‘She’s always upset with me. I don’t even know why this time. What did I say, anyway?’ She turned to Ba. ‘Did she say something to you?’
‘No,’ Ba said.
Trish gazed at him for a long moment. And finally decided to ask. ‘Ba.’ She hesitated. ‘Is there something you guys haven’t been telling me?’
The expression on Ba’s face lasted only a split second, but it was enough to confirm Trish’s suspicion. It was as if he’d been expecting this and had feared it. He grunted, ‘Why do you ask?’
‘Why do you answer with a question?’ Trish countered swiftly.
Ba didn’t reply, he just turned away to look out of the window. His eyes began to cloud over, but Trish was determined not to let him slip away this time.
She headed over to the other side of the bed, blocking his view of the window, and said, ‘Ba. There is something. And I think it’s time you stopped lying to me.’
‘We haven’t lied about anything,’ Ba barked the words out.
‘Okay.’ Trish sighed. She continued to look at his face. Ba averted his eyes again, this time staring at the far wall. Trish took hold of his hand and squeezed gently. ‘Ba,’ she said quietly. ‘Please.’
Ba glowered stonily at the wall for a long time. She noticed his jaw was working and he seemed to be going through a major internal struggle. He then took a deep shuddering breath and said, ‘You’ll blame me. She has, always, always.’ He turned towards Trish and she was shocked to see the pain in his eyes. He gripped her hand tightly now with both his hands. ‘It was my idea,’ he said, with the air of a man getting something heavy off his chest. ‘I wanted to protect you. I didn’t think you had to know.’
‘Know what?’ Trish asked, suddenly afraid, and getting the strong feeling she didn’t want to hear this. ‘Ba, listen, you don’t have to do this if you’re going to …’
But Ba was just shaking his head from side to side, the words tumbling out, and he didn’t seem to hear her. ‘You were so small, so tiny, so helpless. I was afraid something might happen to you too. I made her promise. And by the time you grew up, I really thought it was better for all of us to just forget. But we didn’t forget. Even with this wretched old-timer’s disease.’ His face was screwed up in anguish. ‘I can’t forget. It’s all I think about.’
‘Ba, you’re not making sense.’ Trish was half convinced that he was losing it all over again. But something told her that this outburst was different from his previous spells.
His voice dropped low. ‘She never forgave me for it. It ruined everything, everything. And now you’ll never forgive me either.’ He looked up at her with reddened eyes. ‘But no matter what happens, Trishna, you’ve been everything to us, always. A daughter, a son, everything. No one could have taken better care of us in our old age.’
‘That’s not true, Ba,’ Trish said, thinking about how she spoke to Ma at times. ‘But what does this have to do with Ma being upset?’
And then, the sudden realization struck her. Ba had said it too. And she remembered Ma’s face when she had thrown those words at her, about wishing she’d had a son instead of Trish.
‘A brother?’ Trish whispered, unable to believe what she already knew to be true.
Ba’s eyes were closed, screwed tightly together. He nodded slowly and then looked up at her. ‘You wouldn’t remember him.’ His grey eyes were sorrowful and then his face crumpled. ‘He died before he turned two. Before you turned two.’ He drew a deep, shuddering breath and then added, barely audible, ‘Twins.’
24
Sunset
Trish felt numb. At one level, she was aware that she was in shock. It had only been a few minutes, but time seemed to be moving in slow motion. Ba was still speaking, alternating between explaining the circumstances to her, justifying his viewpoint and profusely apologizing. She could barely understand what he was saying any more.
All her life, almost three decades, they had kept it from her. Her parents had decided – or rather, Ba had decided – that it was irrelevant for her to know. After all, he had rationalized as part of his explanations, it would be impossible for her to miss something that she never knew she’d had.
Except that he was just so wrong about that. There had always been something missing. She’d just never known what it was, or rather who. And so she’d been dismissive about it; even defensive when it came to what Sahil had been telling her. She remembered clearly how he had tried to describe the feeling of loss that he sensed with her. He had been firm on this even though he hadn’t been able to pinpoint it down to anything specific. How could he possibly have? Even for her, she realized only now, it had always remained just a vague feeling of incompleteness. And it was a feeling she had accepted long ago without realizing what kind of an impact it would have on everything.
That feeling of not being good enough, of never being enough for her parents – or anyone. The inexplicable sense of guilt that she had always carried around inside. Strangely intensified around her birthday, always a depressing time for her, and one that she hated even the slightest fuss about. Was it possible for her to have actually known at a subconscious level? These weren’t things that Trish had ever believed in. Hers had always been such a practical approach towards life. But then, she also knew without a doubt that she now believed in Sahil’s strange extrasensory perception. She was being forced to reevaluate almost everything about the way she looked at life.
A brother. Not just a brother. A twin. They had shared a womb together. Nine months plus almost two years in the outside world, probably always at close quarters. Through the rest of Ba’s ramblings, she had deciphered that they had shared the same crib. What had happened? Ba was almost completely incoherent about this, but she gathered it was a bout of pneumonia that both of them had contracted. It had been serious, but then Trish had made a sudden recovery, while her brother had not. How had that happened? Trish had once watched a documentary about twin foetuses, where one tended to consume more of the mother’s bodily resources at the cost of the other. It had strangely fascinated her at the time. Oh god. Had she been born stronger than him for that reason?
Her head was spinning with all sorts of thoughts now. Her stubborn determination to always prove she didn’t need anyone; her tendency to push people away. Did all of it stem from this kind of beginning, even though she had never been in a position to understand what had happened? For so many years, she’d had all that excess weight, she knew that a part of her always felt protected by the extra layer of fat, and served to deepen the feeling of guilt and worthlessness and alienation. And what about the discomfort she felt when she was in a lift or any enclosed space with anyone else? Was this why? She closed her eyes. It was all too much to take at one go.
She dully realized that Ba was still weeping. She squeezed his hand automatically. ‘Shhh, Ba, it’s okay, you’ve told me now. Don’t. It’s going to be all right.’ She didn’t quite know what she was saying, but she knew she didn’t feel angry at Ba. She was still too shocked to feel anything. Even in her numb confusion now, she was aware that it wasn’t good for Ba to be so emotionally wrought. She shook herself a little to try and snap out of it, and noted that it was time for his medicine.
‘Here, Ba. Take these.’ She handed him his pills, along with a glass of water. He swallowed the medicine and then lay back on his bed, staring at her with watery grey frightened eyes.
‘Trishna,’ he said softly. ‘Are you angry?’
‘No, Ba. I’m think I’m just disappointed.’ She sighed. ‘I’m trying to understand where you were coming from. It’s just that I really would rather have known. I didn’t need that kind of protection. It didn’t help.’
She couldn’t put it any better than that, but the look of understanding on Ba’s face as he nodded made it clear that she didn’t need to. ‘I’m sorry. Your mother was right all along. She wanted to tell you, but I stopped her. It put up walls between all of us.’ He shook his head and said, ‘She deserved better. She went t
hrough so much.’
Ma. Trish realized with a start. What she had been through. The loss of a child. Trish could only imagine what it would have meant to lose a baby. A devastating illness and the survival of one child only. What kind of bittersweet victory would that have been for a bereaved mother? The initial relief that at least one of them had made it, but the everlasting awareness that it was meant to have been two children?
And then, to not be allowed to talk about it, to express her grief, to always have to keep it a secret from her own offspring. Trish suddenly let out a bitter laugh. No wonder they had always kept a ‘healthy’ distance from all their relatives. She barely knew which of them existed and where they lived. It had been necessary to maintain the secret.
Ba shut his eyes tight as if he could read her mind and she instinctively knew that this had been his idea too. She saw it all now. After all, what if some relative in the know had actually given it away to Trish at some point? So much had been sacrificed. All in the name of ‘protection’.
Ba didn’t open his eyes. She waited till she was sure that he was asleep. He fidgeted for a while, but then drifted off. He seemed to be more at peace now. She quietly extracted her hand from his, stood up and switched off the light before she went out of the room.
‘Ma.’
It was only one word, but said more tenderly than ever before. Ma had her back to her as she sat in the living room, writing something on a piece of paper. Her thin shoulders stiffened at the sound of Trish’s voice. She said nothing, but half turned, and Trish saw tears glistening in her eyes.
Trish knew she had heard. The walls weren’t thick enough in this tiny house to keep out the softest conversation. It was impossible to keep a secret here. Although Ma and Ba had managed for the longest time.
Ma was speaking in a voice so low that Trish might not have heard her the first time, were it not for the fact that she was holding her own breath. ‘Did your father tell you his name?’
‘No,’ breathed Trish. She realized she hadn’t even thought to ask.
Ma turned around fully to face Trish. ‘Would you like to know?’
It took only a moment for Trish to decide. ‘No.’ She could read the confusion on her mother’s face, and went on. ‘Not yet, I mean.’ Trish paused. ‘When you’re ready to tell me everything else about him too.’
Ma’s face crumpled and she reached up to cover her face with her hands. Without another word, Trish went over to her mother and put her arms around her. Ma’s shoulders were shaking silently as she wept. Trish held her until Ma finally reached up to her tentatively and returned the embrace, somewhat awkwardly.
A single tear ran down Trish’s left cheek. She didn’t bother to reach up and wipe it. She knew it wouldn’t be easy for her to forgive either of her parents for what they had done, but at least a part of her was able to understand how difficult it had been for them. It wasn’t going to be easy for them to get past this, but she knew with certainty that they were all in it together, and the silence was broken. Her mother tightened her grip around her and Trish realized, awkward or not, it was their first true embrace ever.
‘You’re still really irritating,’ Trish informed Sahil.
They both sat on Bandstand, staring out together at the orange glow of the setting sun over the water. Sahil had bought two bhuttas and they were both savouring the taste of the corn with its spicy masala and nimbu. He finished swallowing another bite. ‘Mmm. I know.’
She had told him everything. He had listened quietly to the whole story without interruption. There had been no judgement, no comment. Just listening with empathy. She loved that about him, she realized. Amongst other things.
She went back to staring at the waves, and he ventured, ‘So why exactly am I so irritating this time?’
‘I don’t know,’ Trish sighed. ‘I’m just used to saying that, I guess. Sure you’re not going to be telling me stuff you see any more?’
‘You know what, Trish?’ Sahil said thoughtfully. ‘The more time I spend with you, the fewer visions I’ve been getting. Or maybe it’s just that I’m feeling more sorted. Whatever it is. It seems to be going away, and I prefer it that way. See? You’re my doctor and you’re curing me without even knowing it.’
‘Hah.’ Trish laughed. ‘Well, maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s better not to know stuff. Maybe you just find out what you’re supposed to when you’re supposed to.’
‘Wow.’ He put his arm around her. ‘My darling Trish’s getting philosophical. So not like her.’
‘Careful, mister. Ba might be watching us right now.’ But she didn’t shake his arm off. It felt nice.
‘So now that your family secret’s all out,’ Sahil continued teasingly, ‘I might even tell Mom about mine some day soon. Who knows? Except that first, there’ll hopefully be more important news to give her.’ He gave Trish’s shoulder a warm squeeze, turning to look closely into her face. ‘That’s right, that’s your cue to become Miss Tomato Face. Oh, excellent. Delicate pink. Very kissable shade.’
Sure enough, Trish felt the colour rising in her cheeks, but this time she held his gaze challengingly. He leaned in to move his face closer to hers. She spoke up, exactly then. ‘Sahil. Can I ask you a question?’
He gave a mock sigh and rolled his eyes heavenward. ‘Okayyy. What?’
She nestled against his shoulder and said, ‘Are we going to live happily ever after?’
She could sense he felt the same thing that that she did. Quiet contentment with the beauty of the sun setting over the waves in front of them. Peace. An overwhelming sense of gratitude for somehow having found each other.
‘Honestly, Trish. I don’t know.’ He moved his mouth closer to her ear. ‘But I’m willing to wait and find out.’
Good, she thought, smiling to herself. So was she.
Unmindful of who might be watching now, she raised her face to his.
Epilogue
From: adsuri
To: trish.saxena
Subject: I saw it!
Dear Trish,
Just a note to let you know I saw your letter addressed to me on Facebook. All over Facebook, actually, and everywhere else. I really valued your response. I’m still around, and I intend to stay that way for as long as I can. You’ll be happy to know I’ve broken off the engagement and I’m going to be telling my parents why this weekend. If they get it, great. If not, I’ll figure things out anyway.
You’re a wonderful person and I hope you know what a difference you’ve made to me. I owe you everything. Wish me luck.
Not so hopeless any more,
Akash Dev Suri
p.s. I know you said you’re not a trained psychologist, but have you got any experience in the area of family skeletons? Maybe I could buy you a drink some time to talk?
p.p.s. Actually, hey, you think getting my parents really drunk first is a good idea?
About the Author
Yashodhara Lal is a marketing professional and the mother of three children, apart from being a bestselling author. She graduated from IIM Bangalore in 2002 and manages to balance her professional life with her various interests, including fitness, writing and music. She lives in Gurgaon with her rather tolerant husband Vijay and their kids nicknamed Peanut, Pickle and Papad, all of whom never fail to provide her with material for her entertaining blog at yashodharalal.com. Her first book, Just Married, Please Excuse is a hilarious account of marriage. Her second novel, Sorting Out Sid is the story of a man having an early midlife crisis and, consequently, a divorce. There’s Something About You is Yashodhara’s third book.
Acknowledgements
My heartfelt thanks go out to:
My wonderful family, for putting up with cantankerous me, as I attempted to find snatches of time to write and edit this book.
The city of Mumbai, where I lived for only a year, but which has left a lasting enough impression on me to set a whole story there.
And to the team at HarperCollins, especially:
Karthika V.K. and Manasi Subramaniam, for helping craft this book into its final form. They added significant value in the process, arguing relentlessly with good intentions about what to name the book and the main character.
Sameer and Amrita from sales and marketing respectively, for all their tremendous support and good-humoured jabs
at me.
A final special mention for my bright-eyed little eight-year-old, Anoushka, who has already finished reading my first book, Just Married, Please Excuse, and now fully intends to have her own book(s) published some day. She’s clearly inspired by me, but if only she knew how much I’m inspired by her. Every single day.
Just Married, Please Excuse
Yashodhara, a quick-tempered gal from the big city, is hitched to Vijay, a laidback desi boy from a small town. In one word: Trouble! The young couple must learn to adjust to married life and to each other, whether it is Yashodhara’s ‘tamper tentrums’ or Vijay’s foot-in-mouth syndrome. With the unexpected arrival of baby Anoushka a.k.a. Peanut, the battles escalate, fuelled by their vastly divergent views on raising a child. Will their many differences – so endearing at the start of their romance – actually turn out to mean that they are just incompatible?
A fresh and honest take on marriage, parenthood and all the chaos that comes with them, this is a story of self-discovery that will have you laughing out loud … and sympathizing wholeheartedly with its quirky and likeable cast of characters.
Sorting Out Sid
Meet Sid, a master at the art of denial, in this hilarious, insightful tale of modern-day living and relationships. Siddharth Agarwal a.k.a. Sid has it all: a fifteen-year-long marriage, devoted friends and the chance to be the company’s youngest ever VP – all at the age of thirty-six. But behind the scenes, his life is slowly falling apart, what with his marriage on the rocks, parents who treat him like a delinquent child, and overly-interfering, backstabbing friends. And that’s not even counting the manipulative HR vixen and the obnoxious boss he must tackle in office. So, when lovely, spunky single mom Neha materializes in his life, she brings into it a ray of hope. But will she cause the brewing storm to finally erupt?
There's Something About You Page 22
