Considering the result the untested truth, spun by different interests, continue to churn and accumulate to the end box of family intention and correctness and value of the cost. everyone withdraws into their own small gated community afraid of a large forum. They stay inside their little pawns, licking whatever truth sweeps them into gold in cesspool of society at the large. No one is invalidated, but nobody is right. Not even natural selection can take place here.
That evening, my step-mother came back home and we were all sitting by the table and eating the dinner. I was looking weird at my father. I thought I was qualified to decide what necessary or not. She couldn’t have overlooked the fact that I would be involved into this fatal affair perverted situation of what is going on! Sometimes, just look at the strange juxtaposition of morality around you, the rights of criminals are given more respect that the privacy of their victims. Although there are people suffering in poverty, huge donations are made to protect endangered species, and so, what about this malicious hawk who sitting whole tight next to my step-mother?! Who else could make through to see this garbage who floating in his perverted sex money life? Everyone grows up being told the same thing just beat out the competition.
But it is obvious from the start that only a few can succeed. All rhetoric to avoid conflict and protect each other from hurt. What we propose to do is not to control content, but to create context. Avoiding the truth the under the guise of kindness is all that I did, it occurred to me to do nothing but look out for myself.
Even what I was trying to claim that it was for her (step-mother) sake that her feelings were nowhere to be seen, in the end everything was for my sake I was never part of picture.
So, you see, we are the protect representatives of the massive we need to protect. I could accept that fiction that we’ve provided; obey our orders to the family, no mutual gain, and who else they would toss an analyst into the mix at the last minute. I personally reinvented myself to suit my tastes, my hair style, clothes, the way I move, things I talked about. There is not a whole lot of different between that I was given to understand.
Then my father with a very soft and sweet voice said to her: “So, how is going with your mother? Is she getting better?” he smiled and said. “Well, she is much better and I believe she has an operation to go. I hope everything going to be fine (Her eyes filled with tears)”.
She turned her face to me while my father had her in his arms and comforting her with that funny, frowzy and fake compassion. What a deception? Perhaps for his own protection! That’s all he is to it. Are we really a non-profit organization of civilians, advocating a cause, or do we have Responsibility to keep track of the mistakes by anyone who made them as a species and the end of it to fight for a change.
What kind of grisly game he’s playing in this family? I look back on what he has done in his life so far. My father is a well-to-do lawyer. A part from the fact that, his selfish and ignorant career suffers from deep in his heart. My step-mother took a deep glance over me, when she saw I put my head into my hands. I could see her face through my fingers. I am aware to say that; sometimes people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them, either because they don’t want to hurt other member of family. She was kind of worry and then she pushed my father off of her and with a very skeptical way came towards me. She was pulling in all the favors she could to look into all this. My father was still without a doubt tried to pull her hands, but it looked there wasn’t much interest of her in any case. She took me hard in her arms and with a very smooth voice said: “Have you still stomachache? You needed to be off of school today. That’s why I preferred you should be at home and relax. I tried to call you. Why you didn’t answer the phone?
Well, I could understand, probably you were sleeping”. My father had a suspicious look at me. Oh, boy. Somebody say a prayer for me. I couldn’t quiet put it that way. I am held up in the middle of nowhere in here. I thought for a second, he would commence his attack any minute. I felt, with that look, the world has ended to me, not with a bang, but a whimper. I wouldn’t let myself be overwhelmed by the fear. This one is in a spot so narrow I have to crawl out to get out at it. Who wants to stop and to stimulate the evolution of the species?
Who could wade through the sea of garbage we produce and retrieve valuable truths and interpret our meaning for later generations? I would to decide for myself what I believe and what to pass on. That was the proof of my incompetence, right here. I lack the qualifications to my decision free will. We live by the word of “self”.
That even which you call “self”, serves as nothing more than a mask to cover our own being. Is this era of ready-made “truths”? “Self” is just something used to preserves those positive emotions that we occasionally feel. Another possibility is that “self” is concept us conveniently borrowed under the logic that it would endow us with some sense of strength. Ironic that although, “self” is something that we ourselves fashioned, every time something goes wrong, we turn around and place the blame on something else.
I felt lost and I should try a bit of soul-searching. He could rip my ass if I would mention any of his perversely on this morning to my step-mother.
I knew he had the real thing up his sleeve to those years live of lied and faking so. However, he jumped and interrupted in one way to get some motional respect from my step-mother, with a very nice voice said to me: “Jennifer. Why you didn’t tell me that you had a stomachache? I have a good friend who is special doctor. Go and put some clothes on.
I will take you to him. He can give you some good medicine for your stomachache. God dammed, somebody could said something to me at least. She is my daughter for god’s sake. Now, hurry up. Go and put some clothes on”. What kind of lousy game he is trying to play with me now! I can imagine he is probably looking for anything to hurt me. It is impossible to see him so kind and confident to be trusted either. He is pulling in all the favors. There are times when it seems like you’re not really looking the way too easy to be dead, could be a car crashed, a suicide murdering or who knows what else should happening to me after all!
I was whispering with myself to walk to my room. He took his car keys and standing by the door and talks to his cellular phone. Sandra (my step-mother) is cleaning up the dishes and me, so keen, looking for some clothes in my closet. Well, as they said: let us see which way the cat jumps! I was scared, panic and nervous. I changed my clothes and then I ran towards Sandra and hided myself in her warm and cozy arms.
She is the only person that I can really depend on as a mother. She is one hack of a woman, so cool, so confident to be trusted. My father was outside of the door, and I tried to talk so slow kind of whispering: “Mom, (she just with a joyful reaction dragged me hard into her breasts. She never had any kid and that was the first time she heard the word), Can I have your mobile with me? I don’t remember where I left mine.
I promise I’ll keep it safe till I get back home, if,” Suddenly she put her hands around my shoulders and started to stare into my eyes, and then while she was shaking my shoulders with a motherly voice said: “What is it? What is going on? Are you trying to hide something from me? Your voice sound weird. Why you are whispering? Look at your face; it’s all paled just like a mouse sees a cat. What do you mean, if? He just wants to get you to the doctor, is it because probably you are afraid of needles? Don’t be so worry about it. I am sure the doctor will just give you some medicine for your stomachache and then you come back home”.
Then she turned her face to my father and with a sound of begging saying: “Make sure the doctor doesn’t give her any shots, just medicine. You got it?” While my father was just about to leave the house with a sarcastic voice said: “I got you. No shot. He gives her only the medicine, ha-ha-ha”. He opened the car-door and looking at me kind of a prey. I turned my face to Sandra. She was waving her hands and smiling at me. With a nervous voice I said to her: “Hey mom, wish me luck”. Poo
r Sandra, she doesn’t know what I’m really afraid of! She got a cute smile on her lips and with a lovely voice said: “Don’t worry honey. I’ll see you soon. Good luck”.
I was keeping my mind focused on protecting me against his will. It looks like there’s much danger of him in any case. My chances with him after all are close to nothing. Don’t forget he is a lawyer, sometimes I believe; he is a close man about his own affairs. He can devastate a family relation by blowing the whole things up. It was like being in a nightmare I can’t wake up from. While he was putting his seat-belt on, with an exciting voice saying to me: “Ok. Let me get you to my friend. He is a (with a funny voice) specialist doctor”. I didn’t have any choice just grin and bear it. He put the key in the ignition and started the car, glanced his eyes over Sandra and very quick just like a bird took off the ground. There was silence for some minutes.
SILENCE IS NOTHING
EXCEPT UNSAID WORDS
He was driving so smooth and a nice music breaking the silence in the car. He was bursting out laughing and mumbling something with himself. But I was just ignored him and instead, listened to the music. That wasn’t strange, how he couldn’t find it in his heart to come up with some speech and said: “You were home today? Why you didn’t go to school? I don’t give that shit you had a stomachache, because it’s hard to me to believe! I’m sure, you were sleeping whole of the day and you didn’t hear or see anything at all!
Am I right? Now let me talk a little straight to you. For the first, you are not yet trusted to make any decision and being held with the other members of the house. And the second don’t make any conscious attempt to involve with my things, and trying to reach out to my privacy.
Avoiding the truth under the guise of “kindness” is all you do; it occurs to you to do nothing but look out for yourself, your persona, experiences, and triumphs.
I warn you, stay out of my nose and try to not manipulate me”.
God knows how, the age of digitized communication has given even more power to the individual. Anything can be quantified nowadays.
For the last time I want you put in your tiny mind, any word to Sandra, you are dead. You read me”? Somehow I was going to interrupt his speech and tell him, hello, I am just 13-years-old. I am not sure what the hell you’re mumbling about? He parked the car closed to a grave-yard. They said:
Never let the left hand knows what the right hand is doing.
And exactly now, added to that rivalry, there is a various power struggle going on between his faction and the anti-faction. I am aware of that. I’ve no chance of winning in his battle situation. Therefore, I was sitting frozen and staring at the graves to know what the hell we are doing here! He started with a voice of deadly sound and points his finger at the graves: “Do you see these graves over there? Your mother has a place there too. She is lying beneath one of them. She is probably rotten by now. (He raised his voice. I could see the flames in his eyes and then he said); Do you want to join her? Are you willing to get a place next to her?
Hey, little monkey, if I hear, I mean, if I just hear one word from your mouth about this morning to your step-mother, I’ll send you there (He had his finger kind of a sharp knife and cutting some of my skin), you heard it, just one word?
Look at me, I said look at me. (Then I turned my face to him), I am a lawyer. At least, my lawful license hasn’t been revoked yet «I felt in a moment, the whole area’s being polluting by fallout from his thick-set and clumsy voice. Then I turned back my face to the grave-yard and closed my eyes. My imaginations about my mother all occurred.
Her high stature and blond hair was so shining through the darkness and how exiting with a strutted steps, easy and colorful smile on her face taking me like a diamond covered in the ring in her arms. Sensational, inflammatory, the drops of rain comforts her thin fondling was being held on her face. They said, when things going gets tough, movies can save your life. It’s always good to be able to look at things from a different perspective when you get in a jam. But, this is not a movie. This is real.
The movies are mostly mindless fun, but reality of the truth got their paths, their meaningful. One day, you’d found you’d lost faith in the things you’d been taking for granted, what did you see, was it that made you want to change sides.
Half of what you’d been told was a complete and utter lie; the other half was a conveniently constructed lie. So, where is the truth? Yep, it’s hidden in the lies. Who knows, we people have been raised to make even the most severe falsehood sound like the honest truth. Far be it for me to call him an idiot who can’t avoid even the simplest of a trap. There are no guarantees in espionage, only calculated guesses. Be regarding to my falsely father who is so frightened to think I’ll spy on him! At this point in time, he stands nothing to gain by stabbing me in the back; I’m saying the chance that he’ll betray us (Sandra and I) is low. Off course, Sandra and I got along pretty well though; I guess we have lot in common. So, let’s get back to the subject. Suddenly, he put his hand on my face and started to flirt very softly. It looked as if; he was going over the limit to fondle my chin. I was petrified and kind of a turtle sunk my head into my shoulders. Then he put his hand on my breast. The powder of death sprinkled into my eyes. He was trying to comfort me with his falsely voice and said:
“Well, well. Your breasts getting bigger just like your mother. They suit you well. (Suddenly, his sound turned to a horrible voice). Now, listen. I can make you disappear, so easy that you never could imagine”. He dragged his hand down to my belly and then between my legs, there, I took his hand and with an innocence voice I said: “What are you going to do with me? Trying to have sex with me? With your own daughter! With your own flash and blood? Did you think about the loyalty to the end?
Do you really want to devote your perversely desire on your only daughter? Think about what you doing! You call yourself a lawyer? You know this is sexual harassment! Be at least reasonable about whatever you got to fool yourself. You are a big time lawyer, a political lawyer”. All I needed to do was to distract him by saying some bullshit stuff about his career! I had to prioritizing my situation to avoid him to attack me specifically at all costs. I should open a conversation by getting straight to the point, saying something.
No matter where we are or what we do. We will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas. People who piss us off and this fact isn’t the cause of conflict, but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves. I would say; “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. The only person who hurt is we. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
Politics are a living thing. They change along with the times. Yesterday’s good might be tomorrow’s evil. The only thing he can believe in absolute certainly is his revenge to nothing. This time I tried to change my words and give him a comfort sense. So, I told him; “A lawyer has to follow whatever orders he’s given, as like a soldier. So, be a father, just like soldier, to be patriotic and devoting himself for his country. So, be a man and don’t go over your limits. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather to have a father better than you. (I burst to chock into cry). You told me already, to keep my mouth shut and I will do that. Please don’t do whatever you will regret about later. I don’t know anything, I don’t see anything. Believe me, it’s forgotten. I don’t know even what we are talking about? Please take me home. I will promise you, nobody would want to know anything from anything. It’s too much. I can’t afford it anymore. You scared me enough. Trust me my mouth is locked”. I was always thinking, it was just a rumor I never expected it would turn out to be true. I would assume the same mistake about his simple daily live is torn apart his faith to my mother by the terrible power of him that is nothing to do with me today at all. T
here was only so much he could was forfeited his chance to his entire life. He was trying digging up as much as he could about his affair clumsy relation to those women. Given the circumstances, there was definitely another woman in his life beside my mother. He would better off assuming it should sooner or later every single of his unfaithfully affair someday anyhow, would divulge it and he will blows the whole thing wide open. He should know that, he needs to hoist himself up before he falls off, that’s why, I prefer this to being kept in my side and waiting for a right moment to peril him. I figured it is a coincidence there really no one out here who knows about him, except me. This is a war. This is a combat. Having that will make combat easier, but being undetected is still the best way to go. It’s kind of hiding in the lockers when you are in a pinch and you can see out from the slit in the door.
Am I really required to follow his orders inside in this house of my immediate duties? This is not simply field personnel for me to track his danger that comes first. But I’m aware it. What do you say? Am I a hot damsel in distress? Yep, you bet. This is kind of genre we turned over every bit of it. Don’t jump to conclusions; I and he, we are the ones. We are from the same blood, same gene and same tribe. I need to find a motif that’s about movement, not the most mind-blowing concept for a being held in the holds!
Ballerina Page 2
