“So instead of trying to find the right time you shut me out of his life?”
“What difference would it have made? You married the devil your mother hates me—” She exhaled shakily. “Do you really think I’d trust either of those women in a room with Miles unless I was there?”
“What about me?” I asked loudly. “You could have trusted me.”
“How?” she whispered. I swallowed the blow the word brought with it.
“We could have—” I breathed out, running a hand through my hair. “Jesus, Tessa.”
“I know it’s a lot to take in, but this is my son, and I need to do what’s best for him.”
“Meaning leaving me out of his life.”
“Meaning leaving anyone who isn’t good for him out of his life. It isn’t about you! It’s about people around you, like your wife, who posts pictures of herself on Instagram that clearly show lines of coke in the background. That isn’t the kind of environment I want my son around.”
My jaw clenched. “She is not my wife.”
“You said you’re in the process of getting a divorce, which means she still is.”
“She won’t be my wife much longer and you have known all along that it has been a marriage of convenience.”
“It doesn’t matter what it was or what it wasn’t. She lives with you. She shares a bed with you. A life with you. I don’t want her anywhere near my son.”
I didn’t bother to tell her that she was wrong, that we didn’t live together and hadn’t shared a bed for the majority of our marriage. “So, what am I supposed to do? Forget this conversation happened and move on?”
“Until the divorce is final, yes.”
“You can’t be serious.” I stared at her. Her expression was set and unwavering. She was being dead serious. “That can take months.”
She shrugged, looking away as if to say it wasn’t her problem. Beneath the sadness and self-loathing, rage finally simmered.
“I can file for custody,” I said. “He’s my son.”
“Is he?” Her eyes flared. “You’d have to prove that he is, which would mean convincing a court to grant you a paternity test. Is that what you want to do to your son?”
“If it’s what it takes.”
“What it takes for what, Rowan?” she raised her voice. “You’re on top of the world. You have it all. What could you possibly want from us?”
A family.
It was the first thought that came to mind. I wasn’t even sure what a family entailed, but I wanted one—a real one, and I wanted it with her. I couldn’t say that because it wasn’t the time and definitely not the place. Tessa was on the defense as it was.
“I want my son.”
Her bottom lip trembled. She bit it and glanced away. “I need time.”
“Time? You’ve had nothing but time. I have time to make up for.”
“I can’t just spring this on him.” Her bewildered gaze met mine. “You can’t just waltz up here and claim him as yours. Why do you think I didn’t show up at your doorstep?”
“Because the thought of seeing another woman holding his hand blinded you from reality.”
Her hand came up in a quick thunderous move I didn’t see coming until the sting of the slap made my face turn. I brought my hand up and glared at her, taking a deep breath to calm myself.
“Don’t you dare accuse me of being jealous. You don’t have a clue what I’ve been through and given up in order to keep Miles safe.”
“I saw you when you were pregnant. I saw Cody Maverick rubbing your stomach like Miles was his.” My throat closed again. My face stung beneath the palm of my hand, and I continued to glare at her. “Do you know how it feels to know that all of these men have been in my son’s life? All this time?”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, blinking away tears.
“Sorry?” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I hurt you when I sent you away. I hurt myself that day, too, trust me. But this, Tess?” I looked at her again. “This is the worst kind of pain I’ve ever felt.”
I closed my eyes again and focused on my breathing.
“I need to calm down and I can’t do that with you standing in front of me.” I needed to get away from her, from this street, from wandering eyes . . . and everything. I said as much and walked away.
Chapter Sixteen
Tessa
I didn’t go to work. I skipped the Monday meeting with Ryan Ford and stayed home, balled up in bed crying hysterically. Mom and Joan were gone for the day, so when my front door opened and Celia called out for me, I pulled the covers over my head and prayed she was just stealing kitchen supplies like she often did when she was too lazy to take a trip to the grocery store. My bedroom door squeaked.
“Tess?” she said. “Chloe’s here to bring you soup. Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?”
I feigned sleep. She wouldn’t know the difference. The sheets were pulled away, and I covered my face, but not quickly enough.
She gasped, lowering my hands. “What happened?”
I opened my eyes, saw the concern in her eyes, and started to cry again. “I really messed up. I think. I don’t know.”
“What? How? What happened?”
“R-R-Ro knows.”
“About Miles?” Her eyes widened. She glanced up again.
“What do you mean he knows about Miles? What does that mean?” Freddie’s voice boomed from the doorway. As if I could possibly hide from this, I squeezed my eyes closed and pulled myself into a tight ball.
“Rowan is Miles’s dad,” Celia answered when I didn’t.
“I thought you said she had a one-night stand with some guy.” He walked in, glaring at Celia and then pulled my arm away from my face. “What the fuck, Tessa?”
“Freddie, just—”
“Don’t just me, Celia. Move.”
“I’m just going to leave the soup on the counter,” Chloe called out.
“Thanks, Chlo,” I managed as I sat up and wiped my face. Freddie drew the blinds, letting the sun in. Out of all the days the sun decided to grace us with its presence, it had to pick today.
“Your face is swollen,” Celia said. “I’m going to get some ice packs.”
Freddie crossed his arms, looming over me. If he weren’t my protective older brother, I would’ve cowered. His dark hair was perfectly brushed back and his caramel eyes were more pronounced than usual in the sunlight. Or maybe it was because I was trying to keep my eyes on his and not his hardened jaw.
“He didn’t know,” I said meekly.
“I got that. Why didn’t you tell me, though? Why did you lie to me?” He stepped forward and sat beside me on the bed. “I’m your brother. How can you just not tell me?”
“I kept it from his father,” I said, my voice barely a whisper, hoping that would be enough to excuse me from not telling him.
“I’m your brother.” He exhaled and shook his head. “But while we’re at it, why didn’t you tell him?”
“It just—” Tears swam in my eyes again, the weight of the burden pushed against my throat. “It seems so stupid now.”
“It isn’t stupid,” Celia said, walking back into the room. She crouched beside the bed next to me and held my gaze as she brought an ice pack to my cheeks. “Miles is your priority. I’m tired of people judging women who genuinely don’t need men in their lives.”
“Don’t start,” Freddie warned.
“He wants to file for custody,” I interrupted. Her eyes widened. She pressed the pack a little harder.
“And as the only man in this room, I feel inclined to add that if I were Rowan, I’d be furious and file for joint custody too.”
“He doesn’t even know him.” My gaze flashed to Freddie’s and I let him see every bit of anger and ferocity inside me. “This hasn’t ever been about keeping Miles away from Rowan. It has always been about keeping Miles away from Camryn. I don’t trust her not to do something bad to him. I won’t risk my son and there is nothing you or anyone else cou
ld possibly say to get me to change my mind.”
Truthfully, if I took everyone else out of the equation, there was nothing I wanted more than for Rowan to be in Miles’s life. I thought about how bad his asthma got when he was sick and how he needed to be monitored for his nebulizer. Rowan would be such a responsible father if he ever came around to the idea of actually being a father. Maybe he was pissed off at me for keeping the secret but had no intention of doing anything about it. Who the hell knew? He did, that was who. I’d have to confront him about all of this, but not yet.
“I understand that,” Freddie said. “And I’m sure Ro would have, too, if you told him.”
“I tried.”
“Try again.” After a long, quiet moment, his soulful eyes searching mine, he said, “You loved him once. What happened?”
“Life happened,” Celia said, but my eyes stayed on my brother’s. It was a fair question and “life happened” wasn’t a fair answer. I owed him as much honesty as I could.
“He chose work and Camryn over me,” I said. “And between work and Miles and Sam’s health and everything else in between, I just . . .” I shrugged, trying to keep my throat from closing up.
Truth was, it felt like thirty years not four. And yet, I’d never stopped loving him. Not for a second. Freddie’s large hand came down on top of mine. Celia’s covered my other hand. I wondered if Rowan had called Sam for comfort and support or if he’d done his usual and handled this in private. I wondered if he would confide in Camryn. The thought didn’t bother me the way it normally would have, not when I had so much moral support from my brother and sister and I knew the way Rowan was. How long would it take him to digest these feelings?
“Do you think I should go to him and apologize, offer to let them get to know each other?”
“Give him time,” Freddie said. Celia nodded in agreement.
“Why don’t you go to the cottage for a few days and regroup?”
“I have huge projects right now,” I said, though the cottage sounded amazing.
“So, work from there.” Freddie shrugged. “Mom and Joan will be here, I’m here for the next few weeks. Celia will be here until her poetry book launches in a few months. We got Miles covered.”
“Disparity is an artist’s best friend,” Celia added. Freddie chuckled, nodding in agreement.
It sounded like a good plan. I mulled it over. I’d have to go into the office and sort things out before I did that, but I stood and called my grandmother, who sounded worried but didn’t ask any questions. She just told me to take the keys and go. That was what family did—offer things that would make your life easier without asking for anything in return. I thought about Miles and the way we all worked so hard to instill that in him. I didn’t want to think negative thoughts about letting Rowan into his life, but negative thoughts were all I could conjure. It was unfair, I knew this, but I couldn’t seem to turn it off.
Celia had insisted on coming with me to the office, claiming she would take the opportunity to visit her publishing house and sign some books and promo material while she was there. I think we both knew it was a lame excuse, but I didn’t argue with her.
“This is nice,” she said when we exited the elevator on my floor. She’d only seen pictures of my office, but I had yet to bring Miles or let anyone else come visit for that matter. Too many things were happening too fast in every aspect of my life. Groaning, I slowed down as I passed Ryan Ford’s office. Of course, today of all days, he was sitting behind his desk.
“I have to go in here,” I whispered to Celia.
She read the nameplate on the door, nodded, and said, “Got it. I’ll be in your office. It’s the one down the hall, right?”
“Right-hand corner.”
She gave me a thumbs-up and kept walking. I knocked on the door and waited for him to invite me in. When I heard his voice boom, I pushed the door open and peeked my head in. He looked up from his desk, looking every bit as gorgeous and composed as I’d expected him to look.
“You look like hell,” he said by way of greeting. I felt my brows rise.
“That is not something you’re supposed to say to someone you just met.” I stepped into his office and closed the door behind me. He stood, offering me his hand to shake. I gripped a little extra for good measure.
“Well, you do look like hell, and you missed our team meeting.” He sat, and I took the seat across from him. “What’s going on?”
“Something came up,” I said. “A major something, obviously.”
“Obviously.” He sounded bored. “Major enough to have you come in late, looking like hell, with a sidekick in tow.”
I glanced over my shoulder. The hall was empty, but duh, glass windows. He’d seen Celia. I faced him again. “That’s my sister, and yes, a sidekick was necessary.”
“So, you’re here to tell me you’re taking time off in the middle of the biggest projects we may ever work on.”
“Says the man who didn’t show up for the first week of work because he was on vacation.” I crossed my arms because I wasn’t about to take shit from him about time off. He leaned back in his seat, watching me closely. I wouldn’t wither, especially not after the day I’d had.
“How long will you be gone?”
“The rest of the week and I’ll be working from home.” I shot him a look as I said that last part. He seemed to be having a difficult time not smiling.
“These projects can’t pause,” he said.
“They won’t. I’m going to meet with my team right now and cover all the bases before I go.”
“Perfect,” he said. I stood. He followed suit, clearly trained in being a gentleman. He shook my hand again. “It was nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot of great things from Yamina and Rowan Hawthorne, so I’m looking forward to working with you.”
I blinked. “I’m surprised Rowan would have anything good to say about me at all.”
Ryan smiled like he knew a little too much for my comfort. “All good things.”
Somehow, I doubted that, but I managed to walk out of the office without asking. I passed Chloe in the hallway and told her to get the rest of the team for a quick meeting. When I walked into my office, Celia was sitting in my chair with her hands behind her head and her booted feet crossed on my desk.
“What are you doing?”
“This office is everything and I have always wanted to do this,” she said, lowering her feet and straightening in the chair. “It gives me Wolf of Wall Street vibes.”
I laughed. “I don’t want those vibes in here. We’re already stressed.”
“Who’s Ryan Ford?”
“The guy I was just talking to. He’s the acquisitions director and also Rowan’s friend.”
Her brows rose. “Interesting. Is he cute?”
“Very. He also looks like the kind of man who doesn’t look like he’d have a single tattoo and probably has a harem waiting at his beck and call. Basically, not your type.”
“Sounds like way too much trouble.” Her lips pursed. “Anyway, I’m on a dating website. I’ll find love one way or another.”
I shook my head as I set my messenger bag onto the small conference table and took my sketchbook out. “I don’t understand why anyone would work so hard to find love when love was the ultimate letdown.”
“You only say that because you’ve been in love with the same person your entire life.”
“And look at what it’s done for me.”
“Love gave you Miles.”
Her words gripped my chest. She was right. Miles was the most beautiful, incredible person in the universe.
The door opened and Chloe, Tommy, and Seth walked in, effectively ending my and Celia’s conversation. My sister finally got out of my chair, did a quick introduction, and gave me a kiss goodbye.
“I’ll pack your bag,” she said. “Freddie’s filling up the tank.”
I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight, fighting back a new wave of tears. You’d th
ink I would’ve run out of them, but they were still there. “Thank you.”
When she left, closing the door behind her, I watched her through the glass and waited until I was fully calm before facing my team and getting straight to work.
Chapter Seventeen
Rowan
I hadn’t seen my father in nearly a year, so I could only imagine how surprised he was when I showed up on his doorstep. If I had to guess, it would probably be about as shocked as I was to be standing there.
“Is everything okay?”
“No,” I said. “I’m here to tell you how not okay things are and why you’re the reason for it.”
His brows rose. “That may take a while. You want to come inside?”
I walked past him for two reasons: it was cold and I didn’t drive all the way out here just to leave. My eyes scanned everything as I followed him to the kitchen. He’d moved into this house with Mariah and the half-brother I had but hadn’t met. My brother had. Of course, he’d met him. He’d also forgiven my father for being an awful, no-good man and welcomed his new wife and son with open arms. Sam was a better man than I was and his cancer diagnosis had made him re-evaluate everything in his life. He’d said that to me once and while I understood it, I couldn’t imagine myself doing the same if I was in his position.
The kitchen was homey, with kitchen towels that said things like “Chop it like it’s hot” and “Don’t go bacon my heart.” Shit, my dad never would have allowed those in my mother’s kitchen. He sat on a stool. I stood. I wasn’t about to make myself comfortable.
Hell, I wanted him to be as uncomfortable as I felt, but that didn’t look as if it were going to happen.
“I just found out that I have a son,” I said, cutting through the bullshit. He leaned forward and rubbed his jaw. “And of all the emotions that are supposed to come with that knowledge, the one I keep going back to is uncertainty. My entire life I have told myself I wouldn’t become you and it took me this long to realize that maybe I already have. All I do is work and think about the company. I haven’t taken a vacation or a sick day in five years, and even though I was completely blindsided by the knowledge of a son, I haven’t once in the last twenty-four hours made an effort to go see him.”
My Way Back to You: New York Times Bestselling Author Page 9
