by Noelle Adams
Belinda was eyeing her with dark eyes that missed very little. “He’s obviously gone on you.”
“I know that too.”
“Do you not feel the same way?”
“Yes, I feel the same way.” She was too tired. Too strained. A tear streamed down one cheek. “I love him. I always have. I just... It just happened so fast. I haven’t had the chance to figure out what I want.”
“Yeah. I think his grandfather dying maybe shoved the two of you together instead of it happening gradually. More naturally.”
Ria nodded, trying to control more tears.
“Talk to him, Ria.”
She jerked her head toward her sister. “What?”
“Talk to him. This isn’t some sort of brilliant, unique advice. It’s what everyone says. All the time. But the thing is, they keep saying it because it’s the only thing that works. Talk to him. Tell him you need to take it slower.”
“I want to. I... I want to.”
“But?”
“But I’m afraid it will hurt him.”
Belinda thought about that for a minute before she answered, “And you think if he gets hurt, he’s just going to leave.”
For a moment Ria’s whole body shook with suppressed sobs. “I don’t want him to leave. And I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Oh shit, Ria. I see what you mean. But if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. Even if you don’t hurt him now, you’ll do something to hurt him eventually. There’s no relationship without that. So if he’s going to take off, won’t it be better for it to happen now? Before you get any deeper? Maybe you should just yank off the Band-Aid and see what happens.” Belinda’s voice wasn’t gentle or sympathetic. It was blandly matter-of-fact. But that was just her sister’s way.
Ria knew the words were meant in kindness.
And it was true.
Not because she needed to test Jacob. She didn’t.
She simply needed to tell him the truth.
“Okay,” she said at last. “You’re right. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”
“Call him up tonight.”
“No. I’d rather do it in person.”
“Yeah. I guess that makes sense.” Belinda picked up her laptop and pushed her glasses farther up her nose. “Not that I know a single thing about relationships.”
“You know as much as I do. So thanks.”
THE FOLLOWING MORNING, Jacob was checking out a loft space above one of the storefronts on Main Street.
It was a good space. Roomy and with big windows and a lot of interesting lines. Twenty years ago, his grandfather had converted it to an apartment, but it hadn’t been occupied in at least three.
But it had potential. Jacob could turn it into a nice place to live. He could do a lot of the work himself.
It might even be fun.
While he still felt sad and rather heavy about his grandfather’s death, Jacob was also starting to feel something else. New. A low-level shuddering of excitement.
Hope.
He was starting to envision a different life. A better one. A life that included what had been missing for him for so long. Other people. Love and community.
Ria.
He wanted it, and it seemed like finally—finally—it might be within reach.
After checking out the apartment and mentally assessing everything that needed to be done before the place was move-in ready, he headed downstairs and stepped out onto the sidewalk to be confronted by a shaggy man.
Shaggy was the only word that fit. The man’s hair was shaggy. So was his beard. And the olive-green army jacket he was wearing.
Jacob blinked in surprise as he took the man in.
“Morning,” the shaggy man said. “You the Worth boy?”
Jacob frowned. He was twenty-seven. Still young by most estimations but hardly a boy. He hadn’t been called a boy for years, and he didn’t really like it. This man was clearly older than him—at least ten or fifteen years—but he wasn’t an old enough man to make such an appellation appropriate. “I’m Jacob,” he said a bit coolly.
The man gave a huff of what appeared to be dry amusement. “Fitz.”
“Oh.” Now it was making sense to him. Ria had told him about this guy.
“Heard of me, huh? You thinking about moving into that place?” Fitz nodded up toward the loft apartment Jacob had just exited.
“I haven’t made any plans yet.”
“Well, if you do and you want any help, I’m around. I’m not bad with power tools, and I can always use some extra money.”
“Okay. Thanks. I’ll keep it in mind.” Ria had mentioned that Fitz did odd jobs around the shop. She seemed to like this man, as odd as his appearance and manner were.
“So you’re sticking around?”
Jacob arched his eyebrows at the intrusive question. He’d just met this man. “Maybe.”
As far as he was concerned, there was no maybe about it, but he wasn’t going to make such an admission to a stranger.
“You should.”
“Okay. Thanks for the advice.”
“No need to be snide. I know it’s not my business. But I’ve known Ria for a while now, and she’s not someone you should let get away from you.”
Ridiculously, Jacob felt a sliver of jealous resentment at the idea of Fitz sharing time and experiences with Ria that he wasn’t part of. But he stamped the unworthy feeling down. He’d been gone for a long time. Ria had shared experiences with a lot of people that he would never be a part of.
Fitz didn’t appear even remotely intimidated by Jacob’s cool glare. He gave another one of those laughing huffs. “Just saying. Let me know if you need any help. And I hope we see you around for a really long time.”
He strolled off then, not even waiting for a response.
Jacob shook his head, but he’d started to smile just slightly. If Ria liked that guy, he couldn’t be too bad.
And he was right about one thing.
Ria wasn’t the kind of person you should ever let slip away. Jacob had been the world’s biggest fool to do it eight years ago.
JACOB STOPPED BY THE flower shop to say hi to Ria, but she was busy so he didn’t linger very long. They made plans for her to come over to the house for dinner, and then Jacob headed back.
There was a lot that needed to be done at the house in packing up his grandfather’s stuff for either donations or the dumpster Jacob had rented. He might end up keeping a few pieces, but his grandfather had never invested in good furnishings. Most of it was barely in the state for a worthwhile donation.
He worked all day—until he finally stopped at about six o’clock so he could take a quick shower before Ria showed up. He was used to strenuous physical labor, but this was different.
This was as hard emotionally as it was physically.
He was showered with damp hair and a clean T-shirt and a pair of sweats when Ria arrived with a bag of groceries in her hand. Jacob tried to get up from where he was stretched out on the couch when she walked in, but she told him to stay.
She put her bag on the kitchen counter and then came over to climb onto the couch with him.
He settled her on top of him, stroking his hands up and down her body until he finally buried them in her hair. “Hi.”
“Hi,” she said, a smile in her voice. “You look worn out.”
“I am. And I’m not even halfway done. You won’t believe the junk in this old place.”
“Yes, I would. It’s a lifetime’s worth of junk. You should get some help with it.” She paused, nuzzling his shoulder gently. “Maybe you could get Fitz to help you. He’s good at this sort of thing.”
“I met him this morning downtown. He’s a bit...”
“Yes, he’s a bit... But he’s got a good heart, and he’s good at odd jobs. Ask him. He won’t expect to be paid too much, and he’d be a lot of help.”
“Okay. I’ll track him down tomorrow. Right now I just want to lie here and hold you for a little while.”
In only a few minutes, he actually dozed off.
When he woke up again, he was pretty sure not much time had passed, but Ria wasn’t on the couch with him anymore.
He shifted, blinking and trying to wake up. Then he smelled something good from the kitchen.
She was in there cooking dinner.
“You didn’t have to fix dinner,” he called out groggily. “I could have made something.”
“I know, but I like to cook.” She stuck her head out from the kitchen and gave him the sweetest smile. “And you looked so cute sleeping on the couch like that.”
He snorted, but he didn’t mind the sentiment.
In fact, it made his chest flutter the way it used to all the time around Ria.
He hadn’t realized he was capable of that particular feeling anymore.
It made him feel vulnerable, but he liked it.
When he found the energy, he heaved himself up and went to the kitchen to help Ria. She was making a beef-and-rice bowl with vegetables, and it came together really quickly. By the time it was done, his stomach was growling.
They ate the meal on the couch with beer he pulled out of the refrigerator.
He enjoyed it. As they were finishing, he told her about the apartment downtown. “I think I’ll move into it as soon as I make it livable. That way I can sell this old place. It’s not in great shape, but it’s a lot of property, so I should be able to get a decent price for this place. And I can use the money from the sale to do some more work on the property downtown.”
Her eyes widened. “So you’ve decided for sure you’re not going to sell it?”
“Of course I’m not going to sell it.” He frowned at her, trying to search her face for a clue as to what had prompted the question. “You thought I was?”
“Well, the last time we talked about it, you said you would probably have to.” Her voice sounded odd. Careful but strangely detached.
“But that was before. Before everything. Back when I thought I’d be going back to Alaska as soon as I could. You didn’t think...” A clench of fear tightened in his gut. “You didn’t think I’d still be doing that, did you?”
“I don’t know. You never said.”
“Well, I’m saying now. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you. Not again.” He was so nervous now he wanted to grab her, hold her so she couldn’t get away. He managed to resist the impulse and said gruffly, “I thought... I told you I love you. I meant it.”
“I know you did.” Ria put down her mostly empty plate and turned sideways on the couch to face him. “But you’re acting like that means everything is all settled between us. All questions answered.”
“Well...” He breathed heavily. “Isn’t it? Aren’t we together?”
“Y-yes.”
He heard the slight hesitation in her voice. “Ria? What the hell is happening here? I thought you... Don’t you love me too?”
“I do, but that’s not...” She was still trying to hold on to her composure, but it was obviously a losing battle. Her voice kept breaking. Her face was twisting with emotion. “It’s just all happening really fast. And I... I’ve spent a lot of years living with the fact that you walked out on me.”
“But that wasn’t because I didn’t love you. I loved you back then too.” He was trying not to overreact here, but he was so terrified he was cold with it. All the hopes and dreams he’d been mentally building back up for the past week were falling down around his ears.
“I know. But that just makes it... harder for me. You left me then, even though you loved me. So it’s going to take some time for me to... to...”
“To trust me.” The words came out as a hoarse whisper. He clenched his hands in his lap. “You don’t... trust me.”
She nodded and dropped her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Jacob. But this is really fast. And I’m so, so scared.”
She started to cry, and it was more than Jacob could handle. Despite his own devastation, he reached out and pulled her toward him so she could cry into his shirt.
He breathed with intentional slowness as he held her until he’d gotten his own tidal wave of emotion under control. “I understand, Ria. I really do.”
She pulled away and searched his face urgently. “Do you really?”
“I think so. I mean, of course I do. I was the one who hurt you before. Of course it’s going to take time. I was just... It just felt like we...”
“I know it felt like that.” She cupped his face tenderly. “It felt like that to me too. Like we had just fallen right back into each other’s arms. But that’s one of the things that scares me. This whole thing happened as your grandfather was dying, so it was all in this state of... of heightened emotion. Once we sink back into regular life, what if we don’t...?”
“Ria, sweetheart, it’s not going to change how I feel. Nothing has ever changed how I feel about you. I’ve loved you since I was a kid.”
“I know. I know that. But I still think we should... give it some time.”
He wanted to snatch her up, carry her away, never let her go, but that was a selfish instinct. He’d been selfish for too long. He’d lived only for himself.
And he didn’t want to do it anymore.
So he made himself drop his hands and lean back on the couch. “Okay. Okay. I want you to feel... secure about us, so what do you think we should do? You want me to back off? We could date for a while. Just see each other a couple of times a week?”
“You think we could manage that?” She sounded interested but skeptical.
Jacob made himself think it through honestly. He shook his head. “We could try, but... I don’t know. I’m going to want to see you all the time.”
“I know. Me too. I just don’t know how to slow us down. When we’re together, we...”
Devour each other. Like they were starving for each other.
“Yeah,” Jacob said. He rubbed his face and pulled out his phone to look at the calendar, vaguely surprised by how much time had passed since he’d gotten to Azalea. It had seemed to happen all at once, but it had been more than three weeks. “Well, I should really head back to Alaska for a couple of days to pack up my place there and say bye to folks and talk to my skipper. I’m leaving him in the lurch by backing out on him at the last minute, so I’d kind of like to say sorry in person. So that would give us a little time apart to think about how to proceed.”
When Ria didn’t answer, he glanced up, surprised by what he saw on her face.
She was frozen, her head cocked, like she just had an idea.
“What is it, sweetheart?” He reached over to brush some hair back from her face. He knew he was supposed to be backing off, but he simply couldn’t keep himself from touching her.
“Maybe...”
“Maybe what?” His heartbeat had accelerated at the look on her face. Not with excitement but with anxiety. He somehow knew what he was about to hear wasn’t going to make him happy.
“Maybe you shouldn’t.”
“I shouldn’t go to Alaska?”
“No, you should. I’m just wondering...” She shifted uncomfortably. She wasn’t meeting his gaze anymore. “Maybe you shouldn’t back out on your skipper. Maybe you should go ahead and do the fishing run.”
Jacob couldn’t move. His vision blurred. His heart sunk. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out.
“Just hear me out,” Ria said in a rush. “Please don’t look like I just... Listen.”
He gave a jerky nod. He still couldn’t speak, but he wanted her to know he was listening.
“I’m not dumping you. I’m not kicking you out. I’m not doing what your grandfather did to you. I promise.”
Jacob was able to breathe at that since there was no way not to believe the panicked concern on her face.
“I’m just wondering... If you did the f
ishing trip, that would give us some time to... to... process everything. Take a breath away from each other and really know if this is what we want. Maybe you’ll get up there and remember what you liked about your old life. The emotional strain of here would be dissipated, so you could think it through more objectively. If you finish the trip and you still want to come back here, then you can. Then we can... we can know it’s real and it’s going to last.”
She was trying desperately not to hurt him. He could hear the anguished attempt in her tone. But it hurt anyway because he realized what was driving this whole thing.
She didn’t believe him.
She didn’t trust that what he was feeling was real.
She really believed there was a good chance he would change his mind and stay up in Alaska.
That he’d let her slip through his fingers again.
And what made it hurt even more was that he’d done it to himself by the decisions he’d made in the past.
Because this was true, because her fear was entirely justified, he couldn’t be angry at what felt like a rejection.
It felt like a wound—sudden, painful, opening up the parts of him that should never be exposed to the world—but he couldn’t be angry about it.
He nodded, staring down at his hands clenched on his thighs.
“Jacob, please don’t look like that. I promise I’m not doing what your grandfather did to you.”
He inhaled and then let the breath out very slowly. “Okay.”
“Okay, you believe me?”
“Okay, I’ll go back to Alaska. I’ll do the fishing run. It will be a few weeks. Maybe a month. It all depends on how quickly the catch comes in. Then I’ll come back and we can see if you... if you want me.”
She made a sobbing sound and wrapped her arms around him. “Jacob. Jacob, that’s not what this is about. I just need to be sure that I’m really what you want. That Azalea and this kind of... quiet life is what you want.”
Never for a moment would Jacob consider asking Ria to move. Her life was here. Her friends and sister were here. Her business was here. Everything she cared about in the world was here. If they were in a relationship, she might be willing to sacrifice all that for him, but he would never dream of asking her to do it.
