The next day as I opened my eyes, I found myself lying in the middle of the kitchen. I felt I woke up from a dead sleep soaking sweat. I woke up so soaked to the point I needed to change clothes. But I was not able to bend my foot up further than standing up straight. I felt, my feet would randomly locked or frozen in place made me stuck on the spot. Finally, I tried to reach my hand out for the table and then dragged me up on a chair. I started to stretch out my feet although what I was feeling just a little numb! I was so scared and hallucinogen. I thought for a moment I lost my feet. Weird and confused to see me lying on the kitchen’s floor! When I got to the living-room, I saw Tina was lying on the floor butt-naked! I tried to wake her up, kicked softly to her legs, and moved her head from side to side. It seemed she was been in a coma. She showed no reaction! Well, I went to the bathroom, took my clothes off, there, I saw my arm and suddenly I felt overwhelmed, some tears burst into my eyes. “What is happening to me? What she’s (Tina) trying to do with me”! As I was in the shower, I was whispering to myself. I have to challenge my will. Anyone may have an interest to gain from the will can challenge a will. You can challenge a will by showing that the will was procured by fraud, forgery, or undue Influence. The term “Undue influence” merely means that the person lacked the free will to bargain because of the manipulator. I’m sure this usually involves someone manipulating a vulnerable person into leaving all or much of the property to the manipulator. I am really freaked out. She poked herself with a needle and gave me another one and I irresponsibly and negligently used it. Is she a manipulator? Or am I manipulating myself to certain extend! Tina actually is a feisty young indo-Scottish woman with an identity crisis who left home after a row with her father. She is an attractive and opened minded who is exposing her intellect life. As I stepped into the living-room suddenly she wrapped her shirt around herself to cover her ass and then she jumped on the sofa. I believed she was humiliated. I tried to be nice to her. By the time I got too close to her, she buried her face into her hands and sobbed herself to cry. This time I started to make her laugh so, I told her; “the couch that you are sitting on made of some sort of imitation leather, which is slippery and cold: it’s quiet an extraordinary sensation to feel it sticking to your thighs. So now, go take a shower and put some clothes on and let’s forget all behind”. She wiped her tears and stood in front of me. I reached my hand to her blouse and unbuttoned it. She leaned forward slightly, thinking I want to fondle her breasts. No. I was merely groping for her shoulder straps of her brassiere, which it sniped with a small penknife. Then I took it off. Now, beneath her blouse, which I have buttoned back up, her breasts were naked and free, as was rest of her body, from waist to knee. Good to see how she got shy and ran to the bathroom! I don’t know why I became so curious to dig her purse on the table! There were some needles and a white powder and of course a quarter bag of weed. I remember, my first time getting high was with a pipe made from a plastic bottle and some dank weed. I coughed a lot, but I really hit a gravity bong… I was fucked up. I just laughed constantly and kept rocking back and forth in my chair and fell on the ground a few times. Let’s get real, if marijuana is a gateway drug to hard drug why the number of hard drug users going down not up are! What even more interesting is, studies have shown that most people who are hooked on hard drugs started with alcohol. But since there is no money to be made in marijuana for the government (Because everyone can grow it) they made it illegal. This myth is true but misleading; impairment of the short-time memory disappears when you are no longer under the influence of marijuana. Anyways, during Tina was been in the shower, I rolled a join and smoked it fast in the backyard, without telling her. It has been a long time I didn’t smoke the weed. Gush! I felt I was fucked up, big time. My mouth is dried, and my blood vessels in my eyes expanded and looked so red. I was paranoid and scared what she is going to do with me if she finds out I stole some of her weed? I threw myself on the couch and just stare at the blank T.V. I smiled as I pictured the pretty blue eyes boy with the spaghetti all over his nice face. I wanted so bad to just reach out and wipe it off of his pretty full lips. I thought I was drowning in my imaginations. I took my cigarette-pocket and went on the balcony. It seemed I was standing on the edge of some crazy cliff, looking at the people weird. I am high and stoned and encouraging myself to see how widespread the problem is that I am stuck with it for the time being though! I am picturing my mind as a big blue sky, and any thought as a drifting cloud. Is that right to see or dream that you are on a balcony, refers to your desire to be seen and noticed! You are searching for prestige and higher status. Or you imagine that you are on way up the social ladder! Suddenly I felt a hand touching my shoulder and I screamed. It stroked my head and I started to breath as deep I could. I looked all over, thinking that if it was a ghost! But the spirits by definition are not physical, meaning they have no mass therefor cannot exert force. Touch requires force. Anyway, Tina came up to me all of sudden with a big boll of pot and said let’s smoke this. “You got to be kidding me! Hello, I am already fucked up; you don’t want me to shit in my pants! Come on, give me your break”. I was talking to myself. Tina, after a few hits, the smoke calmed her down and then she passed it to me and with a kind of slippery voice saying: “Come on, it sends you to a really freaky place and drive you into a psychotic state”. After smoking and coughing a shit load me and Tina ended up lying on our backs on the balcony and got the feeling kind of we were sinking into the ground. All the while Tina was secretly putting her huge ass caterpillars all over me. Eventually, she told me there were caterpillars all over me, in my head I was totally convinced there weren’t and she was just trying to freak me out. I have had to admit that, in my life, I have been unable to cope with my emotions that I have practiced an eating disorder (An internationally cut myself) to take out my anger on myself. When I woke up I found myself lying in my bed, but something was wrong-I couldn’t move a muscle of my body. Even worse, I could sense something pressing down on me and I was struggling to breathe. Consumed by panic, I tried to scream, but nothing happened. It felt like a nightmare, but I knew that I wasn’t because I was too alert to see the things around me. I sighed and turned my eyes at the clock on my bed stand, 11:45, A.M. Suddenly, I was able to move again and the feeling of pressure vanished. But I was terrified, shaking and gasping for air. Being unable to move is disturbing enough in itself, but many people can also experience horrific visual hallucinations of dark shadows, lights and monstrous figures; a sense of something or someone else in the room. A feeling pressure on your chest, and difficulty breathing or hearing footsteps or voices!
Tina left a letter and when I read it I became shocked and frightened;
Please don’t mess with the needle or spoon.
I have used it and I know how the damages are!
I’ve seen people use it and how they crawl from the cradle to the gutter on their hands.
What had made me move through so many dead and pointless years was curiosity.
Now even that flickered out.
Some people think of, I’m a wise but certainly I’m nothing just a fool amused myself to death.
A fire at one end and a fool at the other!
Try to ignore it; because I was so stupid, believing to sleep with the sun and rising with the
Moon!
I’m not encouraging you to smoke the joint, but at least it is much better than needles.
When you’re smoking Hash, the cannabis is crumbled onto bed of tobacco and in the fold
Of a rice paper rolled into a joint.
When you Smoke the Hash or Marijuana it damages the lungs just like smoking tobacco.
But when you using the drug, it releases chemical mood enhancers such as serotonin, and
That makes you feel depressed or down.
I’m fed up with everything. My life is all ruined.
I found out the life is too boring. I decided to commit suicide.
&n
bsp; I know by the time you read this letter you shoud realized how my life was too stressful
And upsetting for me!
You may thinking that also, committing suicide is a selfish act and people who do it, don’t
Realize the pain they cause their loved ones.
I don’t want you feel guilty.
It is nothing to do with you to make me to do this!
Love you
Tina
The day after, in the Morning-Began newspaper, there was a big picture Tina on the first page. They have found a dead body of a young girl under the bridge. The cause of death was a lethal overdose of prescription barbiturates (Or Downers, are drugs that act as depressants and are used as sedatives or sleeping pills). Although, the first police officer arrived to the place didn’t observe the vomiting or convulsive posturing typically associated with a drug overdose. I could remember, when we were high and stoned on the balcony, she says; “I want to die of an opiate overdose. I want to die in the midst of a high and I will the severity of the withdrawal take me out”. I was just laughing and I wasn’t aware exactly why she was so serious to talk about it! She was saying that many times that it became a habit of mine, and it has turned out that it’s not a good one, because I’ve been not made to listen to someone’s dirty conversation! What was that she was depressed about? I wish I could talk to her and try to sort things out! It should the depression did hit her, and it hit hard. It seemed, she underwent many years struggle before she realized that she was experiencing depression. For now, death is nothing new to me. I lost my dad when I was much younger and many of my friends. I vowed not to be affected by anyone’s death. Death is a fact. Death is the ultimate goal. It is inevitable. It cannot be helped. But when it comes to committing suicide, it makes frightened. Just because she was living in narrow minded world where problems don’t exist doesn’t mean they don’t! Such the hallucinations low minded to hear from such those people! Was that the really her only way out? Or was she afraid to cross over that valley from life to death! Until recently, she was not even my friend to begin with. I didn’t know her on a personal level. For me, she was just a name and someone existence I knew little of, whose suffering I felt nothing for, and whose life experiences I knew nothing of. She had not influence in my life whatsoever. Until today, I saw her picture on the first page was found dead under the bridge. Shock was an understatement. Remorse was not even close to what I felt. I was furious. I was beyond disappointment with Humanity, or the lack of it. She died an undignified death. She died a horrible death. One thing is certain; it is not reversible once you have killed yourself. You and nobody know what happens after and none of us ever will whilst we are on this Earth, what if the consciousness even though your body has gone? She meant, each time her experience with knowing someone will fail! Any method she tries to overcome shyness can and often will lead her to failure! But we have to know, shyness is based on selfishness, it’s a symptom. Its root is self-absorption (Preoccupation with oneself to the exclusion of others or the outside world). The key to combatting shyness is to work on your selfishness. I know probably some people think, I am way off, and it isn’t right to assume they are selfish just because they are shy! But when someone saying she has eyes only for you, but then flirts with someone else, that is not a good sign! Tina wasn’t a shy person and self-absorbed at all. She was feeling unsecured, feeling of not being “good enough” to meet the challenge of a situation she faced in her life. Sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict or concerns! Sense of not fitting in, “being out of sync” with those in her peer group! She was raised in a chaotic, unpredictable and volatile environment in which she was kept off balance, on guard and on edge. She was unsecured because, she thought everybody is looking at her, just waiting for her to make a fool of herself. In fact, it turned out to be the most awful experience in her life so far. Worse, it has been ended to committing suicide as a result. No doubt, she had previously attempted and she had problems with eating disorders. But I would enjoy seeing her always with a smile on her face! She was probably masking a word of hurt, but assuming that’s not the case here’s how things like that happen.
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born
Until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born”
One beautiful April evening, I was driving along a dark and lonely path; I saw a flash of lighting up ahead in the distance. It was then that I saw a dog. He was huge, at least as big as a calf. At the end of this path, it should be a cabin. I supposed to meet someone there. I was going to buy a gun and some drugs. I needed a fix because I was going down. I needed a warm gun, a needle, to hold it in my arm. I would feel my finger on its trigger. Scary road with full of big dogs has made me scared to drive through. I was so scared I didn’t even leave my car. Beside, all the lights in that house were off; it seemed I’ve been fooled howsoever. Suddenly, I was greeted by a massive posse of police inside of barriers on either side of the road into the base! I just found myself surrounded by them. They doubled-teamed me—one at the passenger-side window and one at the driver’s side window, both were talking to me at the same time, trying to confuse me. Each took turns sticking their heads as far as they could inside the car, looking around, and inhaling deeply. After about five minutes continuous sniffing, I asked one of the officers if everything was ok. “Just making sure you don’t have any weapons”. It’s a safety thing. You mind if we take a look around? Of course, I knew the response. “I know you are just doing your job, but I don’t consent to any searches. Finally, about ten minutes into the encounter, one of the cops excitedly pointed at my cup holder. “Mam, what’s that white residue on your cup holder, I need to be sure that’s not something dangerous!” I explained that the white residue was dust—dead skins cells and detritus that you normally see in a dirty-ass car like mine. Anyway, I kept cool, asserted my rights in a calm manner, didn’t consent, and drove away without being searched. Not that I had anything to hide, but it felt good to assert my rights. But the question here is; can you be handcuffed by a police officer even if you’re not under arrest?
Ballerina Page 13
