It’s a big hole that can’t really be closed.
A SCENE THAT WILL NEVER MAKE THE BONUS DISC
As serious an intellectual as they come – a brooding writer called “The Angriest Man in Television” in a cover story by the Atlantic Monthly – David Simon likes to fancy himself a prankster.
Simon routinely hid all of Bob Colesberry’s New York Yankees memorabilia. He glued everything to director Clark Johnson’s desk, creating a disorderly still life.
A year or so before The Wire went into production, Simon and I waited for fellow writer Bill Zorzi to join us for breakfast at the Blue Moon Café on Aliceanna Street in Fells Point. While waiting, Simon decided we should completely ignore Zorzi when he arrived, go on talking to one another as if Bill did not exist.
We did, to which Zorzi replied: “You assholes.”
And then we ignored him for another two minutes.
When the “Backwash” episode in Season Two called for a practical joke to be played on Ziggy in retaliation for the goof having downloaded photos of his cock on another longshoreman’s computer, Simon rejected all ideas about itching powder, laxatives and hair removing creams.
“We’ve seen enough of Ziggy jumping around,” he said and set to write a scene in which the “legend of the docks” receives a letter from a law firm claiming he’d knocked up a woman who’d danced the cha-cha – at least once – with every guy in the neighborhood.
When his cousin Nicky suggests he call the number listed in the letter, a cell phone rings across the bar: it’s Maui, the stevedore on whose computer Ziggy had placed a photo of “Pretty Boy.”
All the while, “Love Child” by the Supremes plays over and over on the Clement Street Bar jukebox.
“He got ya, Zig,” laughs Nick.
But Simon claims he never got anybody better than he got Dominic West and Wendell Pierce and the rest of the cast and crew of the show over the 2007 Labor Day weekend on the next-to-last day of filming five seasons of The Wire.
On that day, which was already looking to be an 18-hour marathon, one last script insert was delivered to the set. And this is what it said.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM #1/HOMICIDE UNIT – NIGHT BUNK, MCNULTY sit, worried. A long beat of frustrated silence before MCNULTY leans back in his chair, speaks.
MCNULTY
If they were going to do me, I’d be done already.
BUNK
Now, later. They’re gonna do you.
MCNULTY
I’m not so sure.
BUNK
You really think we need to discuss this some more? Whatever’s gonna happen is gonna happen.
MCNULTY
What are you saying?
BUNK
I’m not sure this conversation is going anywhere, Jimmy.
MCNULTY thinks on this, nods.
BUNK
I’m sayin’ this like that song by whatshersame, you know? Whatever the fuck is gonna be is gonna be.
MCNULTY
Doris Day.
BUNK
Say what?
MCNULTY
Doris Day. Que sera, sera?
BUNK
The fuck are you going on about, motherfucker?
MCNULTY
That’s the song. “Que Sera, Sera”, by Doris Day. Whatever will be, will be.
BUNK
The shit that’s clogged up in your fuckin’ head. Amazing.
MCNULTY
You brought up the song, bitch. I’m here trying to figure out whether or not I’m gonna get done and you’re talking in gay-ass clichés.
BUNK
You ain’t goin’ to get done.
MCNULTY
How do you know?
BUNK
How do I know?
MCNULTY
Yeah. Which god came down to Baltimore and gave you the power to see the motherfuckin’ future. This is my life on the line here.
BUNK
Calm the fuck down.
MCNULTY
How can I?
BUNK
Look, you know the rest of the story.
MCNULTY
I do?
BUNK
Motherfucker, they done moved the whole script. And you read to the end of this shit, right?
MCNULTY
I know what it says so far, but all these fucking revisions. They’re up to cherry-colored pages …
BUNK
Buff.
MCNULTY
What?
BUNK
Buff pages. Last revision was buff.
MCNULTY
Fuck buff. These pages right here are second white.
BUNK
That’s what I’m sayin’, Jimmy, we’re far along in the process here.
MCNULTY
But they could still revise it more. Like this scene here …
BUNK
They ain’t gonna shoot this bitch.
MCNULTY
You sure?
BUNK
Motherfucker, they lookin’ at a seven-and-a-half-page day tomorrow already. Simon tries to add this shit to that sked and the crew will bank his white ass.
MCNULTY
I dunno. I think that cocksucker has been asking for impossible shit so long, he just figures …
BUNK
He is a motherfucker, but, Jimmy, this one would go too far.
MCNULTY
So we’re done?
BUNK
Done. These pages ain’t gonna actually get shot, Jimmy.
MCNULTY
So we’re just talking here.
BUNK
Talkin’ shit about ourselves for ourselves. We a drunkass pair of meta-motherfuckers right now.
MCNULTY
I love the way you say shit like that.
BUNK
Well, it’s the script.
MCNULTY
But you make the shit sound good.
BUNK
I do.
MCNULTY
Profane, but poetic.
BUNK
Yeah, fuck.
MCNULTY
Motherfuck.
BUNK
Fuck me.
MCNULTY
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.
BUNK
Aw fuck.
MCNULTY
Yeah. Fuck, yeah.
On MCNULTY and BUNK, nodding in fucking affirmation of just how fucking good The Wire crew is, just how fucking grateful the writers are, how there is not – we repeat, not – another scene remaining that we could ask you to shoot,
FADE TO:
THE END
Appendix I: GLOSSARY
GLOSSARY
24-HOUR REPORT, or 24: Police report summarizing a major incident, prepared within the first 24 hours following the incident.
A-MATTER: Background or history of event/person/story being written about. In the pre-computer era of “hot-metal” typesetting, “A-matter” was often waiting in the composing room galley trays for a reporter to file the latest information for the top of the story.
A.M.E.: Assistant medical examiner.
APB: All points bulletin.
A.S.A.: Assistant state attorney, a city prosecutor.
AUSA: Assistant United States attorney, a federal prosecutor.
A TASTE: Slang term meaning a beer or drink or a hit of dope.fg drugs.
ATTRIBUTION: Identification of source in reported information, as in: “Hamsterdam seemed like a good idea at the time,” said Howard “Bunny” Colvin.
B OF I: Bureau of Identification, the unit that produces mug shots and other criminal intelligence material.
B&E: Breaking and entering.
BABY BOOKING: Juvenile intake unit for offenders under the age of majority.
BASER: A person who cuts cocaine in preparation for distribution.
BAWLMER: How many locals pronounce Baltimore.
BENNIES: Benefits.
BLOW THE BOX: Answering a question during a polygraph test in a way that causes
the needle to soar, indicating a falsehood.
BODYMORE, MURDERLAND: Slang terms for Baltimore, Maryland, illustrating its high murder rate.
BPI: Baltimore Police Index. The city police computer.
BUG: A concealed microphone. Not to be confused with The Bug, which is AIDS, or Michael Lee’s little brother, “Bug.”
BULK CARGO: Shipping term for cargo that is stored in bulk in a ship’s hold and does not utilize containers. At one time, almost all cargo was bulk; container technology has made it a relative rarity.
BUMP: Battle or fight.
BURNER: Pre-paid disposable cell phone.
BURNT: Cheated; short end of the stick; or in the case of sexual activity, given a dose of a venereal disease.
BUST A CAP: To fire a weapon.
BUYOUT: Corporate purchase of the remainder of a worker’s employment, severing relationship with employee.
BYLINE: Name of reporter who wrote a newspaper story, appearing below the headline and before the text.
CI: Confidential informant.
CID: Criminal Investigation Division.
CAN: Slang term for a shipping container that can be detached from the chassis of a truck for loading onto a vessel, a railcar, or stacked in a container depot. Also known as a box.
CANVASS: Investigative interviews with residents and others in a particular geographic area.
CAP: Bullet; or, to shoot someone, you “put a cap in his ass”.
CARRY WATER: To perform a duty, often unpleasant, for someone who would normally do it for themselves. At times, the work of a flunky.
CAUGHT THE CASE: When a police detective is assigned to investigate a crime/case.
CENTER PIECE: Feature story, illustrated by at least one large photograph, in the center of the front page of a section of a newspaper. CHANNEL 3: The car-to-car frequency used by individual police units.
CHECKERS: Dockworkers who take an actual count of the goods (number of boxes, drums, bundles, pipes, etc.) versus the amount listed on the ship’s manifest. Members of the longshoremen’s checkers local will also note shortages, overages, or damage.
CITYWIDE: The main radio band for city police. All felony calls and announcements are broadcast on citywide. CLEARANCE: A solved case. The clearance rate is the percentage of those crimes solved against the total reported.
CLOCKING: Dealing drugs.
CLUSTER-FUCK: A term of military origin used to describe a hopelessly screwed-up situation.
COLD PATCH TRUCK: City public works truck used to fix potholes.
CONTAINER: A truck trailer body that can be detached from the chassis for loading onto a vessel, a railcar, or stacked in a container depot. Also known as a can or box.
CONTRIB LINE: Short for contribution line, which lists writers who contributed material to the work of another reporter.
COOK THE BOOKS: To falsify information, usually statistics. Synonymous with “juke the stats.”
CREW MEMBER: Someone belonging to a drug organization.
CUR: A dog who turns his head in a fight.
CUT HOUSE: Where a drug crew dilutes and packages product.
D WARD: Hospital detox.
DEU: Drug Enforcement Unit. The district-level drug squads in the nine Baltimore police districts. The Western DEU, for example, is the drug unit in the Western District.
DNR: Dialed-number recorder used to intercept the telephone numbers called from a phone and, if the caller ID is installed, to record incoming numbers. A preliminary step to any wiretap.
DSS: Department of Social Services.
DAP: Handshake between known associates that usually involves both hands being closed in a fist and then hit together, either knuckle to knuckle or bottom of hand to the top of the other person’s hand.
DEPUTY OPS: The deputy commissioner of operations, the No. 2 man in the Baltimore police department, under the commissioner.
DETAIL: Team of law enforcement personnel assigned to a specific case.
DISTRICT: A police precinct in Baltimore. There are nine: the Central District, which encompasses downtown, and eight others named for compass directions surrounding the Central: Southern, Southwestern, Western, Northwestern, and so forth. Each district is commanded by a police major. The districts are home to the patrol force, small investigative contingents, and drug squads. The greater share of the Baltimore department’s investigative capacity works out of police headquarters downtown.
DROP A DIME: To snitch on someone, to give up information to authorities.
DROPPED: Slang for someone being shot.
DUNKER: An easily solved case.
DUTY JUDGE: The judge on duty after hours, who can sign search or arrest warrants for detectives after court is closed.
DUTY OFFICER: The night commander for the police commander, appointed on a rotating schedule from the ranking commanders.
DWI: Driving While Intoxicated.
ECU: Evidence Control Unit.
ENFORCER: A gunman for a drug crew; a soldier, in street parlance.
EXHAUSTION: Investigative term. A legal requirement that the police prove that they have “exhausted” all other investigative strategies in a case, so that they are justified in requesting electronic intercepts.
EYEFUCK: A dirty look.
FIEND: Drug addict.
FIN: Five-dollar bill.
FIVE-O: An ancient slang term for police.
FLEX SQUAD: An extra squad of district plainclothesmen that can be used to target particular high-crime areas tactically.
FLIP: To cooperate with authorities and give evidence against criminal associates or superiors.
FLOATER: Dead body found in water.
GELCAP: A single dose of heroin, packaged in a pharmaceutical gelcap.
GLOCK: A make of semi-automatic weapon used by Baltimore police.
GO TO GROUND: When someone in flight stops running from police and hides.
G-PACK: One thousand vials of cocaine, prepackaged for sale.
GUMP: Nerd and/or wimp, from the movie Forrest Gump.
H-FILES: Homicide files.
HAND-TO-HAND: When an undercover narcotics officer buys drugs directly from a suspect.
HER-RON: Heroin.
HOMES: Term of affection. Homeboy may be grossly clichéd, but its abbreviated version is occasionally offered.
HOME FINAL: Final edition of paper delivered to residential subscribers.
HOOPTIE: Street slang for a knocked-around vehicle.
HOPPERS: Young kids, juveniles.
HOT BOX: A shipping container that is supposed to be off-loaded from a ship directly to a truck, rather than stored on the docks.
HOURS: Time working on a job or assignment.
HOUSECAT: Slang police term for an officer who works in the office, rather than on the street.
HUMBLE: An arrest based on weak or nonexistent evidence, such as disorderly conduct or loitering, used by street officers to humble an argumentative or provocative civilian.
I. I. D.: Internal Investigations Division. Investigates possible crimes/ infractions involving police personnel.
IBS: The Wire’s fictional union, the International Brotherhood of Stevedores. IN STIR: In prison.
IN THE WIND: Missing, lost, running from the law.
INDEPENDENCE CARD: State of Maryland “Electronic Benefits Transfer” (EBT). A debit card uploaded with food stamps and/or cash.
JOHN BLAZE: A fire, wild, strong.
JOHN DOE: Police investigation term used to describe an unidentified male dead body. An unidentified female is a Jane Doe.
JUVENILE INTAKE: Where juvenile criminals are taken after arrest to be processed for detention.
KGA: Code for the dispatcher on police radio calls.
KEL-LITE: A two-foot-long, metal-encased flashlight that can be used as a nightstick.
KEY: Kilogram of drugs.
LATENTS: Fingerprints found as evidence.
LAKE TROUT: Baltimore term for fried, breaded white fish, served on plain wh
ite bread with tartar sauce and hot sauce.
LAY IN THE CUT: To hide from a situation, not get involved.
LIZARD: Lesbian.
LOCK IN: To bring a witness before a grand jury, thereby locking in his testimony before he has a chance to reconsider and deny any knowledge of a crime.
LOOKOUT: Someone who works for the dealers, keeping an eye out for the police.
MANIFEST: A written document, signed by the captain of a ship, that lists the individual shipments constituting the ship’s cargo.
MARYLAND SHIELD LAW: Statute protecting a reporter’s privilege to protect sources.
MOPE: An ordinary street character, possibly guilty of crimes and possibly not, but certainly not a taxpayer.
MOUNT UP: Get your guns and get ready.
MSA: Maryland School Assessment. Standardized tests for reading, math and science administered in grades three through eight.
MULE: A drug courier who brings narcotics interstate.
MUSCLE: Those members of a drug crew responsible for enforcement and soldiering.
NADDIS: DEA’s Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs Information System.
NCIC: The FBI’s National Crime Information Center.
NAGRA: A wearable concealed recording device, now out of date.
No.1: Police term used to describe a black or dark-skinned person.
No.2: Police term used to describe a white or light-skinned person.
OIC: Officer in charge, either of a sector, a shift, or a unit.
OFF THE HOOK: Wild, crazed, out of control.
OFF-SITE: An office used to house a police detail that is apart from the regular police districts and established unit offices. Usually used for a single, complex case, such as a wiretap probe.
The Wire Page 43
