"Have you talked to him?" Andy asked when I finally managed to calm down a bit.
"It's too late, Andy," I said dejectedly as I wiped at my eyes with the napkins he gave me from his glove compartment.
"You don't know that," he said reasonably.
I blurted out a bitter laugh. He was always so damn positive, and my pessimistic mind couldn't comprehend it. Andy pursed his lips and glanced over at me with a serious expression.
"If you love each other, it's never too late," he said vehemently, his blue eyes bright and fierce. I sighed. My brother really was a hopeless deluded romantic. He couldn't see the truth. How could he? He already had the love of his life, and he hadn't fucked it up like I did. I felt like a worthless fool.
"Then it really is too late, because he doesn't love me anymore, Andy," I said as I fought another sob. I saw Ford's face in my mind again, the raw pain and anger followed by disgust as he walked away. I shuddered with heartache.
"No," he said forcefully. "Love just doesn't go away, Jenny. You can't flip a switch and just turn it off. And this wasn't your fault. Tori did this to you."
"But I'm the fool who trusted her," I bit out scornfully at myself. "I'm the bitch who broke the heart of the only man who ever loved me." I lost myself to my grief again as long painful sobs tore through me like jagged claws. "And now I'm all alone." I covered my face with my hands in shame.
"Jenny," Andy whispered my name consolingly. I felt his hands touch mine and pull them down to my lap.
I looked up and saw through my tears that we were parked in front of my apartment now.
"You're not all alone," Andy said softly. I met my brother's worried eyes as he gripped my hands in his. "You still have Mom, and Dad, and me." He squeezed my hands tighter. "And if you just talked to Ford and explained what happened, then I bet you'd have him again too."
"It doesn't matter now, Andy," I sobbed out in defeat. "He doesn't want me anymore. Who would want me after what I did?"
"But Jenny-"
"You need to get back to work." I interrupted him more harshly than I intended, but talking about this was just hurting me. There was no hope, and what was the point in beating it to death. I pulled my hands from my brothers, took off my seat belt, and got out of the car as I tried to ignore the deeply troubled look on his face.
"Do you want me to come in and stay for a while?" Andy asked gently with a hopeful expression.
I sighed heavily. "No," I told him sharply, then twinged with guilt as hurt and disappointment filled his eyes. Great, now I'd hurt my own brother. I didn't know how much more of this emotional nightmare I could deal with. "I...I just want to be alone. I'm sorry."
I shut the car door before he could say anything else, and fled to my apartment door without looking at him again. Somehow I held myself together just long enough to get inside the door, then collapsed to the floor weeping as the weight of my anguish finally became too much to bear.
Chapter 3
Ford
I was unsure of what I was walking into as I stepped out of the hall reluctantly. I stopped next to Liz, who was sitting at the reception desk to my right. I met her eyes, and she glanced toward the small waiting area to my left. I followed her gaze to find Andy sitting in one of the twin black leather couches, paging through a portfolio. He looked up and met my eyes with a tense yet unreadable expression, but at least he didn't look angry. I guess that was a good sign.
"Andy," I said tersely, my voice coming out harsher than I intended, but he reminded me of Jen. The anger and pain hit me at the thought of her. I clenched my jaw to rein it in as Andy rose and approached me cautiously.
"Can we talk, Ford?" he asked in a serious tone.
I pursed my lips for a moment. I was half tempted to say no and go back to my office, but I had a suspicion that Andy wasn't the kind of guy who gave up easily. I could try to delude myself that I didn't give a shit what he wanted, but if Jen told him those lies about me, then I needed to set him straight so he'd leave me be. Seeing him though, and those eyes that looked so much like his sister's, pained me. My anger spiked again at my weakness, but I pushed it down.
"Let's go to my office," I forced out before I told him to get the fuck out of my shop. I turned and walked back toward my office without waiting for him, not having it in me even to attempt to be polite. By the time I rounded my desk and lowered myself into my desk chair, Andy was crossing the threshold of the doorway and pulling the door closed behind him.
I watched wordlessly as he sat in the chair in front of my desk, eying me warily. I was so angry that I didn't dare to speak yet, and I'm sure he could tell. It wasn't directed at Andy, but I didn't trust myself not to take it out on him at this point. I sat and waited for him to tell me why he was here. See? I could still practice a modicum of patience.
"My...my sister told me what happened with you guys," Andy began hesitantly. I bet she did. I ground my teeth together and clenched my fists under the desk.
"The truth, or her version of it," I snapped out in reply, seething and hurting inside.
"I know about Tori's lies," Andy answered as anger flashed in his eyes. "That bitch is one nasty piece of work."
I wouldn't argue that point, but I didn't mention that I thought his sister was cut from the same cloth. That certainly wouldn't help right now.
Andy eyed me closely. "I know you must think my sister is a bitch too, but she's not like that." Holy hell, it was like he was reading my damn mind.
"Yeah, right," I said sarcastically. "I can't help but think that your opinion is biased." I think I was unconsciously trying to get a rise out of him. It was stupid, but I didn't care.
"My sister is a lot of things, but she's nothing like Tori." Andy's eyes narrowed in annoyance, but he didn't rise to the bait.
I gave him a dubious expression. That was easy for him to say. He didn't have her rip his heart out and hand it back to him on a goddamn platter.
"Jenny reacts to things without thinking, lashing out when she's angry or hurt. She says things that she doesn't mean, and sometimes they're hurtful. That doesn't make her a bitch, it just means that she's more fragile than she seems. She doesn't know how to cope when she's upset or hurting, and takes it out on the people around her. I've learned not to take it personally."
I sat in stunned silence in reaction to Andy's words, because it was like he was describing me from ten years ago. If that was true, then maybe I was wrong about Jen, and how she felt about me. An ache began inside me at the very thought of Jen being in any kind of pain, and it began cracking the wall I'd put up around my heart. I sucked in a breath and tried to push the feelings away.
"She...she's a complete wreck, Ford," Andy continued with a sad expression. "I had to take her home from work this morning because she couldn't stop crying. I've never seen her like this, and I'm really worried about her. I can see the guilt and the shame eating away at her over what she did to you, and she's shutting everyone out, me included. She needs help, but she won't let me give it to her."
"So you came to me," I whispered as an inkling of hope began to rise up inside me. I was afraid it was just going to make me feel worse if I was wrong, but I couldn't deny it.
He nodded. "She thinks that you don't love her anymore, but I don't believe that for a second. And whether she told you or not, I'm pretty sure that she loves you, or she wouldn't be so torn up over this."
I closed my eyes and pressed my lips together. I was torn now between wanting to run to the woman I loved, and the dark petty part of me that thought she was getting what she deserved for ripping me apart. I was still so hurt and angry over what she did and said to me, but if she was this messed up over it, maybe she really didn't mean it. Maybe it was just a mistake, but I was afraid if I let her close to my heart one more time, that she'd rip it to shreds again. Holy hell, I didn't know what to do.
"Jenny is a good person, Ford," Andy finally said after several long moments. "I think you know that. She's been unhappy for a very long t
ime, and having a selfish back-stabbing friend like Tori only made it worse, but with you, she was finally happy. You made her better. You built her up. No one has ever been able to do that before. She never even let anyone else in to try. Only you. That means something, doesn't it? You can't just throw that all away without a fight because she believed someone she trusted and made a mistake. If you'd just talk to her, I bet you could work it out. Isn't it worth a try?"
Was it? I couldn't answer that right now. I needed to think, to decide if it was worth the risk to give it another try. After a moment, I managed to speak. "I'll...I'll think about it," I told him quietly, my mind whirling in confusion.
Andy merely nodded and stood, giving me a tight smile before walking out without a word, leaving me to figure this out for myself. That was easier said than done.
I closed my eyes and pictured that night in my head, replaying the whole thing and trying to look at it with an objective eye. Her reaction to me was understandable, given what Tori told her. Why wouldn't she believe her best friend over a guy she'd only known for a few weeks? Given her past with that Carter asshole, who could blame her for lashing out at me too. As I envisioned her face from that night, the pain she was feeling was all too obvious to me now. Hell, after she figured out her mistake, she tried to apologize to me, but I was so hurt and angry that I couldn't accept it at the time. I just walked away without a backward glance. Maybe that was a mistake as well.
As for her comment about me being a sick fuck, I didn't know if that was a mistake too. She'd never acted bothered or ashamed by me in any way before that night. Was I so messed up and angry over my father's reaction three years ago that I overreacted and assumed that she felt the same? Hell, if that was true, then I was as much to blame for this mess as she was. That meant there was only one thing to do, but I was afraid of being hurt again. The very thought of trying to work this out felt like an unimaginable risk to my already broken heart.
Nick was right though when he said this was a test of my strength, because I was going to need all of it to get through this. He was also right when he said that I wasn't one to give up or run away to avoid hardship or pain. Part of me wondered if this was what he meant all along, for me to fight for this love, not to get over it. Knowing Nick, that was probably the case.
I closed my eyes and visualized my back tattoo, seeing clearly the hard purposeful face of the samurai, his hands gripping the tiger as he fought it to the ground. That was the strength and conviction that I needed now. I let them coalesce into a sudden flood of determination. I nurtured it, letting it fill me up and give me purpose. It was time to stand and fight, regardless of the outcome. After all, I had nothing left to lose, but so much more to gain.
**********
My determination faltered as I pulled my old truck to a stop in front of Jen's apartment. I sat there staring at her front door and running a hand through my hair, wondering if this was a bad idea. The pain I'd felt at her harsh words Friday night was still so raw, and I feared she might do that to me again. I told myself as I walked away from her that I'd never let that happen again, yet here I was begging for it. Shit. A sudden urge to leave hit me.
I pushed that urge away, since Andy told me that Jenny was a wreck and couldn't stop crying today. The very idea of her hurting, made me hurt for her. It made me long to hold her close and soothe her, and to take her pain away. I still loved her, and if there was a chance of getting back to how things were, didn't I owe that to myself and to her? The answer was simple and easy, so I climbed out of the truck and walked up to Jen's door. I paused for a fortifying breath, pushed my hair back off my face, then pressed the doorbell firmly, faking a will that I wasn't sure was up to this.
The wait felt interminable as I stood there wondering if this had disaster written all over it. I worried that her face would bear that look of disgust again. Hell, what if she didn't even answer the door? Panic filled me at that thought, since I could see her doing just that. Fuck this. I started pounding on the door. I'd keep this up until she came to the damn door, and I wasn't leaving until we tried to fix this.
Then, just before I started beating even harder on the door, I heard the click of the lock turning, and I sagged with relief. It was short lived though, because when the door opened I was met with a sight that sucked the air right out of me. Jenny looked awful, with pain etched across her features, and deep dark circles under her tear-stained eyes. She looked haunted and strung out, and it made my chest clench tight with worry.
Her eyes widened in utter disbelief when she saw me, then a harsh violent sob burst out of her as tears began pouring down her face. She started collapsing to her knees, and I rushed forward to catch her before she hit the floor. I scooped her up into my arms and held her against my chest, her vanilla musk hitting me like a blow as I laid my cheek on her head. Holy hell, I'd missed her so much. My body shuddered in reaction as I hugged her tighter to me.
"I'm s...sorry!" she wailed out, her voice ragged and anguished as her hands clutched desperately at me. She kept repeating her apology over and over again as I carried her up the steps into her living room. The place was a mess, just like mine. She was a mess, just like me. What have we done to each other? Any lingering anger I had left toward her just evaporated.
"Jen, it's okay. I'm here," I whispered as I lowered us onto her couch. She curled in even closer to me, sobbing and practically hyperventilating in my lap. "Shh, honey. I've got you."
"I...I didn't mean it." Her voice quavered, her body shaking violently. "You're n...nothing like him. I'm s...so s...sorry." More sobs wracked her tiny body, and I felt tears sting my eyes now. For once in my life, I didn't fight them.
"I know, honey. I know." I felt the tears start to trail down through my beard. I closed my eyes and laid my cheek against hers. I felt her hand press against my other cheek and a bone deep shudder ran through me. This was where she belonged. This was where I belonged.
We sat like that for a long time, Jen sobbing loudly, and me weeping in silence as I held her close. My heart ached for how we'd hurt ourselves and each other, all because of other people's lies and our own assumptions. I knew I had to lay it all out, so we could lay it to rest here and now.
"I...I thought..." I whispered hoarsely, my voice low and emotional. "I thought you were ashamed of me, d...disgusted by me."
"What?!" she blurted out in disbelief. "Why?!"
"When you called me a...a sick fuck," I forced out painfully. "I thought you were just...just like my father."
She sucked in a harsh breath and lifted her head. I opened my eyes to see heart-wrenching horror on her face. "Oh God...oh fuck...I swear...I didn't...I don't..."
"I know," I said soothingly as I laid my hand over hers where it was still cradling my cheek. "I made assumptions I shouldn't have. I'm sorry I walked away when I should have stayed and talked to you."
"And...and I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you before believing all those lies that Tori told me." Her voice was thick with pain and regret. "And I'm sorry I danced all over that guy. I'm so sorry. I don't want anyone else but you."
"I know." I pressed my forehead to hers. "I'll forgive you, if you forgive me," I whispered softly. "Because I can't be without you. I need you. I love you, Jen."
Her eyes lit up into a brilliant blue fire as they locked on mine, some of the anguish slipping away from her face at my words. "I...I..." she stuttered out and took a deep shuddering breath. "I...I love you, Ford."
Holy fucking hell, those words were everything to me, because I knew how hard they were for her to say. They held so much power and weight, and they poured into me in a flood of joy that surged up inside me. It felt warm, and safe, and comforting. My world righted itself and fell into place again. How did I ever think for one second that I could get over this woman or survive without her? Why would I ever want to?
I slid my hands up into the dark silk of her hair, the soft strands sliding easily through my fingers. I stared at her face, taking in her gorgeou
s sapphire eyes and her sweet full lips as she smiled at me. Desire woke inside me, sweeping through me in a heady and overwhelming rush of equal parts love and lust. Holy hell, I wanted her, needed her, right fucking now.
The kiss I gave her was savage as my hands clenched in her hair and held her still. She immediately parted her lips, letting me in and meeting my passion with her own as her hands wrapped around the back of my neck. We fed like animals on each other, the force bruising and brutal. Our teeth clacked together and I knew I tasted blood, but I didn't care. The sweet fire that burned through us was like nothing that I'd ever felt before, and I certainly had no intention of quenching it before it finished scorching through us.
"Ford," she moaned against my mouth as we paused to catch our breath, both of us panting heavily.
I grabbed her and turned her body so that she was straddling my lap. I couldn't speak as I began tearing at her clothes, my body shaking in all consuming need. I heard the fabric of her tank top tear loudly as I rent it from her body, ripping it apart with my bare hands. Jen grabbed handfuls of my T-shirt and yanked it up my chest, and I paused to let her pull it off of me. She wasn't wearing a bra, and we both gasped as our skin touched, the fire blazing even higher between us. Holy hell, her breasts pressing against me felt like heaven, her skin so warm and soft against my hard chest.
I grabbed the sides of her face and crushed my mouth against hers for another ravenous kiss. Jenny moaned into my mouth, her hips undulating against me. I growled as my hips unconsciously thrust upwards, grinding my cock up into her. I was so fucking hard now, so fucking turned on, that I couldn't even think past it. Nothing else mattered now but getting myself inside her.
My hands flew down to her waist, my fingers clenching the thin cotton fabric of her pajama shorts. I tore them apart, the tearing sound unbelievably satisfying, and making Jen mewl and writhe in my lap. Fuck. I grabbed her thong and tore that off of her too. Jen started fumbling with my fly, her body thrumming with arousal as soft whimpers of need fell from her lips. It drove me insane.
An Act of Release: Order & Chaos Book 2 Page 5
