‘You don’t employ me,’ Trish said through gritted teeth. ‘So you can’t fire me. We have a contract.’
‘And the contract says that it’s an editorial call as to whether the publication actually prints the response received from the party of the first part,’ Zee rattled off as if she were reading directly from the legal document. Her voice became dismissive again. ‘So let’s not keep going on and on about something which is a non-issue.’
‘It is an issue.’ Trish’s voice rang loud in her own head, over the sound of the pounding of her blood. ‘We can’t be so irresponsible, there’s a reader out there who needs to get some proper counselling.’
‘And we are not the ones to provide it,’ Zee cut in. ‘Do I have to remind you that you’re not actually a real counsellor? Please. Don’t get caught up in your own image. And do try to remember, it’s not even your own! Amy belongs to the paper, and will continue to do so long after you’re gone.’
‘Who cares about Amy and her bloody image?’ Trish was shouting now. ‘That guy needs help. Won’t you feel sick about yourself if he actually hurts himself?’
‘We’re not liable,’ Zee said smugly. ‘Our terms and conditions cover that. You must think we’re novices in this game. We happen to have one of the best legal teams in the country. As a media house, we need to cover ourselves against any eventuality. But then what do you know about the way things work?’
‘It’s not about whether you’re liable in court. How will you be able to sleep at night if something happens to him?’ Trish shook her head slowly. She could see she wasn’t getting through to Zee, but went on desperately. ‘This is wrong. Zee, listen to me and print that letter tomorrow. Or we’ll all be reading the news of yet another suicide and wondering if we could have done something to prevent it.’
‘Or.’ Zee’s black eyes had a strange gleam in them. ‘If that actually does happen, we’ll have a fabulous story on our hands about how we got that letter just one day too late, how we were the first to hear about it, but despite our best efforts, we couldn’t get to the poor fellow on time.’
It took effort for Trish to understand what Zee was actually talking about. What kind of a monster was she dealing with? She found her voice somehow. ‘The dates would give you away – I would too – and then you’d probably go to jail for abetting suicide.’
Zee threw her head back and roared with laughter. It rang out rich and sonorous and made Trish’s skin crawl. Every passing second made her want to throw something at Zee. She stood there, clenching and unclenching her fist. When Zee recovered, she heaved a sigh and looked at Trish with distinct amusement. ‘You really do have no idea how things work, do you, dear little Trish? Who do you think holds more clout with any authority figure that matters? The leading editor of one of the most powerful media houses of the country?’ She made a wide sweeping gesture around her office. ‘Or someone like …’ She didn’t complete her sentence and the disdain on her face, as she raised one finger towards Trish in a lazy gesture, ensured that she didn’t have to.
Trish realized that she was breathing heavily. Her head was spinning and she could feel every hair on her body standing on end. She would have keep herself calm somehow, or she would fly at and physically attack this bitch. She swallowed hard and tried a different tack.
‘Look, Zee. If you’re not going to print the response anywhere, not even online, at least help me understand if we can identify the sender somehow. Was it over email or was it transcribed from a physical letter? Which part of Mumbai was it from, do we know anything?’
‘Sorry,’ Zee purred in a manner that suggested she was anything but. ‘That’s privileged information and we are not allowed to give that out.’ She narrowed her eyes. ‘Besides, you might just mess everything up with your poking around and give things away, and that’s hardly good for the future of the column. Or you, right?’
Trish’s shoulder’s slumped in defeat. She had tried everything. She knew she couldn’t get anything more out of Zee.
She turned away slowly to leave and Zee’s voice rang out, ‘A last word of advice for you. You should work a little harder at knowing your place.’ Trish didn’t turn back to see Zee’s expression but she knew she was sneering at her. ‘You don’t seem to have the least idea of who you really are.’ Trish heard the sound of some papers being shuffled, and then Zee concluded, ‘Nobody.’
Trish closed her eyes for a second and pressed her lips together to keep from responding. She somehow made it to the door. The important thing now was for her to keep walking, and she did just that.
By the time she made it home, her mind was a complete mess. Ma was giving her the silent treatment, but she barely registered it. Thankfully, Ba was already asleep, so she was spared having to pretend to be cheerful for his sake.
She felt tempted to call Sahil, and felt a little irritated with herself. She had always been independent, she had never needed anyone’s help to figure anything out. And Sahil had been so reticent the last time about the Lisa thing. At one level, she respected his decision to keep his visions to himself. But at the same time, when it was possible for him to actually help someone out by sharing it, why wouldn’t he? Trish had briefly considered pulling out the ‘I saved your life and you owe me’ card, but emotional blackmail of any sort just wasn’t in her nature.
She lay in bed, her mind racing in a hundred different directions. She didn’t feel like eating even though her stomach was rumbling. She felt sick with helplessness about that unpublished letter. She would never forgive Zee if something happened to that guy. More importantly, she would never forgive herself.
She tossed and turned, sleep eluding her completely till well past midnight. When she finally did drift off, it was only into fitful dozes with strange, unconnected images and thoughts making their way into her dreams.
She saw the words of the unanswered letter; Ma’s face quivering with anger; Sahil’s eyes flashing as he told her that there was so much that she already knew; Zee’s cruel, cackling laugh as she held out a newspaper with the bold headline, ‘Media house first to receive copy of suicide letter’; and the most uncomfortable image of them all, the sight of Akanksha’s father, grotesquely twisted in death, the exact same sight she had seen the night of his fall, only this time the view was from far above, as if she were seeing it from the sky. It looked even more frightening like that and she felt like crying. As she dreamt, she felt tears running down her face, and she was dimly aware that this was strange because Trish didn’t cry.
She awoke with a start and sat up straight in bed, her heart beating fast. Her mouth was dry and she felt like she couldn’t breathe at all. To her surprise, her cheeks were actually wet. She wiped her face with trembling hands. She couldn’t remember the last time a dream had left her feeling so shaken and scared. There was a strange undercurrent of emotion that she couldn’t put her finger on immediately, even though it felt vaguely familiar to her. She thought it resembled the sensation of guilt.
She reached out to switch on her bedside lamp. A bottle of water was lying on the table next to her and she grabbed it and raised it to her lips, the cool liquid soothing her parched throat. She put the bottle down and stared out of her window at the still-dark sky for a long time.
Just because the letter wasn’t published by DNX, it didn’t mean that there was no way to get it out there. It was an online, interconnected world. It was best to just do it now before she was tempted to change her mind. She’d had enough of this anyway. It wasn’t worth it, no matter how much it paid.
She got up and tiptoed down the hall to the living room where her laptop was. Switching it on, she sat down, her mind racing. She would need the help of the most connected person she knew. She wrote for a while and then sat back, rubbing her throbbing temple. There. Hopefully Akanksha would be able to help, even though it was a difficult time for her with everything going on, especially Lisa.
At the thought of Lisa, a blinding flash of pain went through her head, like a kn
ife. She winced. With the pain had come sudden clarity that cut through the shadows in her mind.
The view of the dead body seen through frightened, guilty eyes hadn’t been from the sky.
It had been from the terrace of the building.
Lisa had been up there.
22
Destiny-shestiny
‘Sahil! You have to tell me, what exactly was it you saw?’ The voice on the other end of the line slurred something inaudible.
Trish snapped impatiently, ‘What?’
‘I said,’ Sahil’s voice was thick with sleep and yet warm. ‘Most people say good morning when they phone someone at such an ungodly hour.’
Trish looked over at the clock and bit her lip. Only five-thirty? She had been unable to sleep for hours and had only been waiting for the sun to come up so that she could talk to him. ‘Sorry,’ she mumbled and then added, ‘So are you going to tell me?’
‘Trish, we talked about this.’ He yawned, sounding like he was indulging in a long slow stretch. ‘I’m not going to interfere. If this thing has to be a part of my life, it’s going to affect only me from now on.’
‘Why, Sahil?’ Trish said sharply. ‘And please don’t give me some bullshit about not interfering with destiny and all that jazz.’
‘Why not?’ he countered. ‘What if that’s what I believe? That whatever is meant to happen will happen and just because I have some weird mental disease, that …’
‘Will you stop calling it a disease? For all you know, it’s a gift and you’ve always just been bloody ungrateful about it, ’ Trish growled. She then said in a lower voice, ‘I had a … strange dream last night.’
‘Really?’ Sahil sounded interested. ‘Was I in it?’
‘No, idiot.’ Trish rolled her eyes even though Sahil couldn’t see her. ‘It was about Lisa. I had this strange idea that maybe she actually saw her grandpa fall.’ She bit her lip and then said in a rush, ‘Is that what you saw too?’
‘Trish.’ Sahil sounded warily amused. ‘Is this a ploy to get me to tell you? Some kind of twenty-questions game so that I end up giving you the information?’
‘Do I sound like I’m playing a game right now?’ Trish asked, her voice cold.
‘No,’ he admitted. ‘But it’s not just that.’
‘Not just what?’ Trish asked sharply.
But Sahil seemed to want to change the subject now and his voice came through, deliberately light and nonchalant. ‘So hey, are you suggesting that my disease is actually contagious? You’re becoming some kind of psychic too? Cool! Maybe I’ll go around spreading it to more people. I could become famous, like some kind of Baba.’
‘Will you stop babbling?’ Trish’s head was pounding now and she felt weak from the lack of sleep. For a while there, she had thought she might have figured it all out, but Sahil wasn’t helping her confirm anything. She pressed her hand against her temple and tried to think.
‘Look.’ Sahil’s voice became serious. ‘I really do think you should let this be. You’re going to drive yourself crazy like this. Lisa deserves all the help that she can get. But you’re not her mom.’
‘I’m her aunt. Well, kind of.’ Trish paused. ‘I care about her.’
‘I know you do, and that’s great.’ Sahil sounded earnest. ‘And I care about you. And you have to know where to draw the line. She’s not your responsibility, and she’s going through whatever she’s meant to go through; her fate is linked with that of her parents and it has nothing to do with you. So can’t you just let it go?’
Trish was silent as she thought about what he was saying. When she spoke, it was slowly and carefully. ‘You know what, Sahil? I’ve drawn boundaries my whole life. I’ve tried hard not to let anyone in, given everybody their space. And it didn’t get me anywhere.’ She exhaled, feeling more certain with every word that came out of her mouth. ‘I don’t regret interfering with your fate either. It brought you into my life, and that means … a lot to me.’ He said nothing but she knew he was listening intently. It was the first time she was actually admitting how she really felt about him. She went on. ‘So you’re wrong about this. I may be just Lisa’s fake-masi or whatever. But if your so-called fate has any plans for her, it had also better factor in an interfering aunt.’
There was silence at the other end. Then, Sahil said, very quietly, ‘Maybe you should go and talk to Akanksha and Lisa again.’
‘Hey.’ Akanksha gave Trish a surprised smile and then opened the door fully to let her in. ‘Come on in. What’s up?’
Trish walked in past her, into the large, luxurious living room. ‘How are you, Akku?’ She sat down on the white sofa and looked around. ‘Where’s Lisa?’
‘In her room.’ Akanksha sat down next to her. ‘She’s still really quiet. I thought she was better after that day with you guys, but she just clammed up again. We took her for her first counselling session yesterday. She didn’t say a word.’ Her face took on a haunted look as she said quietly, ‘I don’t think it’s going to work, Trish. So,’ she added with a note of false brightness. ‘I got your mail and put it up on Facebook, if that’s what you wanted to ask about. Don’t worry, I tagged all my socialite friends too.’
‘No,’ Trish interrupted. ‘I mean, thanks for that. But that’s not what I came to talk to you about right now.’ Akanksha looked at her expectantly. Trish bit her lip nervously and went on. ‘I had this weird feeling. About Lisa.’ Akanksha frowned in confusion at this, but Trish swallowed and continued valiantly. ‘Do you know exactly where she was when the fall happened?’
Akanksha nodded. ‘They found her in her room, the maids, after the neighbours rang. I wasn’t home, but they said she was just lying in bed. She and Dad had just returned from her guitar lessons a little while before it happened.’ Her eyes welled up suddenly. ‘It must have been such a shock for her to hear about him. I wish they hadn’t told her till I got back.’
Trish asked gently, ‘Do you think we can talk to her about it?’
Akanksha looked uncertain. ‘The counsellor said that we have to work on erasing the bad memories associated with the incident.’ She pursed her lips and then went on. ‘On the other hand, he also said that we first have to get her to open up about it since she still hasn’t expressed any feelings.’ She seemed to come to a decision. ‘Okay. Let’s do it. God knows I’ve tried, but maybe she’ll speak to you.’ She rose from her seat. ‘I’ll go and call her. I’m not sure if it’ll be better for me to be around, though.’
‘You hang around. Let’s see.’ Trish remembered what Sahil had said.
Akanksha nodded and went out of the room. Several minutes passed and when she came back with Lisa, the little girl looked lost and dazed. Trish thought she looked thinner than ever now.
‘Hi, Lisa,’ said Trish kindly. Lisa mumbled something that sounded like hello. ‘Come and sit with me?’ Trish patted the sofa next to her. Lisa uncertainly went over and sat beside her, drawing her knees up to her chest. ‘Lisa.’ Trish remembered the no-nonsense seven-year-old Lisa had been just a few weeks ago and decided to go straight to the point. ‘There’s something I wanted to talk to you about. Please listen, and feel free to say whatever you want to say, okay?’
Lisa nodded ever so slightly.
Taking a deep breath, Trish said, ‘The maids say that you were in your room when your nanu fell.’ Lisa’s face froze but she gave another tiny nod. Trish looked her right in the eye and spoke softly. ‘Leez. Were you up on the terrace any time that evening?’
No explicit reaction. But Trish saw the sudden fright and panic in her eyes.
She said quickly, ‘It’s perfectly okay, you don’t have to feel scared, Lisa, we’re just trying to understand.’
Suddenly, Lisa closed her eyes tight and two large tears rolled down her cheeks. Trish watched, too shocked to do anything as Lisa began to sob, rocking back and forth as if trying to comfort herself. Akanksha was by her side in an instant. Trish panicked and was about to withdraw when she saw the look that Akan
ksha was giving her. She was nodding in encouragement at Trish, even as she put her arms around Lisa. ‘There, there, sweetie, it’s okay, you can tell us.’ She nodded once again at Trish, this time with urgency.
Trish recovered enough to find her voice again. In a low, soothing tone, she said, ‘Lisa. You know your mom loves you, and so do I. You can trust us completely. You can tell us what happened.’
‘You won’t love me.’ Lisa’s voice came out muffled, her hands pressed tightly against her face, the tears overflowing anyway. ‘No one will love me ever again. It was my fault. My fault!’
‘Why do you say that, darling?’ Akanksha whispered, her face distraught. ‘Why?’
‘Because it was my idea!’ Lisa screamed. ‘Nanu was tired after picking me up from guitar class, but I said I wanted to go up on the terrace again. He even said to me it was getting too dark, but I said I wanted to see the lights from up there!’
‘What?’ Akanksha looked totally confused. ‘You were up there before too?’ She glanced over at Trish helplessly. Trish said nothing and just watched Lisa cry.
‘It was our secret. I made him promise not to tell you because I thought you would scold me for going up there.’ Lisa’s words came out in a rush, tears streaming down her face again. ‘And then, when we went up, I ran and hid behind the water tank for a really, really long time and didn’t come out. And he kept calling for me and I thought it was funny, so I kept quiet. He said, “Lisa, Lisa,” and then he sounded really worried and so I was about to come out but then he slipped near the edge and shouted “Lisa!” loudly and he fell because of me, Mom!’ Her voice ended up in an anguished wail. The sound was muffled when she buried her face into Akanksha’s shoulder. Trish closed her eyes, trying to keep her head from spinning.
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