Silent Song

by Jaci Wheeler

“Impossible for us to achieve, is that what you are saying?” The tears are back, but I don’t think he notices because they are in his eyes too.

  “Best friend you theatre major.”

  “She’s also an E N G I N E E R I N G major too, though,” I lamely add. He smiles in a way that breaks my heart, because we both know exactly what he means, but I refuse to go down without a fight.

  “Sing karaoke, watch Jodi’s plays, sing radio in car, musical parties all favorite you, Pres. Love that me. Love how much fun you have together. Want that for you. Not want you stop, worry missing out me, have stop every minute explain what happening me. Deserve someone who don’t have do that for. You deserve connect.” He kisses me softly, yet I cling desperately to him, refusing to let this be good-bye. But I can taste it, in our desperation, in our heartache, that good-bye is exactly what this is. I cling to the desperation like an addict. Knowing it’s bad for you and that you should stop, but knowing once you stop, you will always need it, always crave it. So, I refuse to end the kiss. Sensing this, he breaks the kiss and lifts me off his lap and back onto the chair. He never looks back as he walks out my door.

  I shatter.

  I’m not sure if I sit for five minutes or five hours, but I wait until I am not gasping for breath and hyperventilating before I call Jodi. I have no clue where she is, but I know she will drop everything to come, and that’s all I need right now, to not be alone with my thoughts any longer. I take a deep breath and call her.

  “Hey girl, I’m kinda in the middle of something here, so on a scale of opening a pickle jar to hiding the body, how important is this?” she whispers into the phone, and I’m caught between a sob and a laugh, but I’m pretty sure all that comes out is the sobbing of her name.

  “Crap, hiding the body it is. On my way.”

  Great, and now I’m back to sobbing again. I have no clue if she was in class or at Zeek’s, but either way she must have mowed down half the student body to get here as fast as she did, but I don’t ask questions as the door flies open and she gathers me in her arms.

  “What’s wrong, love?” I try to talk but I know I’m not making any sense.

  “Bbbarrrett,” I manage to squeak out, and she nods, and then just holds me. At some point I fall asleep, and when I wake, it’s pitch black out.

  “Do you feel like talking now?” I realize I’m still draped across her lap.

  “Oh geez, I’m so sorry, Jodi. You could have woken me.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it. Now, how about you fill me in?” I sit up and take a deep breath. I’m pretty sure I cried myself dry, so I don’t think I’m at risk of losing it again. I fill her in on everything that happened, and just as I knew it would, her face drops when I tell her the reason for the fight.

  “Oh my God, Pres, I am so sorry. I can’t believe I started all of this.”

  “No, I do not accept your apology because it is in no way your fault. I’m actually glad you brought that brochure because this conversation really needed to happen. If it didn’t happen today, it would have happened eventually. It has nothing to even do with that, it was just the catalyst.”

  “So you really think it’s over?”

  “I do. You should have seen him when he left, he was so broken and raw. It wasn’t a usual breakup, Jo; it gutted us both. You could tell he didn’t want to leave, but it was like he knew it would only make things worse in the long run if he didn’t.”

  “I call bull.” I’m so shocked at this that my mouth must hang open because she laughs. “Really, Pres, I think it’s crap. You guys are perfect together, and so what if you’ll never understand each other perfectly? Opposites attract for a reason. You can be his strength and he can be yours where you are weak, that’s what a good relationship is all about. Don’t let his insecurities ruin what you have.” I start to feel the first spark of hope at her words.

  “But if he’s done with me, there’s nothing I can do.”

  “Says who? Why do you think the grand gesture was made then?”

  “Grand gesture?”

  “You know boom box over the head, a thousand yellow daisies, meet me on the pitcher’s mound. Grand gestures say you aren’t going to take no for an answer and that you are willing to put yourself out there and possibly be rejected because you care so much. The grand gesture always works.” I can’t help the eyeroll I give her.

  “Those are all movies, Jodi, things don’t work like that in real life.” Not at all put off by that, Jodi continues with gusto.

  “Sure they do, the problem is nobody does them in real life. You need to take a last stand. Prove to him that he is wrong, and that you can feel how he feels. That you can connect, you can understand him, and not only that, you two can be better together than either of you can apart.”

  “This all sounds amazing, but what exactly could I do?”

  “Well, that’s where my brilliance runs out, but I’m sure you’ll think of something. What you need to do is put yourself in his shoes. Wear ear plugs if you have to and find a way to reach him that nobody else could. Use your strengths to reach him.” Something she says just clicks and I can’t help when the spark of hope turns into a full-fledged fire within me.

  “I can show him through music, that’s it!” Now Jodi is looking at me like I’ve clearly lost it, but she isn’t sure how to break it to me.

  “Um, Pres, that wasn’t really—”

  “No, it’ll be perfect, Jo, just think about it. Music is my life, right? It’s the one area that he is certain he could never understand, therefore never be a part of. All I have to do now is prove that he can.”

  “How exactly are you going to do that? Um…I don’t think I like that look you’re giving me.”

  “I’m going to use every single sense he has to experience sound…and you, my brilliant friend, are going to help me.”

  “That’s what I was afraid of.” Even though she says it, the twinkle in her eyes tell me another story. There’s nothing Jodi loves more than a good challenge that she can attack from all angles.

  CHAPTER 36

  Presley

  I bury myself into everything that I do. I refuse to give my mind any downtime to think, because if I think, I’m broken, but if I work, I’m determined. I find a new purpose in my job as I work with the kids. My single goal is to bridge the gap and show them everything I can any way that I can. I can tell that Zeek and Jodi are worried about me, but thankfully they keep their comments to themselves. When I’m not working or doing school work, I’m pouring myself into my project. What started out as my mission to get B back soon turned into my reason for being.

  As much as I want him back, if I’m not what’s best for him, then I will learn to accept it. What I can’t accept is him feeling less. I can’t stand the thought of him not being able to experience what I do every day. The idea of him being in a crowd of people and feeling like the last man on earth eats at me. It drives me every day. It’s been months since I’ve started my special project. The same amount of time since I’ve last had any word or sight of Barrett.

  Randy called me once, trying to figure out what happened. He said he’s never seen B like this and he shut down completely, not telling Randy a thing. I told him out of respect for B, all I would say is what he guessed, that we aren’t together any longer. From my sobs, I’m sure he figured out it was complicated and he ended the call, letting me know that I could contact him anytime.

  I finally got the nerve last week to text him. I told him I didn’t want any details, but asked when B’s graduation was. I promised I wouldn’t show up, but that I needed to know. It was two weeks sooner than I was expecting, so everything has been bumped up to panic mode, which is why I’m now barking orders like a drill sergeant and why Zeek and Jodi have dubbed me ‘The Music Nazi.’ One of the engineers knocked one of the glass cylinders against another, causing everyone to jump. I was on him in a second flat.

  “James, I swear to everything that is good and holy, if you crack, dent, or brea
k one of those, you will be praying for a quick death, do you understand me?”

  “Whoa, I’m all for a good male roast when needed, but I think you need to take it down a notch there, love. Remember they aren’t getting paid for this.” I go to cut her off and Jodi raises her hand to stop me. “I understand they are getting a final grade, but half of them are willing to flunk just to be done with you.” She is dead serious and it gives me pause.

  “Have I really been that bad?”

  “Worse,” Zeek says, coming up behind me. “I’m getting ready to lead the revolt myself…even if you are my Christine.”

  “I’m so sorry, guys, I know I’ve been unbearable…it’s just this has to go well. It has to. If it doesn’t…”

  “We know what’s riding on this, sweetie, we do. But you need to give yourself a break.”

  “Not to mention the crew, you’ve been a bit ridiculous,” Jodi adds.

  “I’m ridiculous? Says the girl wearing hotdog leggings!” She is seriously wearing bright blue leggings with little hotdogs in buns on her pants while calling me ridiculous.

  “These are totally kitschy, and kitsch is in, so shut your face.” I roll my eyes but I guess they are right, I have some making up to do.

  “Okay, everyone, I need your attention,” I yell and get groans in return, which I choose to ignore. “I’m calling a mandatory break. I’m ordering pizzas, and everyone is to take an hour off.” The cheers of excitement and looks of shock I receive proves just how horrible I’ve been.

  “Yikes…that bad huh?”

  “Worse,” they say in unison.

  “It’s going to be beautiful, love. You’ve put your heart and soul into this, everyone has. It will go smoothly. This will all be up and running by the end of the week. That gives you a whole week of rehearsals and trouble shooting, and it will be fine.”

  “Thanks, Jo, you know I love you, right?”

  “After this? You better name your first born after me.”

  “You’ve got to admit though, getting the Music, Engineering, and Theatre departments to agree to let this be the final project was sheer genius.”

  “The idea might have been yours, dear heart, but Jodi and I were the ones talking everyone into it while you were busy being Mussolini,” Zeek says slapping my butt, which earns him a scowl. Jumping behind Jodi, he peeks out enough to stick out his tongue.

  “We can all agree it was a joint group effort on all our parts, children,” Jodi scolds.

  “Well, I’m off to order pizza and call a meeting with all the team leaders from each department.” This earns another round of scowls and groans from my friends, since they are two of the team leaders.

  “One more week, we can do this,” I hear Jodi tell Zeek as they walk away.

  I chant that over and over for the rest of the night. One more week, we can do this, we can…oh Lord, I’m going to get sick.

  CHAPTER 37

  Barrett

  It’s here, the day I have dreaded for over four years now. Graduation day. Although now that my decision has been made, it’s less scary and more sad. All my memories with Codi are here, more than I can ever forget happened right here on this field. I look over at Randy and he smiles down sadly at me and squeezes my shoulder.

  “Okay you? Want go?”

  “No. Fine me.” I want to take it all in as much as I can. I decided not to walk at graduation. I earned my diploma like everyone else out on the field, but I just didn’t have it in me to go through with the ceremony. It doesn’t feel right to walk without my mom and Codi or…her here. I honestly don’t even think I’ll regret it. Randy supported my decision and didn’t even think I should be in the stands, but I came to support my friends.

  After the ceremony, A.J. and Gabby talk me into going to a party for a while. A last night with all our friends, so I couldn’t say no. Randy took my car home and I join A.J. and Gabby in his. After about two hours at the party of well wishes and keep in touches, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pull it out and about stop breathing at the name on the screen. Everything freezes, my body my breath I think even my heart stops.

  “What wrong?” Gabby looks concerned and pulls on A.J.’s arm to get his attention.

  “P,” is all I have to sign. I see both of their worried looks but I take a deep breath and open the text.

  Presley: Happy Graduation. I’m so proud of you, Barrett. Can you please meet me somewhere? It shouldn’t take long. Please?

  Barrett: Can’t tonight. At party w/A.J. & Gabby. No car.

  I sigh and run my hand through my hair. It’s an excuse. Even if it’s true, it wouldn’t take long for A.J. to take me to my car, or drop me off or have Randy come get me. But I can’t see her. Not tonight. It would destroy me. It’s hard enough as it is tonight, and nothing she could say or do could ease that pain at this point. My decision has been made, and seeing her would only cause doubt. Looking at Gabby and A.J., I can tell they don’t agree. They both thought I gave up too easily. My phone vibrates again and I prepare myself for her reply, but was shocked at what I see below.

  Presley: They can come. Please, Barrett, I’m begging you to please come. You don’t have to say a word to me, I won’t even approach you if you don’t want, but there is something I need you to see. Please.

  Instantly I’m worried. This doesn’t sound like Presley. She isn’t one to beg or push an issue when I’m clearly uncomfortable. What on earth could be so important if she doesn’t even want to talk to me? At the perplexed look on my face, A.J. looks confused, so I just hand him my phone. He reads it several times before he looks to Gabby and raises an eyebrow. I nod and he passes the phone to his girlfriend. She reads it once, and I’m not even sure she read it all the way through before she’s signing with fury.

  “We go now, come.” She starts to walk when she turns back to see us rooted. “Seriously? We go.”

  “Not your decision,” A.J. shoots back, earning him a scowl from Gabby.

  “B, really? Months P say nothing. No text, no accidental meeting, nothing. Now contact you, important must.”

  She is starting to sway me because everything she says is true. I just don’t think I can see her and not need her, crave her. Even if she doesn’t talk to me, just being near her is enough to shatter me. But Gabby is right, what if she needs me? A.J. can sense my inner battle and just shrugs.

  “Decision yours. Whatever want you, fine. Go with you, drop off you. Decision yours.”

  “I go,” I finally say, but feel like I’m going to puke. Gabby jumps up and down a few times and claps her hands.

  “We go too.”

  “G,” A.J. warns.

  “What? P invite us, we go. Not rude me.” Their hostile interaction actually has me laughing, so I nod.

  “Okay, we go.” He finally relents while Gabby starts fist pumping and practically dances to A.J’s car. He shakes his head but you can’t help but see the love he has for her. Presley texts me the address and A.J. puts it into his GPS. My stomach is in knots, and several times I almost tell him to turn around, but I can’t. It’s like she holds an invisible string I can’t cut. She’s tied to me no matter how hard I try—she’s in me. It’s like when you are so cold that no matter what you do, no matter how many layers you put on, you’re still freezing because it’s settled in your bones. That’s Presley, she’s under my skin and buried deep in the marrow of my bones. It’s an ache that no matter how hard I’ve tried to rid myself of her, she’s down deep, settled in. I hate it and I love it all at the same time.

  “Here?” I swallow and nod once as I get out of the car on wooden legs. I look around, seeing that we are at some warehouse that looks totally sketchy. For a split-second I think this might be her getting revenge on me, but before that idea has any time to take root, I dismiss it. Not Pres, that’s not in her. Gabby is still bouncing away with a megawatt smile, and it gives me some courage as I follow her. I’m surprised to find Jodi at the door.

  “Welcome. Happy Graduation.” I’m
shocked to see her sign, so I sign back thank you.

  “Did I do it right?” I nod yes and she smiles. “Sweet. Okay, follow me please.”

  It’s super dark and takes me a moment for my eyes to adjust. There are a few people stationed around the room with flashlights so we can see where we are going. Jodi leads us to the center of the room where there are three chairs set up. She points at us and then the chairs and is gone. I look to my friends, who look just as perplexed as I am. True to her word, Presley is nowhere in sight. Then a spotlight shines and I see a woman I’ve never met before standing on a platform.

  “Welcome. For safety, please stay sit. Stand, move chair, or leave not.” Her skill and ease in her signing tells me she’s an interpreter or at least a CODA. But what she’s saying has me freaked out. What is this? I look to my friends, and Gabby looks like she might burst from excitement. A.J. however, looks like he is ready to throw her over his shoulder and take off. I’m there with him. “If need leave, press button side right chair. Please remove shoes, socks, hold up. Give back, show finish. Enjoy.”

  I reach out and feel the bottom on the side of the chair, but as I touch it, I notice something else, there’s some kind of box attached to the bottom of my chair. I reach over, and sure enough it’s on A.J.’s too. He’s shaking his head, but Gabby already has her shoes off and thrust in the air. He smiles now and follows suit. This has got to be some kind of alternate universe, but I follow, removing mine, and within seconds someone comes by and plucks them from me and in place they leave a…balloon? Sure enough, there is a blown up balloon now in my hand. Another person quickly comes behind me, placing both of my hands on either side of the balloon and then makes sure our feet are flat on the floor.

  We don’t have to wait long before all the flashlights go out. They are replaced by an eerie red light. It starts at the back of the room and sort of rumbles over our bodies. Wait, it’s not just the light, there is actually a rumble going through my body. It’s deep and shakes my core. Then I swear I smell something…cinnamon? The red spotlight goes from us to something right in front of me. A man at a drum. Drum. That’s what I feel. I look and see another spotlight is added, and then another, and so on until we are surrounded by drummers who form a circle around us. The drumming started light as if rolling over us, but it’s picking up speed and the smell of cinnamon is getting stronger, almost like it’s pulsing with the beat.