“Are you okay?”
He didn’t answer right away.
I propped up on my elbows. “Benton?”
“Hollis, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’ll never have to find out.”
“I hope not.”
This was the first time I ever heard real doubt in Benton’s voice. This week had been emotional and unsettling for both of us. Being Abigail today must have had a bigger impact on him than I realized. He was so close to jumping over the first major hurdle. Once he turned eighteen, he’d be able to take the first official steps toward his transition. And even though he’d sacrificed so much to get to this point, the consequences were scary.
MRS. DANIELS LEFT EARLY the next morning to get back for some church meeting. She didn’t even bother stopping by to say goodbye, which apparently was fine with Benton. My parents took me out to breakfast. We invited Abigail, but as expected, she didn’t want to go.
The rest of the weekend Benton and I spent moping around. He was hungover from his day of girly beauty. I was in a post-parental funk. Saying goodbye this weekend was harder than the first time they brought me up here. And now that they were gone, one hundred percent of my energies were devoted to missing Risher.
On Monday morning, I dragged myself to Algebra class. Usually I tried to avoid any eye contact with Risher. One, because it was unbearable to see the pain I’d caused. Two, because I was scared I’d see his decision. But I was jonesing and needed a hit. As I headed toward my seat, I passed Risher’s desk just to feel his closeness and get a whiff of his cologne.
#pathetic
His body shifted uncomfortably away and his gaze remained downcast. It felt like a huge tidal wave came crashing over me, forcing all of the energy from my body. I bumped into a desk as I stumbled down the aisle to my seat. He’d made his decision.
I slid into my seat, studied the pattern on the fake wood desk top, and tried to breathe. I thought back to when my skin was in the beginning stages of healing. My parents, Maggie, nurses, and doctors all spouted words of encouragement.
Things will get better with time.
You’re a strong person, Hollis.
It always looks darkest before the dawn.
Each statement true in and of itself, but total bullshit when you’re smack dab in the middle of the aftermath from your world falling apart.
Somehow, I made it until the end of class. I forced myself to go to my English and Biology since I had skipped them the other day. It was pointless. The only thing that occupied my mind for the rest of the day was Risher’s silence and avoidance.
That evening, Benton and I were sitting on our respective beds. He blankly stared at his laptop while I blankly stared at the open History book on my lap, both of us pretending to be deeply engrossed in our studies. But it was evident from the energy in the room that we were in desperate need of a pick-me-up.
I closed my book and tossed it to the side. “I need fresh air.”
“Where you wanna go?”
“I don’t know.” Grabbing my phone, I checked the time. “The student center closes in a half hour. Let’s walk over there and grab a coffee or a three-gallon double-chocolate-chip milkshake.”
“Still no word from Golden Boy?”
“No word, but message is pretty loud and clear.”
“Don’t give up on him. He’s a good guy, Hollis.”
“I know. I’m the one who screwed it up.”
“You just made a mistake. Unfortunately, part of the consequences are living on the other person’s schedule for forgiveness.”
Benton shut down his laptop and stood. Everything he said made perfect sense. I couldn’t push Risher to forgive me. But knowing all of this still didn’t lessen the pain.
Benton zipped up his hoodie and said, “Let’s go see if we can find a milkshake large enough for you to drown your sorrows in.”
We didn’t find a milkshake but we did snag the last two king-size Hershey bars from thestudent store before it closed. We took our time walking back to the dorm, enjoying how pretty the campus was at night. I loved this time of year, when the summer heat of the day melted into the cool fall night as the seasons were in the process of changing. We walked past the large lit-up fountain in front of Tillman Hall, the cornerstone of the campus. I stared up at the majestic old building. I must have passed by it a hundred times this semester. During the day it was beautiful, but at night, lit from the ground, it appeared ominous. A tap on the shoulder broke my trance.
“Come on. I want to show you something,” Benton said.
“Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.” He took off ahead of me.
I followed Benton to the back part of campus that was made up mostly of parking lots. We crossed over the sidewalk to an open field. At one end was a small platform made out of flagstone, colored in various earth tones. Surrounding it were rows of tiered seats formed into the ground made out of the same stone.
“How have I not seen this amphitheater before?” I said, as Benton led me down the steps.
“You’re not the most observant person in the world, Hollis. After all, you thought I was a girl.” He grinned.
We sat in the middle row, center, and stared up at the stars.
“When I was hiding all of this from you,” he waved his finger up and down his body, “I’d come out here every morning while it was still dark. I’d pick an area to concentrate on. Sometimes it was a star or the moon, but most of the time it was just a dark spot. Each time, when I didn’t think I could look at the darkness any longer, light would begin to seep slowly into the picture. Then, bam, in the blink of an eye the sun exploded and lit up everything.” He paused. “That’s what God is to me.”
I looked over at Benton. The moonlight reflected off his watery eyes. His face glowed with peace.
“Do you ever get angry at God for your life?
“I hurt and don’t understand at times. But I believe He made me this way for a reason. It feels too right being me for it to be a mistake.”
Wrapping my arms around him, I rested my head on Benton’s shoulder and squeezed. “He did a pretty awesome job on you.”
His cheek rested against my head. “He did pretty awesome on you too.”
We sat for a while longer staring at the sky until my eyelids started to droop.
“I must be coming down from my ginormous chocolate high,” I yawned.
“Yeah, it’s getting late.”
Benton stood and extended his hand, helping me up. I yawned again before placing my hand in his.
“Are you going to make it back to the dorm?” He teased.
“I hope so. I’m crashing pretty fast.”
“We can take the shortcut between the Tillman and Bancroft buildings.”
I hesitated for a moment. I’ve always been of the mindset, leave with who you came with and go back the way you came. But since Benton knew his way around this secluded section of campus and I trusted him, I decided to follow his lead. Besides, I was getting really logy. I needed to get to bed or Benton was going to be carrying me back to our dorm.
We were halfway down the dimly lit alley of the tall buildings, when two large figures appeared in front of us. The shorter guy had one hand wrapped around a bottle of beer poised at his mouth, while holding what remained of a six pack in the other hand. The other guy stood more in the shadow, a bottle dangling at the end of his fingers.
“Well, what do we have here?” A deep voice slurred.
The guy in the shadows took a step forward, landing him in the pool of light spilling from one of the windows above. My stomach bottomed out when I saw it was Shaffer. Benton and I stood stone still. I felt the presence of someone behind us. I had been so stunned to see Shaffer that I hadn’t noticed the other guy walk past us. I swallowed hard and tried to breathe. The stench of beer filled the air.
“Looks to be a couple of freaks.” Hot breath hit the back of my neck.
Benton grab
bed my hand and stepped to the side in an attempt to get around the mountain of muscle.
Shaffer countered the move. “Where are you off to in such a hurry, Freak?”
“Just trying to get to our weekly study group on time.” Benton cut his eyes toward me.
“Yeah, the group is waiting on us.” My sweaty hand squeezed Benton’s.
“Study group? Only nerds and freaks study this late.”
I drew in a shaky breath. “We’re pretty nerdy.”
“Not tonight. Y’all are gonna join our party. Right, Chris?” Shaffer tilted his head back and took a long swig of beer.
“The more the merrier.” Deep hot beer breath invaded my ear.
We were a couple of caged animals with walls of brick and muscle surrounding us and no way to escape.
“Look guys, I’ll stay, but let her go.” I jerked my head toward Benton.
Shaffer glared at me, grabbed my chin, and roughly shoved his thumb over it. His gaze shot to his friend and then back to me.
Leaning in, Shaffer asked, “What is this shit all over your face?”
“Makeup.”
“You look like a clown.” As he pulled away, he pushed on my chin, causing me to stumble back into Chris.
Benton gripped my hand tighter trying to hold me steady.
“Okay, Freak. Clowny can go.” Shaffer took another swig of beer.
Benton dropped my hand and ordered, “Go.”
Barely moving my lips, I whispered, “I’m not leaving you. Let’s start walking.”
“They’ll follow us.”
“I’ll go call campus police.”
Benton’s head whipped around and our eyes locked.
“No. Go and don’t stop until you’re back at the dorm. Please.”
My entire body quivered as I held down the sobs and bile that were forcing their way up my throat. Keeping Benton’s secret from the school and others was one thing, but leaving him alone with these two monsters was too much. I couldn’t do it.
As I stared into Benton’s blue eyes, the pleading intensified.
“Please.” He mouthed with trembling lips.
I hesitated, tears spilling over my cheeks, before I forced myself to do what my friend asked. My legs felt like they were walking through quicksand as I headed down the alley. The sound of footsteps crunching gravel and bottles shattering against concrete echoed behind me. Once at the end, I collapsed against the wall and tried to breathe.
“Since it don’t look like you can decide on being a boy or a girl, me and Chris are gonna help you decide,” Shaffer growled.
“I… I promise… I wo… n’t te… ell anyone. Just… let me go.” Benton could barely get the words out.
The sound of flesh hitting flesh shot through the dark.
“Shut the fuck up! You don’t talk now.” Shaffer snarled.
“Stop!” The word flew out of my mouth before I realized it.
“Hey, you wanna come watch?” Chris shouted.
“Go, Hollis!” Benton sobbed.
I heard another slap and a sharp intake of air.
“I’m gonna fuck the chick part of you while Chris here fucks the dude part of you. And when we’re all done, you gotta pick which one you’re gonna be. You can’t be both.”
“Please, don’t do this.” Benton gasped through sobs.
“I think you’re a girl ‘cause men don’t cry like little babies. Let’s check and see if I’m right.”
Zippers being yanked down and the ripping of material suffocated me. Deep guttural grunts followed by the sound of air being forced from lungs nailed me in place.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.” Benton sobbed.
Grunt.
“I will strengthen you and help you.” I whispered the verse simultaneously with Benton.
Grunt.
“I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
I heard one final animal grunt and loud breath before the muffled screams of Benton’s tore through the air and my heart.
“Stop!” I yelled.
“Chris, go get that bitch. She won’t shut up.” Shaffer ordered.
Footsteps pounded toward me.
Benton’s loud cry shocked me to attention. “Hollis, get the fuck out of here now!”
I spun around and ran as fast as I could in the direction of the dorm. With each slam of my foot against the ground, a piece of my heart shattered. Adrenaline pumped through my body, pushing all systems into overdrive. My lungs pumped to the point of exploding.
I didn’t remember running up the stairs, down the hall, or into my room. The only thing I was aware of was being alone. I frantically paced back and forth, my body shaking with each step.
Clutching my phone to my chest, I ran through a list of names to call. Each time I clicked on a number, I saw Benton’s terrified eyes.
“Please, be my friend.”
Collapsing onto my bed, I convulsed with sobs and prayed.
Dear God, I haven’t talked to you in a while, but need your help. I’m not asking for myself. I’m asking for my friend Benton. He saved my life tonight. He told me to run and not tell anyone. I want to be a good friend but I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do. Please, God, tell me what to do.
I drew in several deep breaths trying to rein in my emotions to the point where I could make sense before pulling my phone away from my chest. I knew I was taking a big risk and Benton would hate me, but I had no choice. Scrolling through the numbers, I was just about to press Call for the campus police, when the door opened and in shuffled a zombie-like version of Benton.
His face was drenched in tears and blood. His right cheek was already beginning to bruise and his bottom lip split open. I got up and closed the door. I led him over to his bed and helped him sit down.
“I have to get you to the ER.”
His head slowly shook as he looked up at me with begging eyes.
“Benton, you’re hurt.”
“I on… ly have a coup… ple of weeks until my birth… day,” he stammered.
I was astonished that he was still holding firm in protecting his secret. I’d never met anyone with such bravery and conviction. Realizing his mind was made up, I did the only thing I knew to do.
I looked deep into his eyes and said, “Let’s get you cleaned up, okay.”
“Thank you, Hollis,” he whispered.
I gently pulled the hoodie over his head and tossed it on the floor.
“Can you make it to the bathroom?”
“In a minute. Could you look in the top drawer of my dresser and get me the bottle of pills. It’s on the right side underneath some papers.”
I walked over to the dresser and found the bottle Benton was talking about and took it over to him. He popped one pill in his mouth, tilted his head back, and swallowed. Before placing the bottle on the nightstand, I read the label. It had Plan B One-Step printed across it.
The morning-after pill.
“Why do you have these?”
My stomach twisted and churned as the realization hit me. I already knew the answer. I tried hard to keep my emotions in check for Benton’s sake. He needed me to be strong and in control. A tremor ran through me.
“Tonight isn’t the first time this has happened, is it?”
“He promised he wouldn’t tell if I let him do…” Benton’s voice was weak.
I choked back a sob. “That day he followed you after class… was that the first time?”
Benton nodded. “I didn’t know he would get his friends in on it. Hollis, I’m so sorry… so, so sorry.”
Slumping over, Benton’s body surrendered to overwhelming sobs.
I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I didn’t want him to hurt you,” he cried into the crook of my neck.
I don’t know how long we sat there in each other’s arms, crying. There was nothing more to say at that moment. I was prepared
to stay in that position for as long a Benton needed me to. That night nothing else mattered except being the best friend I could possibly be to my hero.
SITTING IN MY car outside of Johnson Hall, I watched the crowd of students blanket the campus. Some frantic to get to class, others leisurely strolling with confidence, and those indifferent ones who were here just because it was an all-expense-paid delay into adulthood.
Usually, I was somewhere in the mix. Even though the Chambers campus was fairly large and spread out, I was lucky that most of my classes were in close proximity to my dorm. Parking was always such a hassle, I rarely used my car unless I was leaving campus. Walking was just quicker. But today I didn’t want quicker. Today I wanted the world to come to a grinding halt.
A week from today would be my eighteenth birthday. The hiding, sneaking around, lies, and guilt were coming to an end. Freedom was right around the corner. I could see it, taste it, and almost feel it. I’d given up so much in order to get to this point—my parents, my church family, my home, and in some instances my dignity. All to reach the magic number, so I could live as the person I was supposed to be.
I wanted what a lot of people want out of life. A family, friends, career, to fall in love, to be happy, and hopefully to make some type of impact for the better. And those things aren’t gender specific. I comprehend people not understanding. I still have moments in which I question why I was chosen to be this way. What I couldn’t wrap my head around was the deep-seated hate from people who didn’t even know me or from those who claimed to love me.
I picked up my phone and played the voicemail for the billionth time since I got it late yesterday.
Click.
Abigail, this is your father. I can’t tell you how hurt and disappointed your mother and I are in you.
I can’t tell you how hurt and disappointed I am in you either, Dad. You think you hide your disgust and contempt well, but it bleeds through. I’ve noticed the way you look at some of the other kids in the church. Wishing God had blessed you with them as your child, instead of me.
Shaffer walked into view, stalling at the bottom of the steps. A nameless redhead, stopped on the step above him, putting them eye-to-eye. Flipping her hair over her shoulder, she giggled at his flirty smirk. She looked down at his hand as he laced his thick fingers with her delicate ones. A big grin broke out across her face when he leaned in and whispered something in her ear. I wondered what her reaction would be if she knew what he’d whispered in my ear.
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