by Cecily Wolfe
“I expect a full tank of gas the next time I get in the car, Cassidy. And don’t forget that you need to pay for car insurance soon.”
“Okay, but it’s not due until the thirtieth.”
Her mother’s gaze snapped to hers as if Cass had used profanity or told her to do something inappropriate to herself.
“Don’t talk back. I’m just reminding you. You won’t always have me around to remind you of important dates, you know.”
Oh, God, Cass thought, trying not to roll her eyes. I hope not.
She stood in the dining room and stared out the window, a mug of instant coffee in her hand, too hot to drink but enough to keep her hand warm in the cool morning air. Soon Sarah and her father would be closing up the pool, and Cass and Kayla . . .
Just Cass this year. Cass would help Sarah and her father clean the pool and prepare it for the winter, when they would sit inside and stare at the patio longingly, mugs of hot chocolate with marshmallows steaming in their hands, talking of summer and swimming and Sarah’s father grilling chicken kabobs, which were Sarah’s favorite. Even Kayla couldn’t resist them, and since they were primarily chicken and vegetables, there was really no reason for her to feel like she shouldn’t eat them.
Cass wondered if Kayla would have shared hot chocolate with them this winter, with her concerns about her weight and her performance on the field at the front of her mind, especially since she hadn’t been able to run or practice for so long. She had a feeling that this year would have been very different with Kayla, just as it was going to be different without her.
They weren’t little girls playing jump rope on the playground anymore, and while she and Sarah could always revisit those times, it wouldn’t be the same without Kay.
She watched the clock on the microwave as nine o’clock grew nearer, thinking of what she would be doing in school if she was there. Probably waiting for a second alone with Stephanie so she could pull her hair out. Maybe it was better that she was home.
As soon as the LED flashed from 8 to 9, she slid her finger over the screen of her phone, accessing the contacts, and pressed AF. It was a joke, of course, one she didn’t think of when she entered the numbers in the first place, and it was only after Kayla had mentioned it with a knowing smile that she had shrugged and agreed that it was cool. AF. Because being in the Air Force was going to be just that cool.
“Hello, I’m just calling to see if you have any time for me to come in today and talk to you about taking the ASVAB. Oh, sorry, I’m Cassidy Mason, I called you earlier this year with a lot of questions.”
His voice was firm and clear and she wondered if maybe he was in a different time zone psychologically, where it was already afternoon. Or, she thought, he might just be a morning person.
“Yes, I do remember you. You plan to study nursing, correct?”
He did remember her. She realized that she was standing a little straighter after his remark, and smiling a little as well.
“Yes, that’s right. I don’t know all the details about how that works, but I know you said it was like a community college, too, and I can take classes towards nursing. I just want to come in and talk to you more about that, and about the test.”
“Well, you sound like someone who knows what she wants. I like that, and I am happy to say that I do have some time later this morning if you’d like to come by. Would eleven be convenient?”
Enough time to shower and look remotely presentable.
“I do have a question, Miss Mason, before we talk further.”
Cass couldn’t imagine what he was talking about. After all, they had only spoken once.
“Sure, I mean, what is it?”
“Why aren’t you in school right now?”
She sighed. She hadn’t thought of having to explain that, but she probably should have. There was really no way to sugarcoat it, or spin it in any positive light.
“I was suspended, for fighting. There was a good reason, though, not for the fighting, but for being angry. I hope you’ll let me tell you, so you don’t just think I’m a bad kid or something. I mean, I hope you won’t hold it against me.”
He didn’t speak for a moment, and when he did, Cass released the breath she was holding in anticipation of his response.
“No, I won’t, and I’m glad to hear you speak of a reason for your anger rather than your behavior. I believe in taking personal responsibility, and while it seems as if you’ve made an error in judgment, you’re accepting the consequences. I look forward to talking with you more, Miss Mason, and I’ll expect you at eleven.”
“Great, thank you so much.”
When she pressed the end button, she noticed that her hands were shaking, and she started a text without thinking, a text full of excitement.
I’m really doing this. Really. Doing. This.
She added a heart before pressing send, then realized, with horror, what she had done.
The hot water was nearly scalding, but she cried into it, her face turned up to the spray as it beat on her skin. The police had Kayla’s phone, or at least they had at one point, and if they didn’t, her parents or Mia did, if for nothing else than the photos on it. Photos of the three of them, of her and Paul, of her soccer teammates, of her mini-me sister - of the diet root beer float she had ordered at the drive in earlier that summer, which earned her some teasing from Cass and Sarah because it was such a contradiction.
Whoever had it would see her text, a text sent to a dead girl in a moment of excitement. How could she possibly be excited, when Kayla hadn’t been gone for very long? Was it disrespectful to want to talk about her future when Kayla would never have one? She felt incredibly disloyal, and was considering how she could be true to her friendship with Kay without holding herself back. Would she always feel guilty about moving forward without Kay?
She suddenly wished she could talk to Sarah’s father, but she would never call him without talking to Sarah first, and having her there as well. He wasn’t some kind of therapist, after all, and he didn’t need to rehash his own past and suffering just to help her. He would want to, though, she considered, and decided that she would ask Sarah what she thought later that day. Maybe if she asked her mother about getting a new phone number, she would let her go out with Sarah and her father to make the switch.
She twisted her damp hair into a bun and shoved two chopsticks into it so it wouldn’t budge, choosing a dark pair of jeans and a simple button-down blouse. This was as dressed up as she got, but she got the feeling that it was probably fine with the recruiter. He didn’t seem like someone who was worried about appearances.
“Can I see if I can get my phone number changed? I just want to be able to look at it without worrying what people are texting me.”
Her mother looked at her as if she was trying to find something wrong.
“Sarah’s getting a new number, for the same reason.”
“Are you getting any threats? The police officer told you to report any threats.”
She shook her head.
“No, it’s not that. You saw what kids are saying. I don’t want to see that, and besides, if it’s someone I know, they’re asking to get their ass kicked.”
Oh, yes, that was exactly the right thing to say. She could have slapped herself.
Her mother only sighed, which was completely unexpected.
“No, you don’t need to see that, and obviously, you can get into fights without being provoked, so it is a problem.”
Stephanie sure as hell had provoked her, but Cass wasn’t going to try to explain that to her mother again. Besides, her mother was actually agreeing with her for a change.
“We’ll go later, you and me, and get a new number, new phone, however that works. But you need to pay for some of it. It’s not your fault, of course, but I just don’t have a lot of extra money right now, and I don’t know what it will cost.”
Cass nodded, disappointed that she wouldn’t be able to spend time with Sarah, even if would just be to
handle their phones, but oddly relieved that there was something in her mother that could see her perspective, at least in this.
She wondered if the recruiter would be able to do the same, when it came to explaining her reaction to Stephanie, which of course, would have to include an account of what happened to Kayla. She might not be able to share this opportunity with Kayla, but she hoped that somewhere, Kay had seen her fail with the text, and smiled at her mistake.
Day Twenty-Four
Tuesday
Sarah’s father bought her a new phone when they closed out the old number. He had taken the photos from the old one and uploaded them to his computer after she had tried to do it with her own. The flash of Kayla’s face on the screen was like a physical blow, and she had walked out of her room taking deep breaths to try to calm down. Her father hadn’t been home at the time, and she wished she had waited until she wasn’t alone.
She wasn’t a little girl, though, and as she sat on the sofa with a can of Diet Coke, decided that she needed to take care of it herself, as much as it might hurt. The Diet Coke, a purchase that had led her father to raise his eyebrows but make no comment, was clearly a connection to Kayla, and while it wasn’t her favorite soda, there was a small measure of comfort she took as she swallowed a mouthful, only to burp immediately afterward.
The three of them used to have contests back in middle school, when Kay still drank orange and grape soda with them, before she worried about sugar and her weight. They would swig as much as they could and swallow it fast, forcing the air in to result in the largest and loudest burps they could manage. Sarah’s father would smile indulgently, but the girls never did it at Kay’s house, at least not when her parents were around, because they definitely would not approve.
At Cass’s, they would stay in her room or sit in lawn chairs in her back yard, and sometimes Cass’s father would smile and shake his head, mildly entertained by their antics. Sarah realized that she didn’t know Cass’s family very well, and what she did know was mostly from what Cass had told her, usually when she was angry and venting to her and Kay. They didn’t spend too much time there, and it was obvious that Cass felt uncomfortable in her own home and couldn’t wait to get away.
“They didn’t want me,” she confessed in middle school, not long after Paul’s father had left and he and Kayla had started to make eyes at each other. He had been following her around for years, but Kay had just started to like him, too, beyond the playground games they had played in elementary school. Kay was worried about Paul, who was sure that he had done something to upset his father and push him away.
None of them understood what their parents did, or how their marriages worked, and until then, it didn’t matter, as long as they were taking care of them. Now, however, Paul’s mother was freaking out and Paul didn’t want anyone to know what was happening at his house. He and Kay would stay after school together, shooting hoops on the playground before their separate practices began. Once, Kayla had accidentally hit him in the face with the basketball during recess, and after Kay shared Paul’s secret with Sarah and Cass, Sarah was sure that his tears over the injury were about more than the physical pain of that single event.
Like a dam that had broken, he had fallen to the asphalt and buried his face in his arms. Kay had been horrified, of course, but when Paul’s mother had come to pick him up and take him to the hospital, his mother’s behavior had angered her.
“She talks to him like he’s a baby. We’re practically teenagers!”
Lunch time that day had been full of Kay’s disbelief and Sarah’s quiet nods of agreement, but Cass had been abnormally quiet. When most of the other kids had left but there was still a few minutes before they had to leave the cafeteria, she finally opened her mouth.
“My parents don’t want me, never did. I guess at least his mom cares about him, even if she’s annoying about it, and even if his dad is a jerk.”
She shrugged and shook her head, her lip curling as she spoke.
“They made this big deal of telling me that I’m adopted on Sunday. Made me sit at the kitchen table and everything. I mean, I don’t care, but it’s like they were explaining why they didn’t like me or want me around.”
Kay’s jaw had dropped and Sarah remembered the lurch in her stomach. Her father adored her, and she knew without a doubt that her mother had as well. Cass’s parents were distant but they did give her everything she needed, even if she didn’t have everything Sarah had because they didn’t have the money.
“They don’t want anyone to know, and they didn’t tell me before because they thought I would tell someone. Well, here I am, telling you guys.”
Cass sounded casual, as if what she was saying didn’t have much weight, but how could it not?
“We won’t say anything. But, you know, you look just like your mom. Being adopted doesn’t make sense.”
Cass looked away as Sarah spoke, her eyes following one of the lunch ladies as she wiped down a table.
“I’m her younger sister’s baby. She got pregnant in high school, and her family didn’t want anyone to know, so they sent her away to live with my parents right after they were married. Then she went home, and left me with them.”
Sarah stood and walked around the table to slide onto the bench beside Cass. Kay was already on Cass’s other side, and the three of them sat touching now, their legs pressed together. Sarah linked her arm through Cass’s.
“Aunt Becky? The one who always takes you to the movies when you visit your grandparents at Christmas?”
Cass looked down and nodded. The bell rang but the three of them sat still.
“You ladies need to get moving.”
The older woman was watching them now, the rag in her hand pink from spilled fruit punch. Her tone wasn’t unkind but brooked no resistance as she walked over to them, presumably to admonish them further.
“Is everything okay? Do you need some help?”
Cass looked up at her and offered her a small smile.
“No, but thanks. Bad day.”
The woman nodded.
“We all have those, honey. I hope it isn’t about a boy, because they aren’t worth it.”
Sarah and Cass had looked at Kay, who flushed a bright pink.
“What?” she screeched, her voice echoing in the large, empty room. “I’m not upset about a boy.”
The four of them laughed quietly together, and Sarah noticed that Cass wasn’t as stiff as she had been during the conversation. She turned to the lunch lady and thanked her.
“Ups and down, honey. That’s just life. You keep looking out for each other.”
Sarah remembered those words for the first time since she had heard them, and didn’t realize that she had let go of her soda can until she felt the cold seep through her jeans, catching it before it leaked onto the sofa.
She had those words stuck in her head through Monday night, when she went to bed and fell into a dream where the three of them, as children, were playing hide and seek and she and Cass couldn’t find Kayla. She was breathing hard when she awoke before her alarm chirped, confused for a moment and wondering why they would have been playing hide and seek. She didn’t even recognize the house they were in, although it felt familiar in some way.
When she stepped into the shower, the haze of post-dream awareness washing away with the steam, she realized with horror that the house had been Danny’s. She stumbled through the motions of washing her hair and dropped the bottle of conditioner on the floor. When she reached down to pick it up, she leaned onto the palms of her hand and rested there, rocking back onto her heels and letting the hot water roll through her hair and onto her back.
