Ballerina

by Jimmy Esmaeili

  He has been able to come up with some of his threats to disappearing me and cut my feelings and my soul into pieces. So, I need to develop flexible innovative thinking if he thinks that what he is really onto it! Somehow, I won’t have any qualms about killing him if I would have some chance to do! He really underestimated me, and I’d hate to have it be the end for me. Anyway, he took his hand off of my breast and took a cigarette, lighted it and while he was taking a long drought on it, he turned his face to me and tried to change his tone of speech and with a smiley voice saying: “I remember, I and your mother, we were at the movies, The Spider. Do you want to know what the movie was about? It was about a spider that suddenly mutates into a giant monster.

  They brought it into the city in state of hibernation, but it woke up and started wrecking the place. You should see your mother at the time, frightened and holding my arm so hard that I thought her going to get heart attack. Anyway, after the movies we went home and she really made my day to a bright ending. Every night after dinner, we took off for the pub. We spent the whole evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. I remember I always had trouble getting the key into the key-hole and getting the door opened.

  Then we would strike up yelling and screaming for our constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. You know what I mean?” God please help him. He’s totally washed out. What is he getting at?

  This is for sure; once the final preparations are complete he will have no more use for me and I guess he’d certainly kill me. He was talking and I was looking for a way to get hell out of there. I knew I was awkwardly situated, but anyway, it seemed he savored of revenge, but why? I was so nervous that I could see my veins which came out of my hands. I wished my mother was here and gets me in her arms. Talking about the mother and mother’s day! I really missed her and my blessing for the mothers who gave birth to babies they may never see. And the mothers who took those babies—forever to be their own children.

  Void, emptiness and horror

  Divulged into my mind

  Smoking a blunt rolling a joint

  Crushed me time by time

  My legs are dead

  My body is numb

  There is no way to get

  It out of my mind

  I feel like a butterfly,

  I feel like I’m free

  I see the world different,

  The power of the joint

  Holds me so divine

  I’m feeling too much crazy

  Sometimes I’m really lazy

  Often trying really hard

  To reach the tip of my tongue

  It frees my spirit,

  Breathe me off of my lung

  When I am in this trip,

  I know it’s going to last

  I know we’ll die some day

  But I wish mine be fast

  I smoked it whole of my life

  Good thing death,

  I’ve seen it in my dream

  When the time will be over,

  That I won’t think of my past

  I hoped he could at least stop barking in my ears. My throat got dried. I am in a sad plight. I am getting tired and harassed by his speech about my mother. He was stuck with me whether I like it or not. I fell; I’ve been caught in his snare trap. He was looking at me just like a wolf hunting a pray. Anyways, it became a little silence, and then finally he started the car and with his finger pointed into my face and then he said: “Ok. Now, listen, I mean listen carefully. We go back home. She asks you, you say that what I’m going to say to you. We’ve seen the doctor and he said there was nothing to be worry about, ok?” Then, how dared he put his hand behind my neck and pushed my face forcedly to his side and tried to kiss me on my lips and said: “Hey, come here. Don’t be rough on me. I just want to kiss you and forget everything behind”. I tried to push him away, but he forcedly with angriness put his lips hard on mine. I tried to slip out my neck off of his hand. I had no option but to hit him on his chest to get rid of him. Things have come to a pretty pass. He put his hand around my neck and tried to chock me. I opened the door and jumped out of the car. He ran after me through the graves. I was being held extremely tight situated. I should give up, so, I just sat on one of the graves and took my hands in front of my face. I assumed, he could easily hurt me, but instead, he took my hand and raised me up and very slowly took me to the car. Then he took a good looked at my face, and asked me that I’m ok! He should be really got a one-crack minded to ask me after all what he went through. I had tears in my eyes but I didn’t want to cry. He sat behind the wheels and with a very soft and slow voice said: “Now you listen, don’t get cocky and don’t let me get madder at you because next time it’s going to be really serious. You got it?

  I’ll send you into a state of false death for a long time. Do we understand? Owing to the fact that he is using a lot of tricks to keep my mouth shut to spy everything on him. I felt I was halfway drowned at the bottom of my feelings about his crazy plans. I have to cross over to the other side of his mind. It wasn’t so easy to keep track of his lunatic minds. But under the circumstances, how far I could imagine, he can either render me unconscious or kill me out right and interrogated me.

  I am a little girl with tearing eyes

  I am a little girl who is dying inside

  with scars, pain and guilt

  that my father is giving to me.

  He was going firmly, slit my throat by using his force and how do you know, he could also choking me by tapping me rapidly? I remember my mother used to say, if somebody gives you a slap to your face, turn your face away. It’s just like if somebody also starts to suspect something turn your face away till suspicious passes. So, what I have to do when I am nearly helpless in his grasp? Should I defeat him or run away from the problems? It’s only a matter of time before the things come to a pretty pass, I assume to sneak my nose out of his business whatsoever. Then I really decided to follow the will of him as much as I should. I started to sob my heart out; he is tough, go-it-alone lawyer.

  After all he gave me a wry mouth and with a worthy face drove the car as fast as he could. It seemed he couldn’t tolerate the cry, especially the woman cry. He parked the car in the garage and then while we were proceeding to the house he looked at me and with a warning voice said: “I hope you took my words in good part!

  Remember what I told you and keep it in your mind”. It was realistic with the images jumping out of the fact at his will. It naturally made him a nice escape from reality, and I have to admit it made my eyes and my body tired and it was really intense. I am really getting tired and bored with that upper class life and certainly frequent verbal abusing from my own father. Despite being the most common form of abuse, verbal abuse is generally not taken as seriously as other types of abuse, because there is no visible proof and the abuser may have a perfect persona around others.

  If a person is verbal abused from childhood on, he or she may develop psychological disorders that plague them into and even through adulthood. Feel like a kind of released captive decided to carry out one last heist with my own dignity to get free for good from him.

  How come he calls himself a lawyer, perhaps better to say a good liar! When we got home, I ran like a deer escapes from a panther to her arms (my step-mother), I should opened my heart to her and telling her everything from zero to ten, but I was afraid. She took my face and wiped my tears off, and then stared into my eyes just like a fortunes-teller reading my mind: “So, what the doctor said? Did he give you some medicine or what? Why you are so paled? You seem whole pegged out! I believe that was worthwhile to visit the doctor to see how he could help you. Don’t you think so? I hope he didn’t put the wind up you?” There was news on TV. While she had me still in her arms, she turned her face to there and very anxiously listening. (On TV), a duffer guy, leads a thrill-seeking g
ang of ram-riders who steal expensive cars and crash them into shop windows.

  A missing police pistol is connected to a series of recent heists and murders. The guy killed the cop and stole his pistol and vanished while pursuing suspect. It wasn’t my kind of thing to follow like her. I was still stimulating my senses to that image by kissing my father on my lips. There are fates worse than literary anonymity when I being turned down for a high fatal attempt scheme by setting my face against the person who is struggling to stalk me, take a vantage of me and put me in a whirlpool of his perversely desire.

  They said; life is like chess. You don’t know how to play, they teach you.

  By the time, you’ve learnt, then they checked you mate.

  I venture to say; he is framed for the death of my entire mother life and now he works his will upon me. My father is taking a shower. Sandra (my step-mother) focusing at the TV, and me, pestered with my thoughts, splitting headache or better to say stomachache. A thought occurred to me. I was wondering, how I could embarrass him to what he’s done behind my step-mother this morning. He was standing by the mirror in the bathroom and shaving.

  I went to the kitchen and took the bottle of wine which I have already hided it and brought it to Sandra and very romantic with a voice of happiness I said: “Hey mum, how about a glass of wine?”

  She suddenly turned her face forcedly off of the TV to me and with a shocked voice said: “Where that comes from? You don’t say, you drink wine in this age!?” My father quickly came out of the bathroom and surprised watching me with that odious look and then with a rusty voice kind of yelling shouted:

  “What the hell is going on here? Where did you get that wine anyway? You want to tell me, you already started to drink alcohol from now at this age? Are you trying to send me to the jail for to have an alcoholic teenage girl? Then he started talking bad about my mother that she was pain in the ass and blab, blab, blab; she was a narcissistic and neglect full mother who would stop at nothing to get what she wanted, even alcohol.

  (He turns his face to my step-mother) you see how the teenagers behave today”? I just burst into tears. Sandra was pretty shocked. (Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life)! He is calling me foolish and stupid, and telling her; what the hell you want me to do with her?

  Messing up with my career! Sending me to jail! Becoming addicted to an illegal virtual reality game! Hey dad, has anyone ever told you, you are a bit slow and pain in the ass sometimes? I am sure; indeed I took the plunge and humiliated him to slow the truth after all. He is saying that, I am living in a variety of different environment of a family relation! How about you? You are fumbling the truth of your reality life around in the darkness! Why’d you go to all the trouble of looking what you never reach that up in your entire life?

  You are running into all kinds of things to build up your priority lies and the most spectacular of that is losing your consciousness and battling with what you never will apprehended. You need to dig out the reality with your nails, disinfect the lies, and apply styptic, then wrap it around your eyes to see that currently in your unfortunate life. Watch out dad. Be cautious to your careers which rigged with a number of your falsely traps, and be sure, those your falsely traps which seem to be triggered by tripping a rope stretched across the ground and what!

  Just running around like a fool? You’d better keep an eye on the ground and watch where you step. That is enough to move around stalking young preys and poison them to die. How dare you stalking the young women and innocence girls to molesting them and me, your own daughter? This is you who are making me to be a detective to your stuffs. I know, I messed up and blew up everything big time today howsoever. Well, I have to say again, that was your trick that it put me in this cubical room without any recollection of how I ended up to this situation so far! I was trying to cheer up Sandra and telling her, that was my father who poisoned and killed my mother. I was trying to warn her and keep her weather eye open, not to be a victim to his malicious plans. From what I’ve known, he has an almost supernatural knack for disguise himself to whoever he wants and definitely whoever moves in his way loses. He knows it inside out. He would be lying in wait and camouflage to mask his location, identify, and movement (Camouflage; it is like to hide and also called cryptic coloration is a defense or tactic that organisms used to disguise their appearance, usually to blend in with their surroundings) for his praise in one of those his traps.

  I believe, I ran him the wrong way and certainly he should be mad at me. But, what I’m saying, I’m already used to his nagging since day one. Somehow, it seems to me he’s floating helplessly into his casts by nagging and bitching in that way. Sandra very slowly came towards me and grabbed the bottle and with a very soft and nice voice of motherly said: “I’m sure you don’t drink alcohol at all. Do you? I don’t think so. (Then she sat on the couch and took me in her arms. She gave me a glass of water. (My father left us to his bedroom). “Ok, drink it up. So, just tell me what is going on? I see you have something hiding from me. I can read it into your eyes. I feel it. I assume it. So, now, just be brave and I want to know where that bottle of wine comes from? Don’t let the fear cover your mind. Be straight with me. I want just to help you. You know, how much I love you. I really do. So, talk to me”.

  Everyone grows up being told the same thing. It’s obvious from the start that only a few can succeed all rhetoric to avarice conflict and protect each other from hurt. I spent most of my time trying to get out from under the shadow of my recognition for my own talents and assets.

  When I stared my eyes into her eyes I felt she gives me an extra power to say all of the truths to her. An eye can threaten like a loaded and leveled gun, or it can insult like hissing or kicking; or, in its altered mood, by beams of kindness, it can make the heart dance for joy. The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.

  I was so afraid that I could feel the cold weather like a knife stabbing into my stomach. Then I started to empty my heart for her: “Do you really want to know the truth? This is it. This bottle of wine you see in my hand? This proves a victim to my own mother by my vicious father. I know he felt a victim to his ambition. I’m not saying that I’m determining to track down my father to extract revenge. That night I and my mother were sitting in here, just right on this couch and we had a good time together. There wasn’t a night but so cozy and happy. I remember she was telling me a joke about how a politician thinking about a war to begin; She said, imagine a room a father with an electric barber machine, and a mother with an iron, and the daughter with a hair-dry, and a son with a recorder, they all want to use the electric, but in the room is only a wall-plug.

  We had a lovely night and how hard I was concentrating on the jock that my weeping father came home with a bottle of wine in his hand. My mother should send me to bed. I was lying in my bed and I could hear the voices clearly through my half-opened room. They’ve been drinking and music was on. In the morning, after the school I was waiting for my mother to pick me up. She never showed up. I was worry. My teacher wanted me at her office.

  She called a cab to get me home. I was confused and my teacher had some tears running through her chins. I could think of something she might hiding from me. I was so desperate to know what is going on. What could be happened? I barely was halfway drowned at the bottom of my imagination. I was yelling into my head «Does someone here communicate with the spirit world, and evoke the spirits of the dead?

  Hello, somebody tells me what is going on here for god’s sake”. I took a pretty freaky look at her. Anyway, when I came home it was like some kind of sign to me. I was struck dumb with astonishment and surprised watching a circle of policemen stood dumbfounded and chief of police! What a joke!

  I saw the feds all around the house. One of the agents, a woman asked me some question about my mother and my father and how things worked between them. I was flabbergasted, I ask
ed her; «What all questions are for? What is happening here? Why you are so anxious about their relations? Is it something happened to them”? Then I stood up and crying looking the rooms one by one. I was whole out of control. I needed my mother. I screamed and running lunatic through the windows and calling my mother. I was panic and afraid. I could imagine, they have taken to indulging themselves in drinking and something for sure happened to them.

  After all, I found out my mother was already dead and they said, caused of a heart attack. I started to yell at them. It’s not possible. My mother’s condition was just like a fish, too fresh and totally healthy. It cannot be truth. When my father by the time got home, he just took a cold freaky smile at me and then, started fluttering cry’s and I was sure he was fobbing off his attempt of murdering to deny on my mother.

  He tried just to fluster me with that flair for infiltrating dangerous hide-up bonny face. Yap, he was playing the fool with his lawyerly law unconsciousness errors that he knew for sure how he slipped in. He was too smart to blackmail the FBI into an undercover falsely operation to be captured. Did you know, there is no room to swing a cat in? So, imagine an attorney and a secret undercover. That’s what I’m trying to say! Do you see any room to swing them in? He may is a good lawyer, but he is an excellent liar too. I was wondering whole the time, where does that road lead me to?” “So, what happened though?” Sandra said, nervously and eagerly. “Well, we went to the police station and they got all reports that they wanted to know and then they let us go”. “What about autopsy”? She asked.

  “Can you believe it? My father denied the autopsy; even with regard to the cause of death was unclear”! Then she dragged herself off the sofa, she said; “But if the cause was unknown pathologists could conduct autopsies without permission”! “Mum, did you forget, he is a lawyer. He knows how to string a needle! Anyone with any common sense could understand who did it!