he cut his wrists – here in this house, in his bedroom. I liked to think he hadn’t expected his sixteen-year-old sister would be the one to find him. I’d come back from being out with my mates with a pounding headache, after trying tequila for the first time. Mum and Dad were at the cinema, and would have been home before me, normally. My parents should have found him. No – nobody should have found him – because he shouldn’t have died.
I read the note for the millionth time, bashing away tears that flowed down my cheeks. Sixteen years later the pain wasn’t any less.
‘Life’s not worth living if I can’t share it with the one I love.’
Chapter 14
Sophy
‘I can’t keep saying it, Dom. My keys weren’t there. I looked twice.’
‘I know you think you did, but how do you explain them turning up exactly where they were supposed to be?’
I slumped against the pillow, worn out from going over it again and again, stomach vaulting as I recalled my shock when I’d run into the house the day before to find Elizabeth on the sofa, fresh from the stables in her quilted jacket and shiny brown boots, an orange casserole dish on the coffee table in front of her.
‘I came to drop this off and the door was open,’ she’d said, rising and moving past me with small, neat steps to the hallway, where she bent to remove Finn from his pushchair as though releasing a helpless animal from a cage.
‘You should have called me, instead of bothering Dom at work.’ I’d clutched my chest, a wave of helplessness washing over me as I watched her ease Finn from his outdoor clothes and carry him into the living room, patting his back and making soothing sounds. I felt as guilty as if I’d gone out and left him home alone.
