by Jaci Wheeler
“Serious? Not date only?”
“Serious boyfriend yes.”
“Two. One high school, one college. High school boyfriend one year. College two year, but date more for parents. Parents like him. Family friend. Want me date him. Nice guy, like me but common nothing. Never felt…connection. Bond.” She leaves off the ‘like I do with you’ but she doesn’t have to say it because I already know.
“Girlfriend me never.” Her eyebrows go up skeptically, and she’s about to call me a liar, but I put a hand up. “Girls, yes. Girlfriend no.” She scowls at this and I realize I might be making things worse, not better.
“After Mom die, hard time me. No physical touch, no affection me. Dad look at me not. Touch me not. Talk only Codi. Lonely deep. Sometime feel like can’t breathe, feel invisible. One night Casen force go party. Girl like how look me. Heard drag race me. Not ask my name. Not care. Not want talk her. First time many months someone touch me. Dance all night. First time feel alive, feel seen.” I hate remembering back to that night; in fact I try not to. The elation I felt, the need, the belonging. The connecting to another person, the touch that proved I was alive and could be seen. Then to have it all crash down in the harsh light of day. “Next morning, girl gone. No note, no number. See at school two days later, know me not.”
“I’m so sorry, B.”
“Not need sorry you. Just want you know not player me. Not want many girls, but want connection. After first girl, another and another. Care not personality. Care not talk me. When with them feel connection, feel wanted. Fake yes. But for one moment not feel broken. Words needed not. Ears needed not.” I know I’m blushing, my face feels hot and I hate admitting this to her. She’s also pink.
“Don’t care about girls, Barrett. Past.”
“Yes, past. Different you, P. You see me. First person long time see deep. Care deep. Not need words, not need sign, touch deep. Scare me…but good scare. First time feel connection without physical. Know not much experience physical you. Not much experience emotional me. Maybe learn together?”
She smiles wide and takes a drink of water. Just then the server brings our food and lingers longer than needed when putting mine down. Presley waits until she walks away and sends me a sweet smile. “Girls look all want. You mine. Touch you—” She’s makes her point by jabbing the air a few times with her fork and I can’t help the chuckle that escapes me.
“Easy, tiger.” She growls, and just like that the heavy talk is lightened. I should have known she wouldn’t judge me.
It’s nice to be back to work and driving again. Racing season starts in a few weeks and I’m stoked, but with that comes dread. Spring has always meant the racing circuit and nothing else, but now it means I’m that much closer to graduation, and for the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan. The plan was always to stay home and work as much as I can and race whenever I’m not working. Maybe do a few street races to make sure the money is good, set it aside for Codi to go to college…but now, well, now I have a blank slate.
My guidance counselor has stayed pretty quiet for the most part. I was expecting her to pounce as soon as I returned to school, but she wisely waited. She called me into her office for a routine check-in to make sure I’m not behind in any classes and I’m sure to fish about what I’m going to do. But guess what, I have no freaking clue, lady.
“Hello, Barrett. How are you doing today? “
“Fine, thank you. And yourself?” Jermain voices for me.
“I’m good, thank you.” She folds her hands, looks up, and smiles sweetly at me.
“I’m so glad to see your hands are better now. How is school? Were you able to catch up okay?”
“Yes, school is fine. The tutor actually helped me more than catch up, my grades are the best they’ve ever been. My uncle has been helping me with my English, so I’ve pulled my grade up to passing.” She beams at this new information, which I’m sure she already had, since my file is sitting on her desk.
“That’s wonderful news, Barrett, I’m so glad to hear it. Have you given any more thought to life after graduation?” At least she’s not being too pushy…at the moment, anyway.
“Yes, I’ve given it thought. That’s all I can do is think about what will happen, and to be honest, I just don’t know. I don’t think I can move on and go where you want, it just doesn’t seem right. Yet staying here and doing nothing with my life doesn’t seem right either, so I’m not sure what to do.” Her face loses its smile and she reaches across the desk and places her hand on mine.
“I understand, Barrett. I’m not here to harass you into going to college. Do I want what is best for you? Yes. Do I think Gallaudet is a perfect fit for you? Of course. But that’s not your only option. What I want for you is to further your education no matter where that is. Gallaudet I think would just be an easier transition, but you’ve never taken the easy way out before.” She tosses me a smile and I can’t help but smile back. “I looked into several colleges around that have a good signing program and strong student service centers. Here is a list. Another option is to go to a school of your choice and have them provide an interpreter.” She smiles at Jermain. “The point is you have options. Apply to as many schools as you can now. Visit them, go to the classes, talk to the student service department. I believe in you, Randy believes in you, you have a support system, and I just wanted you to know that.”
I don’t know what to say since I’m actually on the verge of tears. I’ve always known Randy believed in me, and of course my brother did, but I’ve never had anyone else. To see that she genuinely cares touches me. I’m horrible at expressing my emotions, so I just sit there and look at her for a moment. Then I do something very out of character for me and I hug her.
“Thank you,” I rasp out. It’s the first time I’ve ever voiced to her and you can see the surprise all over her face. That, along with the hug, have thrown her for a loop today. She holds me by the shoulders and speaks slow and clear.
“You are very welcome, Barrett. You’ve got this. One step at a time, okay?” I nod and turn back to Jermain.
“Have a nice day,” he voices for me as I walk out without looking back.
I only have two classes left today and both are electives. I know I shouldn’t blow them off, but I need to talk this over with someone, and Presley is the only one I want to do that with. She is such a big part of my life, and I’m hoping she’ll want to factor herself into this decision. I head straight for my car and decide to stop in on her earlier than planned.
CHAPTER 35
Presley
Jodi walks in and plops down on my bed where I’m listening to music and trying to write a paper. I take off my headphones and close my laptop.
“Hey girl, where have you been?”
“I’ve been in the health center all freaking morning!” she groans out dramatically as she lays down next to me.
“Oh yeah, finally getting that pesky STD taken care of?” I joke and get smacked for it.
“Very funny. I finally talked Zeek into letting me take him in.”
“So was it the bird flu like you thought?” I don’t bother hiding my smirk.
“Oddly enough no, just bronchitis, so he will live another day. Too bad, too…I was able to find a hazmat suit on Amazon and everything.”
“Well, maybe he’ll come down with the swine flu and you still can.”
“Oh, a girl can hope.” She nudges me and then hops up. “I almost forgot to give you this.” She leans down and fishes something out of her bag and hands it over.
“What is it?”
“Since I was there so long, I read through every single pamphlet they had. I thought you might actually find this one interesting, maybe you can pass it on to Barrett.”
“Cochlear implants? Hmm. I don’t think so, Jodi. He’s never brought it up and I would feel weird broaching this topic. I’m sure if it was an option and something he wanted, it would have been discussed by now, so I’m guessing he hasn’t done i
t for a reason. I don’t feel comfortable asking him.”
“That’s cool. I wasn’t sure, and when I saw it, I thought of you, that’s all. I hate to run again already, but I don’t want to be late for my class, so I gotta jet. I just wanted to let you know I’m going to be late tonight cuz I promised Zeek I’d stop in after class and bring him soup, so don’t wait up.”
“Okay, have fun,” I say as I toss the pamphlet on the dresser and pick my headphones back up.
When I’m in the zone I never realize how fast time goes by. I’m just about done with my paper when my headphones are lifted off my ears and I scream. A sheepish looking Barrett shyly smiles back. He signs sorry and I try and find my normal heart rhythm, which seems to still want to gallop out of my chest.
“Scare me to death.”
“Me knock again, again, again many time,” he signs.
“Sorry. Zone, me hear nothing,” I sign back, and point to my headphones. “I’m just about done,” I voice and then catch myself. “Wait you five minutes finish me?” I sign.
“Fine, finish, you hurry not. Come early surprise you,” he easily signs back and I smile.
“Surprise work. How get in?”
“Girl come in same time.”
We have a little TV that sits on top of our mini fridge. I point to the TV and then to the remote that’s on my dresser. He smiles and heads to the dresser to grab the remote. It’s not until he freezes that I remember what I carelessly left on the dresser.
“Not what think you.”
“Not cochlear implant information?” he signs, giving me a sarcastic look. I jump off the bed, toss the pamphlet in the trash, and grab both his hands. I make sure he’s looking at me.
“Yes. Jodi pick it up, but not want it me. Not for you.”
“So, for another deaf person you know then?” he voices, his tone laced with ice. Lord, this is not going well. Why didn’t I just throw it away as soon as she gave it to me?
“Stop,” I sign. “You know how feel me.”
“Obviously not, you keep for reason.”
“Not,” I plead. “Promise.”
He’s signing so fast now there is no way I can understand him. I can pick out words here and there and I’m not liking where this is going at all. I catch something about you hearing girls, and always the same, and I’m livid, so I do the only thing I can think of, and that’s grab his hands to stop him. From the look of horror on his face, it was clearly the wrong thing to do, and I drop them like they are on fire.
“Sorry. Sign fast you. Can’t understand.”
“Hearing girl can’t understand , voice me must,” he angrily signs. I’ve never seen him so bitter or angry…obviously this stems from something deeper, and I can’t help but wonder if we were doomed from the beginning.
“It’s always the same, Presley. Although you last longer most, I give you that. It become too hard? Your friends embarrassed? What?”
“No.” I say it much more calmly than I feel. “No, Barrett, you can’t speak to me this way. Understand mad and hurt you. But lashing out years of pent-up frustration on me isn’t fair.” I am signing and voicing, but because I’m so flustered my sign is slipping.
“And my life fair?”
“No, it isn’t. But not my fault. Stop acting like it is, please.”
“No, but you want me hearing is. Sorry not good enough for you, but like who I am me. Proud who I am. Proud Deaf man. Not go under brain surgery—”
“Not asking you.” I cut him off. “Not even giving me chance explain, Barrett.”
“Because hear all before. Same story, different girl.”
Ouch.
“Hurt me you lump me in category. Just another hearing girl me? How would you like if call you just another deaf guy?”
“Wouldn’t, but lot people think that. Think Deaf people same, should want hear.” He signs this softly, almost delicately, and I try to put my emotions aside and see how this is affecting him so I can try and put myself in his place. It’s hard to do when you’re mad, but I know he’s lashing out because he’s hurt. Lashing back doesn’t help either of us.
“Can’t understand you. That problem, Pres. Not try hurt you say that, deaf girls understand where coming from me, understand my struggle and battles every day.”
“Tell me! Want understand; want fight them with you but need let me. Tell me what like, how feel you. Keep inside and explode on me when fight not help, Barrett. Need let me in.” I’m a hot mess of sign and voice, anger and heartbreak. He doesn’t say anything, just eyes me for a moment. I can tell he isn’t sure and he’s weighing his options. His shoulders slump and he lets out a long shaky breath, then comes and sits next to me. He starts to talk and I stop him.
“Sign, just slower please.”
“No. This is too important for you to miss anything. I never talk about this, but I will for you, and not going to repeat myself, so need you to catch all.” He both signs and voices so I don’t miss anything, which is understandable. Since we’ve been together, I’ve gotten so much better at my signing, but I’m still new, so I miss a lot and he knows that. His speech isn’t bad, even though he’s self-conscious of it. He doesn’t pronounce his s or th sounds clearly and consonants are hard, but I’m used to that and can understand him fine.
“When you engulfed in silence, there certain type loneliness that you become accustomed. Most people used to others’ daily sounds, when alone, quiet, loneliness sets in, because reminds them there no one around to make sound.” I nod, following his reasoning clearly. “When deaf, become accustomed silence. Silence not enemy, silence comfort, normal. Know you when feel loneliest me?”
The way he asks is so desperate that I know his answer is going to rip at my soul. I don’t trust myself to speak, so I just shake my head.
“Not when alone, but middle crowded room. Worst type loneliness ever feel. Large group situation, big dinner. Worst. Conversation on my right try figure out what being said. Can only understand little because many people talk back and forth. Turn left me see if can understand what said but now laughing. Miss joke me, but when turn back right those people catch joke, laughing too. Everyone look me, question on face, because I only one not laughing. Chuckle me hide confusion. Now joke finish, so sit there me with dumb grin on my face for no reason and worst, absolutely worst part, realization that spreads across everyone face. Instant mood killer and I am cause…every time. One thing flashes across every single face, pity. The wave of realization that poor guy have no freaking clue what happening. Out of courtesy everyone stop talking, and then big, awkward silence.”
He isn’t looking at me but through me. His eyes and thoughts are somewhere in the past reliving the emotions all over again. Each one plays out on his face and it takes everything in me not to grab and hold him and bring him back into the now.
“Deaf me, silence fine, but not awkward ‘know everyone would be talking not for me silence.’ Try start up conversation so not weird, people jump chance relieve awkwardness. But now all ten-people try add opinion and then right back where started trying figure out who talking and what said. My eyes ping pong back forth one person to next, try keep up, and now much worse because I start conversation, so people expect me interact.”
His shoulders slump and he puts his face in his hands. This is a different kind of agony than I’ve ever seen in him before.
“Exhausting, Pres. Happens more time can count, never fail hit breaking point. Point when get bone deep loneliness because know only one who drowning in sea of sound—me. Only one at table doesn’t belong.”
He takes a moment to compose himself and I can see how hard he’s trying to hold it together. Barrett always tries to look at the positive, never wanting to tell me how badly he is affected by a situation, the fact that he’s laying himself bare right now must be killing him. Once he is composed enough to continue, he goes on.
“Do what do best me, nod, smile, say next time better will. But know what? Never better. Loneliness just as
acute, self-hatred just as strong because find yourself wishing weren’t Deaf, that can be same everyone else. That worst part because really like who I am. Not see Deafness bad. Have whole community people who understand me. Have language, culture, support network not bad…except those dinners. Or in movie theater, or store where play song everyone know but you. Those moments, feel all alone me. Only people who fully understand , people same me. Deaf.”
He says this last part with such shame that I can’t keep the tears from falling.
“So that’s it then?” I can barely choke the words out. I swore I’d never let a guy see me cry. I’ve never wanted to give one the power before. But with Barrett it’s not about power. I know my tears hurt him almost as much as they hurt me. I can’t stand to bring him anymore pain, so I choke them back. He obviously doesn’t buy it because he groans in frustration.
“That not reason, Pres. Wish was, because can be lonely for you.” He sighs again and I can tell he’s getting frustrated. “Not explaining right.”
He takes a moment to think, he does this a lot, so I know he’s trying to think of the perfect word to accompany the sign.
“This hard part about reading lips, signing. Want hold you now but…one second.” He moves my desk chair so that it is directly in front of the dresser mirror. Then he sits down and pulls me to sit on his lap, wrapping his arms around me so he can still sign and see me in the mirror.
“Okay, ASL different signs, similar words. Dating, girlfriend, sweetheart, wife.” He looks at me expectantly, making sure I’ve caught all the signs and their meanings, and I nod for him to continue.
“Sign different others.” He closes the pointer finger and thumb together to make the “okay” sign with both hands, then hooks those together. “Connect, to join. Mean same, one mind, one understanding. Reason why different than relationship sign. More only date, more only with someone.”
Now this I completely understand, and it breaks me because it’s completely out of my control.
