by Karen Clarke
Liv’s shoulders rose. ‘Ignore me,’ she said, as if tiring of the subject despite having raised it in the first place. ‘Why don’t we take Finn to the park?’ she said. ‘It’s sunny out. I don’t know about you, but I could do with some fresh air.’
I sagged. ‘Elizabeth’s invited me to her place with Finn, to see the horses.’
A flicker of frustration crossed Liv’s face, then she turned to Finn with a smile. ‘We’ll enjoy that, won’t we?’
‘Just the two of us.’ I felt a flash of guilt as I pushed myself off the sofa. ‘I’m sorry, I know it sounds awful and you think she’s got it in for me, but if we don’t go, she’ll mention it to Dom and it’ll make things worse than they are.’
‘Well, don’t say you weren’t warned.’ Liv’s smile was cool. She sniffed Finn’s nappy. ‘I’ll change him if you like, then make myself scarce.’
‘We’ll go out tomorrow.’ I wanted to make amends. ‘Maybe we could go to the swimming pool. Finn loves being bathed. I think he’d like the water.’
Her smile was tight. ‘OK.’
As she headed upstairs to the nursery to change Finn’s nappy, radiating a tension I didn’t understand, I released a shaky sigh and headed to the kitchen to make some coffee. I needed more than a boost of caffeine and a vitamin pill before going out, but they would have to do.
Chapter 23
Sophy
Dom had left me the car and walked to the station, clearly not wanting to give me an excuse to get out of visiting Elizabeth. I was surprised he trusted me to drive, given the events of the day before, especially with Finn in the car. Maybe it wasn’t so much an act of faith, as a plea for me to prove there was nothing wrong with me.
Tears were close by the time I’d checked Finn was safely strapped into his car seat, my hands shaky from the coffee I’d drunk in an effort to stay alert. Once Liv had slipped out with a quiet goodbye, I’d sent her a text, thanking her for listening to me pour out my troubles, hoping I hadn’t offended her.
As I straightened, pushing my hair behind my ears, I was startled to see Kim at the end of the drive, Dougie staring out like royalty from his sling.
‘Morning!’ She waved a hand encased in a grey woollen glove. ‘Everything OK?’
I felt I had no choice but to smile and nod as if I didn’t know what she was alluding to. ‘You?’
‘Oh, we’re fine.’ She said it in a robust way that suggested they were always fine. In her full-length purple padded coat she looked somehow invincible, as though wearing armour. There wasn’t much heat in the sun and I shivered in the belted cardigan I’d thrown on.
‘I heard about your visitor,’ Kim said, getting straight to the point. I guessed it was why she just happened to be passing the house and I wondered whether she’d planned to knock on the door.
‘It was all a mix-up,’ I said, walking round to the driver’s side of the car after checking Finn was settled. ‘But thank you for letting my mother-in-law know.’
If Kim detected my sarcasm, she chose to ignore it.
‘She thinks the world of Finn.’ She jiggled Dougie, holding him like a shield, clearly not quite brave enough to venture any closer. ‘You’re so lucky to have her to help out.’
‘I know.’
‘If I’m honest, I’m a bit surprised you’ve taken Olivia on when Finn’s grandma is so keen to help out if you need it.’ My hand froze around the car door handle. ‘I don’t have any relatives close by. My sister lives in Scotland, though she may be moving in with me for a bit,’ Kim added, as if sensing my mounting annoyance. ‘Not that we need anyone, do we, Dougie?’ She tweaked Dougie’s rosy cheek before meeting my gaze full-on. ‘I do think Olivia was rather indiscreet, passing on gossip,’ she said, with no sense of irony whatsoever. ‘But I just wanted to say, if there’s anything I can do to help, you must let me know.’
I wanted to tell her to mind her own business but Finn starting to fuss and whimper, straining against his straps. ‘I have to go,’ I said, glad to get into the safety of the car.
‘See you next week at Petra’s?’
I summoned a non-committal smile and slammed the door before she could say anything else, not caring that our exchange would now be at the top of her own gossip list.
So rude, I imagined her saying to her cronies at The Busy Bean. I feel sorry for that poor child. Meeting Finn’s teary gaze in the rear-view mirror, I felt sorry for him too.
‘We’re going to see Nana,’ I said, in my children’s-television-presenter voice as I started the car. ‘And to look at the horses. You like the horses, don’t you, little bear?’
He fell silent. I didn’t know whether it was the mention of his grandmother or the horses, but either way, I was grateful. And at least I hadn’t forgotten how to drive, though I wouldn’t have minded getting lost for a while and delaying our visit, knowing I’d be under scrutiny from the moment we arrived.
I was startled when my phone rang. I’d forgotten Dom had synched it with the car radio system and the ringtone blared through the speakers. Careful to keep my eyes on the road, I pressed the answer button on the steering wheel, surprised to hear Isaac’s voice.
‘Hey, it’s me. Thought I’d call as you don’t always answer your messages,’ he said. ‘Just checking to see how you are after running out on me at the restaurant, and to say I’m sending over the stuff for the quiz show I was telling you about.’
I concentrated on slowing down and checking Finn in the mirror. He was gazing at the scenery flashing by as though finding it fascinating. My heart gave its customary squeeze. ‘I’m sorry about rushing off,’ I said. ‘As you know, I don’t get out much these days. I just felt a bit weird.’
‘As long as you’re OK,’ he said. ‘Come and visit Apex sometime, if you’re up to it. Bring Finn. There are plenty of people here who’d love to see you both.’
‘I will.’ I doubted I would. My job at the TV station was a dusty memory I could barely recall, though days ago, I knew I’d talked about missing it. Could baby hormones still be affecting my mind? ‘Actually, something strange happened. I don’t know if Dom said anything to you.’ It struck me that in the past, I wouldn’t have needed to ask. Back when Dom and I didn’t have secrets, when he wasn’t consumed with work and worry, when I wasn’t too out of it most of the time to know what was happening in my own home.
‘Strange?’ I imagined Isaac’s frown.
‘Someone took a photo of us while we were eating.’ My heart picked up speed as a lorry overtook me on a bend. ‘Whoever it was wanted Dom to see it.’
‘What?’ Isaac was silent for a second. ‘Well, he hasn’t said anything, but our paths don’t really cross much at work.’ Another pause. ‘It’s funny, because now you mention it, I thought I saw someone hold up their phone at the restaurant window but didn’t take much notice at the time.’
‘Really?’ Now my heart was racing. ‘Did you see who it was?’
‘I think it was a woman with a pushchair.’ He paused as though thinking. ‘Dark hair, maybe, I’m not sure.’
For some reason, Liv came into my mind. ‘Was she wearing a dark coat?’
‘Could have been, why?’
‘Oh, nothing.’ But the image of Liv wouldn’t budge. Could she have followed me to the restaurant? Elizabeth had seen her going to the station after all, and Liv had definitely been on a train with Finn. But why would she photograph Isaac and me and give the picture to Dom, unless she was trying to make trouble? Maybe Isaac was wrong about the woman with a pushchair, but it seemed too much of a coincidence.
Oh God. I’d just unburdened myself to Liv, sent her a thank you text, and now I suspected her of spying on me. A woman I’d invited into my home, to look after my son. Something was going on here, I was sure of it. Watch Elizabeth. My breathing faltered. Could Liv have sent the note and them removed it? She’d been quick to point the finger at Elizabeth, accusing her of all sorts, maybe wanting her out of the way, and she had access to my house. Perhaps Liv was the one I should
be suspicious of. ‘Isaac, I’d better go. I’m on my way to my mother-in-law’s with Finn.’
‘Two trips out in a week, you’re doing well.’ He was joking, but there was an undercurrent of worry in his voice. ‘Listen, call if you need to talk about anything, won’t you?’
‘I will.’
‘And you’ll look at the stuff I’m sending? It’s right up your street.’
‘I promise.’ I pressed end-call and released a long breath, but there was no time to dwell on anything else as I’d arrived in Harpenden.
I pulled the car onto the circular drive in front of the house and adjoining stables and sat for a moment, gripping the steering wheel, looking at the impressive wood-and-brick exterior. The wisteria that had draped extravagantly across the front of the building earlier in the year was withered and brown now, the roots exposed and ugly.
I’d been wowed the first time Dom brought me here; by the house, the idyllic setting, the horse-riding and dinner-party lifestyle, which was the opposite of my ordinary upbringing with Mum in our modest end-of-terrace in Stevenage. I’d been so excited to get to know my future in-laws. Dom and I had been seeing each other for a couple of months and he’d already said he wanted to marry me. I’ve never felt like this about anyone, Sophy. I want to be with you all the time.
I’d understood because I felt the same, since our first date in The Dickens Inn, where we’d talked non-stop until closing time, and kissed in a shop doorway on the way back to his apartment like a couple in a romantic film.
I hadn’t known then his family were what Mum called ‘well-bred’ and hadn’t thought it mattered until I met Elizabeth, when I’d finally understood what Dom had meant when he told me she could initially come across as unapproachable.
As I unclicked my seatbelt with a heavy feeling in my chest, the wide oak door at the front of the house was flung open and Elizabeth strode out. She was wearing jodhpurs, shiny boots and her tweed jacket, no doubt fresh from a riding session. All that was missing was a whip. Or crop, as she’d once corrected me.
I tensed as I stepped onto the drive, noticing the toes of my boots were dusty, and braced myself for a barrage of questions about the social worker, about Liv, about my supposed drinking the day before, but to my surprise she was all smiles as she nodded a greeting before dipping into the back of the car to release Finn.
‘You can carry him in his car seat,’ I said, but she’d already plucked him out and was nuzzling his cheek with pursed lips, making kissy noises that delighted him.
‘Come inside, it’s freezing,’ she instructed breezily as I spotted a familiar car parked next to Elizabeth’s Land Rover.
‘Natasha’s popped over,’ she said, seeing me looking. ‘She was down this way, visiting a client, and thought she’d come and say hello. Isn’t that lovely?’
‘Natasha’s here?’ My spirits rose at the thought of seeing my sister-in-law.
‘She’s gone for a ride on Lady Madonna, hasn’t been on a horse for ages.’ Seeing Elizabeth’s indulgent smile made me realise how ridiculous it had been to allow doubts about her to enter my mind because of Liv. I was certain now that she must have slipped the note through my door. She’d probably had her eye on a nannying job with me and wanted to discredit my mother-in-law. ‘She’ll be back soon,’ Elizabeth went on. ‘We’ll have coffee first. I’ve got some lovely snacks for my little soldier.’
In the huge copper and slate kitchen, where double doors at one end opened onto the courtyard, she neatly divested Finn of his all-in-one polar-fleece, her smile slipping slightly when she saw the miniature grey jogging pants and matching hoodie underneath. I thought it was cute, but to Elizabeth, he probably looked like a young offender. She’d no doubt prefer him in a tuxedo, and trousers with a crease – the sort of outfit she liked Robert in, despairing that my father-in-law was happiest at home in well-worn chinos and comfy jumpers.
After slotting Finn into the padded bouncer she’d bought specially, and offering him a sensory cube from the pile of toys she kept stacked in a basket, she moved across to the kettle on the marble worktop. Was she humming? I’d never heard her hum before and nearly giggled, but was ambushed by a yawn that made my jaw click.
‘You look tired.’ Turning, Elizabeth gave me a more familiar look as I pulled my cardigan closer and sank on a chair at the table where she hosted ‘informal’ lunches for her horsey friends. Behind her, tucked on a shelf at the end of a row of cookery books, was a silver-framed photo of Christopher, lying on a sheepskin rug, swaddled in a knitted blanket, wide eyes gazing at the camera; no sign of the heartbreak about to be wrought by his tiny, failing heart. There were several pictures of him in prominent positions around the house, so that visitors’ eyes were drawn there first and not to the photos of Dom and Natasha at various ages. Several of them were on horseback, though Dom wasn’t a fan of riding, preferring his feet on the ground. After having a go myself to humour Elizabeth not long after meeting, I’d understood why. I hadn’t stayed in the saddle long, to Elizabeth’s undisguised disdain.
‘A coffee should wake you up,’ she announced now, preparing two earthenware mugs, splashing in milk from a bottle. No supermarket cartons for her.
‘Thanks,’ I said through another yawn, which I covered with my hand. Pulling my gaze from the photo of Christopher, I looked at my mother-in-law, imagining grief still flickering inside her, like one of those candles that regenerates while it’s burning.
She handed me one of the mugs and examined me coolly. I had the feeling she was going to bring up the wine episode from the day before but instead, she glanced at Finn, who was happily gnawing his cube and blowing raspberries, before returning to the worktop to stir her coffee.
‘At least the sun’s out,’ she said, looking at the garden, as if the weather was the safest topic she could think of. It struck me in a distant way that our conversations never dipped below the surface. She’d rarely asked about my job when I was working, seeming happy to leave the small talk to Robert, who had a fascination for history, her gaze often suggesting she was somewhere else in her mind; galloping round a field on horseback, perhaps.
‘It’s chilly though. I should have worn a coat.’ I yawned once more, willing the foggy, dragging sensation to go away. I hastily gulped half my coffee, welcoming the scalding sensation on my tongue. I needed to be on form, not fumbling towards sleep.
‘Is Natasha staying for lunch?’
‘Who knows?’ There was a sudden brittleness to Elizabeth’s tone. Her smile had vanished. ‘She never stays long these days.’
It was true that Natasha rarely visited, but I knew how busy she was since relocating her family and interior design business to Cumbria. ‘It’ll be nice to see her.’
Elizabeth didn’t respond, just carried on looking outside while nursing her mug, steam curling above her head. From the back, her hair looked like a helmet.
Silence fell.
I looked at Finn, waving his cube, a gummy smile on his face. There seemed to be two of him. Blinking, I finished my coffee and put my mug down. ‘Hello, baby.’ My words sounded garbled, as though I’d drunk too many cocktails.
Elizabeth turned, a frown marring her face, as though the sight of me defeated her. ‘Why don’t you walk Finn to the stables and show him Parsley, his favourite horse,’ she said, amiably. ‘I’ll make some soup for lunch.’
When I hesitated, unsure whether I had the energy to stand up, she added, ‘It’s warm in there, he’ll be fine,’ as if my only concern was the temperature.
‘Sure.’ I rose with an effort, blinking to clear my vision. It was important I gave her the impression of being in control, despite feeling far from it. ‘I’ll just fetch …’ I pitched forward and grabbed at the table. There was a rush of air, as though I was entering a tunnel, and everything went black.
Chapter 24
Sophy
When I opened my eyes, I was lying on the sofa in Elizabeth’s lounge, Natasha sitting in front of me on a velvet, buttoned f
ootstool. ‘Hey, you.’ Her worried expression cleared. ‘You gave us a shock, fainting like that.’
‘Hmmm?’ I pushed off the woollen throw wrapped around me and struggled to sit up. My head felt like a block of concrete. ‘I fainted?’
‘More like collapsed in a deep sleep, according to Mum. She found you in the stables.’
‘What?’
‘It’s OK.’ Natasha’s tone was soothing as I fell back on the cushions. ‘I don’t think you’d been out long.’
‘What time is it?’
‘Just after three.’
I’d been asleep for ages. How had I got to the stables? The last thing I remembered was being in the kitchen, standing up, then … nothing. ‘Where’s Finn?’
‘He’s fine, he’s having a nap. Mum said she brought him in, then went back for you.’
‘I took Finn out there with me?’ This time, I sat up straight, despite the pain in my skull.
‘Well … yes, I suppose so.’ Natasha made a sympathetic face. ‘I got back after the event, I’m afraid.’
‘And your mum got me in here on her own?’ Why couldn’t I remember?
‘She stronger than she looks,’ Natasha said, wryly. ‘And, let’s face it, she looks pretty strong.’ A smile warmed her face, which was like a female version of Dom’s; strong-featured and open, blue eyes bright and inquisitive. ‘I managed to get a little cuddle with my nephew before Mum whisked him away,’ she said. ‘I’ve missed him.’
‘You’re welcome to come and see us any time.’ My words sounded slow and stupid as I tried to make sense of it all. ‘I’m so sorry about this. I don’t know what happened.’
Natasha shook her long dark fringe aside as she bent towards me. ‘Has it happened before?’
I nodded, registering a twinge of surprise that Elizabeth hadn’t told her about my appalling track record as a mother. ‘A few times. Not this bad, though.’
‘Poor you.’ Natasha’s face dropped its bright façade. ‘What’s going on, Sophy?’
