by Natasha West
‘We can be quiet’ she promised.
I turned to look at her in pure astonishment. ‘I can’t believe you want to do it… here!’
She looked around the room and grinned. ‘Why not? I’ve never done it in this room. Isn’t it a rite of passage for adults? To have sex in your childhood bedroom?’
It was a hard argument to refute. And I realised that with the day we’d had, we could probably both do with releasing some tension.
Penny picked up a stuffed zebra and handed it to me. ‘You could bite down on this if it helps you to stay quiet.’
I looked from Penny to the zebra, wondering if I could really do this. But then Penny raised an eyebrow and my resolve went. ‘OK’ I said, taking the toy. ‘But if I lose my grip and scream the place down, you’ve only got yourself to blame.’
Later, I awoke, confused for whole minutes as to where the hell I was. After it came back to me, I looked over at Penny. She was sleeping the sleep of the righteous and sex exhausted and was dead to the world. But for some reason, as the minutes ticked by, I couldn’t seem to fall back off. I was wide awake. And thirsty to boot. Even though we’d kept the sexcapades to a gymnastic minimum, it had still sapped my electrolytes. I needed water.
I debated the pluses and minuses of wandering around in a stranger’s house in the dark with myself for some time before deciding I was past the point of logic. My throat was like sandpaper. I had to get up.
I crept down the landing, wearing Penny’s bathrobe for modesty, hoping to god I wouldn’t trip on the unfamiliar stairs. I reached the bottom step with gratitude. I was going to make it to the kitchen tap without disturbing anyone.
But as I walked down the hall, I saw with dismay that the kitchen light was on. And I was in full view of the kitchen table, where Karen was sat with a pot of tea and a cup, sipping quietly. She saw me immediately and there was no turning back. I had to keep going and pretend I wasn’t thinking about running in the opposite direction.
I walked into the kitchen and said ‘Karen. Hi. Just needed a glass of water.’
‘Help yourself.’
For a few beautiful moments, I was silly enough to think it might be possible that I could just fill the glass and get out of there with a quick ‘Goodnight.’ But as I turned with the glass, Karen pushed the chair opposite her out from underneath the table with her foot. ‘Why don’t you sit down for a moment. Grab a cup, there’s tea in the pot.’
She was a tricky one, Karen Stone. She’d lulled me into a false sense of security before she sprung her trap. But I was in it now, the snare was around my ankle. It was either chew off my leg or sit down and talk to Penny’s mother. So I put down the glass and picked a cup up from the washing up rack, sitting down and filling it with tea.
I thought it was best to start off with some politeness. It had disarmed her before. Why not stop her before she could get going?
‘Pilldale’s a lovely place, I was walking through the green earlier-’
‘Julia, look...’ she interrupted not interested in my inane comment in the slightest. ‘There’s some things I need to say to you. Now, while I’ve got the chance.’
Ah, so there had been a rule change, I surmised. Alone, in the middle of the night, in Karen’s kitchen, she held dominion. And now we weren’t going to hide behind the rules of middle class conduct. That was alright with me, as long as she kept the gloves on. I decided I’d just sit and let her say whatever she wanted, if it would make her feel better about the situation.
‘Please do’ I permitted.
‘I know all about you’ she began.
‘I realise that, yes...’
‘No. I know it all. Not just what I’ve been told. I looked you up on the internet.’
I completely gave up on the idea of ever winning Karen over then.
‘I realise, it can’t look good’ I said, grasping for any argument that could be made in my favour.
‘Can’t look good?’ she repeated incredulously. ‘That’s putting it mildly.’
‘Right, OK. I understand that you probably don’t approve of me being with your daughter-’
‘How old are you?’ she broke in, ignoring me.
‘I’m not sure that’s your business’ I said irritably.
But Karen didn’t care that she was pissing me off.
‘I’d guess you’re about early thirties. Am I warm?’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘Thirty-nine, if you must know.’
She exhaled, incensed. ‘God. It’s even worse than I thought. You’re only six years younger than me.’
‘Exactly. So maybe you shouldn’t be questioning me like some naughty schoolgirl.’
She nodded in agreement. ‘You’re right. Let’s just talk. Adult to adult. I don’t want you with Penny.’
I sat back in my chair, relieved in a way. Cards were on the table. She hated me. Alright. I could work from that.
‘Look, even if I wasn’t around’ I said in a conciliatory tone ‘you’ve got to understand that the same exact thing would have happened, given time. Your daughter would still be attracted to women.’
‘This isn’t about that’ She snarled. ‘Perhaps I wasn’t exactly thrilled to find out that my daughter is a homosexual, but I’ve had three years to think about that and I know it’s not going to change. And I can live with it. But you? You’re bad news. I knew that from all that stuff on the internet. And when you came strolling into my house, all ‘Fur coat and no knickers’, I was absolutely sure of it. You may fool Penny, but you don’t fool me. She’s nothing but a conquest to you.’
‘Is that so?’ I said warily, giving up. This had gone even further south than I could have predicted.
‘Yes, it is. But that’s OK. Because I know Penny. She’s always wanted bigger things than Pilldale. She was bound to fall for someone like you, while she’s still too young to know the difference between age and maturity. But sooner or later, she’ll see through you. And as far as I’m concerned, that day can’t come soon enough.’
I stood up, scraping my chair against the lino.
‘Well, this has been a lovely chat, Karen’ I said dryly. ‘Thanks for the tea. But I think I’ll be getting back to bed now.’
Karen snorted, looking pleased with herself. But I’d had the last word. It wasn’t much. Nonetheless, it was all I could walk away with. So I did.
I went upstairs and slipped silently in next to Penny, who sleepily slipped her arm around me, mumbled something about feeding the cat (which as far as I knew, she didn’t have) and then commenced softly snoring.
I envied her easy sleep. I wasn’t likely to get any further sleep tonight. The conversation in the kitchen had made quite sure of that.
Chapter Fourteen
There were no two ways about it. Breakfast was weird.
My dad seemed chipper enough but my mum was oddly silent. Even Julia, not really a chatterbox at the best of times, was still somehow quieter than usual. As I ate my boiled egg and soldiers, I knew something was up.
But what was it? I’d been with Julia the entire time. What could have happened between her and my mum to create such a poisonous atmosphere? They’d been alright at dinner. Not exactly making plans to meet up for afternoon tea, but they’d reached minimum cordiality. Or so I’d thought.
But their lack of eye contact today was telling quite a different story.
I had half a mind to ask what was going on but thought better of it. I decided that if something was indeed amiss, I’d ask Julia on the way home. This house had witnessed enough dramatic scenes for the time being.
I kissed my parent’s goodbye, promising them I’d call when I got home to let them know I’d survived the journey to Medford. Julia simply waved at them from the car window. She seemed keen to get going.
Before I could leave, mum grabbed me in a particularly tight hug, whispering in my ear ‘You can always come home. No matter what happens.’
I nodded at her gratefully and she went into the house with my dad.
>
We’d been on the motorway for forty minutes. Julia had put on the radio the second we pulled out, filling the car with loud music, making conversation difficult. I had an idea that she’d done that intentionally, but I decided to leave some time before I asked her what was wrong.
But as we saw the signs for Medford, I couldn’t take it anymore.
‘Hey’ I said, turning the radio off. She glanced at me.
‘Mmm?’
‘What’s up?’
She looked confused by the question but I didn’t buy it. She knew exactly what I meant.
‘Something happened. In Pilldale. What was it?’
She gave me a half smile and said ‘I believe what happened was that you came out. And then we had sex in a single bed in a room the colour of a baboon’s arse.’
I shook my head at her.
‘Julia, come on. I’m not stupid.’
‘I know that’ she said quietly, putting the turn signal on.
‘So why are you treating me like I am?’
‘I’m not trying to. I just think this is best left alone’ she said as we pulled off the motorway.
‘So something did happen?’
She sighed, a loud noise of misery that turned into a groan. ‘Yes. But here’s the thing. You just sorted things out with your parents. I really don’t want to mess with that.’
I began to get quite worried. ‘You can’t just expect me to drop whatever this is, you know that, don’t you?’
She stayed silent.
‘Julia! Talk.’
‘Fine. I got up last night for a glass of water and your mum was in the kitchen.’
I didn’t like the sound of this already. ‘Did she say something?’
‘She said things, yes.’
Julia said nothing further for some time.
‘And!?’
‘I’m not going to give you a transcript. But to summarise… She’s not that keen on our relationship. She’s alright with you being gay, don’t worry about that. It’s me. I’m… A concern to her.’
I gaped. ‘What? What exactly did she say?’
Julia shook her head. ‘Penny, don’t, OK? Put yourself in her shoes. If you didn’t know me like you do, would you be fine with me dating your daughter?’
I thought about it for a moment. It was hard to argue with. But that didn’t mean I was going to let this go.
‘But I do know you. And I don’t care what anything else thinks.’
‘And I’m glad to hear it. But I just want you to cut your mother some slack on this. She’s an anxious parent. That’s all.’
I gritted my teeth and slunk down in the seat. I was livid.
‘Stop it right now’ Julia said.
‘Stop what?’
‘You only just sorted things out with your mum. Do you really want to start a completely new problem with her?’
‘But she wasn’t nice to you. How am I supposed to be alright with that?’
‘It’s sweet that you’re angry. But I’m a big girl. I can handle myself. Whatever went on between me and your mum is my problem. It doesn’t need to involve you. And I don’t want it to. If I caused another rift between you, I couldn’t forgive myself.’
I didn’t say anything to that. How could I? She had me in a total headlock. In the nicest way possible, she’d made it difficult for me to have an opinion on this without making it seem like she needed me to protect her. And of course, Julia would be no happier in this situation if I made her look weak in front of my mum. Furthermore, any arguments with mum would only make Julia feel guilty, which she didn’t deserve.
Still, the whole thing had me thoroughly rankled. My mother had said… Well, I didn’t exactly know what but it had put Julia in a strange mood, that much was clear.
‘Look, maybe I could just…’
‘No. Don’t do anything. Leave it alone’ she said irritably.
I closed my mouth. The rest of the journey passed in silence.
Chapter Fifteen
‘Penny? Are you still there?’
I waited until the giggling subsided and Penny spoke again. ‘Sorry, It’s Zara. She’s just messing about.’
‘Oh’ I said, unsure what else to say. This was becoming a regular thing. Zara this, Zara that.
‘Are we still going to dinner tomorrow?’ she asked.
‘Actually, I wondered if you might want to grab lunch today?’
There was a pause.
‘Oh, I’m sorry. I’ve already promised Zara that we’d check out a new Thai place around the corner.’
It had been like this for weeks, trying to get time with Penny was getting more and more difficult. And I think I understood why.
I wasn’t exactly making myself pleasurable to be around. It was because I couldn’t talk to her about Karen. And holding it back was making it feel difficult to talk to her in general. It was creating a stiff atmosphere between us. I hated it but I couldn’t seem to do anything to change it.
I wasn’t protecting Karen. God knows, I didn’t owe her anything. And it wasn’t just about protecting Penny’s relationship with her, although it did figure into the equation. But a large part of the reason I didn’t really want to talk to Penny about what had happened was that Karen’s words were lingering like a bad smell. I couldn’t seem to shake them.
Because, and I hated to admit this to myself, I was worried she was right.
I knew I didn’t have to care about what she thought of me. As long as Penny never got caught in the middle, the woman’s opinion had absolutely no bearing on anything at all.
But still, her words were like acid, corrosive, eating into me. Because she’d looked at me and in no time at all, she’d seen the things I saw too. And if she could see it that easily, how could there not be truth in it?
Mine and Penny’s relationship had started in such an ugly time for me. I’d tried to treat her like a fling, even if she’d become a lot more than that. And things were very different now. But if they’d changed once, they could change again. What if the new and improved Julia Hawke was simply a phase? What if it didn’t last? What if the person that Karen saw was the real me?
And what if it was only a matter of time until Penny saw the same thing that her mother had?
Every way I turned it around in my head, all I could see was an end. To me and Penny, to the happiest I’d ever been. To the better person I’d found in myself. It all seemed like a sham, suddenly. I was fooling myself.
I was supposed to be starting a fresh project, a better working practice, and the end of my hellish writer’s block. But the events in Pilldale had put paid to that. My sleeplessness returned with a vengeance. And the block was as fierce as ever.
I was in rough shape. And my face was starting to tell the story in the daylight. Every morning I looked in the mirror to see dark circles and a distinct lack of sharpness in my eyes. What came first, the insomnia or the block? I thought it had been the block, but I wasn’t sure. Either way, one was feeding the other. I couldn’t write, because I couldn’t sleep. And I couldn’t sleep, because I couldn’t write.
And the sleep I did manage to get was punctuated by vivid, unsettling dreams. Dreams of many things but with one recurring theme. Loss. Loss of my father, loss of Penny, loss of myself.
I wasn’t sure if Penny noticed the change, she was busy with her new project. And Zara, of course. Whenever I saw her, she always seemed to be so flushed with excitement about everything, telling me all about it with an enthusiasm I couldn’t bear to dampen. So when she’d ask about my work, I’d lie and say the block was gone.
It was tough for me to tell her that I was OK. Part of me thought that perhaps I should be honest. We’d had several conversations about that in the beginning, and they’d been necessary because honesty had not been one of my strongest traits. Penny had needed assurances that I’d always tell her the truth, as much as I’d needed to make them to her. Because I’d wanted things to be different than the first time around. But here was a chance t
o put my money where my mouth was. And I wasn’t taking it.
Partly because I didn’t feel that it was a lie. Technically, there really wasn’t anything wrong with me. I had my health, enough money and Penny in my life. And that’s a lot more than some people can say.
Secondarily, I felt silly. I didn’t want to be that person, complaining, weak-willed, unable to deal with such a small problem by myself. I’d been self-reliant all my life and the thought of turning into that other person was deeply uncomfortable.
So whenever she’d ask if I was doing alright, I felt compelled to say yes. And perhaps she knew I wasn’t being completely honest, but she didn’t push it. Maybe she was waiting until I was ready. I thought that when I’d pushed through this, I’d tell her all about it. Once I was on the other side.
But that time seemed a long way off. And as I awoke from another disturbing dream, I wondered if it would ever come.
This time, I’d been trapped in a desert landscape, digging holes, looking for something that I never found. As I awoke from the dream, it reminded me of the first dream I’d had, at the start of this whole thing. Because that same voice, the one that called me ‘Jules’, it had spoken again.
I knew that meant something. I knew that maybe it even held the key to all my problems. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to listen to that voice, I kept telling myself.
And then an email had appeared in my inbox. It was from Jill, my editor. It was a gently inquisitive message, asking ‘how things were going’. No pressure. But I knew this was not a casual email. It was the third I’d had this week. I hadn’t replied to any of them. I’d been avoiding her and she knew it.
I’d run out of time to mess around. ‘Alright’, I thought. ‘You win, Dad.’
Chapter Sixteen
The toilet of Echo Films was small and cramped. Not the best place to get bad news. Not that there’s ever a great place. But my location, perched on the edge of the toilet as I read the text from Julia, added to my annoyance.
