by Leanne Davis
“No. I’d be—I’d do whatever made you feel better.”
“So, it’s no different from me to you. Just because you’re a guy doesn’t change that. In fact, it’s worse since you were just a child.”
“I never told anyone.”
“I think a lot of people never tell anyone. Especially children.”
“I didn’t know that when I kissed you. I didn’t know I’d run.”
I nod, smiling with infinite sadness, but to myself because he cannot see me. “I know. I didn’t either. But now that I know, it makes sense.” I grip his face in my hands again. “Don’t you see that? Having some kind of reaction is the normal response. If you had no response, then I’d worry that something wasn’t right. Because you do, it tells me you just need… maybe… someone.”
“I’ve never had someone,” he whispers as in a confessional. The gravity with which he’s spoken to me sounds more like a confession to a priest.
“Well, you do now. This moment,” I state as I put my feet on the ground, and my arms around his neck. I pull him against my chest. His hands circle my waist and his head sinks between my breasts. There’s neediness in his hold. There is nothing sexual at this moment to his touch of my breasts.
I say, “I was pretty serious about dinner.”
After a long moment in which I’m afraid he’ll take me as being serious, he laughs out loud and shakes his head against me. “Okay. I can do that.”
“I know. Now, come on, have you been back to the Kincaids’?”
“Won’t Wyatt get me kicked out?”
“Wyatt’s not going to get you kicked out. He might have had a bit of an attitude adjustment about you.”
I can feel Wesley’s relief to be off the subject of his past. He releases me and runs his hand over his head. He rises to his feet. His size dominates my small stature.
“What? You told him?”
“That he was flirting with Jacey right in front of me and attracted to her in ways he never was to me? Yeah, I told him that.”
“Jacey? And Wyatt?” Wesley’s voice loses the haunted tone. I sigh a little, because right then, he sounds like himself.
“Yes. Wyatt and Jacey. Believe me, I know him, and that’s the first I’ve seen him react that way to a woman. And he never did that with me. So, Wyatt is more concerned about that than if there is anything going on with us.”
“Us? He shakes his head.
I keep his hand in mine. “Us.”
“I’m not staying—”
“Dinner. Some kissing maybe. That’s what we’re looking at here. Stop with the other stuff. Okay? Jeez, how much do you think I can handle?” I squeeze his hands with a gentle smile.
He’s stricken at first. Unable to get used to my casual approach to things like kissing and dinner. But after looking at me for a long moment, he nods and releases a smile. “I think you can handle a lot.”
I let him retreat and take his hand and tug him to walk back towards the Kincaids’ house. We walk in silence until we’re quite a distance away from the deck. But the window on the back door isn’t covered, and we can see through it into the living room. The entire homey, family scene is bustling and alive. Ryder and Tara sit at the table with Wyatt. They are talking and enjoying dinner together.
“I can’t just go in there. I’ve been gone for almost three days now.”
“You can. You need to.”
“They’ll hate me. Wyatt…he’s their priority.”
“Well, duh. As it should be. He’s their son. But Wyatt was going to tell them we broke up. And that you and I are interested in each other, and he’s fine with it. And that you were worried and stayed away to give Wyatt some more time.”
“Why would he do that? For me?”
“Actually, he would do it for me. Not for you.”
“Really?”
I smile and look up at him. Squeezing his hand, I shake his hand with mine. “Friends. Yes, we are legitimate friends. He’d do that for me. I asked him to.”
“I’ve… never known people like any of you.”
I sigh. It would have been so much easier to be in love with Wyatt. I kinda wish I had been. But here I am with Wesley, who is always on the outside of families and looking in, only to be confused by the most ordinary interactions. I wish he could have more of them so he could start to understand them and learn they aren’t double rainbows. They are precious, sure, but there are supposed to be lots of them in people’s childhood and teen years, so many that people eventually take them for granted and start to resent the fussing and interference in their lives.
Somehow, I think every single “normal” interaction to Wesley is as precious as a unicorn and something he’ll cherish forever. But I worry if he’ll be able to understand it all or trust anyone. Half of his comments hurt my heart, but I try to keep my voice easy so I don’t scare him off. “They want you to come home, Wesley.”
He keeps staring at the people in the house. “No one has ever wanted me to come home. Not in my entire life.” He shakes his head, as if dislodging a helmet. “Shit. Listen to me. This isn’t my home. I never had one, and I don’t need one now.”
“Right. Because you like to travel.” I really want to say because you like to run. But I bite my tongue and let his hand go. It’s time to face the Kincaids and hope Wyatt cooled down enough to do as we agreed, out of respect for our steadfast friendship. Though battered and bruised, I know it’s still there. And I hope the Kincaids come through for the man next to me. He’s huge and hulking as if he could take on a bull and wrestle him to the ground, but the vulnerability in his eyes shows the little boy that still exists, always hoping for a place to call home. And acceptance. And parents. All the things right inside. I doubt if they were ever in his sight before. Naturally, he couldn’t reach for it or grab onto any type of understanding of it if he was unaware of its existence. But now he had seen it and been part of it. So, he reached for it. And now? He knew it was out there and that he missed out on it.
His fear of me, them, and all of this made his body tense. “Don’t run,” I whisper, standing behind him. He doesn’t turn around or look at me. But he does stick his hand out behind him, and I set mine in his. He starts up the deck to enter the Kincaids’ house, and I follow him.
What hits my heart, is how he walks in without knocking. Perhaps he had come farther than I first realized. Now he seems to be fitting in there. He just has to understand what was starting to take shape for him, welcome or not. He was starting to interact as a member of the household. An ordinary, regular member of the people who cared about each other and took care of each other in this household like a family.
Chapter 14
WESLEY
She found me.
How did she find me? I see Dani standing on the shadow-filled beach.
I’m sitting here with a fistful of pebbles and aiming them at a small stick at my feet, just to keep my mind busy. I ran. Away from the only woman who has ever captured my attention. I finally wanted to kiss a woman. I’ve been attracted to girls over the years. And I got turned on easily. Sure. It all worked. Until I thought of actually doing anything. I can hardly admit this to myself, but to someone else? What if someone figured it out? If I even think about having sex, I freeze up. It’s a wall I can’t seem to get over. I don’t know how to approach it. So, I never do. I feign disinterest. I leave.
I pick up my pack and leave whomever I vaguely flirted with. I come off normal though. I’ve been eye-fucked by enough women of all ages to know I appeal to them. I am big and muscled and they assume I’ll be a fucking stud. I should be. I want to be.
I’m just not.
How could I be when I freeze up at the very thought of it? But then I met Dani. Despite Wyatt and all the reasons I knew not to, she was not the right girl. I would mess up her life and eventually leave. That should have been the end of it and the answer to why nothing could come of our mutual attraction. But then there she was. I have never felt the pull towards anyon
e as I did to her. I saw her, and my heart instantly hurt. I feel entirely engaged with her. From my body to my heart to my head and then to my dick. All of it. I want her. I am convinced right down to my core that it would all be different with her. There would be no more hesitation. No more fear.
And there wasn’t when I grabbed her to kiss her. It wasn’t planned. It was hot and spontaneous, totally in the moment. It was me acting on the laws of chemistry and attraction… and sex. I was caught in the moment. Feeling a desire to have sex. But then, fuck it all! I went crazy, and I couldn’t understand why it felt so… I don’t know… good. And then it was like I was being sucked through a vortex and pulled back to where I hated going. I was there again, and I just had to escape it. I had to get away. I had to save myself.
And that was why I was running down the road.
For my life.
I tried to go work where I thought we could end it. It would be awkward and weird, but I didn’t intend to explain anything. I planned to pretend it was nothing. Act like I just didn’t want her.
But one look and it all swirled in my guts again. I wanted her. So bad. In ways so far beyond ever wanting anyone. I want to hold her. Hug her. Talk to her. See her. Watch her smile. Kiss her. Hold her. Have sex with her. Fuck her. Make love to her. All of it. All I could imagine experiencing with anyone, I want to do with her. And one look reminded me of all that.
I thought perhaps I ended it. It hurt. More than the humiliation even. Than the memories. Than my early youth.
But there she is. Staring at me on this beach. My ears ring. What the hell? How could she be here staring at me on the beach? I’m speechless. Confused. Unsure what to do or say. I look away. How can I be such a wuss? A virgin that freaked out after his first adult tongue kiss. That was it in stark reality what happened. How could I face her? For even the sweetness and innocence I see in Dani would make it hard to comprehend that: fear of a kiss. How could it be coming from me? I’ve seen everything. In every way. Everywhere. But I’ve done none of it.
And I was afraid to kiss.
And when I tried? I freaked the fuck out.
She was suddenly right in front of me. I was amazed to find her face coming into my sight as she scooted forward on her knees and landed between my legs. She was touching my legs. My face. My head. There were words. She said some words. Some of them registered. Some of them didn’t. A panic is swirling through my head. Fuck. She is going to see me. See the humiliation that characterizes me. She is going to leave me and laugh as she points her finger at the big black guy who was afraid to kiss her. Afraid because of something an old lady fuck did to me a decade ago. As if it matters now. How could it affect us? My hard-on for the woman before me. Who is willing to be with me? And yet… I can’t reach out for her. I’m so scared.
She says things. Good things that have my breath stalling. About understanding me. About caring. About all the opposites of humiliation and ridicule and criticizing my fucking oddities. All the opposites of those.
I can’t help it. I’m not strong enough to push away the only true person who has ever reached out to me. I all but suffocate her in my hold. God, I love her. Yeah, so? I figure this has to be love because I’ve never felt anything close to it before. I won’t tell her. She can’t possibly love me back like this, but my crazy bear hug clinging is because I’m holding and getting close to the only person who has ever seen something real about me and not rejected me.
And now here I stand staring at the Kincaids, a family that I just don’t understand. Why do they allow me to stay here? How could I have caused the breakup of their son and his girlfriend and still contemplate walking back in inside their house? To do what? Join them? Can I? Dani, who is wise, intelligent, and knows about ordinary, everyday things like a family, says I can. And Dani holds my hand. She gives me the strength to assert myself over something I’ve never claimed before: dinner with the few people I want to be around.
Because right or wrong, explainable or not, I like Ryder and Tara and I like to be around them. I like their thoughts. Their humor. Their questions. They ask me a lot of questions, and I like the genuine interest they show in me. I feel as if I’m wallowing in it. And I wasn’t ready to let go of it yet. Or Dani.
As I enter, Wyatt notices us first and stops talking, waving his fork in mid-air. He nods my way. “Told you he’d show up. Not much luck of it going the other way.”
Tara turns. Ryder turns. I wait for the glares and the anger at Dani. Their questions about where have I been and what was I doing? Was I trying to duck out on our deal? Fuck. Maybe Ryder would just arrest me. But then Tara gets up.
Nodding, she says, “Sit down, you two. Next time you’re going to be gone so long, let me know. Just the decent thing to do. We all check in with each other. You know, common decency so no one thinks the other died in a ditch somewhere. Wyatt’s twenty, and he still does it, so you can too, Wesley. You had me worrying about your safety. So, please check in.”
She’s chiding me? I disappeared for three days, all but broke up their son and his longtime girlfriend, and she harps on how I didn’t check in? I stare hard. Ryder gives me a head nod. “Better sit before she gets madder,” he says with a wink.
I glance around. I’m so confused by these people.
Dani slides into a chair. She gives Wyatt a small, shy smile. Kind of like she used to give me. The nerves are tight around her mouth. But Wyatt smiles back, making Dani suddenly beam at him. Huh. This singular action makes me think maybe the guy isn’t all bad. He didn’t make Dani feel like shit for what happened. I respect that. And he likes Jacey? Or so Dani believes, and next to Dani there is no one better than Jacey, so he has excellent taste.
“Sit. I’m tired of hearing about you and where the hell you are. Just check in.”
I’m startled when it’s Wyatt’s voice. Grouchy and mumbling but not hateful. Not rude. Not telling me to get out. Or storming out on his own and not checking in.
Tara serves two full plates with food, and I sit, shoveling the food into my mouth. My appetite does nothing but grow the longer I eat Tara and Ryder’s home-cooked meals. It really does it for me. I’m getting soft already. I’m so used to the regular three meals a day that going without was harder this time. I feel famished to the point of shaking, which I haven’t felt before. I’m shoveling it in when I realize the table has grown quiet. I glance up to find all four of them staring at me.
“Shit. You didn’t eat much the entire time you were gone, did you?” Wyatt rolls his eyes. “Then don’t be gone so long. What an idiot.”
I grin and shake my head as Dani sighs. She’ll have to get used to that. She’ll have to realize how I’m accustomed to living and relating to other people. It’s just that way for me. There is nothing odd to me about spending a few days away from a house and all its luxuries and having nothing more than some berries in the woods and apples I manage to swipe off someone’s tree.
I also answer Wyatt. “Well, I might if you weren’t such an asshole to me, trying to kick my ass every time I walk around the corner or enter a room.”
“I never have. So, ooh, real scary asshole I am.” Wyatt snickers.
“You are actually.”
“Well, I guess you haven’t robbed us yet, so fine, stay or whatever.”
I scoop more food in, trying to fill the empty, gnawing hole that feels like it opened up in my stomach. Tara sits back and sets her fork down. “You two better not kill each other!”
I know she means because of how Dani is between us. Wyatt shrugs. He stares at me, then Dani and back. “Just don’t be a dick to her. Or hurt her. Or do anything she doesn’t like, or I will come over and beat your ass.”
I don’t expect Wyatt to say it out loud. Not about me and his girlfriend, er, ex of a few days. My mouth is hanging open, no food in it at least. I close my jaw and clear my throat.
“Yeah, that seems fair,” I answer, my gaze falling downwards. Dani’s hand touches my knee under the table to my surprise.
>
Ryder suddenly gets up. “I can’t take the drama. I’m going to start putting the engine back in my boat. When you two are done, I could use some muscle.”
I stare up at him. Wyatt groans but mutters, sure. And I stare some more. What just happened? Have I made some kind of undeclared peace with Wyatt? I had dinner and I’m still welcome here? And Ryder wants my help still? In fact, he seems to assume I will help him. I have to help, just like Wyatt, because he said so.
I find his gaze on me, waiting for a response. I nod. “Sure. Yeah. In a minute.”
“Good. See you boys in a few.”
I give Dani a look, and she gives the same one back to me. Then she mouths, I told you. She might have told me so, but I never dreamed it would be true.
I finish every last crumb of two full helpings and half a pie. For real. They have endless amounts of food. And Tara shoves it all at me. She stops after scooping the pie onto my plate, and as she turns to leave, she says, “Don’t… please don’t just disappear. Okay? Tell us where you are at least.”
“Okay.” I hold her blue-eyed gaze for a long moment.
She gives me a small smile. “Thank you. It’s important to me.”
“I promise.” It’s the least I owe this woman. My heart thumps at her. I still don’t think I deserve her concern. Her endless chances to improve… her mothering.
Whatever. It’s okay to enjoy something for a short time. It’s like a treat. A vacation. Everyone deserves those. I finish and get to my feet. I stare at Dani. She smiles as she gets up. “I’m going home. But what about tomorrow? Dinner?”
I nod. “I just… I can’t drive.”
“I’m aware of that. I can. I’ll pick you up. Don’t be a macho prick about it. Seven?”
“Yeah. I work tomorrow.”
“Me, too.” She gives me a grin, and I turn and go out the front door.
Wyatt and Ryder are in the boat, staring down at something as Ryder moves a tool. I come up behind them. I wait and then say, “What can I do?”
