“I want to experience life.” She could feel her face flush with heated emotion. “And no one is going to keep me from it. Glory, Delaware, has nothing to offer me. Absolutely nothing. I’ve lived every one of my twenty-three years in a desolate nowhere with nothing to offer. I will not trade one small town for another!”
She turned from him then and raced for the safety of the house.
Amy padded by the family room, where she heard the television playing softly. She should go in and check on the twins, say her good-nights, but she was physically trembling from having lied to Pierce so thoroughly and she didn’t want the boys to see her in this state.
However, her steps slowed as she passed the doorway and then halted altogether when she heard her name being called. Funny how she could tell which child had spoken just by the sound of his voice. She hadn’t needed to see Jeremiah’s tiny scar to know who had called out to her.
She turned and paused in the family-room doorway. “Yes? I’m right here.”
“Could you hand me my drink, please?” he asked, his voice low. “I can’t reach it.”
“Of course.” She was surprised when she entered the dimly lit room and saw that both boys had moved from the floor, where their sleeping bags had been set up, to the couch. Benjamin was fast asleep, his head resting on Jeremiah’s shoulder.
As she reached for the glass, she asked him, “Would you like me to move Benjamin to his sleeping bag?”
“Oh, no. We have a pact. If one of us falls asleep, the other is supposed to wake him up. This movie is almost over, so I thought I’d let him rest until it was time for the next show.”
He grasped the glass and took a drink. “Thanks.” He handed it over and she put it back on the table.
Amy noticed that Jeremiah had quenched his thirst while keeping his shoulders as still as possible.
“It’s good to have someone to lean on,” the child innocently observed.
A flash of heartrending emotion had her blinking back stinging tears.
“When Mommy and Daddy first talked about going to Africa,” he continued, “they thought that Mommy should stay here with us. But me and Benjamin talked about it. We didn’t like thinking that Daddy would be all alone. My brother and me have each other. Daddy needed to have someone, too. He was going to be an awfully long way from home.”
The knot that had formed in her throat made it difficult to speak. “You’re a good brother, Jeremiah. And a good son, too.”
“Benjamin would let me lean my head on him if I got tired. That’s what’s so good about having someone, ya know?”
A scalding tear welled and slipped silently down her cheek. She swiped at it quickly and sniffed. She didn’t answer him. She simply couldn’t.
Movement at the threshold of the room made her lift her gaze. Pierce’s green eyes were on her. She knew from his expression that he’d heard the entire exchange…had witnessed her emotional response.
She tried to guess what he was feeling. Hurt, that much was clear from the turbulent shadows clouding his gaze. But he was bewildered, as well. Why, he probably wondered, did she find a little boy’s ramblings so heartrending when she’d just made a hard-line declaration that no one and nothing would keep her from her dreams?
She’d led Pierce to believe that it was her quest for adventure, for life experiences, that was keeping her from having a relationship with him. That was a lie, plain and simple.
And she didn’t like the feeling the fib churned up in her. It wasn’t who she was…or who she wanted to be.
Perception be damned.
He deserved the truth. Even if it meant his opinion of her would completely change.
Amy straightened her spine, and then she approached Pierce.
“Can I talk to you in your study? There’s something you need to know.”
His mouth, the one that had been so pliant, so pleasurable when he’d kissed her, was pursed tight. She feared he might refuse, but then he offered her a single stiff nod before stalking off toward the study.
Never before had she cared so much about what someone might think of her. She’d realized out there by the bay that she loved this man. With every fiber of her being.
But wasn’t that just her luck? To discover she’d lost her heart to a man at the very moment she was going to have to tell him the truth about herself? A truth that would leave him disappointed, disillusioned and dismayed.
With leaden feet she followed him down the hall.
When she entered the study she saw that Pierce had gone to the bar. He reached over the wine bottle and went straight for the Scotch. He poured two fingers of the amber liquid into a crystal highball glass before turning to face her.
“Would you like a drink?”
“No.” Her reasoning needed to be fully sober if she was going to tell him her story without breaking down like a crybaby. Keeping her humiliation to a minimum would be the best she could hope for at this point.
The wood of the door was cool against her fingertips as she closed it and moved farther into the room. She moistened her lips, her chest expanding in a nerve-steeling inhalation.
“I have a confession to make.”
The deep breath she’d just taken did little to quiet the butterflies that fluttered furiously in the pit of her belly.
He didn’t say a word, just stood across the room staring at her.
“I—I wasn’t…quite truthful with you,” she began, the words coming with excruciating slowness, “out there…tonight.”
Tension forced her to swallow, but her dry throat made the effort difficult. She looked away from him, spending an inordinate amount of energy on crossing the room and settling herself on the leather sofa in order to avoid his verdant stare.
Her eyes latched onto the blown-glass paperweight on the table in front of her. “I explained to you early on how I felt about relationships, about marriage, about children. How I felt they were traps that would keep me from achieving my dreams of seeing whatever was outside my tiny hometown of Lebo. I felt as if I might as well shrivel up and die if I had to remain in Kansas for the rest of my life.”
She saw how her fingers had laced themselves tightly in her lap. Her knees and ankles were pressed together and her spine was straight as she perched on the edge of the couch.
“I told you how I had watched as my friends settled down, one after an other, and had families. And how I felt their choices forever entangled them in dull and monotonous lives. And how I never, ever wanted that for myself.
“Well—” her brow furrowed “—my time here with the boys, with you, has taught me quite a lot about…well, about life. Being with the three of you these past weeks has made me adjust my thinking.”
The urge to look him in the face welled up, but she simply couldn’t bring herself to do it just yet.
“I—I’ve come to the conclusion that all those friends of mine, the ones who found…”
Love, she nearly said.
“The ones who found husbands, the ones who had children…I believe they all knew something that I didn’t.” Her sigh was shaky, and she was oh-so-careful to keep her eyes lowered. “And that realization has so much to do with what Jeremiah had to say in there just now.
“All this time…” Her tone took on a dreamlike quality, as if she were working this out, speaking to no one but herself, and that somehow made the task easier. “I’ve had this idea that out there, somewhere, anywhere other than where I was, I would find this nebulous excitement that I craved. But being here—” with you“—has taught me that anyplace can be an exciting paradise filled with unimaginable adventure.”
The room felt utterly still, and although her logical mind screamed at her to keep her eyes off Pierce, she couldn’t prevent her chin from rising, couldn’t stop her gaze from searching for and finding his face.
Oh, Lord. Rather than acknowledging what her time here had taught her, she should have gone ahead and confessed her truth. Judging from the light in his eyes, her revelati
on had succeeded only in planting a seed of hope in him. And it was swiftly sprouting.
Frowning, she shook her head slowly, and the brightness in his gaze faded. Amy felt as if she’d stomped on his budding hope. It had to be done. There was no avoiding it.
Anguish nicked her heart with painful pinpricks.
“There are things about me, Pierce. Things you don’t know. Things that would change your opinion of me. You don’t know me. I’m not—” Apprehension had her throat muscles hitching. “I’m not the person you think I am.”
He set his drink on the side table and rounded the chair that had separated them.
“This is about you?” He sounded quite shocked. “I thought this was about me. That there was something wrong with me. That there was something about me you detested.”
“What?” She couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice. Then her tone softened as she added, “You’re perfect, Pierce. Perfect in every way.”
Knowing that she’d revealed too much, Amy was astonished when he didn’t react to her compliment.
He sat down next to her, but he didn’t touch her. “There’s nothing you could tell me, Amy, that would change how I feel about you.”
Panic set in. “Please know that I never intended you to learn about my past. I like the Amy you think I am. I like what I see when you look at me. The truth will change that. I can tell from the expression in your eyes that you think I’m capable and competent and strong and smart—”
His hands were warm when they took hold of hers. His grip was firm, and her body flushed with heat.
“You are the Amy I think you are. How could you be anything else? I’ve gotten to know you. I’ve seen you with the boys. You’ve loved them, cared for them, laughed with them, taught them. You’ve helped me take care of them. You’ve cared for me. You’ve helped me with my work. You’ve cared enough about me to force me to change my thinking about myself. Even when I was angry with you for doing it.”
It would have been so easy to lose herself in the depths of those soulful eyes of his, to drown in them. But that would be a mistake.
“You are capable and competent and strong and smart. You’re an amazing woman, Amy. I’ve already told you that’s how I feel. I can’t believe you’d think anything else about yourself.”
Her heart wrenched. She had to end this. And she had to do it now.
“I’m not the woman for you. You have to believe me.” She tried to pull her hands free, but he held fast.
She could hear her pulse pounding as she lifted her gaze to his.
“I’ve never met a woman like you.” His voice wrapped around her like a silken scarf. “I don’t plan to let you go easily.”
With the rounding of her spine, her spirit slumped.
Tucking her chin to her chest, she whispered, “Y-you’re the smartest person I’ve ever met, Pierce. I—I’m not your intellectual equal. I’m not self-assured, or proficient at anything. I’m not—”
“What are you talking about? You were so proficient that you had me quaking in my boots when you first arrived.”
“Perception.” She whispered the word, then closed her eyes. “My instructor in flight attendant school drilled into me that perception is everything. It was there, during my training stint, that I created the Amy who is sitting here beside you right now.”
This confession was stealing the very soul out of her. Her tone got weaker with each sentence she spoke.
She couldn’t look into his face. Oh, he was going to be so disappointed. He was going to be mortified that he’d ever touched her, kissed her, that he’d ever considered having a relationship with her. He was going to be angry with her for leading him to believe that she was something she was not.
“I don’t understand.”
Finally she could take the strain no longer. “I didn’t finish school.”
His brow furrowed, then he looked relieved. “Is that all? Lots of people don’t finish college, Amy. Cynthia didn’t. She met John when he was invited to speak at her campus, they fell in love and she quit school to get married. This is no big deal. In fact, lots of people don’t attend a single college course.”
“High school. I didn’t finish high school.”
It was clear that the notion had never entered his head. “B-but how can that be? You speak French. You’ve taught the boys to count. You helped me translate that letter.”
“I dabble in what, to me, is a romantic language. I listen to audiotapes and recite what I hear. It’s no more complicated than that.”
He must have realized that he’d sounded accusatory. “I wasn’t judging you.”
“It’s okay. I understand.” This time when she attempted to pull her hands from his, she succeeded. Well, she decided miserably, at least the finality of it all was sinking into his head. He was letting her go. If not consciously, then at least on a subliminal level.
“How could something like this happen in this day and age?” he asked.
She lifted one shoulder in a slight shrug. “A couple of months into my senior year, my father contracted pneumonia. He was very ill. We couldn’t afford to hire more help, so I took some time off school to keep the motel running. Weeks turned into months. And just when I thought I was going to go back, Dad had a relapse. This time his hospital stay was two full weeks. The illness took its toll. Dad’s stamina never returned. I just didn’t feel I could leave him to go back and get my diploma.”
Reaching out, he curled his index finger under her chin and tipped up her face.
“Amy, you said before that your father had sacrificed so much for you. That he’d done everything in his power to keep you with him.”
She searched his green eyes, feeling breathless.
“I think you need to give yourself a little more credit. You’ve made quite a sacrifice yourself.”
Her cheeks tinged pink. “I did it because…well, because we had to keep the business going. I love my dad. And that business was everything to him.” After a short pause, she said, “I do know what I’ve forfeited. That’s why I’ve been so adamant about my life goals. I wanted my turn. I felt I deserved it.”
The silence grew awkward for her, but Pierce looked relaxed, comfortable in it as he contemplated something…what exactly, she couldn’t say. All she was cognizant of was her embarrassment. When she’d arrived here, she’d never imagined she’d be telling Pierce the truth about her uneducated state. She’d been looked down upon by a great number of people in her lifetime; however, she hadn’t fallen in love with any of them.
“What were you when all this happened—”
The question baffled her.
“Seventeen? Eighteen?” he clarified. Evidently he wasn’t looking for an answer from her, but instead plowed ahead with his thoughts. “You were a teenager, taking care of your sick father and running a business. You nursed your father. And the business succeeded well enough that a major hotel chain offered to buy you out.”
Again the suffocating quiet covered them and she felt as if she wanted to gasp for air.
“I think,” Pierce said at last, “that your accomplishments make you pretty damned capable, pretty damned strong and pretty damned smart.”
Sometime during his speech he’d taken hold of her hand again. She hadn’t a clue when that had been. Amy felt as if she’d had the wind knocked out of her. She’d expected him to be appalled by the truth. Disgusted by her lack of education. Most people were.
“I love you, Amy. I’ve seen your sharp mind at work. I’ve seen your caring nature. I want you to marry me. I want you to have my children.”
She couldn’t believe her ears. How could he suggest such an outrageous notion?
“That can’t happen!” she blurted, ire and humiliation flaring. “What would we tell our children, Pierce? Daddy is smart enough to create something that no one else could even conceive of. Mommy, on the other hand, wasn’t able to finish high school.”
The mere idea of explaining her past to sweet and innocen
t babies she and Pierce might create threw her into a complete tailspin. However, through the panicky miasma came a slow and arduous realization. The man who has stolen your heart has just professed that he loves you, that he wants you to be his wife.
Even though you’ve told him the humiliating truth.
How could he want her? When he knew all the things she was not?
She hadn’t expected this, and the bewilderment she felt had her falling speechless. But he didn’t seem the least put off by her silence.
“A person doesn’t need a piece of paper to define who they are, Amy,” he said.
“That’s easy for you to say. All you have to do is look up on the wall there at all your degrees and diplomas.”
He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, slid close enough that their thighs were pressed tightly together.
“All those traits you thought you created…”
A tone isn’t something that Amy ever imagined would have texture and form, but his voice contained a quality somewhat akin to liquid gold. It flowed over her, through her, filling her with an array of conflicting emotions that ricocheted and collided like an explosion of fireworks.
“Well, you’ve always had those characteristics in you. They’ve always been a part of who you are. If you hadn’t possessed them, no amount of acting would have conjured them up.”
Amy studied his face, his eyes. Hard. Could it be that his faith in her was stronger than the misery of her past?
“I—I,” she stammered, “don’t know what to say.”
“Say you love me.”
He believed in her!
When she didn’t respond immediately, he repeated, “Say you love me.”
Oh, she did! Pure elation surged through her. But then darker emotions made a fierce attack.
Tears of anguish made her vision go blurry. “B-but if we were to have…”
Children was the word she couldn’t get her tongue to utter. The idea of having Pierce’s children was still so amazingly foreign to her that she couldn’t quite wrap her mind around it. But he knew what she was referring to—she could tell from the way his expression softened.
The Nanny's Plan Page 14
