"A couple?" I raised an eyebrow.
This made Gray's flush travel from his ears down his neck. "Three," he mumbled.
I shot bolt upright. "You sleep with three different girls!"
"Not at the same time." He covered his eyes. "When you have FWBs it's all about the sex. I don't pick up girls at bars and take them home at night because, well, it’s dangerous. Pregnancy. STIs. So I just have sex with three girls who are just as careful as I am."
"And none of these girls have feelings for you?” I asked skeptically. I couldn’t imagine having sex with someone more than once and not having feelings for them but this was the world I was heading into. What a bleak future, I thought.
"Hell no. One of them is a resident at San Diego General. She barely has time to shit and eat so we hook up only when she remembers she’s a sexual being, which is like once a month, if that. At most, I'm a live action dildo for her."
"And the others?"
"Why are we talking about this?"
"Dunno. I'm kind of intrigued." I was. I should be more appalled but he was like an introductory course in modern mating and I was obviously in need of an education.
He sighed heavily. "Okay, the one I see more regularly is an on-base nurse. She does all the blood tests. We got to talking one day and one thing led to another. She doesn't want to be tied down to a military guy but right now, we're all that’s in her path."
"A nurse and a doctor. You going to want me to dress up in nursing costume?"
There was a prolonged silence as Gray appeared to contemplate this for far too long. "Gray!" I pretended to be shocked.
"Sorry, sorry," he finally said. "Not that I'm asking, but would you?"
I shook my head at him but didn't say no. The idea of dressing up in a costume to have sex with him wasn’t a turn off. Not at all.
"So the other?" I prompted.
"EMT," he muttered through his fingers.
"What was that?"
“EMT," he said more clearly.
"You do have some kind of medical fetish,” I declared. "What are you doing with me? I'm a knitter. Should I take you over to the osteopath school and find some nice student for you?"
"Shush, you.” Gray pulled me down. "I don't know why they're all in the medical profession. Probably because they have the same hang-ups as I do about safety before sex. It doesn't matter. I don't have it all that often and it's meaningless."
"I don’t think so." I reached down and stroked his chin. The stubble on his chin that had appeared in the afternoon and grown into the evening was prickly against my palm. I actually loved the feel of it, so different than the smoothness of my own. The contrast made me shiver. The roughness of his stubble against my breasts and my neck had been thrilling. Just the remembrance was sending tendrils of excitement through my bloodstream.
"Why's that?" he mumbled, sounding distracted. I drew my hand away slightly and his head followed me, seeking out my touch. I allowed myself a tiny private smile. We were connected.
“It seems to me you do have relationships. They’re girls you have friendships with and then you have sex. Isn’t that some kind of attachment?”
"No, because all we do is have sex. At times that are convenient to us. There are no preliminaries. I call her up or she calls me up, we meet, do the deed, and then go home. No sleepovers. No cuddling."
"That sounds really... Cold." I wanted to say awful.
"It's not," he replied curtly.
"But how can the sex be any good?"
"It's good if you know what you're doing." The sides of his lips quirked up. "And I do."
"I know you do." I traced a finger in and then out of the grooves on the sides of his mouth. The gold flecks in his eyes glowed. As if they were beckoning me, I leaned forward and placed my lips softly against the sides of his upturned lips. He didn't move but just allowed me to explore him. Bracing myself with my left arm, I ran my free hand over his chest, savoring each hard ridge. The curve of his shoulder flowed into a large muscled arm and lightly furred forearms. In contrast to the indolent ease of the rest of his body, his large hands were gripping the cushion. I was gratified by this show of both control and desire. I had no doubt that Gray could make my body feel good. It was the rest of me that I was worried about.
"You have a beautiful body,” I told him, whispering soft kisses over the high cheekbones and the peak of his nose.
"I think that's my line," he choked out.
"It's not a line.”
Gray reached for my wandering hand and pulled me down gently over him, repositioning me so I lay between the V of his legs.
"Maybe not." He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me. His lips were both soft and firm, and at first, it was just a plush meeting of flesh. When he parted his mouth and I felt the wetness of his tongue against the seam of my lips, I couldn't stop my own answer. The touch of his tongue against mine made me shudder. Collapsing against him, I clutched at his shoulder and ate at his mouth with a fervor matched by his own hunger.
He pushed his hips up, his groin pressing directly against my center. The sensation was so exquisite that I nearly came from just the pressure. This is so much better than touching myself.
"My God," he whispered against my lips. "Say it again."
I hadn't realized I said it out loud. "This feels better than what I've been doing at home."
"Tell me," he asked, rocking his hips against me. Reaching down, he pulled my legs over his, switching our positions so that my legs were outside of his. I could control the contact better and I ground down. I let out a moan of frustration.
Gray was experienced enough to know what that sound meant. He reached between us, slipping his big hand down to cup me between my legs. "Tell me," he demanded again. "I'll get you off again.” Rubbing the heel of one hand directly against my pubic bone, his other hand pulled at my hair so he could leave a trail of wet hot kisses along my throat. "You tell me what you think about when you touch yourself and I promise, I will bring you off, and it will be good.”
I'd've promised anything to him at this point.
"I think about being licked between my legs." I bit my tongue and whimpered a little as Gray rubbed two fingers against me. My inner thighs felt damp and I squirmed at the thought of how wet I was, but Gray wouldn't let me move away, just kept up a relentless stroking rhythm. My toes curled as I felt a tightness seize body.
"What else?" he growled in my ear. "When you touch yourself, do you get your fingers wet or do you just rub on top?"
"Wet," I choked out. "I get wet."
"I'm going to see just how wet.” His fingers dipped inside me. “Very wet," he said and his approving tone made me feel sexy instead of uncomfortable. The touch of his rough fingers against my sensitive skin was delicious. Reaching down, I pressed my hand against his although I wasn't sure if I wanted him to stop or touch me harder. Then he started talking again and I was done for.
"I can't wait until we’re in a bed and the lights are on. I’ll be staring at your pussy." He ran his tongue against my neck while his fingers were busy between my legs, stroking me with short, firm movements. "I bet you're pink and your honey will be dripping off of it. I'll prop your ass up on a couple of pillows and then I'll kneel between your legs. My first motion will be to lick you from right here," he curled both of his fingers close to my most sensitive area and then swept them forward, "to here. I'll suck your little clit into my mouth until it’s hard and while I’m doing that, I’ll slip my fingers inside you and pump you until your sweet come floods my hand." While he talked, his fingers pinched my clit and then he slipped first one finger and then another inside me. And that was all it took. I came all over him, the words, the touching, all of it sending me out of my mind. My hips came off the seat, meeting the thrusts of his fingers eagerly.
He stroked me all throughout my shudders and then when my body had quieted and my legs had collapsed, he withdrew his fingers and cupped me tenderly. His lips came down on mine again.
Smoothing my hands over the planes of his shoulder blades and down his broad back, I reveled in the feel of his weight pressing me into me. "Yes." It was the only word that mattered now.
CHAPTER TWELVE
WHAT WE’D SHARED IN THE car changed something between Gray and me. And it wasn’t just sex. It was the connecting we did afterward. I wondered if he could hear how much he actually didn’t enjoy his random soulless hook ups—calling himself a live action dildo wasn’t much of a compliment. They weren’t even his friends, even if he liked to use the label “friends with benefits.” Obviously his cheating ex had affected him badly, and he’d not gotten over it. But guys that went into the military didn’t like to admit that they were weak.
Will had come home after basic training and I’d asked him why his feet looked like they had been tortured. Was it called boot camp because your feet took on the smell and look of a worn rubber boot?
But he’d scoffed at my concern. His fucked-up feet were a sign of his achievements, I guess. I tried to get him to get a pedicure with me, but he’d said he wasn’t going to spend any minute of his leave having some chick paint his toenails. He’d never hear the end of it. I suspected Gray was just the same way. Admitting that a girl hurt his heart so much that he was afraid to get close again wasn’t in his DNA. But I recognized grief and loss and sorrow and pain. I’d lived with it for years. Those feelings were intimate friends of mine, and they dogged Gray too.
I drove him back to Adam’s house. He invited me in, but I didn’t want to wake up in a house full of guys and neither of us were ready for him to go back to the condo. Heck, even I went back to my parents’ house. I told Gray I was too tired to drive anywhere but the truth was that I was scared to go back to my condo. Scared that Will would be there, looking at me with disapproval. He’d be able to smell Gray on me and see the lazy look of satisfaction in my eyes. I'd just had an orgasm with someone other than Will, and I wasn't ready to bring that home. Instead, I climbed into my Will-free bed and dreamt of another man between my legs.
When I woke up feeling guilty and turned on, I called Eve for some courage and advice.
"You aren't supposed to have feelings for the rebound guy, right?" I asked Eve the next morning.
"Right!" she exclaimed. "Tell me you aren't falling for soldier boy."
I didn't say anything.
"Are you there?" Eve asked.
"You told me not to tell you anything."
"Dammit, Sam." The gusty sigh whistled over the telephone line.
"I know but he's so vulnerable." I told Eve about his friends with benefits.
"So he's not over his ex?"
"No, he's over her, but he's still suffering from the negative side effects. I get it."
"He's not a widower." Eve tried to depress my mounting excitement.
"I know, but he's suffered. I feel, I don't know, like he’s a kindred spirit or something."
"I think you're reading too much into this."
"I'm not," I protested. We'd even exchanged phone numbers before he'd kissed me sweetly good night. The memory of last night made my body tingle all over. "He's very sweet beneath his prickly exterior. He really longs for a special connection with someone but is too scared to reach for it."
Eve contemplated this for a moment. "That sounds like how you feel."
"Could be. Could be we both feel this way."
"Just be careful." Eve sighed.
"Thanks for the pep talk." I smiled and hung up at her blowing me a raspberry over the phone.
GRAY TEXTED ME MID-MORNING.
U around?
Yes.
A few seconds later my phone rang. It was Gray.
“How are you feeling this morning?”
“Good, you?”
“Felt…odd,” he said and before any anxiety had set in, he continued. “I missed you.” Then he laughed. “I think. Sleeping over isn’t something I’m familiar with but I woke up thinking about you. When I jogged over to your parents’ house your Rover was gone.”
I felt warm all over. “I went back to the condo and now I’m sitting on my balcony knitting.”
“I wish I could come over but the boys want to head to the Boundary Waters and do some portaging.”
“That’s what? Carrying your canoe around?”
“Yeah and eating uncooked beans and rice.”
“Sounds really fabulous,” I said, completely insincere.
Gray chuckled. “Anyway, I wanted to call and let you know that I’ll have no cell phone service for a week. Can I see you when I get back?”
I covered the phone and let out a shaky breath. Until that moment I hadn’t realized how much I wanted, maybe even needed, to see him again and for him to want to be with me. “I’d like that,” I told him once I gathered my self-possession.
“I’ll be thinking about you,” he said and his low tone made me tremble.
I took a step off the cliff, hoping the safety rope was still there. “I’ll be fantasizing about you.” It was about as edgy and sexy as I felt like I could get.
A long pause followed my words and I grew concerned that I’d interpreted all of this incorrectly. Then I heard a cough, a rustle, and a slight groan. The sound was different when he spoke too. “Sorry, had to get some privacy here,” he said. “I’m going to need you to go into greater detail.”
“Ahhh,” I stalled. I had very little practice in talking dirty to someone. “Um, sorry, I’m sitting out here on my balcony and I think I’m redder than my neighbor’s peonies.”
He burst out laughing and the sound of it made me want to float up in the air. “That’s okay.” A pounding on the door echoed down phone lines and I heard Gray’s muffled voice yell, “I’ll be out in sec.” To me, he said in gruff voice, “I gotta go. I’ll call you the minute I get back and we’ll do something fun. I promise.”
The time apart was smart for both of us. I think we were both caught off guard by the intensity our encounter. I spent the week thinking about him and Will. Whenever Will would come home for leave, he’d try to convince me to move to Alaska with him, but I’d always rebuffed him with a litany of reasons. I had too many friends here. I would miss my family. I hated the cold. I may have been hoping that he’d give up jumping out of airplanes for me and realize that our dream of going to college together was so much better. But he was stubborn and the fervor of being a soldier held more power over him than I did.
Gray was like Will in some aspects. They both loved the military. But Gray’s love was a bittersweet one, tested by loss and experience. He spoke so passionately about the men he served with and made sure that they were ready and safe. His confusion about whether to reenlist or separate was one that would easily resolve when he sat down and accepted that responsibility he thought he couldn’t handle. Deep down, he knew he could do it but while there was time to resist, he would. As for him not trusting a woman enough to have a relationship? That was a different story but what I’d said to Eve was true. I felt a kinship with Gray and no matter what happened to us, I hoped we would be friends.
He made me feel young and excited, and I loved those feelings. They were better than sitting around my virginal bedroom wondering why I should get out of bed the next day. I found myself excited to get up. I was looking forward to his return, and I didn’t care if he had another adventure planned. I just wanted to spend time together.
During the week, I spent more time with Bitsy and realized how much I missed her company. Her crush on Tucker worried me. And Tucker worried me, with his strained relationship with his parents. They needed each other, or at least Carolyn and Tucker needed each other. I wasn’t sure if Will's dad needed anything but golf and Scotch.
On the day before Gray came back from his trip, I packed Will’s things away—all but the flag. If I was going to make room i
n my life for another person, then his Army assault pack and combat boots needed to be boxed up. Will was still taking up a lot of space in my mind and my condo. And it was time to let him go. All those future plans I had made with Will weren't ever going to come true. Not the two kids we talked about having, or the dogs. Not the places we were going to see or the trips we were going to take.
None of those things were going to happen now—and I couldn't foresee a future that I spent alone. I didn't want that, and I knew Will wouldn't have wanted that for me. He was always so full of life and the fact that I'd spent the last two years wandering around in the wilderness of my mind would have pissed him off. I didn't know if he would have wanted me to take up with another military guy. He might be saying right now that I should be looking for an accountant or—no, he would have wanted me to take those adventures. He'd have been proud of me, I think. Silent, hot tears started rolling down my face, but they weren't really tears of sadness. They were tears nonetheless—and I cried about all the things that I'd felt for Will. I was sorry to let him go, but it was time.
GRAY HAD CALLED ME THE evening they’d gotten home. I could hear the weariness in his voice.
“Hey, missed you,” were the first words out of his mouth.
It was easy to return the sentiment. “I’m glad you’re back.”
“Me too. I’m bushed from the ride. Don’t know why that wears me out, but it does. Can I take you somewhere tomorrow?”
“Can’t wait.”
And now we were together.
"I don't get it," I said finally. Gray was lying in the canoe, hat over his eyes, hands folded over his chest. His fishing rod was lying next to the wooden seat beside him.
"What's there to get?"
"I thought we were doing something adventurous."
"It's hot as hell out here, isn't it?"
It was. The humidity in the air hung down like a wet blanket. The heat was more bearable out on the water and the battered hat that was about two sizes too big for my head, which Gray had produced out of the back of a roommate’s truck, gave me some shade. But yeah, it was hot as hell. I dipped my hand into the water and splashed myself a little.
Unraveled (Woodlands) Page 14
