There was a long pause. “Thank you,” she said.
He pulled into the parking lot and found a spot not that far from the main entrance. “It’s amazing to me how Rosie can go from crying to completely quiet,” he said, looking in the backseat.
Haley laughed, and he smiled at the sound. “I know. Such extremes. I hope she holds out for a while. We have about an hour before she’s going to want to eat again.”
“She’s like a ticking time bomb.”
“Yup,” she said as they got out of the car and made their way to the hospital. Haley led the way, and a few minutes later they were standing outside a small office.
“Hey, stop sleeping on the job,” Haley said as she walked into the small space. His head sprung up from the desk, and he ran a hand down his face. He looked like hell.
“Sorry, long day,” he said with a laugh. “Hi, Connor,” he added with a nod.
“Thanks for seeing us.”
“No problem,” Luke said, rounding the corner of his desk. “Why don’t you get Rosie undressed down to her diaper and we’ll start the checkup. Oh, before I forget”—he took a business card off his desk and handed it to Connor—“this is the pediatrician. The first appointment is booked for two weeks from now. If that date isn’t good, call and reschedule.”
“Okay, here she is. Isn’t she a cutie patootie?” He couldn’t help but grin as Haley held up Rosie in her little diaper. He’d never been one to notice babies or anything, but if he were, he’d say she ranked right up there as the cutest.
Her brother shot her a look Connor couldn’t quite figure out as he reached for Rosie. To his credit, Luke was gentle and seemed comfortable holding her and making sure she was happy. “I’ll get her weight, do a quick physical exam, and some reflex tests,” Luke said, placing her on a tabletop scale, his hands hovering over her as he looked at the display. Rosie started crying and Luke scooped her up, talking to her as he proceeded to do a bunch of tests while he and Haley stood side by side. He asked for help just to make sure she didn’t slide off the exam table when he was measuring her. She stared up at him when he measured her head and Haley beamed down at her.
“Okay, we’re good,” Luke said finally, taking his chart to his desk. He handed Rosie over to him when he was finished, and Haley helped him get her clothes back on while Luke sat at his desk, inputting things into his computer. Once they had her dressed again, Haley took Rosie and cradled her as they sat down. “Luke, no need to be so mysterious. How’s Rosie?” Haley asked.
Luke turned to them, rolling his eyes at his sister. “I’m not being mysterious. She’s fine. Perfectly healthy. A little underweight, but I think after a few weeks in your care that’ll adjust. Her reflexes are fine, her eyes—everything checked out. We don’t know anything about the pregnancy, do we?”
Connor clenched his teeth and shook his head.
Luke gave a nod and glanced at his sister, then back to Connor. “Is there any possibility that her birth mother would have been drinking or using any kind of narcotics while pregnant?”
The room went silent and the heavy weight of his past left him filled with shame and without words for a moment. He had a daughter and he wasn’t even listed as her father on her birth certificate, a mother who abandoned her and could have possibly been drinking while pregnant. If there was any permanent damage to Rosie, he’d never be able to forgive himself. Not that he was the praying type, but it might be a good time to start. He glanced over at Haley for a moment and wished he hadn’t as he spotted the sadness in her eyes. He looked back at Luke, whose gaze was hard and unrelenting.
“Alcohol might have been an issue, but I’m not sure. Do you think it’s a problem? I’ve tried calling Tess repeatedly, but she’s not taking my calls. I don’t know where she lives now.”
Luke ran a hand over his mouth and leaned back in his swivel chair. “There’s no quick and easy test to confirm, and you may not know for years. Right now, I’d say she looks perfect. Her size, like I said, is a little small, but her head circumference is where it should be based on her height and weight, so that’s a good sign. All her reflexes are perfect. No facial indications that there might be something wrong.”
“Do you think she’s fine?” Haley said, the worry in her voice obvious.
Luke gave a nod. “Yes. But, like I said, I can’t say one hundred percent she is. If it was severe, we would know. The pediatrician I recommended is top notch, I know her personally. She’s going to be head of the new maternity/pediatrics ward in the hospital addition next year. She’ll see you, even without the paternity results.”
Connor stared down at his hands on his jeans, hating himself. “Thank you. I can do the paternity test today, right?”
Luke nodded, standing. “Yeah, follow me and we’ll get that done, too.”
Connor swallowed down the fear at the thought of there being something wrong with Rosie, and stood, shaking Luke’s hand. “Thanks for everything. I appreciate it.”
Luke tightened his grasp for a moment. “You’re welcome.”
Chapter Four
Haley detected the change in Connor’s mood after the appointment. Not that he’d been talkative before, but he’d barely said a word on the drive home, or over the pizza they shared. She’d tried to make some small talk, but he’d only had a word or two as answer. Now that Rosie was tucked in for a few hours and it was just the two of them, she thought maybe she should bring up what was really bothering him. Maybe he needed someone to reassure him.
She sat opposite him on the couch and tucked her feet under her. “It’s okay you know. Rosie is going to be fine, I can tell.”
He didn’t say anything for a moment, just paused with his fingers on his laptop keyboard. He glanced up for a second and she caught a flash of something—maybe vulnerability, maybe irritation. His jaw clenched a few times before he mumbled a “thanks.” Then he was back to looking at his computer screen.
“It’s not your fault, you know.”
This time, he snapped the lid of his computer shut. Even though the noise wasn’t loud, something about the movement caused her to shrink back slightly in the cushions of the sofa. Maybe it was his quick reaction, the anger that caused him to snap it shut.
Something flickered in his eyes, and then he blinked and the anger was gone. It was as though it was washed right out of him. She let out a long sigh, only now realizing she’d been holding her breath. “Thank you, Haley. Listen, I’m not used to talking to people about…feelings.”
She smiled at him and her heart squeezed as he so obviously was trying to make her not feel like she was intruding. “It’s okay.”
She wanted to say more, but he was already standing. Her heart started beating faster and she felt the need to make him feel better, to say something that would comfort him. “Connor, you can’t blame yourself.”
He stopped, halfway across the room. He placed one large hand on the rustic fireplace mantle and ducked his head. “It is,” he said in a low voice. “What kind of father am I? Her mother could have drank herself through that pregnancy. I saw Julia and Lily constantly doing everything for their pregnancies, always talking about vitamins and food choices and exercises.” He paused, slamming his fist against the mantle. “What the hell can I say that Tess did? None of that, that’s for sure. Hell, she left that little girl in sub-zero temperatures on a damn doorstep, on the ground, like yesterday’s trash.”
His voice broke and she stood, ready to do something, but he turned his back on her and left the room. She wiped the tears that were falling down her face when he spoke. Oh, his guilt was going to eat him alive. He had shut her out, not that she was surprised.
She turned around and let her gaze take in the house. It didn’t look like a happy home. All her life, she’d dreamed of a happy home life. She imagined a home where she would immediately feel welcome, a home where her children would find refuge and security. She loved cooking and baking and imagined she would do all those things one day for her loved o
nes. She knew her mother would have done that for them if her life had been easier, but their mother had the essentials to be concerned with. Everything else was a luxury she couldn’t afford to give them. She could bet anything that Connor hadn’t had any of that, either. Maybe he needed her guidance. She was here in their lives for a reason.
Haley walked across the room to the almost-bare kitchen, running her hand along the clean granite counter. She had lived in luxury when she’d gotten married, but he had ripped her apart until she didn’t know who she was anymore. She blinked back tears as she thought of Connor, of her ex-husband. None of it was fair.
She took a deep breath. She was going to change this place. She was going to find a way to make this place a real home for Connor and Rosie. She was going to show him that he needed to concentrate on the now, and the future for Rosie. He was enough. And she, well, she was going to make this place a home for them. Rosie may not be hers, but she could give that sweet baby a little piece of her heart.
…
Haley pushed the shopping cart through the entrance of Target with Gwen. She was on a mission—she was going to make Connor’s house a home for him and Rosie. This morning he’d not spoken a word. His eyes had been bloodshot and even though she didn’t think he’d spent the night bawling his eyes out, he obviously hadn’t slept. He had barely said goodbye to Rosie. He’d stood over her bassinet for a moment, and the look that had passed over his face had made her want to cry. She was going to turn this around for them. She would start by making his home an inviting sanctuary.
“Does it feel weird to be shopping for Connor and Rosie as if you were an actual family?”
She glanced sharply at her sister-in-law who was trying unsuccessfully to hide her smile. “Very funny. We’re not a family. I’m his employee, and this adorable, super-cute little miss is my charge. I need to make it more of an inviting place. Less like a sterile guy pad.”
“This is all very Sound of Music of you,” Gwen said, stopping at the display of bright baby clothes.
“What does that even mean?” she asked, examining the adorable onesies Gwen was handing to her. She snatched the ones that said Daddy’s Girl and I Love Daddy. “Omigod, these are all adorable,” Haley said. These would pull at Connor’s heartstrings.
“Did he give you a budget?” Gwen asked as she guided them toward the little shoes and accessories.
“Uh, no. He doesn’t know that I’m planning on accessorizing his house.”
“Are you paying for this yourself?” she asked, holding up a pair of cute, fur-lined, pink baby boots.
Haley snatched them and tossed them in the cart. It was a losing battle. “No, he gave me his card.”
Gwen stopped. “Huh. He must trust you a lot.”
“Well, obviously I’m not going to rack up credit card bills and take off. He knows me, and he knows I wouldn’t do that. Though, considering we’ve only been here like five minutes and my cart is already a quarter full, we might have to slow things down.”
“Somehow I don’t think Connor is going to object to anything you do,” she said as they made their way to the housewares section. Haley glanced over at Rosie sleeping peacefully. She really was an agreeable baby—during the day. They were going to have to sort out nighttime sleep patterns this week.
“I think I might pay for the house stuff with cash,” she said. She couldn’t buy all this stuff and have him pay for it.
“Oh, I’m sure he won’t like that and then end up paying you back. Keep your receipts.”
“Thanks for the accounting tips,” she said, her eyes widening at all the possibilities she saw as they turned the corner.
“These are cute,” Gwen whispered, picking up some green, red, and white plaid pillows.
Haley eyed them. “These are nice. Masculine, but cozy and inviting.” She tossed four into the cart.
“Also twenty-five percent off,” Gwen said, pointing at the red sign.
“What do you think of those hunter green chenille throws?” she asked, pointing to the shelf housing an assortment of throws. “He has those two large dark leather couches, no pillows, no throws. They’re nice, just really cold.”
“Totally a necessity,” Gwen said, pulling two out.
“This was meant to be, then,” Haley said, getting excited now. “I think we need to find some candles. I saw some cute ones in the flyer this morning—they’re in Mason jars.” She stopped talking as Gwen clutched her arm and pointed to the display of candles. “I need those,” she said.
“I say the dark green,” Gwen said, holding one up.
“Agreed. I’m thinking three. One for the coffee table, one for the kitchen island, and one for the kitchen table.”
“Done,” Gwen said, placing three in the cart. “What next?”
“Place mats? Or a table runner?”
Gwen gave her a nod and led the way. Minutes later they had made their decision on some woven place mats. “What else?”
“Ugh. I think we need two lamps. Do you know he uses a bright overhead fixture? It’s like I’m in an interrogation room. So one lamp for the hall table, and one lamp for the side table in the family room area.”
They grabbed another shopping cart and made their lighting decision within minutes.
“Done. Next?” Gwen asked.
“Mugs. Dishware. He eats off paper plates and straight out of the pizza box.”
They burst out laughing. “It’s sad how such a hot man could live like that,” Gwen said, steering the cart toward the aisle with dishes.
“I know. Maybe a vase. I’ll pick up some fresh flowers on my way home.”
“I can’t wait to see how this looks,” Gwen said. “Let me know if you need help setting up.”
“I’ll be okay. Once we get home, I’ll feed and change Rosie, and then when she’s napping I’ll make coffee and get it done!”
“This is very domestic of you,” Gwen said, pausing in the dishes aisle.
Haley tried to make sure her smile didn’t dip. She was domestic. No one really knew that about her, except her ex, and he hadn’t appreciated it. He’d abused it. She’d had stacks of decorating magazines and cookbooks. Her wedding registry had been filled with gorgeous items. Everything she’d left behind in an instant. None of it mattered. “Speaking of domestic, I should get a muffin tin and a loaf pan. Crockpot, too, because I think with this crappy cold weather I’m going to make chili tonight. Oh, and coffee—he has awful taste in coffee. I need a French press and whole beans.”
Gwen burst out laughing. “Connor isn’t going to know what hit him when he gets home.”
They both laughed at that as they made their way through the store, adding things here and there. Her phone rang inside her purse and she pulled it out, her heart thumping as she saw David’s number on the display. Why was he calling her? She panicked and decided against answering it. She had nothing to say to him. Their divorce had been finalized. She owed him nothing.
“You going to get that?” Gwen asked when her phone kept ringing.
Haley ended the call and forced a smile on her face. “Nope.”
“Are you okay? You look like you’re overheating or something.”
Haley shook her head and refused to give his call any meaning. “It was David. I decided not to pick up.”
Gwen frowned. “Why’s he calling you? Do you two still speak?”
Haley started pushing the cart again, Gwen following. “No, we don’t, and I have no intention of starting. I’m going to pretend like it didn’t happen. Maybe he dialled by accident.”
Gwen was still frowning. “Be careful, Haley.”
Haley stared straight ahead, the fluorescent lights seeming to bore a hole through her sockets. This was her new life. She didn’t want her old life intruding. She never wanted to speak to him again. “I will. I’ll deal with it if he keeps calling. Right now, I want to pretend like it never happened.”
…
Connor came home, wiped. He was vaguely aware somethin
g was different as he hung up his coat on the rack that he didn’t remember buying and taking off his boots on a rug he didn’t remember buying either. He spotted Haley right away, in the kitchen. Haley always greeted him with a smile, but tonight there was nothing.
It was because he’d been an ass last night and this morning. It had bothered him all day. She volunteered to help him out with Rosie, not to be a punching bag for his emotional drama. He didn’t know what was happening to him. Three days ago he had no idea he had a kid, and now he felt the heavy weight of parenthood on his shoulders.
No, it wasn’t even that. It was that he’d already failed the one kid he had, and she was barely a month old. He’d failed her, maybe irreparably. He’d spent the entire night researching fetal alcohol syndrome and its symptoms. Then he’d stared at Rosie while she slept, looking for any of the visual cues, but not finding any. There were times he’d hated himself, but nothing had prepared him for the self-loathing he’d felt in Luke’s office yesterday. It would be a long time before that feeling dimmed.
He had never done things the right way, growing up. He hated the memories of his father, of being called trash, getting told he was worthless, stupid, before being locked in a closet or hit. But more of his memories were of him and his mother. He was always grateful to her for trying to do the best for him, even after his father left, even if she had no means of supporting them. They had spent time in a shelter, time living out of her car.
He should have done better than this. He should have taken the straight path, but he’d wavered. He hadn’t finished high school. Sure, he’d worked and been able to help and then support himself, but he hung out with a rough crowd for years. Then he worked construction and finally the job on the oil rig where he met Jack. It was good money, but brutally hard work that took everything from him physically. But he wasn’t father material. He wasn’t what this baby needed and he didn’t know how to be.
Haley opened the lid on some appliance he’d never seen before and stirred, the aroma of something sweet and spicy filling the air and reminding him he’d barely eaten today. No matter what, he didn’t want to make her feel bad. “Haley?”
Baby on the Bad Boy's Doorstep (Shadow Creek, Montana) Page 5
