‘Sorry, way to kill a conversation,’ Beth adds and looks up with a self-deprecating smile. ‘Anyone for more Prosecco?’
It‘s painful to watch her attempt at bravado. I wish I knew Beth better so I could reach out to her. But while I feel awful for her and Tash and Holly a tiny voice screams inside me with frustration that the attempt to voice my own stress has been shot down. I love Mum, but she doesn‘t listen. She can also be kind of scary when crossed and I hate confrontation. Defying Mum has never ended well.
And now I can‘t talk to either of my two closest friends about it without feeling like an ungrateful brat because they‘d do anything to have a mother who loved them.
I sigh. Then, I look at Holly‘s tired face and it occurs to me she might feel like she can‘t complain about any aspect of motherhood to me, for exactly the same sort of reason.
That stings. I don‘t want Holly to have any problems she can‘t talk to me about. Yet, if I‘m being totally honest, I know I find it hard to hear Holly‘s complaints. A part of me always wants to tell her how lucky she is. I also know my belief that if I had a baby I wouldn‘t care about sleepless nights and mastitis is stupid and unrealistic. Of course I would mind them because I‘m human and so is Holly.
When did it all get so bloody complicated? A rush of loneliness sweeps over me. I feel more detached from my friends than ever. I don‘t know how to retrace my steps to recapture the time when there were no barriers between us.
It seems there are some problems even Prosecco and cake can‘t make better.
Chapter 11
LUCY
Hi Lucy, lunch today at my place? I‘ve got someone I want you to meet. Apartement 16 at Belle Neige, I‘m two floors up from Holly and Scott. C u at 1.
I stare at the text. I’ve been waiting, agonising to see if Seb would want to see me again. I know Jake passed on my mobile number to him because Emily checked it was okay with me first. Even so, I’ve had a bad case of the jitters and sleep has been virtually impossible.
I hadn’t expected to feel so different after sex. To feel changed. But I do and it scares me rigid. Sex is a huge deal to me, but probably not to Seb. I’m sure it means no more to him than a need, like eating or drinking. It’s just scratching an itch.
The casual assumption we’re seeing each other again, that I’ll come, both reassures and confuses me. And who on earth does he want me to meet? He’s not talking about a threesome, is he? I know I’m naïve, but you wouldn’t spring it on a new girlfriend, surely? Or friend who happens to be a girl, or … whatever.
Oh crap. Please don’t let it be a sex thing.
I plug my phone on to charge and sit down on my bunk, my lips pursed and my forehead creased. I feel like I’m a beginner skier who should really be on a nursery slope, but instead has taken a wrong turn and is hurtling down a black run. This whole territory is off-piste for me anyway. It’s thrilling and exciting, but possibly catastrophically dangerous.
Hmm.
‘Not skiing today?’ Tash is changing out of jeans and into her salopettes.
The new guests who arrived yesterday are all heading out too. It’s a perfect day for the slopes, with clear, blue skies and fresh powdery snow from an overnight snowfall.
‘No, I don’t think so.’ I bite my lip. ‘Not today.’
‘Are you okay? You’ve been really quiet the last couple of days. Quiet even for you, I mean.’ Tash fastens her salopettes and sits cross-legged on the floor in front of me, examining my face closely.
‘I’m … okay.’ It sounds false, even to me. I stare at Tash uncertainly. She’s used to skiing off-piste, so to speak, when it comes to sex. But is she really someone I want to advise me?
‘Fuck me, you actually did it, didn’t you?’ She raises a perfectly plucked eyebrow.
‘Did what?’ I wish I could stop the flush flooding my cheeks. My body seems determined to give me away. Can she tell? Do I look different somehow?
‘You had sex with Sebastien Laroche. Finally.’ Tash declares triumphantly.
‘Could you announce it a little louder? I’m not sure all our guests heard you.’ I glance anxiously towards the door.
Tash grins. ‘How was it?’
The desire to confide in someone overcomes me.
‘It was much better than you made me think my first time would be.’
‘Lucky girl, not everyone’s first time is that great. Although, that’s probably because they start earlier and sleep with boys who don’t know what they’re doing rather than men with experience,’ she says, thoughtfully. ‘So what’s the problem?’
I bite my lip again and stare down at my hands.
‘Do I have to torture the information out of you, Lucy?’
I manage a smile. ‘I don’t know what happens next. He’s not the kind of guy I thought it would happen with. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing.’
‘You imagined it’d be with Mr Perfect Boyfriend material, didn’t you? Well he doesn’t exist and even if he did, he’d be bloody boring.’ Tash eyes me quizzically. ‘Did you tell Seb you were a virgin?’
‘No and it wasn’t obvious, I mean he didn’t see …’ My cheeks burn even hotter. It will take a long time before I’m comfortable talking about sex.
‘Hmm. I think you should tell him.’
‘Why? Won’t he feel pressured?’ I stare at her.
Tash shrugs. ‘Trust me. I’ve discovered it’s best to be upfront in relationships. Tell the truth and if he can’t handle it, he’s not the man for you. It’s a hard truth but generally applicable.’
I pull a face.
Tash pats my arm. ‘If he’s not the right man for you there’ll be another one along.’
‘Like buses?’ I laugh.
‘That’s how it works until you meet the right one.’ Tash shrugs her response. ‘Problem is, it doesn’t work to our timetable. It happens when it’s meant to.’
‘Hmm. Like it did for you and Nate?’
‘Yes. Trust me, I had to kiss a hell of a lot of frogs until I met my prince. This might feel like a big deal to you at the moment but it won’t always feel this way, I promise.’
I nod. ‘Okay, I’ll tell him. I’m going over to his place for lunch, that’s why I’m not coming with you today.’
At the moment I’ve no idea whether I’ll tell him or not, but I know Tash won’t leave it alone. She might have slightly feline features, but she has a terrier’s obstinacy.
‘You’ll be okay. Let me know how it goes.’ Tash heads out.
I take a deep breath and try to find something to wear that isn’t too crumpled. Lack of wardrobe space doesn’t do much for your clothes. I’ve never bothered with dressing to impress so I don’t have many options. I opt for dark-indigo jeans and a black crewneck jumper.
At one o’clock I press the buzzer to Seb’s apartment and he releases the door to let me in.
‘Hi.’ I try in vain not to blush. Heat sears my cheeks and a remembered intimacy lingers in the air, tinged with expectation.
Seb greets me with a kiss on both cheeks but not on the mouth. Is he taking a step back now? Have we morphed from lovers to friends so quickly?
‘Salut, Lucy Lu.’ Seb gestures for me to enter the apartment.
‘Who do you want me to meet?’ I look around the open-plan living area but it’s empty. I then peer down the corridor.
At that moment a young girl with wild, dark curls hurtles into the room. She looks around six or seven years old.
‘My daughter, Estelle.’ Seb pulls the girl to him. The resemblance is obvious. ‘Estelle, say hello to my new friend Lucy.’
‘Hello, Lucy.’ The girl beams. ‘I helped make lunch.’
‘Did you? I’m sure it will be yummy. Your English is very good.’
I raise an eyebrow at Seb. I can honestly say I wasn’t expecting this. In none of his bios on the internet is there any mention of a daughter.
‘Estelle speaks German and English as well as she does French,’ Seb boa
sts proudly. Her stepfather is English.’
I want to ask a million questions, most of them about Estelle’s mother, but I can hardly do that in front of Estelle.
‘I didn’t know you had a daughter,’ I say quietly as Estelle runs off back to her room to fetch her colouring books. ‘She’s lovely.’
‘You want to know if what we have is for real?’ Seb eyes me gravely. ‘This is my way of showing you that it is. I don’t introduce my daughter to anyone … casual. I think we’re at the start of something special.’
My heart races. The intense way he looks at me ignites feelings I shouldn’t have with a child present.
‘So, er, what’s for lunch, then?’
‘Some poached salmon and salad.’
‘Sounds good.’ I follow Seb towards the laid table in the kitchen area of the open-plan living space. ‘Does Estelle live with you?’
‘No, she lives with her mother in Geneva. My schedule is very hectic. I travel a lot, but I see her whenever I can. It’s easier in the school holidays.’ Seb opens a large bottle of mineral water and pours it out into three empty glasses.
I sit down at the table. I really do want to know about Seb’s relationship with Estelle’s mother, but I’ll have to try and contain my curiosity.
‘Estelle looks a lot like you.’ I turn to look at her dark, wild curls and animated face creased in fierce concentration as she colours.
‘Yes, but she’s much prettier.’ Seb smiles fondly. ‘She has her mother’s eyes, though. You’ll see when she comes to pick her up.’
Excuse me?
‘What, here, now?’ My muscles tense and I wonder if I should do something with my hair. I just washed it and let it dry naturally this morning. Why didn’t I make more effort? Aargh. Come to that, why didn’t Seb warn me I’d be meeting his daughter and his ex? Talk about an ambush.
‘After lunch.’ Seb seems oblivious to my discomfort. Maybe it just never occurred to him I might find this difficult.
‘Is she your ex-wife?’ I whisper, glancing furtively at Estelle.
‘No, we never married.’ Seb puts fresh bread on the table and fetches plates. ‘We were only together for a few months and by the time we realised we weren’t right for each other Gabriella was already pregnant.’
‘Right.’ I take a sip of water, feeling hopelessly out of my depth again for the second time this week.
‘We are good friends now. She’ll like you, I’m sure.’
I stare at him.
‘Like I said, you wanted to know that what I feel for you means something to me, so I’m proving it, Lucy Lu.’ Seb takes my hand and squeezes it. ‘I’m proving it by letting you into my life. It’s what you want, yes?’
‘Yes, I do. I just feel a bit …’ I want to say ‘ambushed’, but that sounds too combative. ‘It’s taken me by surprise, that’s all.’
‘After Estelle goes back to her mother, I was hoping we could spend some time together.’ Seb lets go of my hand but lightly circles a finger on the back of my hand, leaving delicious sensation in its wake.
I nod. ‘That would be nice.’
‘Better than nice, I hope.’ Seb whispers, his lips brushing my ear. He retreats when he sees his daughter coming towards us. ‘Estelle, come to the table, let’s eat.’
‘Do you ski, Estelle?’ I ask once we’re seated and helping ourselves to salad and salmon fillets.
She shoots me the ‘adults are silly’ look, universally perfected by children everywhere.
‘Of course,’ she replies, politely nonetheless.
‘Ever since she could stand she has been on the slopes,’ Seb says proudly.
‘Are you going to do what your dad does when you’re older, then?’
‘No, Mum says Dad is crazy and if I ever decide to compete or do anything dangerous she’ll move us to a desert where there’s no snow.’ Estelle’s eyes are wide. ‘Can you imagine having no snow?’
I smile. ‘Where I come from we don’t have as much snow as you do here.’
‘Is that why you’re here in Switzerland?’ She asks. ‘Dad says we get some of the best snow in Europe here. And the best slopes.’
‘That’s the main reason, yes. I love the snow and I’d really hate it if I couldn’t ski.’ I pick up a forkful of salmon.
‘Me too. Do you like my dad?’ She fixes her dark eyes on me. They’re so much like Seb’s.
I almost choke on the salmon.
‘We haven’t known each other very long, but yes, I do, very much.’ I don’t meet Seb’s gaze but focus instead on Estelle.
‘Good.’ Estelle beams. ‘Then you can look after him when I have to be with Mum. I look after him when I’m here, but he needs a good woman to keep him grounded.’ She sounds so serious that my lips twitch and Seb barks with laughter.
‘Is that what your mum said, Estelle?’ He pats his daughter on the head.
‘Don’t do that, Dad. You’ll mess up my hair.’ She giggles and pulls away. ‘Yes, I heard Mum say you need a good woman. She also said she worries about you. Why does she worry, Dad?’
Seb raises his eyebrows. ‘Your mum worries too much. I’m fine, Estelle.’
I keep quiet, but my brain is churning.
Later the intercom buzzes and Seb gets up to let Gabriella in. Estelle runs up to my chair and puts her mouth close to my ear, covering it with her hands.
‘Don’t forget to look after my Dad, Lucy, it’s very important.’
Her idea of a whisper isn’t all that discreet and I’m sure both Gabriella and Seb hear.
I stand up and air-kiss Gabriella, trying not to squirm too much.
‘Ciao, Lucy.’ She smiles.
She’s petite, like me, but maybe five years older. She has the same straight, nut-brown hair as me but she’s much glossier, her clothes designer and stylish and her make-up perfect.
I really wish I’d made more effort. Clean jeans and a not-too-crumpled jumper don’t quite cut it.
‘Hello, it’s nice to meet you.’ I smile back at her and try to hide my nerves.
‘You are right, she is very pretty.’ Gabriella turns to Seb. ‘I approve.’
This is bizarre, I’ve just been vetted and approved by Seb’s daughter and ex-partner, neither of whom I even knew existed before I came to lunch.
Thinking about it, I’ve never seen anything about either of them in the press. Which must mean Seb really is letting me into his private life.
Perhaps he really does feel the same connection I do?
When they’ve gone, Seb walks up to me and draws me close to him.
‘Did you enjoy lunch?’
‘It was … interesting. Your daughter is lovely.’
‘She is.’ Seb beams proudly.
‘Why does she worry about you so much?’ I ask curiously.
Seb frowns. ‘It’s Gabriella. She doesn’t like what I do. She worries I’ll get myself killed. She worries all the time and I’m concerned she’s passing on her anxieties to Estelle.’
‘Is that likely?’ I stare at Seb as he pulls me down onto the sofa with him. ‘The getting killed part, I mean.’
Seb shrugs. ‘Who knows. There are younger, hungrier guys coming up all the time, willing to cut corners and take chances that are dangerous, just to get the edge on you.’
I stare at him. We’re talking about a possible risk of death and he’s shrugging it off?
‘Oh.’ I wish he hadn’t told me that. I knew that what he did was risky; it’s not called an extreme sport for nothing. But the idea of him being pushed harder in order to take even riskier chances makes me feel sick. I’m beginning to feel some sympathy with Gabriella.
‘It’s okay, I’ll be okay.’ Seb lifts my chin and kisses me, long and deep, drawing me in and driving my fears away.
I’ll have to think more about this when I’m not being distracted by Seb’s seductive touch and kisses. For now I’ll shove my niggles aside.
‘So, what would you like to do this afternoon, Lucy Lu? I have been longi
ng to make love to you. Tell me what turns you on.’
Seb skims his hands over my arms, my breasts and my thighs and the delicious fizzing sensation that’s been buzzing constantly in the background since we made love erupts with a vengeance. It’s as if he’s flipped a switch to turn me on. It’s positively embarrassing how responsive I am.
There’s one hovering anxiety I can’t swat away. It’s buzzing in my ear, whispering insidiously, asking what I’ll do if he asks me to do something sexual that I’m totally ignorant of.
‘I um, need to tell you something, Seb.’ I swallow hard.
‘Sure, go ahead.’ He doesn’t halt his caressing reacquaintance with my body.
‘Could you stop touching me for a minute? I can’t think when you do that.’ I take a deep breath.
He stops, examining me quizzically.
‘What do you need to tell me?’
‘I was a virgin before we slept together.’ I blurt it out, my cheeks flushing again like emotional traffic lights.
Seb’s eyes widen.
‘A virgin?’ He tilts his head to one side. ‘Really?’
‘Why does everyone say that like it’s as rare as an alien?’ I huff at the note of incredulity in his voice.
‘I think it might be.’ Seb raises his eyebrows. ‘I knew you were pretty inexperienced, but I didn’t guess you were a virgin. I wish you’d told me.’
‘Why?’ My pulse quickens and I tense. Is this where he dumps me?
‘I could’ve been more gentle with you, maybe.’
‘You were great, it was all, you know … good.’ I stare down at my hands. ‘I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.’
‘So why?’ Seb’s gaze is focused on me, a gleam of intense curiosity shining in his eyes.
‘Why what? Why was I a virgin?’ I shift awkwardly in my seat.
‘Sure, let’s start with that.’
‘Well, I suppose you could say I come from a religious family. I had a long- term boyfriend back home but we met at the church youth group. At the youth group there was a big deal about saving yourself for marriage, you know? Then, when I left home and came out here everyone seemed so casual about relationships. I didn’t want to have sex with just anyone, I didn’t want it to mean nothing.’ I sigh. ‘I still believe in God, I just don’t believe sex is wrong outside of marriage.’
Chalet Girls Page 12
