by Leanne Davis
Then he suddenly lifts his face off mine. His eyes are huge. Confused. Fuzzy.
He stares at me and then, without a word of warning, he spins around and runs—runs—at full speed away from me and out the door. I scurry after him, startled and confused, but he’s too far away, springing like an antelope down the Kincaids’ gravel driveway towards the road. Is he really leaving?
I stare down the road with my mouth open in shock. My senses are reeling. My confusion is real and profound.
What in the hell kind of reaction was that? I’ve never seen anyone do that after a simple kiss. Even if it had a bit of forbidden flavor to it, and some unnecessary confusion and perhaps, a little regret about it.
I touch my lips. I can’t believe this.
I also realize with startling clarity that only that kiss could have given me what I feel now.
I shake my head and start for the house.
Jacey and Wyatt are in the living room, talking innocently. They pause when I enter the front door. I didn’t hear Wyatt’s truck come back from work. Crap. I did all of this with them so close by. I can’t believe it. I hate that part about this. I’m sorry it took me pushing the limits of acceptability to know my heart. The truth. It’s just been impossibly confusing to disbelieve everything I thought and accepted as being true.
Inside, Wyatt is rolling his eyes at something Jacey just said. I am spaced out and confused, not remotely listening. I make appropriate facial expressions, but I have no clue what they are disagreeing about, even if it is good-naturedly. I am roused from my reverie when a grunt of sarcasm escapes Wyatt. I sharpen my gaze on his handsome face. That warm, big smile. The little tilt of his mouth that is both teasing and seductive. He never does that with me. Now, he is not so harsh. Not so edgy. Shit, he’s almost flirty.
He never treats me like he interacts with the new girl and stranger, Jacey Walker.
He treats me more like his sister.
I think I treat him like a brother.
The shocking realization sends shudders down my spine.
Concern clouds my mind for Wesley. Where the hell did he go? Will he come back? Of course. He has to. He has nothing but the clothes on his back, so he wouldn’t just leave.
Or would he?
Neither will he ever choose to stay in one place. My head knows that, but my heart wants to reject it. I want to concentrate exclusively on right here and now. I cannot worry about later on. I want to explore the attraction I feel and how we click. I want to ignore the consequences of where it could lead. Or not. I just want to feel something again. Even if it’s irresponsible.
But first, I have to find Wesley.
“You okay?” Jacey asks me. She seems to be a pretty upfront person. So honest with her name, age, and history. Ryder confirmed it, running a check on her, never mind whether or not it was ethical. She isn’t shy or particularly humble. Despite my discomfort at seeing her ease with Wesley, I am also one hundred percent sure she and I could develop a friendship. It’s hard for me not to like her. That’s surprising considering we don’t know each other at all. I’m not sure we have that much in common, yet she makes me feel comfortable enough to be honest and open where I don’t usually feel like that.
“Um. Yes. Sure.” I sit down, slightly dazed during the last few minutes. What happened? I kissed another guy and technically cheated on my boyfriend, and that guy is now running full bore down the street away from me. And the guy I thought I always loved—well, I still do love him—just not in the right way, is sitting right here. He is giving me a placid smile as he awaits my response to Jacey. “No. I mean, maybe things aren’t okay. Wesley and I had a… had a disagreement and he left running down the road. Do you think he will come back?” My gaze is on Jacey. I try to keep my eyes neutral so as not to reveal the churning upheaval in my guts.
“Running?”
“Yes.”
Jacey gives me a penetrating look and I ignore it by staring down at my fingers. I need to talk to Wyatt. Obviously. But I’m not ready to yet. I feel scared and panicked. It isn’t an easy thing to think about hurting the one and only person who has been at your side since you were old enough to remember. I can’t imagine a day without Wyatt in my life. He’s been my pal, my best friend, and now my boyfriend for years. Am I about to throw that away for a guy who sprints off as soon as we share a passionate moment? Just the start! A simple, short kiss. It was a hot kiss. A potent kiss. Okay, I’ll admit that. It had my toes curling and made me feel things I never thought, well, things I didn’t think myself capable of thinking. I believed I was always lukewarm. I enjoyed the affection, the kissing, and sex even. Enjoyed it. Like, I thought it was nice. And that was the extent of it for me.
One touch of the right lips and suddenly nice became explosive. Suddenly, I realized that I’d never been really turned on before. I didn’t even know what I was missing. Not until that kiss.
Hell, it was worse than that, it even happened after some simple looks from Wesley.
I sensed it. The chemistry with him is unique. No one to date could ever manage to create a physical reaction for me. I tried to write it off as him being cute and explain that I was only responding to a biological response. But that doesn’t even make sense. Plenty of cute guys conversed with me, and some I even dated, yet I never reacted to any of them as I did to Wesley.
I know what happened. As starkly as the North Star points to true north, Wesley’s kiss showed me my true attraction, my true sexuality, and now I feel both of those things towards one guy. I used to think what I felt for Wyatt was the extent of those feelings. I honestly didn’t know how much stronger those sensations could be. I am sorry about Wyatt. But I didn’t know. I only loved Wyatt as my best friend. I thought nice was the pinnacle of sexual feelings. My blood never felt like there were rainbows flowing in it, and its radiant heat was only insulated by my throbbing veins. I had no idea.
Now I do. And it both scares and confuses me.
Wyatt snorts. “He’ll be back. Where else is he going to go?”
“He won’t be back tonight would be my guess,” Jacey adds. Her gaze is sharp on me, where Wyatt’s is not.
“What will he do?”
“Find some place to stay, I suppose. I’m sorry, Dani, but I doubt you’ll get to work it out tonight.”
I press my lips together. Oh, she has no idea how I won’t be able to do that. None. I nod, and Wyatt asks me a question about work and what I did over the last few days. I answer by rote, my thoughts obsessed with Wesley. And us. And Wyatt. And us. And the need for me to speak to one of them at a minimum, but most likely both of them if I intend to work this out.
I decide to start with Wyatt. No matter what happens with Wesley, I can’t go on pretending to be lovers with a man I am best friends with. It’s not fair to him, and now that it dawns on me, it’s not fair for me either.
Chapter 12
WESLEY
Run. Run. Damn it. My legs won’t obey me anymore. They won’t listen to my commands. Run. Faster. Harder. Farther. I glance over my shoulder—
Damn it! What the fuck am I doing? What am I running from?
My heart is beating so fast and hard, it seems to fill up my entire chest and even rubs up against my neck. I can hardly catch my breath. Still my legs pump like a piston. Primed and hard. My muscles burn, and the speed I hit as I jump off the road into the woods helps me duck and weave through the tree trunks and tangles of branches that claw at my face while their roots conspire to trip up my feet.
Run. I have to keep running.
Why? Fuck? What am I running from? I don’t know. I don’t know the reason at all. I just… I kissed Dani. Our mouths and tongues touched, and the feelings inside me nearly blew through the top of my head. I started to feel dizzy while touching her body. The intimacy it created was more powerful than anything I’ve ever felt in my life.
I have never been so overwhelmed by my feelings. I wanted to melt into her body and absorb hers into mine. I also wanted to p
ull away from her and run away and never come near her again. Those two opposite urges are evoked by the exact same person. It became so overpowering, I was unable to breathe. I couldn’t think either. It was too much. I could never, ever allow myself to be so vulnerable to another human being. Never. It gives them all the power. All the fucking power in the world! And what could they do with it? Well, hell, there was no predicting that. There are no guarantees. Who knows what they’d do if they got into a bad mood, or were overtired, or who knows what else? No one needs that much power and control.
I have witnessed every type of sex there is, and nothing surprises me. Nothing shocks me. I just didn’t know it could feel like this. I’m confused. Embarrassed. Humiliated because I ran away. I panicked, fearing a heart attack from a single kiss. Okay, I flipped out and possibly had a panic attack.
Why? Because I care about Dani? How stupid would that be? Because I know she’s involved with someone else? No. Nah. That one hang-up can’t bother me this much, or can it? It’s not like Wyatt’s my best friend and I’ve just made a run at his girl. But I never meant to make a run for Dani.
I slow down as my legs want to give out and my lungs are on fire. Crap. I need water. I need to breathe slowly. I need to think. Or not to think. I bend forward, my throat on fire. I run a hand over my sweat-streaked face. What have I done? I ran away like a freak. What is she going to think? How do I face her again? How do I go back? How do I not? They still have my stuff.
I rub my forehead. Confused over what I’ve done and why, I know in my core Dani won’t just ignore this. She’ll want to… what? Talk about it? Tell me I’m a freak? Tell me it was a huge mistake? She loves Wyatt. And crap, I’m living in Wyatt’s house. Regret tugs hard at my heart. I might not like Wyatt, but I sure as hell shouldn’t have kissed his girlfriend.
Kissed his girlfriend.
Is that what that was? It sounded so simple. Platonic almost. Innocent. Like it was nothing. Really in the scheme of sins, it was nothing. Even Wyatt could probably get over it.
But then… it felt like so much more.
And I can’t figure out how to face her. Or them. Or this.
Most of all, I can’t seem to face myself.
I lean back against a tree. I ran away. Not figuratively, but literally. I ran full tilt down the road away from her. Humiliation, fresh and ruthless, overcomes me. How will I ever face Dani? For all I know, she’ll laugh at me. Or no, she’s too kind to blatantly do something like that. She’ll smile and bite her lip and keep her laughter inside or save it for her girlfriends or whomever she confides in, and I’ll be the joke and punchline when she tells others about it someday.
Flipping my head back against the tree trunk, I almost wish I could start smashing my head into it over and over again.
I wiggle around, trying to get comfortable. Completely sweaty and now cooling and so thirsty I want to suck up half the Columbia River, I can’t stand this. I can’t stay like this.
Good Lord, have a few weeks of creature comforts turned me soft? I can’t feel a little bit thirsty for even a few minutes? I stare up at the sky as it’s getting dark. I grow chilled. My t-shirt is damp from sweat and no protection for the cold. I rise to my feet, my stomach growls, and I know there is really nowhere for me to go but back to the Kincaids’. At least for now. For just right now.
But I’ll leave. One day soon. As soon as I hit the magic dollar total, I’ll go. I can deal with a little embarrassment over a kiss I should have never shared with Dani. Sure. No big deal. I can face a girl I only just barely kissed.
Right. Totally. It’s just for a few more weeks. I can do that.
And I’ll never, ever touch Dani Dawson again. In any way. No.
Except, I can’t make myself face the Kincaids. Instead, I hunker down in their barn, careful to be cautious as I’m sneaking into it. I do what I meant to do that night in June. I sleep in their barn unbeknownst to them.
DANI
“Wyatt, sit down.”
He’s coming out the front door. I’m on the porch, staring into the night. Jacey has gone upstairs, and Tara and Ryder went out to dinner and a movie. It’s just us. Wyatt glances down, surprised at my serious tone. I’m nervous. My hands are sweaty. I hate this. I hate myself at this moment. My tongue feels like it swells in my mouth and nearly chokes me. “I think I know what’s wrong with you… and me, this summer.”
“What?” he sits down next to me on the porch swing. My heart hammers hard, but also swells with regret as I glance out towards the yard, the trees, and the barn. I’m sure I won’t be welcomed back here again. I’ll miss it. I’ll miss Tara and Ryder but most of all, Wyatt.
“We… I don’t think we love each other.”
He turns towards me, resting his arm along the back of the bench as he pulls a knee up. “What the hell are you talking about, Dani? Of course, we love each other. I’ve always loved you.”
“As a friend. Your best friend. We do. I do, too.” I stop and try to swallow over my swollen tongue. “But it isn’t like being in love. I mean, it isn’t… it just isn’t all there can be and should be.”
“Where is this coming from?” He shakes his head. “Let me guess. Wesley.”
“Yes.” I shift and keep my spine straight, trying not to fidget. I don’t dare drop my face in burning humiliation that I kissed Wesley. This breakup is about far more than just Wesley. With or without Wesley, this needs to happen. It’s about what is lacking between Wyatt and me.
“You did something with him.” Wyatt’s tone is hollow and dull and his jaw clenches.
“I kissed him. But before you get all indignant about what I did to you, which I deserve, just wait a second. Why could you flirt with Jacey and yet… I’m sure you never did once with me?”
“Flirt with you? You’re my girlfriend! Or at least, you were. Was. Whatever.”
“Do you deny you flirted with Jacey?”
“Don’t turn this on me!”
I sigh, pressing my toes into the deck and gently nudging the swing. “I’m actually not trying to turn it on anyone. I’m hoping you might see what I’m saying. I didn’t know I didn’t feel sexual attraction and the desire to flirt with you until I met Wesley. What I saw with Jacey is that you didn’t realize it either until you were interacting with her.”
“I did no such thing.”
“Okay.” I say, keeping my voice neutral. “Then you didn’t.” I wait a long pause and then add softly, “But are you sure? Are you being truthful? You don’t find her attractive?”
He scoffs. “So. Doesn’t mean anything.”
“Except you’re interested in her. Curious. You aren’t that way with others.”
“So what, Dani? That doesn’t mean I’m going to break up with you over a pretty new face. But you are?”
I swallow and lift my gaze to the yard, squeezing my eyes shut. This hurts. A sharp stab in my side. I don’t want to lose Wyatt. Or hurt Wyatt. Or even not be in love with Wyatt. I want things to stay the same. I don’t know how to be without him in my daily life and I don’t want to lose him. I hate any kind of change. I hate this so much right now.
But I’ve discovered I don’t love him, not enough anyway. Not the right kind of love. And it wouldn’t be fair to either of us.
“Wesley… it’s really not for him. It’s because you’re more of a brother or a best friend and I’m the same to you. We are comfortable and close, so it makes sense. So much sense, all of it. Us dating. What we both planned and wanted all of our lives, but… but Wyatt, we both forgot to make sure our feelings matched our perfect plans. Look at me and tell me your heart is ripping in half. Is it?”
He scowls and glares and jumps to his feet but won’t face me.
“Wyatt?”
“Well, I don’t like it.”
“I know. But I don’t think you’re in love with me either. We should be though. Lord knows we should be. But I just don’t think we are. Whatever happened this summer, before Wesley entered the picture, was somet
hing you didn’t want to talk to me or tell me about. I wasn’t the one you wanted to confide in or get comfort from. Don’t you see? The passion we should feel for each other lies in our friendship for each other. I love you, Wyatt. That will never change. But yes, meeting Wesley was the first time something huge shifted for me. It’s never happened before. I didn’t know my heart could feel like that, so that’s why I didn’t realize we didn’t have it. If I’m wrong, and I’m tearing you apart, instead of making you a little sad and annoyed, just tell me. But I hope you really think about it.”
His shoulders slump, and he grips the porch rail. “Do you love him?”
“I have no idea. I just know something is different. It’s new and confusing and I don’t want to talk to you about it. But it showed me what we don’t have. And I wish you’d admit that you never talk to me about your school life. Or your passions. Or your real, inner self. You want my friendship. You like my companionship and that’s it. We are both here. Like old habits. But Wyatt…”
He groans. “I know. I mean… I know.”
“You know?”
“I just didn’t know what to do about it. How could I not love you? It’s you. But something is all wrong and—”
“I know. No words to describe what.”
“Yeah.” His dejected tone tells me his feelings match mine. He flops down beside me. “So, now what?”
“I guess we break up and be best friends at the same time. Please tell me you will be my friend always. The feelings aren’t the heated kind, not like love and hate. They’re the gentle love that is shared between friends.”
“I could never hate you, Dani.”
“Even if…”
