by Dan Gutman
My Weirder School #1
Miss Child Has Gone Wild!
Dan Gutman
Pictures by
Jim Paillot
Dedication
To Coleman and Oscar Burke
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Chapter 1 - We Win!
Chapter 2 - The New Girl
Chapter 3 - Miss Child Is Weird
Chapter 4 - My Zoo Buddy
Chapter 5 - Binky the Elephant
Chapter 6 - Lulu the Gorilla
Chapter 7 - The Truth About Miss Child
Chapter 8 - Penguin Paradise
Chapter 9 - In Search of Emily
Chapter 10 - Brian the Lion
Chapter 11 - The Amazing Surprise Ending!
Notes
About the Authors
Copyright
About the Publisher
Chapter 1
We Win!
My name is A.J. and I hate school.
I don’t even know why school was invented. Whoever thought up that idea was mean. Reading, writing, and math are way overrated. You can learn all you need to know just by watching TV. I’m talking about important stuff, like which breakfast cereal is crunchier and which video games let you shoot more bad guys.
If I was the president, the first thing I’d do would be to close all the schools and turn them into skate parks. That would be cool.1
My teacher is Mr. Granite, who is from another planet. He was about to start our math lesson when an announcement came over the loudspeaker. It was our principal, Mr. Klutz, who has no hair at all.
“The winner of the Cleanest Classroom in the School Contest goes to . . . Mr. Granite’s third graders!”
“Yay!” everybody in our class shouted.
“What do we win?” I asked Mr. Granite.
“You win a classroom that’s clean,” he said.
“For the rest of you,” Mr. Klutz announced, “please be careful not to leave any food around your classroom. It attracts bugs and mice. We want to teach students at Ella Mentry School, not bugs and mice.”
“I hate mice,” said Mr. Granite.
“Why would anyone leave food around a classroom?” asked this annoying girl named Andrea Young with curly brown hair.
“That’s disgusting,” said Emily, this crybaby girl who always agrees with everything Andrea says.
“Maybe they want to feed the bugs and mice,” said my friend Ryan.
“Okay, it’s time for math,” said Mr. Granite. “Turn to page twenty-three in your—”
Mr. Granite didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence, because at that very moment the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.
A girl came into the class.
Well, that’s not the weird part, because girls come into the class all the time. The weird part was that she skateboarded into the class!
The girl was wearing a backward baseball cap and a black T-shirt that said LED ZEPPELIN on it.
“Yo!” she said as she hopped off her skateboard. “They told me I was supposed to be in Mr. Granite’s class. Are you Mr. Granite?”
“Yes,” Mr. Granite replied. “Who are you?”
“My name is A.J.,” the girl said, “and I hate school.”
WHAT?!
Chapter 2
The New Girl
Everybody turned and looked at me when the girl named A.J. skateboarded into the class.
“Hey, the new girl is cool!” whispered my friend Michael, who sits behind me.
“What does A.J. stand for?” asked Mr. Granite. He was looking through his attendance list.
“Alexia Juarez,” the girl said. “My family just moved here from Puerto Rico last week.”
“Oooooh!” said Ryan. “The new girl has the same initials as A.J. They must be in love!”
“When are you and the new girl gonna get married?” asked Michael.
I felt my face getting hot. I looked around the class and spotted Andrea. She was looking at the new girl. Andrea had on a mean face, and her arms were crossed in front of her. When people cross their arms in front of them, it means they’re mad. Nobody knows why.
“Do you really hate school, Alexia?” asked Emily.
“Sure I do,” said Alexia. “School is something grown-ups invented so they wouldn’t have to take care of us during the day.”
Wow! The new girl was a lot like me, but a girl!
“I don’t agree with that,” Mr. Granite said, “but welcome to our class, Alexia. Take off your hat, please. We don’t wear hats in school.”
Alexia made a face but took off her hat anyway. She has blond hair. She shook her head. Her hair fell all the way down her back and swirled around in slow motion, just like in those shampoo commercials on TV.
“Oooooooooooooh!” everybody said.
“Your hair is pretty, Alexia,” said Andrea.
What a brownnoser! Andrea probably wishes she had long blond hair.
“Maybe Alexia would like to tell us a little about herself,” said Mr. Granite.
“Do you like to dance and sing?” asked Andrea.
“No,” Alexia replied. “I like to play video games and ride my skateboard.”
WHAT?! I like to play video games and ride my skateboard.
“Can you drop into a half-pipe on your skateboard?” I asked.
“Sure,” Alexia said. “I do that all the time.”
Wow! Even I can’t drop into a half-pipe on a skateboard. That’s scary.
“Do you like to play dress up?” asked Emily.
“No,” Alexia replied. “I like to play football and eat pizza.”
WHAT?! I like to play football and eat pizza!
“Do you like to play with dolls?” asked Andrea.
Alexia slapped her own head. “No!” she replied. “Dolls are yucky. I like to ride trick bikes.”
WHAT?! I like to ride trick bikes!
“Do you like animals?” asked Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
“Oh yes,” Alexia said. “My favorite animal is the penguin.”
WHAT?! I love penguins!
This was getting weird.
“I know what you are,” Andrea said to Alexia. “You’re a tomboy.”
“That’s right!” Alexia said proudly. “I am.”
“Okay, take a seat over there, Alexia,” said Mr. Granite. “You can sit next to A.J. Now, please open your math books to page twenty-three.”
“Oooooh!” said Ryan. “The two A.J.s are sitting next to each other. They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.
Chapter 3
Miss Child Is Weird
I opened my math book to page twenty-three. Alexia skateboarded over to the desk next to me and sat down. Then she leaned over so that her long blond hair was touching my desk.
“Yo, dude,” she whispered in my ear. “You want a piece of gum?”
“We’re not allowed to chew gum in school,” I whispered back.
“Yeah, so?” Alexia said. She popped a piece of gum into her mouth.
Mr. Granite clapped his hands together. Clap clap, clap-clap-clap. “Okay!” he said. “Maybe now we can finally get to our math lesson.”
I glanced sideways and saw that Alexia was writing something on a little scrap of paper. She folded it up and tossed it on my desk. I opened up the note. It said . . .
I HATE MATH
I turned the paper over and wrote on the other side . . .
ME TOO
Then I passed the paper back to Alexia.
“Mr. Gran
ite,” said Andrea, “the two A.J.s are passing notes back and forth.”
“Don’t be a tattletale, Andrea,” said Mr. Granite.
“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.
Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea! In her face! I was going to say something mean to her, but you’ll never believe who poked their head into the door at that moment.
Nobody. Why would anyone poke their head into a door? That would hurt. But you’ll never believe who poked their head into the doorway.
It was a lady. She had something around her neck. And it wasn’t a necklace.
It was a snake!
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!” screamed all the girls. “A snake!” They were all freaking out.
“I’m scared!” said Emily, who is scared of everything.
“Hello,” the lady said. “I’m Miss Child, and I work at the zoo.”
“Uh, we’re in the middle of our math lesson right now,” said Mr. Granite. “To what do we owe the pleasure of your company, Miss Child?”2
“Mr. Klutz said I could stop in and show the kids our newest friend at the zoo,” said Miss Child. “We named him Pumpkin. Isn’t he adorable?”
“No!” said all the girls.
I had to admit that Pumpkin was pretty adorable. But I wasn’t about to say so, because I never say anything is adorable.
“Do you want to touch Pumpkin?” asked Miss Child.
“No!” shouted all the girls.
“Yes!” shouted all the boys. Plus Alexia. We lined up to touch Pumpkin.
“Snakes are cool,” said Alexia. “I saw snakes back home in Puerto Rico all the time.”
I thought Pumpkin was going to be all slimy and disgusting, but he wasn’t. He didn’t bite me or anything.
Miss Know-It-All Andrea must have been jealous that Alexia liked snakes, because she started telling everybody all about them.
“Did you know that snakes are deaf?” said Andrea. “They pick up vibrations through their jawbones. And they smell with their tongues.”
What a brownnoser.
“That’s true, Andrea!” said Miss Child. “Hey, do you kids want to see something really cool?”
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a big . . . hairy . . . spider!
“Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!”
“This is my friend Melvin,” said Miss Child. “He’s a tarantula.”
“You keep a tarantula in your pocket?” I asked. That was weird.
“Spiders are gross,” said Neil the nude kid.
“I don’t feel that way,” Miss Child said. “At the zoo, we appreciate all living creatures, large and small, land creatures and sea creatures, meat eaters and plant eaters, creatures that fly or swim or crawl on their bellies and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
She went on and on, talking about how great animals are and all that Lion King circle-of-life stuff. I thought I was gonna fall asleep. But then Miss Child said something that got my attention.
“I have big news,” she said.
“Miss Child has a big nose,” Alexia whispered in my ear.
“The real reason why I came here is because you have the cleanest class in the whole school,” she said. “So your class has been chosen to go on a field trip . . . to the zoo!”
“Yay!” everybody shouted.
Chapter 4
My Zoo Buddy
Field trips are cool because you get to leave school. The only field trips that aren’t cool are the ones where they take you on a field trip to a field. Going to a field is lame.
The next day, everybody was excited about our trip to the zoo. My mom packed me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. Emily brought in a camera so she could take pictures of the animals. We all had to turn in a sheet of paper our parents signed that said if we get attacked by a bear or something, our parents can’t sue the zoo or the school.
While we were getting ready to leave for the field trip, Ms. Hannah, our art teacher, came into the class. She told us she would be coming along on the trip as our chaperone. In case you don’t know French, a chaperone is a grown-up who tells everybody to stop talking. Ms. Hannah’s art program was almost canceled because of budget cuts, so now she has to do other stuff besides teach art. Like go on field trips.
Mr. Granite told us that we would have to have a “zoo buddy” so we wouldn’t get lost at the zoo.
“Yo, A.J., do you want to be my zoo buddy?” Alexia asked me.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast. It would be cool to be zoo buddies with Alexia. But I knew the guys would make fun of me if I was zoo buddies with a girl.
I thought and thought. I thought so hard, I thought my head was going to explode.
In the end I didn’t have to decide who would be my zoo buddy. Mr. Granite did.
“Emily, you and Alexia will be zoo buddies,” he said. “Michael and Ryan are zoo buddies. And A.J., you be zoo buddies with Andrea.”
Ugh, disgusting!
Andrea looked at me with this big smile on her face.
“Arlo! You and I are going to be zoo buddies!” she said. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.
“Oooooh!” said Ryan. “A.J. and Andrea are zoo buddies. They must be in love!”
“When are you two zoo buddies gonna get married?” asked Michael.
Alexia was looking at Andrea. She had on a mean face and had her arms crossed in front of her. She must have been mad that Andrea was my zoo buddy. Or maybe she just had to go to the bathroom.
“It’s time to get on the bus,” said Ms. Hannah. “Single file, everyone.”
“Don’t forget to bring along your lunch,” said Mr. Granite.
Alexia was the line leader, and she skateboarded down the ramp in front of the school. I guess she skateboards everywhere. The rest of us had to walk a million hundred miles to where the bus was parked.
“Bingle boo!” said Mrs. Kormel, our school bus driver. “Limpus kidoodle.”
Mrs. Kormel doesn’t talk like regular people. She invented her own secret language. Bingle boo means “hello.” Limpus kidoodle means “sit down.”
Mrs. Kormel is not normal.
We all piled onto the bus. I had to sit next to my zoo buddy, Andrea.
“Isn’t this exciting, Arlo?” she asked. “Don’t you just love field trips?”
Andrea was rubbing her hands together, which is what people do when they’re excited about something. Nobody knows why.
“No,” I replied.
Andrea gets excited about everything. If a grown-up told her we were going to go outside and stare at a pile of dirt all day, she would be rubbing her hands together with excitement.
“I hope they have elephants at the zoo,” Andrea told me. “Did you know that some elephants are thirteen feet tall and weigh over fifteen thousand pounds?”
“Everybody knows that,” I lied.
You should never let a know-it-all like Andrea know that she knows something you don’t know. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
“Elephants also spend up to sixteen hours a day eating,” Andrea said.
“So does your face,” I told her.
Andrea probably looked up elephants in her encyclopedia at home. What is her problem? Why can’t an elephant fall on her head?
I had to listen to Andrea tell me everything she knew about elephants for the whole bus ride. I thought I was gonna die.
Finally, after riding a million hundred miles, we got to the zoo.
Miss Child was waiting for us. She came over to the bus and led us to a room where we put our backpacks. Then she passed out name tags so she could pretend she knew our names when she talked to us.
“Do you have elephants at the zoo?” asked Little Miss I-Know-Everything-About-Elephants.
“Oh yes!” replied Miss Child.
Andrea jumped up and down with excitement, like she was opening h
er birthday presents.
“Before we start your tour,” Miss Child said, “I want to talk to you for a few minutes about our zoo. We don’t believe that animals should be locked up in cages. Blah blah blah blah blah. All our animals live in an environment that is made to resemble their natural habitat. Blah blah blah blah blah. We need to respect all living creatures. Blah blah blah blah blah. There is nothing separating you from the animals here. So you need to be careful at all times. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah when will this end blah blah blah blah blah blah blah please make her stop blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
Miss Child talked for a million hundred minutes about how wonderful animals are. It was really boring. I just wanted to see some cool animals, not listen to some lady talk about them.
“I love animals,” Miss Child finally said. “Do you love animals, too?”
Everybody except Emily raised a hand.
“I’m allergic to animals with fur,” she said. “Dogs, cats, ferrets . . .”
That was true. One time Neil the nude kid brought his pet ferret Mr. Wiggles to school. It got out of its cage and was running around the school all day. By the time we found it in Emily’s hat, we had voted Mr. Wiggles president of the school.
Emily is probably allergic to her own shadow.
Miss Child told us to go around in a circle and tell something about our pets.
“I have a dog named Buttons,” I said when it was my turn.
“Tell us something interesting about Buttons, A.J.,” said Miss Child.
There really wasn’t anything interesting to say about Buttons. He was just a plain old dog. But I had to say something.
“Well,” I said, “sometimes Buttons poops on the floor.”
Everybody laughed because I said “poop.” If you ever want to make somebody laugh, just go up to them and say “poop.” It works every time. Nobody knows why.
